Which hurts less

[Faith]

...   Anger, frustration, fear/creating shame for others/hurting others/destroying everything for one selfish purpose/not
   passing after destroying everything in my life/soul crushing sadness/the need to receive acceptance and validation ...

So familiar    

[Emma1017]

Hey Kirsten.

    "Sounds like you run a journal to externalize the angst of being trans. I bet you find it helps a lot and prevents
    running back over the same old thoughts time and time again."

My externalization is you and everyone who tolerates my endless posts here.

Unfortunately I don't need a journal because I keep running over the same thoughts daily.  I just change the order.  

The good news is that I dropped my shame off the list months ago.  Thank you all for helping me with THAT.  I hope that the list continues to diminish and disappear.

Faith this all fits into your gender "field craft" strategy, burn out the infection and give the wound time to heal.  I am just trying to reduce the long term scarring

Hugs,

Emma

[Kirsteneklund7]

Hey Kirsten.

    "Sounds like you run a journal to externalize the angst of being trans. I bet you find it helps a lot and prevents
    running back over the same old thoughts time and time again."

My externalization is you and everyone who tolerates my endless posts here.

Unfortunately I don't need a journal because I keep running over the same thoughts daily.  I just change the order.  

The good news is that I dropped my shame off the list months ago.  Thank you all for helping me with THAT.  I hope that the list continues to diminish and disappear.

Faith this all fits into your gender "field craft" strategy, burn out the infection and give the wound time to heal.  I am just trying to reduce the long term scarring

Hugs,

Emma

I must admit I use Susans a  lot to externalise a lot.

My goal is to have the most half baked, drawn out, tortured transition ever.

I want to end up an undecided mess trapped in a womans body(Lol).

Kirsten x.

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

[Emma1017]

That means we will end up looking like twins ...  I can be the ugly older sister

[Kirsteneklund7]

That means we will end up looking like twins ...  I can be the ugly older sister

If we drink too much we can both be beautiful. Alcohol is the ultimate soft filter lense.

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

[Emma1017]

I made need to do tequila shots.........

[HappyMoni]

The good news is that I dropped my shame off the list months ago.  Thank you all for helping me with THAT.  I hope that the list continues to diminish and disappear.

Can I make a nomination for next off the list? "destroying everything for one selfish purpose"  First, you don't know that this will destroy everything. More to my thought is the 'selfish' part. This trans thing involves focusing on ourselves, true. I don't feel at all like my transition was selfish though. Look, I had four siblings. I was the only one saddled with this transgender thing. They all went about living their lives without ever dealing with this condition. Now, all I have done is fix what was wrong to the best of my ability. Was it selfish to want this crap lifted from me? No. Now, my partner and my kids didn't sign up for me being trans. I have treated them with as much respect as I can through the process. They might have been hurt, but it is pretty much up to them as to how they handle it. Their reaction is  on them. If I had another physiological condition like cancer, I wouldn't feel guilty for having it. Again, they control how they handle it. If one wants to say I should feel guilty for hiding it, then I say where was the social support and lack of condemnation when I was growing up. Hiding it was not for joy, it was for survival. If we need to transition and do so, it's not like we are escaping with a bag of someone else's gold. We gain peace and contentment. That's what we should feel guilt for? Respect others, do what we can to help them through it, but no one should make us out to be guilt worthy for dealing with this situation. I just read this to my partner and she whole heartedly agrees.
Moni

[Linde]

Hey Linde I agree with Kim.  That is a great new photo of you!!!

Thanks! And if you look very close, you might see something in the midsection of my torso that could become a waist one of these upcoming years!

[GinaG]

Can I make a nomination for next off the list? "destroying everything for one selfish purpose"  First, you don't know that this will destroy everything. More to my thought is the 'selfish' part. This trans thing involves focusing on ourselves, true. I don't feel at all like my transition was selfish though. Look, I had four siblings. I was the only one saddled with this transgender thing. They all went about living their lives without ever dealing with this condition. Now, all I have done is fix what was wrong to the best of my ability. Was it selfish to want this crap lifted from me? No. Now, my partner and my kids didn't sign up for me being trans. I have treated them with as much respect as I can through the process. They might have been hurt, but it is pretty much up to them as to how they handle it. Their reaction is  on them. If I had another physiological condition like cancer, I wouldn't feel guilty for having it. Again, they control how they handle it. If one wants to say I should feel guilty for hiding it, then I say where was the social support and lack of condemnation when I was growing up. Hiding it was not for joy, it was for survival. If we need to transition and do so, it's not like we are escaping with a bag of someone else's gold. We gain peace and contentment. That's what we should feel guilt for? Respect others, do what we can to help them through it, but no one should make us out to be guilt worthy for dealing with this situation. I just read this to my partner and she whole heartedly agrees.
Moni

I second the nonmination.  I just got home from a session with my therapist and wife.   I talked about exatly these things.  It was survival.  I too did my best to cope.  I feel no guilt about this.  I deserve to be the real me.  There is real joy in that.

We all deserve that.  I know others will react some negatively.  Many will not be negative. Those who care will try and understand. So far everyone I talk too does that.

Still,  tequila shots are tempting....  Emma We do do more than tolerate your posts.  Your courage and honesty shines through. 

Hugs.  Gina

[Emma1017]

Wow, OK really wow!  Thank you all for the nice things said.  It really means a lot.

Moni and Gina you are both absolutely right.  I just need to get my heart, soul and head to understand and at some point move forward together.   The joy of being me will eventually win over the anger, selfish concerns and the fear of inflicting pain on others.  Kim is right on point, I am coming to the crossroads.

I know that at some point I will be Emma full time.  Honestly that is all that I want.


Massive hugs to you all,

Emma

[KimOct]

So for a change I won't be a smart ass regarding Moni.   

What she said is exactly right.

Being selfish is not caring about how what you do affects others.  You obviously do.  However as Moni said only they can decide how they choose to deal with it.

You are who you are.  Example. Let's say I want to be you Emma.  I really want to be you as a person.  Can I be?
Of course not, that is ridiculous.  I am me and you are you.

Same thing holds true in relation to yourself.  You are the person that you  are.  There are two choices. 
1.  Hide who you are and deny it.
2.  Live openly as the person you are.

You can do either.  It is your choice. 

What you do owe your loved ones is - truth.  And helping them to the extent you can with how the process will take place. 

Someone pointed out to me how stressful it is for those that are on the brink of transition.  Also a former mentor used to say that she always feels bad for the 'new girls'.

Transitioning sucks.  But then it is eventually over.

One thing I guarantee is that this is not going to be as earth shattering, apocalyptic and the end of everything as you think it will be.

I am going to post a picture of a magnet that is on my fridge that I got from a transwoman friend of mine.

[KimOct]

Magnet on the left courtesy of our very own Ashley - thanks sis.

Magnet on the right is the one I want to feature for this discussion.  Courtesy of a different Ashley.  ( available online )

Quote about 'new girls' - "Bad >-bleeped-<"

I don't come up with any of this stuff I just steal it.   

[Emma1017]

Kim thank you again helping me clear my thoughts.  It always means a lot!

The magnets are great!

Thanks and hugs,

Emma

[Emma1017]

OK yesterday was a cool, crazy day.  In the photos I posted of me earlier (page 16 if anyone cares) I had a professional do the makeup.  All of my attempts were furtive (I am still stealth to my wife about dressing) and futile.  I looked like a drunken drag queen who had hiccups putting on her make up....yikes!

I went to Donna out of desperation last year to really help me decide whether I was a transvestite or transgender.  This was after my analyst helped me figure out I wasn't a fetishist.  Wow what a long year....

We became professional friends.  She and my therapist are my best non-web based supporters.  Donna has been pushing me to have more courage and confidence in who I am.  So yesterday, she finally convinced me to go with her to a private wig salon.  I was presenting as male.  Everyone ignored my gender presentation, called me "Emma" and treated me like a normal person.  I stopped turning red and started to have fun....and I bought a wig, the same one in the last two photos.

Donna is more annoying than Emma.  She is taking me shopping next week.  She hates everything I buy (what's wrong with EBay?).  She says I am not buying the right clothes for my body.  I guess she is tired of my "gorilla in a tutu" look.

On another day she wants to scheduled a makeover in her shop (with the new outfit) and take a subway ride to a hair stylist who will style the hair to my face. 

She feels that I need to spend more time out as Emma before I make any irreversible transgender decisions.  I have surrendered to her guidance because she is right.  It's "put up or shut up" time.  If I truly need to transition I better take a huge step with the baby steps...whoa!!!!

Scary like when the roller coaster reaches the top of the peak before the drop...I guess I'll keep my hands up for the ride down and scream a lot

Hugs,

Emma

[HappyMoni]

Two things! First, I loved the last few posts here Gina, Kim and Emma! I'm ready to start collecting wood for the bonfire to throw in the 'selfish' thingy.

Two, Emma, when I first saw your avatar before knowing who you are, I thought she looks like she is 'every day,' maybe post transition, and very attractive. I don't like to comment on people's looks, but I will honestly say that that was my impression. (Oh, it wasn't your make up, it was an overall impression.) I need to learn make up too.

Whoops, I lied ... number three. If you get the chance, watch the show Impractical Jokers. You could maybe Youtube it if you don't. It's about four friends who have a show about embarrassing each other. Besides being really funny, there is a lesson. They go into a social situation and the other guys dictate what they must do and say. They do these things even though they are embarrassing because they don't want to lose and face the punishment, more embarrassing stuff. The point is, when they do these things, their world doesn't end. They face their inhibitions and they have a great time. I'm sure it is freeing to them to not be so inhibited. Emma, you got great advice, get out there. Face those fears like you did with the wig place. You will be freed. Moni

[Emma1017]

Awww Moni thanks.  Hugs, Emma

[KimOct]

The saying goes...' I hate to say I told you so."  Screw that.  We all love to say I told you so. 

What I am referring to is over the months when you felt you had conquered the shame I kept saying, 'not yet'.

How the shame manifests itself is the fear we have when living openly.

When you start going out in public you are going to be scared $#!+ less.  How do I know?  Because I was.

We wouldn't be scared if we didn't think that there was a reason to be embarrassed.  That is how the shame manifests itself.  You can conquer it. 

Courage is not the lack of fear.  It is doing something despite the fear.

Donna is good for you.  Follow her advice.  And you look gorgeous in the pics.

The nerves in the wig salon were a precursor of what is to come.  We all dealt with it and came out the other side. You will too.  It just takes time, practice and determination.  On the other side you will find Emma.   

[Emma1017]

Fortunately I have gone out walking with Donna to and from my analyst twice through mid-town Manhattan.  She even made me take the elevator on my own while she waited outside.  Sure I was freaked out but I also recognized that it got easier.

Moni I am not worried about embarrassing myself in public, God knows I have done that more than enough times as a man through the years.  Kim, I don't think it is even shame either.  I really believe that it is the constant reminder that I don't know what I am doing.  I don't know how to be a woman?

How should I walk?  How do I move my arms as I walk? What is my posture?  What about my voice?  How do I answer someone?  Are my arms too hairy?  How do I keep the hair from sticking to my lipstick?

It's not shame, it is inexperience.  Everything is new and artificial feeling.  I sense that it all feels unnatural.   I am learning new mechanics.  I know I still have both training wheels on the bike and I will for a while but I have committed to "practice, practice, practice".  There is a long way to go.

Even personal fear is not an issue.  It has never prevented me from achieving my goals.  My only significant fear is hurting and losing my wife.  That's the one I can't control but the one that you Kim correctly point is totally my wife's choice to make.

Actually the times I feel the most joy is when I am with Donna in my proper gender.  You all have pointed that out to me by noticing the deep natural smile I share with the camera.  A picture is worth a thousand words.

...and Kim thank you for the nice compliment

Hugs,

Emma

[Emma1017]

As I ponder being diagnosed as transgender I am at a loss at how to explain this to others but I am working on it.  Many of thoughts shared here have given me a great start.

When I come out I have confidence that when challenged I can respond that, first, it is not a choice and two, why would anyone choose to be transgender?

My life wasn't perfect but it worked.  I had a wife, career, home, children, friends, family, etc., then I hit 60 years old.  I am not quite sure what the actual trigger or triggers were but suddenly my female sense exploded into my conscious reality.  To simplify, this explosion set into motion the most profound, painful and soul-wrenching dissection of who I am.  I am suddenly challenging my entire life, who I am and what I need to do to ease the pain.

This pain is indescribable to anyone who has never experienced it.  I have had many women chide me when I even tried to empathize with their pregnancy and birth pains.  My pain had no chance of empathy.  Who could I tell this terrible secret to?

I started with a therapist.  Over the last 15 months I have added:

   - This thread where I have been painfully bearing my soul to complete strangers (now my friends)
   - An endocrinologist with whom I started HRT which is changing my body and making it weaker
   -A stylist that will eventually have me throw out all of my clothes and make me spend hundreds of dollars for the
     rest of my life on clothes and makeup and I still won't feel pretty enough. 
   -A laser technician who is using a painful laser on my face and body to remove unwanted hair
   -An electrolysis professional who is following up the laser with an electric needle that must zap every hair left over.
   -A voice coach who is making me change a lifetime habit of speaking 
   -A facial surgeon who wants to mash up and rebuild my existing, totally functioning face
   -A bottom surgeon who wants to permanently make me sit down on a toilet and shove devices in a hole he will
     create in my body for the rest of my life. 

In addition, I have jeopardized my life-long relationship with my wife and I will, with great probability, destroy many life-long relationships.  I will be joining one of the most unloved, most misunderstood group of people in the world.

So my answer to the challenging question "Why would anyone choose to be transgender and go through all this?"

Me 
 

[HappyMoni]

Hey Emma, I just read your last post. I am kind of new to your thread, but I hope I am included in the 'friends' designation. It tears me up to see you struggle.  Kirsten and Gina also. I read your last post and it made me think of my explanation to my coworkers when I came out. If you are interested, I will post it here. It's kind of a snapshot of someone else who was where you find yourself now. If you don't want it, it won't hurt my feelings. I too wrestled with how to tell the world about this crazy thing in my life.
Sincerely,
Moni