Which hurts less

[Emma1017]

I have never known such lonely crying...I should stop taking the hormones.  What are these emotions helping?

[Emma1017]

I'm done posting.  really sorry this got out of hand.

[KimOct]

If you are wearing skirts, riding women's bikes with long hair flowing...Maybe your not surfing the big waves with the bad-asses Kim & Moni but Kirsten you are definitely in the water. 

I am still trying to find a bathing suit....

You know what is hurting the most right now?  I work in mid-town Manhattan and I am surrounded by well-dress women of all kinds and I keep hitting myself with the jealousy/sadness stick every day.  I love the flow of their dresses, the style of their shoes and the casual femininity as they pass.  I wish I had hair to flick off my neck.  It causes my greatest sighs.

I keep saying "some day..."

now where's that bathing suit?

still catching up - but yeah I used to work in Midtown also.  Some very well dressed women there.  I felt the same way.  I also worked in downtown Chicago for years - not quite as fashionable as NYC but there was plenty to be jealous about too.  OK more to read.

[KimOct]

1st lesson learned.... don't post until you are fully caught up.

That said...  Emma, Kirsten, Stephee and all.   This process is supposed to bring peace not misery.  Myself and Moni but me in particular are not trying to shove you off the cliff.  If any of my suggestions and opinions have felt that way I am sorry.  I only want to help people conquer fear and pose questions to think about.

Emma you do not need to apologize for your generosity of spirit of sharing this journey.  As I said in my topic there is a lot to consider when transitioning.  In your case your huge concerns for your wife are genuine.  Given the painful past it is even a larger concern.

My advice is to be open with her.  It doesn't need to be an ultimatum, it can be an ongoing discussion that is not settled in one sitting.  My opinion is that there should be no secrets.  I think she should know exactly what you are doing and how you feel.  Additionally what you want, for you and she in turn can tell you her thoughts for you and herself.  COMMUNICATE !!!!!!!!

It is not necessary to go into this by dropping an atomic bomb.  Discuss it as a couple.  The pros and cons. 

I am pushing you to do two things.  Talk openly with your wife as you do here.  Find your path to happiness whatever that is.  And for those two things I will be a hard -ass. 
Love and Hugs to you Emma

[KimOct]

While you to & fro over transition keep up the HRT and express your feminine self organically as you see fit.

Yesterday I rode a womans bicycle from the airport where I work to home in the suburbs 7 miles away. Womans top with obvious breasts and a long flowing skirt and shoulder length blind hair. I got double takes from traffic & fellow cyclists.

  I still dont know if Im really trans.

While I was riding I was thinking is this really happening ?

While I agonise over transition I think I will take estrogen and present as a woman anyway !

Yours truly, Kirsten.
Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

YAY !!!!!!

Kirsten early in my journey I thought there was a right way to do this.  Full blown, all the way, go large or go home blah blah blah.

I have evolved.  There is a huge gender spectrum. Be who you are. Do what makes you happy.

The one thing I will continue to kick butt about is do not let fear stop you from doing and being what makes you happy.  It is clear from what you said above you have beat the fear.  Liberating isn't it?

[KimOct]

Great way to put it, Im on that trail, I'm taking the steps, going to happen, harder to hide the changes. It's going to happen. Need to lose weight, almost afraid and excited at the same time that the changes I can now hide (being a little over weight, wearing a Male Spanx Top)Will start to be seen by the whole world. I'm already at the point I wear the spanx top and a T-shirt at a public pool. My wife knows what it looks like and accepts it as hormonal issues(low T)Not sure she is on board with my dressing or make up. But I keep doing this in a forward motion. Feels like Im going to be wading further and further in the water, until Splash. Wow, tears me up to write this.

Stephee This doesn't happen overnight.  My transition from my first therapist visit to full time was a year.  And I was part time so to speak for 6 months.  It is the worst time in my opinion but there are different reasons to do it gradually, family, job, slowly conquering the fear and others.  Just keep moving forward

And stop worrying about your looks so much.  Easy to say huh?  Nope.  It was really hard for me. 

I feel like I am promoting a book or something    but I keep asking people to read my 'The Joys of Not Passing" topic.  I think everyone that is early in this journey should read it.   
If I humbly say so myself    Quiet Moni 

[Linde]

Gina thank you.  I really don't know why I wrote all that.  It's not the way I am.  The only thing I can figure is that I really trust everyone here and I haven't trusted anyone like that before.

Maybe I am just abusing the anonymity this site provides. 

You all have your own pain.  Gina you said it yourself.  What is wrong with me?  I have never been this emotionally selfish in my life.  This damn process...what have I become?  Why am I this raw and exposed in public?  This is not me but I can't seem to shut up....

WTF!

I feel deeply for you Emma, and there is nothing I can say or do, to make the pain go away!

Remember, estrogen allows us to show our emotions, and it is good for the soul to let those emotions out.  Not to long ago I cried an entire day, and I am a pretty tough broad!
Sharing these emotions, no matter if fear or joy, with others, makes one feel better! 
I just hope for you that you will find a way to be able to fully come out to your wife, and not make her hurt very much.

I kind of know how hard it must be for you not being able to live the life Emma deserves to live, and keep her always in the background.
We started HRT at about the same time (I lived full time already when I started), and I can see how much more I have been feminized during this time, and I bet you can feel it, too.  I just hope for you that you can be out fully in the very near future!

Good luck and lots of hugs!
Linde

[Stepheewt]

Wow, you definitely hit a nerve, I'm with rolling tears....must be that E, Emma just take it slowly at your pace. Things will come when they do. Family is important and so is your well being. When your so emotional it's the worst time to make any decision. Just stay with what your doing now. Gather yourself up. And revisit stuff again  in a week or so. Might let you see more clearly. Hang in there, your are a beautiful person inside and out.

Hugs

[Stepheewt]

Stephee This doesn't happen overnight.  My transition from my first therapist visit to full time was a year.  And I was part time so to speak for 6 months.  It is the worst time in my opinion but there are different reasons to do it gradually, family, job, slowly conquering the fear and others.  Just keep moving forward

And stop worrying about your looks so much.  Easy to say huh?  Nope.  It was really hard for me. 

Thank you for the advice and kind words. It is very hard caught between 2 worlds. I know I can still hide the changes for now. But longer hair tied back will only go so far. (Soon it's like "hey get a haircut") The E does change a lot, some things sneak up on you. Coming out of the shower I can see it. In daily clothes not really. Some might see my Moobs slightly. But that's it. Overweight guy, no big deal right. Where I watch myself is in a tank top or tighter T-shirt. Very obvious there.
So I usually hide it. Either way it's happening and it will become reality at some point. Part time is still where I am. But I do enjoy pictures I take as My true self. Getting better at make up.

[Kirsteneklund7]

YAY !!!!!!

Kirsten early in my journey I thought there was a right way to do this.  Full blown, all the way, go large or go home blah blah blah.

I have evolved.  There is a huge gender spectrum. Be who you are. Do what makes you happy.

The one thing I will continue to kick butt about is do not let fear stop you from doing and being what makes you happy.  It is clear from what you said above you have beat the fear.  Liberating isn't it?

In a nutshell Kim, ... liberating! I crashed and burned in 2016. Transition mk 2 is much better 2nd time round in 2019.

The thing is my dysphoria is not bad on HRT and expressing my female self.

Without HRT and expression dysphoria gets quite bad.

I might make a fool of myself one of these days but I will be a happy fool.

Kirsten xx.

[Emma1017]

I'm really sorry about last night.  I was trying to convey the pain I am most fearful of. I didn't mean to dump that bad. 

I am still an emotional amateur.  It just got away from me. 

I am very afraid to see that kind of pain again and know that I am the cause.  That is my only hesitation at this point in pushing "the" conversation with my wife.  I am hoping that the conversation will evolve over time just like I know I am evolving myself.

Thank you all for your support!


Massive hugs,

Emma

[KathyLauren]

Gina thank you.  I really don't know why I wrote all that.  It's not the way I am.  The only thing I can figure is that I really trust everyone here and I haven't trusted anyone like that before.

Maybe I am just abusing the anonymity this site provides. 

Emma, you are not abusing the site or its members.  This is exactly what we are here for.  This is how peer support works!

Thank you for sharing your pain with us.  It must have been unbearable to break the news to your son, and I totally understand your fear of breaking your wife's heart, too.  It is by opening up that understanding is reached.

Yet, all you can do is go forward.  Lean on us when you need to.

[Emma1017]

Kathy thank you so much for what you said. 

It goes against my nature to burden others but I have never, ever been so personally tormented, so relentlessly for so long.

To have you and everyone here so willing to give me a shoulder, a hug and the emotional support that I have needed means everything.

I only shared my heartbreak and fear of another heartbreak here because I knew you all would be there for me and understand.

Thank you,

Emma

[Stepheewt]

I'm really sorry about last night.  I was trying to convey the pain I am most fearful of. I didn't mean to dump that bad. 

I am still an emotional amateur.  It just got away from me. 

I am very afraid to see that kind of pain again and know that I am the cause.  That is my only hesitation at this point in pushing "the" conversation with my wife.  I am hoping that the conversation will evolve over time just like I know I am evolving myself.

Thank you all for your support!


Massive hugs,

Emma

Emma just glad your Ok, very day we get up is a new one with a new set of rules so to speak I know everyone felt your pain and just wanted to support you. It's all part of the crazy that is. That's why I come here, support, like minded people, expletive who understand what that emotion is all about. Makes me smile to see you post.

[KimOct]

We are here for you Emma and for each other, Kirsten, Gina, Stephee and all.  Interesting that crying is part of the discussion right now.  I cried at work today.  Not blubbering, snot running out my nose sobbing.  But consistent tears coming out of my eyes rolling down my cheeks.

When I got downsized from Hertz I took it like a 'man'.  My VP that had to do it looked worse than I did.  I took pity on him and told him it wasn't his fault.  I walked out with my head held high.  Inside I was crushed, I loved my job, I loved the company I loved the money and the car  .  But I took it and didn't flinch.

Today at work I cried in front of two people I report to.  I am doing a job far beneath my experience, education and former pay grade.  Nothing wrong with it.  Plenty of people do this type of office work their whole lives.  What made me cry is that I am struggling with it.  I just can't get with the program regarding following guidelines.  I am trying so hard and feel stupid.  A friend told me lately that Fortune 500  companies don't let stupid people manage $50 million worth of business.   But now at a much lesser job I feel like an idiot.  And talking about it made me cry.

The estrogen stuff really does affect your emotions.  We said we are women right?  Well we got what we wished for.
There are ups and downs to everything including this journey.  I felt some embarrassment from the tears flowing but at least I was real.  My bosses were very supportive ( thank God they are women )

Just wanted to share..... you are not alone in crying.  Fun being girls huh?   

[Emma1017]

I am humbled by the love and support you all continue to show.  Thank you.

Let me purge my final fear. 

The divorce rate in America is 40-50%.  The divorce rate for couples who lose a child to leukemia is 70%.

The divorce rate for a couple where one comes out as transgender is _____%?

Pretty crumby statistics and so that is my last fear...

But I hope and believe that we are not like most couples! Together we have shown how tough we are and how much we love each other.

A friend PM'd a supporting note last night and shared the following from her relationship with her spouse:

    "It's you and me together Honey, and this thing is facing us, let's deal with it together."

That is my hope and my ultimate belief.  I plan to sit down with her and share who I am, what I need to be me and why I need her to be a part of my life in the next few weeks. 

That's ironclad.

Out of respect for her she needs to know and then decide what she needs to do.  I will support her no matter what she chooses.

Separately, I feel an obligation to you all to share a happy moment after the endless misery I have shared here.

Yesterday I met with my analyst.  She is just great.  I have trusted her and opened up to her from day one.  She sees right through me.  She has this knowing smile when I am trying to BS my way around something.  She never let's me get away with ducking or hiding.

We were talking about the times I have fully presented as Emma.  She note yesterday when I was describing a dress I bought for my next outing that she saw the "Emma" smile.

I asked her what she meant (I was actually blushing....I never do that!).  She said she can always tell the differences in my smiles and knows exactly every time I am Emma.

That has made me super happy!

I wanted to share that here.


Hugs,

Emma

[GinaG]

I am humbled by the love and support you all continue to show.  Thank you.

Let me purge my final fear. 

The divorce rate in America is 40-50%.  The divorce rate for couples who lose a child to leukemia is 70%.

The divorce rate for a couple where one comes out as transgender is _____%?

Pretty crumby statistics and so that is my last fear...

But I hope and believe that we are not like most couples! Together we have shown how tough we are and how much we love each other.

A friend PM'd a supporting note last night and shared the following from her relationship with her spouse:

    "It's you and me together Honey, and this thing is facing us, let's deal with it together."

That is my hope and my ultimate belief.  I plan to sit down with her and share who I am, what I need to be me and why I need her to be a part of my life in the next few weeks. 

That's ironclad.

Out of respect for her she needs to know and then decide what she needs to do.  I will support her no matter what she chooses.

Separately, I feel an obligation to you all to share a happy moment after the endless misery I have shared here.

Yesterday I met with my analyst.  She is just great.  I have trusted her and opened up to her from day one.  She sees right through me.  She has this knowing smile when I am trying to BS my way around something.  She never let's me get away with ducking or hiding.

We were talking about the times I have fully presented as Emma.  She note yesterday when I was describing a dress I bought for my next outing that she saw the "Emma" smile.

I asked her what she meant (I was actually blushing....I never do that!).  She said she can always tell the differences in my smiles and knows exactly every time I am Emma.

That has made me super happy!

I wanted to share that here.


Hugs,

Emma


Hi.   I want to share what has happened with my wife.   Much as you decribe your plan to talk,   I started by telling her I was trans,  my fears and hopes.  I acknowledged that she might want her own path, but. Emphaized my love and concern for her feelings.

She was stunned.  It took a few weeks to accept that it was real.  We talked daily,she asked questions shared her fears, but soon saw my happier,  nicer.. We go to therapy. It just brought us close together.  Our love is deeper.   She hasread and educated herself on it,  We are staying together.  My transition is made so much easier.

It can have a happy ending.  I know it is scary, but I have to believe you have a good chance for a similar journey together.  God bless you both.  Good luck.

Hugs,

Gina

[Emma1017]

Thank you Gina.  I really believe so too!

[KathyLauren]

The divorce rate in America is 40-50%.  The divorce rate for couples who lose a child to leukemia is 70%.

The divorce rate for a couple where one comes out as transgender is _____%?

I don't know if there are any reliable statistics.  But my therapist told me that she had heard that the divorce rate for couples where one transitions is 50%.  Then, to put it in perspective, she reminded me that the divorce rate for *all* couples is about 50%.  In other words, transition may be a trigger for divorce, but it doesn't significantly alter the odds.

It does seem, from reading posts here, that the figure is indeed close to 50%.  I hope you are able to beat the odds.

I love the story about your smile.

My story about coming out to my wife is that, within a minute of my "dropping the bomb", she said, "Whatever you decide to do, I will support you!"  Wow, talk about a load off my mind!  She has been true to her word, and we are staying together.

Keep talking.

[GinaG]

I would agree that it seems about 50%.  For those of us staying it also seems to bring a new cliseness.  I am so much in love wirh her now.  Grateful and communicating.   Loving talk is the key.

Gina