Which hurts less

[Emma1017]

Kathy, Gina and Moni:

I agree with you all.  With all that my wife and I have been through it truly is just a question of talking.  I told her that I was transgender and wanted a sex change in February, 2018 and she is still here.  Our love comes through every time we kiss and we hug.

I have to stop thinking of it as my problem and share with her, simply me.  Emma has always been a part of me and our relationship.  She is not a threat.

It will always be us.

Hugs,

Emma

[Stepheewt]

Yesterday I met with my analyst.  She is just great.  I have trusted her and opened up to her from day one.  She sees right through me.  She has this knowing smile when I am trying to BS my way around something.  She never let's me get away with ducking or hiding.

We were talking about the times I have fully presented as Emma.  She note yesterday when I was describing a dress I bought for my next outing that she saw the "Emma" smile.

I asked her what she meant (I was actually blushing....I never do that!).  She said she can always tell the differences in my smiles and knows exactly every time I am Emma.

That has made me super happy!

I wanted to share that here.


Hugs,

Emma

That story is amazing...the Emma smile. I have felt that way myself lately. I am in love with all my Stephee pictures. I feel like it's the mirror I want to look into each day. I just can't. But it's weird, I'll spend my day in Stephee mode. Go back to the mask (as I feel guy mode is,) when my wife returns. And there has been many times she says I seem happier today. Actually called me giddy the other day.  The happier me is bleeding through. I wish you all the love in the world in tackling the Elephant in the room with your wife. I keep hoping for you that one day I will read that you and her worked it out, you had the talk and your gonna be good. I keep hoping for your happiness and your emotional well being.

Hugs
Stepheewt

[Emma1017]

Thank you Stephee.  I agree there is something unique about a joyful smile!

We have been waiting a lifetime to have it!

I truly look forward to the day when I no longer feel this soulful pain of unfulfillment.  I want that smile forever and I hope the same for you.

Hugs,

Emma

[KimOct]

Kathy, Gina and Moni:

I agree with you all.  With all that my wife and I have been through it truly is just a question of talking.  I told her that I was transgender and wanted a sex change in February, 2018 and she is still here.  Our love comes through every time we kiss and we hug.

I have to stop thinking of it as my problem and share with her, simply me.  Emma has always been a part of me and our relationship.  She is not a threat.

It will always be us.

Hugs,

Emma

I had a very hard week at work, it tore me up.  So relieved to get to the weekend.

This really cheered me up !!!!!!!

YAY  !!!!!! 

Emma you have arrived.     There is tough stuff ahead but this is the toughest of all.  I am so thrilled with where your head is at.  IMO you are looking at this the right way. (Hmmm who said this before    I am kidding )

Now that I don't have to kick your butt regularly who is next?  Hmmm.... let me think.  Moni is at peace.
Maybe I will just do it for fun.   

So proud of you.  There are going to be other challenges but this was the showdown.  You got this.   

[Kirsteneklund7]

Its been nail biting couple of days.

My thoughts are with you Emma. Good will come out of this.

Your wife and yourself are good solid people.

Warmest regards, Kirsten.

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

[HappyMoni]

I have to stop thinking of it as my problem and share with her, simply me.  Emma has always been a part of me and our relationship.  She is not a threat.

It will always be us.

Hugs,

Emma

   Oh, I absolutely love this, Emma. If you enter your discussion thinking that you are bringing misery or heartbreak, she may very likely see it that way as well. I like to think of it as you bringing a challenge to both of you as a couple. Stupid guilt and past shame are exactly the wrong way to approach this. If you can let go of that and show her that this is just a bit of a do over or a bright new beginning (no modification is better word) then your chances of success are greatly improved.
   Kim, I continually marvel at your strength!
   Hey kids, I really think this is a great group of ladies on this thread. I wish we could all actually hang out in person. We could have kind of a Weekend at Berney's where the dead guy is our old shame and guilt personified as Berney.
   I had kind of a cool thing happen at work if I can share. I went swimming with students for the first time as me at work. Later a coworker who was also there came up to me and told me that she really admired what I had done. "I know it took guts to do that." I said that no, at this point that is no big deal to me. If someone looks at me weird or something, well, screw them. She said, no that I looked great but that she really admired everything I had done to become who I  really am and that she loved me. Now this is not someone I was ever close with, in fact, she being a bit on  the conservative side of things, I wasn't sure if she would outright reject me. I have to say that it made me feel pretty good that she said all this. I really feel that this thing we do, this struggle to become who we really are, inspires a lot of people. I have had a lot of people confess admiration for stepping up and fighting to be who I really am. Pretransition, I could not have imagined that. I suspect that many, many people have their own non-trans struggles to be themselves, and our highly visible battle is something they admire.  I now return you to your regularly scheduled program. 

[Stepheewt]

   I had kind of a cool thing happen at work if I can share. I went swimming with students for the first time as me at work. Later a coworker who was also there came up to me and told me that she really admired what I had done. "I know it took guts to do that." I said that no, at this point that is no big deal to me. If someone looks at me weird or something, well, screw them. She said, no that I looked great but that she really admired everything I had done to become who I  really am and that she loved me. Now this is not someone I was ever close with, in fact, she being a bit on  the conservative side of things, I wasn't sure if she would outright reject me. I have to say that it made me feel pretty good that she said all this. I really feel that this thing we do, this struggle to become who we really are, inspires a lot of people. I have had a lot of people confess admiration for stepping up and fighting to be who I really am. Pretransition, I could not have imagined that. I suspect that many, many people have their own non-trans struggles to be themselves, and our highly visible battle is something they admire.  I now return you to your regularly scheduled program. 

That's a great story.....so amazing that someone you didn't know was watching you, stepped up to let you know that. Your spirit is just awesome.

[KimOct]

   Oh, I absolutely love this, Emma. If you enter your discussion thinking that you are bringing misery or heartbreak, she may very likely see it that way as well. I like to think of it as you bringing a challenge to both of you as a couple. Stupid guilt and past shame are exactly the wrong way to approach this. If you can let go of that and show her that this is just a bit of a do over or a bright new beginning (no modification is better word) then your chances of success are greatly improved.
   Kim, I continually marvel at your strength!
   Hey kids, I really think this is a great group of ladies on this thread. I wish we could all actually hang out in person. We could have kind of a Weekend at Berney's where the dead guy is our old shame and guilt personified as Berney.
   I had kind of a cool thing happen at work if I can share. I went swimming with students for the first time as me at work. Later a coworker who was also there came up to me and told me that she really admired what I had done. "I know it took guts to do that." I said that no, at this point that is no big deal to me. If someone looks at me weird or something, well, screw them. She said, no that I looked great but that she really admired everything I had done to become who I  really am and that she loved me. Now this is not someone I was ever close with, in fact, she being a bit on  the conservative side of things, I wasn't sure if she would outright reject me. I have to say that it made me feel pretty good that she said all this. I really feel that this thing we do, this struggle to become who we really are, inspires a lot of people. I have had a lot of people confess admiration for stepping up and fighting to be who I really am. Pretransition, I could not have imagined that. I suspect that many, many people have their own non-trans struggles to be themselves, and our highly visible battle is something they admire.  I now return you to your regularly scheduled program. 

Thanks for sharing Moni.  As I have said many times I experience the same type of thing often.  From everyone? No.
But from many.  And you know if some say it others think it.

Pre transition we have so much fear of the handful that will judge us.  And the handful of the few are usually silent.
Does it hurt when they are jerks. Yes.  In a work meeting this week one guy kept calling me he.  I didn't want to bring the meeting to a screeching halt so I let it go.  Every other person said she.

Most people admire our guts.  Moni and I and others can tell you all this again and again but it is hard to believe until you experience it.  But it will happen.

And yes I would love to get together with members of this discussion.  I did a similar thing with a group from another trans forum in 2016.  It was so much fun but it also changed my life.  We had a 3 day weekend. I was early in transition and seeing how comfortable they were in their own skin transformed me.  Plus it was a blast.

[Emma1017]

Thank you everyone! 

I feel like I have finally internalized what is important.  I believe that I am past the soul crushing point!

You gals are the best.

Big hugs,

Emma

[HappyMoni]

Thank you everyone! 

I feel like I have finally internalized what is important.  I believe that I am past the soul crushing point!

You gals are the best.

Big hugs,

Emma

That sounds wonderful Emma. It is a hard road, that's for sure, but the payoff can be huge.

[KathyLauren]

Thank you everyone! 

I feel like I have finally internalized what is important.  I believe that I am past the soul crushing point!

You gals are the best.

Big hugs,

Emma

One of the things that keeps me coming to this site is seeing people "turn a corner" and find their way clear to moving forward.  It sounds like that's where you are now, and it is such a joy to see!  You've got this!

I'll accept that hug and give it right back to you!

[Paige]

One of the things that keeps me coming to this site is seeing people "turn a corner" and find their way clear to moving forward.  It sounds like that's where you are now, and it is such a joy to see!  You've got this!

Exactly Kathy.   Having not transitioned, the struggles of Emma and others on Susan's validates what I'm going through and then when one of those people "turns the corner" it's truly inspiring.  One of these days hopefully I'll be one of those people. I think I should make another donation to Susan's. 😊

[HappyMoni]

Exactly Kathy.   Having not transitioned, the struggles of Emma and others on Susan's validates what I'm going through and then when one of those people "turns the corner" it's truly inspiring.  One of these days hopefully I'll be one of those people. I think I should make another donation to Susan's. 😊

Hey Paige, we can 'gang up' on you like we did Emma if you like! LOL I say that in jest, I hope she didn't feel ganged up on. Come on Paige, to quote a Monty Python skit, "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!"

Kathy, I am so glad to see one of my 'nursery mates' here as well. We are of the same generation except, damn it, I'm a little older in Susan years. lol

Where's Dr. Kim? Paging Dr. Kim!

[Emma1017]

I have to start this entry with just another "Thank You!".  You all are great.

I started today by gathering up all of  my men's jockey underwear and just threw them out.  I have been replacing them with an androgynous style for the last two years but I still held on to them...no more "tidy whities"!  It felt really good.

It's funny Kim and Moni I never felt pushed, bullied or ganged up on.  All I have felt is support.  It has taken all this time to finally purge a lifetime of emotional toxins that I never knew I was living with and know there is a better way to feel.

Hugs,

Emma

[Stepheewt]

I have to start this entry with just another "Thank You!".  You all are great.

I started today by gathering up all of  my men's jockey underwear and just threw them out.  I have been replacing them with an androgynous style for the last two years but I still held on to them...no more "tidy whities"!  It felt really good.

It's funny Kim and Moni I never felt pushed, bullied or ganged up on.  All I have felt is support.  It has taken all this time to finally purge a lifetime of emotional toxins that I never knew I was living with and know there is a better way to feel.

Hugs,

Emma

Its so great to see you push through all your struggles. I know there are more ahead, but you can make it. The toxins are worse for you then the alternative. Also Im glad the tidy whities are gone. Always hated those things. Wents to boxer briefs that are temp control. Bassically feel ver similiar to soft panties. Nylon feel and smooth.

one more thing, i agree, when i come here there is no gang up. Just feels like a bunch of girls getting coffee together supporting each other. Sometimes you get to talk and alot of times you can just sit back and listen with a smile on your face. (another cup please..carmel mocha latte)

[Linde]

I started today by gathering up all of  my men's jockey underwear and just threw them out.  I have been replacing them with an androgynous style for the last two years but I still held on to them...no more "tidy whities"!  It felt really good.


Hugs,

Emma

You are far ahead of me in that area!  here I live full time for more than a year, have all my legal name change done, but... I have not thrown away a single item of my former male clothing, nothing, not even almost worn out underpants!
I don't know what keeps me from doing this, but I just can't get myself to tackle this task!  I have shoes I never ever will wear again, I have suits that I never ever will wear again, etc. etc.  They all still hanging there and taking up closet space, but I just can't throw them/give them away!
All of us seem to have some hangups, and I always thought I was a pretty tough broad (unless I have to eliminate my male stuff, there is nothing tough left in me)!

[HappyMoni]

I have to start this entry with just another "Thank You!".  You all are great.

I started today by gathering up all of  my men's jockey underwear and just threw them out.  I have been replacing them with an androgynous style for the last two years but I still held on to them...no more "tidy whities"!  It felt really good.

It's funny Kim and Moni I never felt pushed, bullied or ganged up on.  All I have felt is support.  It has taken all this time to finally purge a lifetime of emotional toxins that I never knew I was living with and know there is a better way to feel.

Hugs,

Emma

Yea, Kimmy, our "cover" is still not blown. 

Emma, don't read my note to Kim okay? Actually, what you are saying is music to a co-conspirators ears. From everything you have said about your life, Emma, and what you have been through, this is more than you figuring out your gender issues. I think you are choosing to live. I think you are putting fear in its place and deciding to grab for joy and living life to its fullest. I hope (really hard kind of hoping) that you can bring your partner along with you and let the light of the two of you shine brightly. Now, let's all do that, damn it! 


Oh Stephee, I'll have that there mocher latte now! Need a double to sit around watching Linde burn old clothes! Bun baby burn!

[Stepheewt]

Oh Stephee, I'll have that there mocher latte now! Need a double to sit around watching Linde burn old clothes! Burn baby burn!

Now that sounds like fun, a bombfire .......weirdly enough I have a bunch...most of which I donrpt wear anyway. I have very little Stephee clothes stashed, and a lot of my old male clothes don't fit anyway.(honestly I have some shirts that would definitely embarrass me in male mode) Let's just say I layer a lot, use Spanx, and cover up otherwise. Getting harder to do so. ........but that's another conversation.......anyhooooo.......so I highlighted my hair today.......(change that order, make that latte a Hot nutty Irishman,...3 shots)

[HappyMoni]

Stephee,
   A bombfire sounds sounds pretty entertaining. I'll be in the back row for that one though. I'm a little less adventurous preferring bonfires. Sounds like someone needs some shopping. Just sayin'! Next month will be three years since I wore guy clothes. Can't fathom that. I wore a cute little sun dress yesterday and what does my friend say? "You need to shave your knees!" Dang cis woman! I grew them to zap em.

[Stepheewt]

Stephee,
   A bombfire sounds sounds pretty entertaining. I'll be in the back row for that one though. I'm a little less adventurous preferring bonfires. Sounds like someone needs some shopping. Just sayin'! Next month will be three years since I wore guy clothes. Can't fathom that. I wore a cute little sun dress yesterday and what does my friend say? "You need to shave your knees!" Dang cis woman! I grew them to zap em.

Lol....grew them to zap them....is that the hairs or the cis woman who pointed that out (it's like keep it to yourself.....or I'll....⚡️......yes a shopping trip will happen. Need to take some weight off first. It's a nice camouflage for hiding my changes though, so things may start to appear more when I lose some weight....or simply maybe I lose that too. Who knows...