Which hurts less

[Emma1017]

Every day I try to find the words to express what I feel and what I have been through.  You are right Kim, it is a cathartic experience.  I wrote this earlier for me.  Its' not fully thought out but I thought I would share it anyway:

  How does a five-year child explain to his parents that he feels like some one else? 

  Where does he get the words necessary to express complex feelings that even adults
  don't understand?

  What hope does he have telling them that he dreams every night that he would
  magically turned into a girl?

  How can he express his sadness when they "correct" him and change the girl toys he is
  playing with to boy toys?

  Where is the adult understanding when he starts having feelings of guilt and shame
  when they catch him playing with make up or his mom's or sister's clothes?

  Do they understand the deep sadness he holds inside as he hides the secret dream of
  becoming a girl every day of his life?

  Do they even see the wall being built brick by brick, day by day to hide the "secret"?

  It's hidden well because she needs to survive...

Wow I need to stop...I hope that I am not depressing anyone.  I guess I am just desperate for empathy and this is the only place I will find it.

[Jessica_Rose]

First, thanks for the compliments Kim and Emma!

Emma, you are not much older than I am. Then, as now, children must rely on the knowledge, understanding, and sensitivities of the adults around them for help. When we were growing up the information adults would have needed to understand and recognize what our world was like simply wasn't there. Sure, worldwide a few people were beginning to understand, but the dissemination and acceptance of that information was barely in its infancy. Although still not widely accepted, today the number of people who can recognize and help those who are transgender is vastly greater than it was in the 1960's and 70's. At least we have survived our darkness long enough to live at a time when understanding and acceptance are becoming more common. We can't relive our past. We can't fix our past. We can live our future as the person we should have been. There are times when I mourn my past, I wonder who I could have been or what I could have done, but in reality none of that matters. All that matters is who we are, and what we can do in our future. Living for so long alone in darkness is one of the greatest tests a soul could ever face, but we survived. Our souls can finally see the sunrise, and they can rejoice at the start of a new journey.

[GinaG]

So many of those questions are part of my story too. A confused sense of difference of wanting it.
I remember the shame of beng caught in a dress.  I hid it so long.

I feel a lot of empathy.  I spent last year looking back fighting regrets.  Trying to find hope.  I got a a lot of hope here.  Thanks to you,  and everyone who comments.  You aren't depressing me at least.  I too need to vent sometimes.  I am lucky in my wife. She is being so supportive. I can talk to her.  I am like you eager to get there.  It still seems a long journey.  But hormones already have calmed me.  I have a quiet hope now. 

I wih I could hug the little child yours and mine.  It was a different time. I knew nothing of this.
None of us beyond 60 could have found any support.  It is so different here now. This site is saving lives.   Mine was is in angry, depressed, fearful place a year ago.  You aren't alone in coming from a darker place.  Facing our fears, frustrations....it's a daily challenge. 

Love and Hugs like always

Gina

[GinaG]

Jessica,

Love the dress too! 

I agree so much. All we have is a future in the light.  I started HRT a week ago.  No regrets. The past is beyond reach.  One day at a time.

Gina

[KimOct]

  Do they even see the wall being built brick by brick, day by day to hide the "secret"?

  It's hidden well because she needs to survive...

Wow I need to stop...I hope that I am not depressing anyone.  I guess I am just desperate for empathy and this is the only place I will find it.

Emma, This thread is your place.  Do not worry about depressing anyone.  Moni and I and others like to goof around from time to time because even in dark times some levity is healthy.  But this thread is not a place primarily for entertainment (some comic relief occasionally ) rather it is the sharing of your story.

Those of us further down the road want to help you and others by adding our insight based on experience but you and others in similar places on this journey are the reason for this place of discussion, support, advice and friendship.

In short, speak how you are feeling.  That is the entire point.
Love to and from everyone.

[KimOct]

We can't relive our past. We can't fix our past. We can live our future as the person we should have been. There are times when I mourn my past, I wonder who I could have been or what I could have done, but in reality none of that matters. All that matters is who we are, and what we can do in our future. Living for so long alone in darkness is one of the greatest tests a soul could ever face, but we survived. Our souls can finally see the sunrise, and they can rejoice at the start of a new journey.

This is something everyone should take to heart and keep at the forefront of their minds.  Do we wish we could re-live the past?  Sure but that has to be let go because it is not going to happen.  And the upside of that past is that we learned.  I have evolved so much as a person since beginning my transition.  I thought I was an empathetic person.
Now I have learned how much I still have to learn.

Thank you Jessica for some very insightful thoughts.

[HappyMoni]

Every day I try to find the words to express what I feel and what I have been through.  You are right Kim, it is a cathartic experience.  I wrote this earlier for me.  Its' not fully thought out but I thought I would share it anyway:

  How does a five-year child explain to his parents that he feels like some one else? 

  Where does he get the words necessary to express complex feelings that even adults
  don't understand?

  What hope does he have telling them that he dreams every night that he would
  magically turned into a girl?

  How can he express his sadness when they "correct" him and change the girl toys he is
  playing with to boy toys?

  Where is the adult understanding when he starts having feelings of guilt and shame
  when they catch him playing with make up or his mom's or sister's clothes?

  Do they understand the deep sadness he holds inside as he hides the secret dream of
  becoming a girl every day of his life?

  Do they even see the wall being built brick by brick, day by day to hide the "secret"?

  It's hidden well because she needs to survive...

Wow I need to stop...I hope that I am not depressing anyone.  I guess I am just desperate for empathy and this is the only place I will find it.

This really describes it well, Emma. It was my life as well.

[Emma1017]

Jessica, Kim, Moni, Gina and all:

I wrote this as away to explain to a stranger the questions "Why am I coming out now?  Why did I wait so long?"

I absolutely agree that there is no point dwelling on the past.  It's over and we survived.  I'd rather hope and shape my future!

We are fortunate that at least in our lifetime there is the language to understand our circumstances that didn't exist when we were children and an opportunity to correct our gender alignment.

I spoke to the GCS surgeon's office today and they said the earliest date on the schedule is October, 2020 but that people cancel all the time.  Now I just have to face reality and pull the trigger....


Hugs,

Emma

[Jessica_Rose]

Emma, now I understand the scenario behind the list of questions. They are spot on. We learned to hide at an early age, or suffer the consequences. Eventually we become experts at hiding our secret and it became second nature, we never consider doing anything differently because we have been conditioned all of our lives that what we need is simply against the rules. I bet we all sleep on mattresses that still have the little 'do not remove' tag!

My GCS was originally scheduled for 5 April, and I hoped for a cancellation. I got all of my paperwork in on 28 Jan. On 29 Jan they called due to a cancellation. My new date was 21 Jan! Having six weeks cut off my wait put me in panic mode. I didn't have time to think about the surgery, I had too many personal things to take care of. Maybe that was for the best... no time to worry.

[KimOct]

Hi Emma,  I thought deeply about sending this in a PM but as I always say this is both about YOU and others.  So I am going to say it here.  I love that you are getting motivated and are excited to move forward.  That is FANTASTIC.  Here comes the but....

As they told you there are always cancellations.  There is a reason for that.  People move too quickly and then get cold feet.  Obviously there are other reasons too.  Sound like I am contradicting myself saying 'slow down'?  Allow me to explain.

Scheduling something is fine if you are possibly willing to lose any deposit but much more importantly I think you are putting the cart before the horse.

You have not had 'the talk' with your wife.  Additionally IMHO ( and I really mean that - it's just my opinion )  but in addition to your wife you still have work to do ... again... IMHO.

You have had a couple early outings with Donna which is a great start but there is so much to do yet in both experiences and in coming to terms with who you are.  Even going shopping by yourself is a big deal and that is actually an early step.

Getting your name changed, your ID such as your drivers license, showing up to dentist appointments as Emma, on and on and on.  In short living your life as a transgender woman.

I am thrilled with your eagerness but I feel like I would be doing you a disservice as a friend and adviser if I didn't say this stuff.

Keep the enthusiasm !!!  Focus on more immediate short term goals.

I hope this note was received with the love that it was sent.   

[Emma1017]

Hi Jessica: 

I know that in the months and days before the surgery I will panic, worry and deal with tremendous personal fears, all with good reason.  This comes with so many challenges as you know.

I know that I will approach this slowly for many reasons but I don't have decades left to hide, nor do I want to.  We deserve to being who we are, finally.

Hugs,

Emma

[Emma1017]

Kim I am glad that you didn't PM me because you are right, this thread is about sharing.

It is rare Kim that I disagree with you (this is actually the first time ).   In general you are right but I believe that my specific circumstances are different. 

    -I am 63 years old and timing is critical.  I have been told that many surgeons who perform GCS, won't after a certain age. 

    -The surgeon I have selected is now scheduling for October, 2020.  I posted here earlier that I was hoping March, 2020 so I actually have to wait 8 months.

    -My goal was to do the GCS first because I can still be stealth for my job for my son to take over my practice, the surgery is more difficult with a longer recovery time and I can work from home.

    -My plan was to have FFS later, after I came out.

    -Assuming that I choose October, 2020:  I will have had THE conversation with my wife well before then; I will have 16 months to work with Donna, the voice coach, the electrologist, the therapist, and give HRT additional time to affect my body; and all that time to re-evaluate my decision.

    -Be confident that I am not "leaping" to do all this.  I still don't/do want to.  I absolutely understand the impact this will have on me and those I love, as you know from my endless thread (thank you again for being there for most of it).   I won't grab any cancellations to jump ahead unless I am 100% (OK maybe 98%) certain (OK maybe it's really like 94.97543%).

    -At 63 I have no idea how much time I have left and I don't intend to dwell on it but I would like to have some time as a woman before I age too significantly (yes that is me being very vain).

    -I am confident that once I commit, whatever I don't know post-surgery will be joyously learned afterwards when I finally get to be me.  I am not shy and I won't worry about the fools.  I will be self-conscious like any teenaged girl buying make up and applying it for the first time, buying wrong clothes and walking in alien shoes for extended periods of time.  The difference is my voice will be deeper, I am taller and larger, and if physically attacked I can kick their butt .

Thank you for your concerns and thoughtfulness as always.

Hugs,

Emma

[LizK]

Hi Emma

You seem to have moved forward in the short time I have been absent. I take it from your reply above that you have scheduled GCS. I also read somewhere on this thread I think it was Jessica Rose talking about "making the decision is the hardest part". I agree...and once the decision is made then I guess there is nothing but to do but keep moving forward. Post surgery is a huge learning curve and I can attest to that from my own experience. I wish you all the joy of it..

Liz

[Linde]

    -At 63 I have no idea how much time I have left and I don't intend to dwell on it but I would like to have some time as a woman before I age too significantly (yes that is me being very vain).

Hugs,

Emma

I back your pardon young lady, but at 63 you have almost another half of your life in front of you!  I am way older than you (13 years to spell it out), and I have no plans to kick the bucket in the foreseeable future!
I am still having a ball living my life as a woman the way I want to, and I still hope that I find a surgeon who will do SRS for me who is covered by my health insurance!
I would be pretty weary about a surgeon who is afraid to do a relatively none important surgery on a person because of a certain age, as long as the vitals of this person are good!  Such a surgeon seems to be not very confident in his or her abilities!
We do lots of way more involved surgeries on older patients all the time, and just some reformatting of skin is not such a big deal (surgery wise)!

[Emma1017]

Liz:  I haven't scheduled the GCS yet.  I wanted to get a sense of the surgeons calendar.  I won't schedule the surgery until I have made the absolute personal commitment to my self and then shared it with my wife. 

I would love to know what was toughest in your opinion on the learning curve post-op experience.

Linde:  Love the fighting spirit.  I don't expect to have any push back because of my age from the surgeon, it is just a consideration.  I totally agree that I have a lot of life yet!  I just want to have the most I can as the woman I am.

[GinaG]

Kim I am glad that you didn't PM me because you are right, this thread is about sharing.

It is rare Kim that I disagree with you (this is actually the first time ).   In general you are right but I believe that my specific circumstances are different. 

    -I am 63 years old and timing is critical.  I have been told that many surgeons who perform GCS, won't after a certain age. 

    -The surgeon I have selected is now scheduling for October, 2020.  I posted here earlier that I was hoping March, 2020 so I actually have to wait 8 months.

    -My goal was to do the GCS first because I can still be stealth for my job for my son to take over my practice, the surgery is more difficult with a longer recovery time and I can work from home.

    -My plan was to have FFS later, after I came out.

    -Assuming that I choose October, 2020:  I will have had THE conversation with my wife well before then; I will have 16 months to work with Donna, the voice coach, the electrologist, the therapist, and give HRT additional time to affect my body; and all that time to re-evaluate my decision.

    -Be confident that I am not "leaping" to do all this.  I still don't/do want to.  I absolutely understand the impact this will have on me and those I love, as you know from my endless thread (thank you again for being there for most of it).   I won't grab any cancellations to jump ahead unless I am 100% (OK maybe 98%) certain (OK maybe it's really like 94.97543%).

    -At 63 I have no idea how much time I have left and I don't intend to dwell on it but I would like to have some time as a woman before I age too significantly (yes that is me being very vain).

    -I am confident that once I commit, whatever I don't know post-surgery will be joyously learned afterwards when I finally get to be me.  I am not shy and I won't worry about the fools.  I will be self-conscious like any teenaged girl buying make up and applying it for the first time, buying wrong clothes and walking in alien shoes for extended periods of time.  The difference is my voice will be deeper, I am taller and larger, and if physically attacked I can kick their butt .

Thank you for your concerns and thoughtfulness as always.

Hugs,

Emma




Emma.  I can see you have thought deeply. And are looking to the future.   I think that is important.  I am three years older.  I too have been planning for surgery.. Probably around that time.  I am retired.  Makes it easier.   Idid have the talk with my wife. I was scared. She has been great. We go to therapy together,  I am hopeful we will be together.  I hope your wife is similar.

I know your situation is different. Only you can decide when and how to take each step,   Each of us has to figure this out our own way.  If I learned anything from this site it is that we each have our unique experiences and. Situations.   Lots of common thoughts and very good advice as welll. 

A year and a half is what I'm looking at too.....I on't rush this, just live this journey.

Hugs,

Gina

[HappyMoni]

Hi all,

   I have nothing to say about whether or not someone chooses GCS. It is a very personal decision. I do understand, being 61 myself that there gets to be a certain urgency to get it done to enjoy it after. I hope I am not the voice of doom or discourage your enthusiasm in any way, but unless things have changed since I had it, you do need two letters to get the surgery. As far as I know, the letters are based on having a minimum of 1 year RLE living in the preferred gender. I don't know if any surgeon will do the surgery without a letter saying you have fulfilled that requirement. It  is a pain, but it is in place to prevent someone from getting into something that they are not mentally prepared for.
   It is wise to schedule way ahead because of the wait times, but be aware of the WPATH requirements. I haven't heard of an age restriction on surgery, but most are strict about body mass index, BMI. They want that in a certain range for healing. They also don't look kindly on smoking if that is an issue.
   Emma, if you have any questions about post op, the experiences can vary greatly, but I can participate if you have questions. My experience was pretty wonderful. I really look back at that time as one of the best of my life. I actually had a rather lengthy thread here on Susan's about it all.
   Hope I didn't bring anyone down.
Moni

[KimOct]

Kim I am glad that you didn't PM me because you are right, this thread is about sharing.

It is rare Kim that I disagree with you (this is actually the first time ).   In general you are right but I believe that my specific circumstances are different. 

    -I am 63 years old and timing is critical.  I have been told that many surgeons who perform GCS, won't after a certain age. 

    -The surgeon I have selected is now scheduling for October, 2020.  I posted here earlier that I was hoping March, 2020 so I actually have to wait 8 months.

    -My goal was to do the GCS first because I can still be stealth for my job for my son to take over my practice, the surgery is more difficult with a longer recovery time and I can work from home.

    -My plan was to have FFS later, after I came out.

    -Assuming that I choose October, 2020:  I will have had THE conversation with my wife well before then; I will have 16 months to work with Donna, the voice coach, the electrologist, the therapist, and give HRT additional time to affect my body; and all that time to re-evaluate my decision.

    -Be confident that I am not "leaping" to do all this.  I still don't/do want to.  I absolutely understand the impact this will have on me and those I love, as you know from my endless thread (thank you again for being there for most of it).   I won't grab any cancellations to jump ahead unless I am 100% (OK maybe 98%) certain (OK maybe it's really like 94.97543%).

    -At 63 I have no idea how much time I have left and I don't intend to dwell on it but I would like to have some time as a woman before I age too significantly (yes that is me being very vain).

    -I am confident that once I commit, whatever I don't know post-surgery will be joyously learned afterwards when I finally get to be me.  I am not shy and I won't worry about the fools.  I will be self-conscious like any teenaged girl buying make up and applying it for the first time, buying wrong clothes and walking in alien shoes for extended periods of time.  The difference is my voice will be deeper, I am taller and larger, and if physically attacked I can kick their butt .

Thank you for your concerns and thoughtfulness as always.

Hugs,

Emma

Hi Emma, I am so glad that you know that my comments came from a place of caring.  I really like the thought you put behind it and I also think it is great you have a solid plan for concrete reasons.  That is how I got started too.

Two suggestions I would like to throw in based on where your thoughts and goals are right now.  And once again I will mention for those new and occassional readers that I have had an orchie not vaginoplasty.  So the space between my legs is different but the life decisions are the same.  My testicles are gone (thankfully) and I am legally a woman, my birth certificate, drivers license, social security on and on.

I am transitioned.  And there is zero chance I am going to undo all that stuff.  So my penis doesn't really have any bearing on this.

Anyway back to my two suggestions.
1.  Get going sooner than later on living this life.  Not just here with those of us that love and support you but out in the world.  That is where the rubber hits the road on this deal.  I think Donna should push you even more but she probably can sense your limits.  If you want to hit that October 2020 date then it's time to get into high gear.  You aren't going to walk in and say 'hey I stopped by for a vagina" 

2.  What Moni said is absolutely right about WPATH guidelines. Because my orchiectomy was elective and not for medical reasons it was considered GCS.  I had to meet the same guidelines as if it were vaginoplasty.  I needed two letters and a year of RLE experience.  This was at a major center at the Univ of Minnesota.  So Moni is dead right.

Your reasons are sound in my opinion but remember when I told you the 'showdown' was coming.  Well it's here.
Love and Hugs.
Your friend

[Linde]

2.  What Moni said is absolutely right about WPATH guidelines. Because my orchiectomy was elective and not for medical reasons it was considered GCS.  I had to meet the same guidelines as if it were vaginoplasty.  I needed two letters and a year of RLE experience.  This was at a major center at the Univ of Minnesota.  So Moni is dead right.

Your reasons are sound in my opinion but remember when I told you the 'showdown' was coming.  Well it's here.
Love and Hugs.
Your friend

Yes, once the balls are gone, you legally had a sexual reassignment surgery.
What i always wonder, how do they measure that year of RLE?  All this can be manipulated, if one knows and understands the system.  WPATH of course are recommendations only, and nobody is forced to adhere to them.

With a little luck, Emma could sneak i for SRS way earlier. (like I did with my orchi).

[LizK]

Liz:  I haven't scheduled the GCS yet.  I wanted to get a sense of the surgeons calendar.  I won't schedule the surgery until I have made the absolute personal commitment to my self and then shared it with my wife. 

I would love to know what was toughest in your opinion on the learning curve post-op experience.

Linde:  Love the fighting spirit.  I don't expect to have any push back because of my age from the surgeon, it is just a consideration.  I totally agree that I have a lot of life yet!  I just want to have the most I can as the woman I am.

Hi Emma

The learning curve started as soon as I had my sutures removed and started dilation. Once I was able to use the bathroom I had to learn how to pee again as the signals were different and I actually am able to hold it much longer than I could or maybe I get warning signals earlier I don't actually know but essentially it was learning about your own body. Then along come the return of sensation and learning about my new equipment and how it reacted. Learning to be patient with myself as the recovery has been slower and longer that I wanted but its one of those things you don't get a choice in. Even the way in which you experience your sexual response, something I am still learning about...all new and fun to explore.

I am so glad that I had the surgery and for me it has alleviated 90% of all my Dysphoria enabling me to look positively at the future and not spend my whole day just trying to deal with my Dysphoria triggering genitalia. I do remember @Monica  talking about the "what next" part of GCS/transition and  that is where I am at the moment and maybe that last 10% will fade in time.

Liz