Which hurts less

[Emma1017]

Dear All:

Thank you for your thoughts and concerns.  They mean a lot!

A friend PM'd me and I responded:

     "It's funny but I actually don't feel like I am rushing to surgery.  I am making a decision I have been waiting for my
     entire life but never had any hope or expectation that I could accomplish.  Waiting for 63 years is really not rushing
     into anything.

     I am more concerned about social acceptance.  That seems to be shrinking worldwide or maybe we are just more
     visible.

     I had a sign made up years ago for my office "Carpe Diem...You're dead a long time." to get me motivated every
     day.

     There is something fundamentally right about my decision so my fears are all the peripherals and the fear, of
     course, of hurting my wife.       

     At 63 I am done having kids so my genitalia is absolutely not important...but I will miss peeing standing up and not waiting in line to use the bathroom."

I am not concerned about the WPATH guidelines.  I have seen enough professionals to document my clear and convincing intent.  I am waiting a bit before I pull the trigger.  I need a little more time with my thoughts and then sharing my decision with my wife. 

Hugs,

Emma

[KimOct]

     I am more concerned about social acceptance.  That seems to be shrinking worldwide or maybe we are just more
     visible.

   I need a little more time with my thoughts and then sharing my decision with my wife. 

Hugs,

Emma

Emma These two points from your quote above are essentially what my concerns boil down to.  Per usual I have been wordy explaining my thoughts but to be more concise....

I am not concerned for you that you are rushing into surgery.  My thoughts are more centered on my concern if you have prepared yourself for living in the world as transgender and of course regarding facing the situation with your wife.

My thoughts were not are you 'ready' for GCS rather that the two issues have not been resolved.

I do believe you know GCS is right for you.  You are an intelligent adult and will do as you see fit.  I only make suggestions based on my opinion of what will ultimately lead to you finding peace. 

Living out in the world as a transgender woman and addressing your future with your wife are essential before moving forward.

As always, wishing you happiness.

[Emma1017]

Kim we are in agreement.  I understand that you are being cautionary and I appreciate it.

As you have said, I am getting closer to that moment of decision.  I know that it's a one way path after surgery that is why I know in the many months ahead before the surgery I will continue to challenge 24/7 my ability commit.  I am absolutely testing that resolve in every way that I can. 

It is a brutally emotional acid bath.

I am confident that when I make my choice it will be absolute because I am trying every way possible to not transition.  If I can find a lifetime of peace and some happiness not transitioning I will choose that.  But as I say that, I am finding it harder and harder to believe that not transitioning will be my solution, yet I continue the fight and my internal struggle.

Hugs,

Emma

[HappyMoni]

I am not concerned about the WPATH guidelines.  I have seen enough professionals to document my clear and convincing intent.  I am waiting a bit before I pull the trigger.  I need a little more time with my thoughts and then sharing my decision with my wife. 

Hugs,

Emma

Hi Emma, when it comes to my transitioning progress, I made sure all the 'i's were dotted and the 't's crossed. When I had my mind and heart set on something, it terrified me that something would stop it from happening. I started my GCS thread talking about a lab result that made me think my surgery might be canceled. You say you aren't worried about WPATH, but doctors do care. If you have a doctor in mind, you might want to address it directly and not assume. It is true that the writers of the letters could possibly fudge the timing a bit, but they are not only looking at your intent, but also at your success in living as your true gender. Some folks complain about gate keeping. I'll be honest that first period of time during that year, it was awkward at times. I didn't pass very well or make great clothes choices, my mannerisms, the voice, and I thought the world was staring at me, and it was kind of rough at times. It was my basic training though. All the theory and desires we have in our little heads mean little until we have experiences. I had tremendous doubts that I was 'trans enough' (sorry stupid term that accurately describes my feelings). Each time I went out in the world as Monica was more affirming than any therapist session or fantasy of what it might be like. In my opinion, RLE is quite valuable. I'm not saying this is you or anyone else reading this, but people can and do lie to themselves. They talk themselves into things with theory. RLE is the antidote to this.
   I'm chiming in here and I hope I am not causing stress as in overwhelming you. I do have a question about your partner. I want to be respectful and make sure it's okay to ask about her. I know you spoke earlier about her having a lot of losses in her life. My question relates to that.
Warmly,
Moni

[Kirsteneklund7]

Hi Emma,
                  This is such a valuable discussion right now, I am listening and learning.
The real world experience of living as a woman.
For me it is the real test and the nitty-gritty of transition. I want to start experiencing it, including awkwardness, mistakes and embarressment & all.
You have been out in public before, I need to get started on that!
I like the idea of being able to live as a woman but go back to the refuge of a man.
         Amazing times Emma !

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[HappyMoni]

Hi Emma,
                  This is such a valuable discussion right now, I am listening and learning.
The real world experience of living as a woman.
For me it is the real test and the nitty-gritty of transition. I want to start experiencing it, including awkwardness, mistakes and embarressment & all.
You have been out in public before, I need to get started on that!
I like the idea of being able to live as a woman but go back to the refuge of a man.
         Amazing times Emma !

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Hi Kirsten,
   Do you have someone to help you do that? It would really tell you a lot. Of course, you have to account for your nerves the first few times.
Moni

[Kirsteneklund7]

Hi Kirsten,
   Do you have someone to help you do that? It would really tell you a lot. Of course, you have to account for your nerves the first few times.
Moni

I dont really Moni.  I dont have a helper. I feel I can pull of a walk at the beach in female appearance with cover-up dress or a midi dress. If I speak it will undo me.
My voice is very male.

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[Emma1017]

Moni the problem with writing answers is that it can slow down understanding. 

I am not assuming anything about this process.  I am getting absolute answers to every question I have and narrowing down the multiple options I have so I can make an informed decision.  I am not dismissing the WPATH guidelines, I am waiting to meet the surgeons to understand exactly what they require.  Once I have that information I can adjust my plans accordingly.

I am not discounting the absolute necessity of RLE (real life experience as a woman).  Kim, you and Donna have made an absolutely convincing argument about the necessity of that step far in advance of any surgery.  Everything I have set in motion can be stopped by me at any time.  Only surgery and publicly coming out are irreversible and I am taking my time with both.

Moni thank you for your warm sensitivity regarding my wife.   If I feel your question inappropriate I will let you know.  I feel an obligation, to anyone who has read even a portion of this extremely long 50 page thread, to be absolutely honest and straight forward.

[Emma1017]

Kirsten:

When I go out, I am going out with the help of the make up artist, Donna that I have hired.  Your make up artist can be your public support person as well. 

Even if your voice is male don't assume everyone is listening.  I am practicing singing to stretch my vocal range up.  I down loaded a piano keyboard on my phone and practice "do re me fa sol la si do" with each key of the piano, pushing up a little higher as I feel the strength of the note.  There are also many voice apps too.

Remember Marlene Dietrich sounded sexy and I am sure her voice was deeper than yours and mine.

Hugs,

Emma

And yes Kirsten, amazing times.  I never saw this coming two years ago...

[Kirsteneklund7]

Kirsten:

When I go out, I am going out with the help of the make up artist, Donna that I have hired.  Your make up artist can be your public support person as well. 

Even if your voice is male don't assume everyone is listening.  I am practicing singing to stretch my vocal range up.  I down loaded a piano keyboard on my phone and practice "do re me fa sol la si do" with each key of the piano, pushing up a little higher as I feel the strength of the note.  There are also many voice apps too.

Remember Marlene Dietrich sounded sexy and I am sure her voice was deeper than yours and mine.

Hugs,

Emma

And yes Kirsten, amazing times.  I never saw this coming two years ago...

I think you are right Emma , I need to find a going out friend
Also I have practiced voice with the Kathe Perez app.
Reading to my sons gets my voice training going as well.
My prescribing doctor has put me onto a Skype voice instructor as well.
Electrolysis gobbles funds right now.

Also I might just go for a public walk regardless, .... and damn the consequence !



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[Emma1017]

After all of this deep and intense gender dialogue, I got up and went to the Men's Room in my office.  As I stood at the urinal I started to laugh at the craziness of all of this.  Thankfully there was no one in the bathroom at the time...

[Emma1017]

That's excellent Kirsten.  Having someone help you break the social ice will definitely help.  It feels like a long, long way to step out confidently on our own.  Kim and Moni are right.

[HappyMoni]

After all of this deep and intense gender dialogue, I got up and went to the Men's Room in my office.  As I stood at the urinal I started to laugh at the craziness of all of this.  Thankfully there was no one in the bathroom at the time...

They say the first thing to go is your urinal composure! Watch out! lol

[Emma1017]

ooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh nooooooooooooooo Moni.  Really???

I will miss the urinals especially the old ones that go to the floor and you can rest your elbows....

[Linde]

. In my opinion, RLE is quite valuable. I'm not saying this is you or anyone else reading this, but people can and do lie to themselves. They talk themselves into things with theory. RLE is the antidote to this.

Moni

See, it should be handled flexible!  Some people need to be tested out not to make the wrong decision.

Others, like I for example, gave up their path of return be turning the balls back in to the system to be used for ho knows what?  What good will a REL bring for me?  Nothing just unnecessary red tape and waiting time.  And who and how is this REL measured?  It sure looks like a pretty mean version of gate keeping to me.
Same as my endo who uses the power of his pen to keep me off of progesteron, and some use the pen to keep people away from surgery!

[HappyMoni]

ooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh nooooooooooooooo Moni.  Really???

I will miss the urinals especially the old ones that go to the floor and you can rest your elbows....

See Linde, the gatekeeping works. There is no way Emma is trans. She said she would miss urinals. Definite red flag. Wow, I think we dodged a bullet here!

[Emma1017]

ah Moni I never pegged you as a sexist.....If you watched the opening scene of the FULL MONTY, one of the cis ladies peed in a urinal standing up.  You just need a big target.

[HappyMoni]

Okay, you convinced me and, by the way, you can leave your hat on. 

[KimOct]

Whats this thing you call a ... urinal?   

I haven't seen one in 3 years I forget how does that work again?

Actually I still stand up at home.  Absolutely NEVER in public.  Women would be freaking out.

OK the serious post is next.

[KimOct]

It is true that the writers of the letters could possibly fudge the timing a bit, but they are not only looking at your intent, but also at your success in living as your true gender. Some folks complain about gate keeping. I'll be honest that first period of time during that year, it was awkward at times. I didn't pass very well or make great clothes choices, my mannerisms, the voice, and I thought the world was staring at me, and it was kind of rough at times. It was my basic training though. All the theory and desires we have in our little heads mean little until we have experiences. I had tremendous doubts that I was 'trans enough' (sorry stupid term that accurately describes my feelings). Each time I went out in the world as Monica was more affirming than any therapist session or fantasy of what it might be like. In my opinion, RLE is quite valuable. I'm not saying this is you or anyone else reading this, but people can and do lie to themselves. They talk themselves into things with theory. RLE is the antidote to this.

Warmly,
Moni

Moni per usual is right on the mark.  Emma, Kirsten, Gina and others.  We are not saying you are delusional or naive or even stupid.  You just have not lived it yet.  I remember not so long ago when I was planning my transition. I had this plan and that plan.  I envisioned how I would look and how I would pull off this life changing event.

Then reality hit me in the face.  There were the terrifying trips to Target ( a multi purpose store for those outside the US )  walking into a doctor's office presenting as female.  Filling my car with gas wondering if people were staring at me.  The interactions with cashiers calling me sir.  The trips through the fast food drive through being told - pull up to the next window SIR.

On and on and on.  It scared the $#!+ out of me.  It was so hard.  And then it gets tolerable.  And then it gets easier.
And then you start to think about things and realize it doesn't matter what people think.  You are living as you.

It took me about 2 years for the fear to disappear.  But it was gradual.  Now I realize that some people staring are impressed with my courage.  Others find me attractive. And others disapprove.  It doesn't matter.

And you know what?  Most people don't even pay attention they are absorbed with their own lives.

It takes time and practice to get here.  It is not because you lack courage.  It is because you lack experience.

That is what I am beating the drum about.  If you want experience pull up your big girl panties and DO IT.

I am only being a hard ass because I want you to live this.  When you get to the other side it is great !!