Which hurts less

[Emma1017]

Awww thanks Kathy.

[Emma1017]

Ok wish me luck.  I am going to Donna (my makeup stylist) for a makeover and shoe shopping this afternoon. 

This should be hysterical!

[Emma1017]

OK I am such a massive amateur.

The new avatar was taken before we went shoe shopping at DSW.  Donna was adorably pushy about the way I walked and how I used my arms.  Even after we found the shoes she made me walk through the store (which felt huge) looking at more shoes and making me walk more.

Everyone was looking at me....not.  But it felt like it.

OK Kim and Moni bring it on

[Linde]

OK I am such a massive amateur.

The new avatar was taken before we went shoe shopping at DSW.  Donna was adorably pushy about the way I walked and how I used my arms.  Even after we found the shoes she made me walk through the store (which felt huge) looking at more shoes and making me walk more.

Everyone was looking at me....not.  But it felt like it.

OK Kim and Moni bring it on

Your new avatar looks definitely hot lady!

[KimOct]

OK I am such a massive amateur.

The new avatar was taken before we went shoe shopping at DSW.  Donna was adorably pushy about the way I walked and how I used my arms.  Even after we found the shoes she made me walk through the store (which felt huge) looking at more shoes and making me walk more.

Everyone was looking at me....not.  But it felt like it.

OK Kim and Moni bring it on

Bring it on   Hardly, you are rocking girl.   Walking around DSW nothing wrong with that.  It took me months before I was anything close to being comfortable in public.  And how you are seeing things regarding your wife..........
Fantastic !!!!  I think waiting until shortly after your anniversary is appropriate.  But not too long.

And your new avatar,  you are #$%@$ adorable.  I don't want to hear anymore of this eh it's just a good picture crap.
You are adorable.  I hate you.    (The highest compliment a woman can be paid )   

[Stepheewt]

Stephee

I. faced the same frightening situation in February. I knewmy wife might want to choose to part.  I finally realized I owed the woman I loved to be honest.  It was hard, but we started listening deeply.  It has renewed our love.  I knew it might, but knew she had to be free to choose, to have her concerns equal to mine.  As Kim said it is what marriage should be about.

Still,  It is a fear we each must face, I think. My view is the sooner the better.  Delaying may erode trust.   

Courage!  Good luck

Hugs

Gina

Gina I came so close to doing it. Just telling her the truth.  Has an opportunity when she saw my highlights in my hair.(understand I don't wear make up around her, I pull my hair all the way back, use a lot of hats) but....she saw it. Her reaction was what did you do. I told her I used the sun in because I was bored. She just shook her head told me it's getting too long. You need to get it cut soon. Almost showed her this picture in profile now. But I just chickened out. I was so close.
Then today she has a breakdown ( dishes has a lot of medical issues, fighting with her parents, there older live 4 states away, but physical abuse doesn't go away) Now all that is laid out there.
It's like ....just put Stephee away. Keep binding my chest Back to the same thing.....It's so hard.



Thank you also Kim, Emma, Linde, Kathy. And yes the panic attacks are very real. So is my panic over how I feel. Just crazy to have some things just set me off. Thank you all for your support.

[Emma1017]

Stephee I have read your post a bunch of times.  You know I feel for you!

The constant statement on this thread has been that everyone has to find their own answers.  There is no way anyone can know your relationship with your wife the way that you do.  I believe that you will find a way to share with your wife in the best way possible.  You are doing your best!

I have tried in this massively selfish thread to try and convey how I have felt and what I was going through.

My whole fear from the beginning was hurting my wife.  It has taken this long to realize that my own pain was not sustainable and that I must risk my relationship if I am to find any peace in my lifetime.  Over the next week or so I will tell my wife I must transition.  Even now that sounds so alien to me.  Truthfully I have "chickened out" dozens of times for a multitude of reasons.  My evolving transition has reached a point where I know my personal truth, inescapably.

I am glad the Gina and Moni have found a way to preserve their relationships.  I hope with my heart that Kirsten can find a way to be herself and be with her partner.  Frighteningly, I will soon find out my own answer with my wife.

There isn't any other way for me and I hate it.

Hugs,

Emma

[Faith]

Gina I came so close to doing it. Just telling her the truth.  Has an opportunity when she saw my highlights in my hair.(understand I don't wear make up around her, I pull my hair all the way back, use a lot of hats) but....she saw it. Her reaction was what did you do. I told her I used the sun in because I was bored. She just shook her head told me it's getting too long. You need to get it cut soon. Almost showed her this picture in profile now. But I just chickened out. I was so close.
Then today she has a breakdown ( dishes has a lot of medical issues, fighting with her parents, there older live 4 states away, but physical abuse doesn't go away) Now all that is laid out there.
It's like ....just put Stephee away. Keep binding my chest Back to the same thing.....It's so hard.



Thank you also Kim, Emma, Linde, Kathy. And yes the panic attacks are very real. So is my panic over how I feel. Just crazy to have some things just set me off. Thank you all for your support.

Stephee, it's still a struggle with my wife a year and a half after telling her. Not support-wise, guilt and fear on my side!!. One of the things she told me was that she was glad I hadn't lied to her, I told her within weeks of me figuring myself out. Had I lied or covered it up for a long time, she would have left me over trust issues. This is not true for every spouse, I am simply recounting mine. It's something to consider .. what's harder, her overcoming the news? Or her overcoming the lie?

pardon the interruption Emma Awesome profile photo, btw!!

[Emma1017]

Thank you for the compliment Faith.  I still feel very awkward.

I was thinking about the idea that I have been "lying" to my wife.  The one thing I have hated over the last year is not telling my wife about the make-overs and the laser/electrolysis.  She knows about the HRT and therapy. I didn't want her confronted with a "reality" that I wasn't sure was real.  I was afraid to hurt her but I hate the white lies.

Now I know what I will do so I will tell her what I must do.  I will make sure that she knows that I need her and want her part of my life as I go forward but no more hiding by me.  I just can't do that anymore.

I am brutally afraid but she needs to know I wasn't cheating on her, I was protecting her from my indecision that, as I have shown on this thread countless times, was tearing me apart.

At least I spared her that.

[TonyaW]

I'll second what Faith said.  Wasn't exactly lying to my wife but kept a lot of stuff hidden for longer than I should have, even after she knew of me being trans. Fear of her reaction and waiting for the right time to disclose things. That and all the hiding and repressing my trans issues in the past and the poor way I dealt with them has caused major trust issues for her.

Emma,  must be true since everyone is is saying it, your new avatar photo looks great.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk

[Emma1017]

I agree with you Tonya, we  were never given any tools to deal with this lifetime of hiding our fear, shame and guilt.  How were we to begin to share that with our loved ones?  How could we explain the inexplicable?

Those that love us are also innocent victims but we can't carry the entire blame for the world in which we were shoved.

Just like I have been processing this reality, I am trying to give my wife time to do the same.  I am making my decision and she needs to make hers.  In the end, that is just the way it is (and I hate it).

Maybe I am doing a lousy job but, as I said earlier to Stephee, I am doing the best I can.  Hind-sight is never not fair to you, so give yourself the room to be human.

This is a rigged game and we just don't know the rules.

Hugs,

Emma

ps  The only thing I like in the photo is my smile.  It keeps telling me I am doing the right thing.  I really need to know that.  I am so afraid!

[Emma1017]

Kim its all wig and makeup...notice the man hands?

[GinaG]

Still a cute look!   Hands and all.

I know you, and Stephee,  kirstin....  Everyone is doing the best they can in facing the issues with themselves, and spouses.  I know the fear, the concern,  the love that drives our decisions.  I hope everyone knows my thoughts and experiences are mine.  I have had a great outcome. I feel lucky in that.  If it helps give ideas and hope  good. 

You are right.  I was telling my therapist that I have no rules for this. I do get support and some direction on here, but it is just one day at a time.

It's good to see the smile.

Hugs

Gina

[Emma1017]

Thanks Gina.  Never apologize for being happy.  You deserve it.


Separately, I just got off the phone with the office of the GCS surgeon.  The first date for just consultation is September, 2020!  Whoa that is a long wait!  Pretty much blew me out of the water.  I haven't even made the commitment to transition with my wife and now I have to wait years even if I go through with it!!!

God I just want to cry.  This whole damn thing is filled with endless frustrations and pain.  I really don't know if I have it in me.  I really don't know where I am going to pull this strength from!

[KimOct]

Thank you for the compliment Faith.  I still feel very awkward.

I was thinking about the idea that I have been "lying" to my wife.  The one thing I have hated over the last year is not telling my wife about the make-overs and the laser/electrolysis.  She knows about the HRT and therapy. I didn't want her confronted with a "reality" that I wasn't sure was real.  I was afraid to hurt her but I hate the white lies.

Now I know what I will do so I will tell her what I must do.  I will make sure that she knows that I need her and want her part of my life as I go forward but no more hiding by me.  I just can't do that anymore.

I am brutally afraid but she needs to know I wasn't cheating on her, I was protecting her from my indecision that, as I have shown on this thread countless times, was tearing me apart.

At least I spared her that.

I was thinking about the idea that I have been "lying" to my wife.  The one thing I have hated over the last year is not telling my wife about the make-overs and the laser/electrolysis.   I was afraid to hurt her but I hate the white lies.

Advice is easy to give and much more difficult to consider.  I think back to some of the advice I received in the past and didn't follow.  They were right.  That said I know it is easy for me to give my opinion but I will anyway.

I think Emma is in a good place now how she is looking at this.  The thing about lying by omission is that it is still lying.  Have I lied?  Sadly yes but I am a good person we are all flawed.  I truly believe the same of Emma.  But I have read this story time and time and time again in recent years on transgender sites.

" I am going to try to ease my wife into it and hopefully with time she will be accepting".  It reminds me of the analogy about putting a frog in a pot of water and slowly increasing the heat until the frog doesn't realize it is being boiled.

In short it is manipulation.  Not for a sinister purpose but rather to try and get things to work out the way we want.
Wives are equal partners.  Just as we deserve the truth from them they also deserve the truth from us.

In my opinion having an open and honest conversation is a scary prospect with possibly devastating results.  The other options however only turn a difficult situation into a festering wound.

I do think that once everything is out in the open from both sides a period of adjustment is more than fair.  Gradually changing appearance, HRT, planning surgeries, discussing how and when to come out etc etc.  But these gradual changes are only fair and honest once the truth is out in the open and discussed.

Emma I am happy you are planning on following this path.  Now find the courage and do it.  To others - easy for me to say and hard for you to do,  I realize that but search yourself.  Does it sound right?

[KimOct]

Thanks Gina.  Never apologize for being happy.  You deserve it.


Separately, I just got off the phone with the office of the GCS surgeon.  The first date for just consultation is September, 2020!  Whoa that is a long wait!  Pretty much blew me out of the water.  I haven't even made the commitment to transition with my wife and now I have to wait years even if I go through with it!!!

God I just want to cry.  This whole damn thing is filled with endless frustrations and pain.  I really don't know if I have it in me.  I really don't know where I am going to pull this strength from!

Emma you do have it in you.  Think of the pain and challenges in your life.  You are still here.  You are still moving forward.  You will find the strength.

I did not used to consider myself a particularly strong person until other people pointed it out.  Autistic kids, corporate downsizing, cancer, heart attacks, coming out as trans etc etc.  I just kept putting one foot in front of the other.
Friends say - how do you do it?  What other choice was there, I was just living my life.

We all find the strength we need when we need it.  I don't know from where but it rises to the top.  Emma I am convinced you can do this.  Go  ahead, feel worried, afraid, anxious and then go do it anyway.  That is what courage is.


By the way there is no surgery to reduce 'man hands'    I have been seeing lots of giant women at work lately I mean as tall as me ( 6'2") and I mean quite a few.   Whether you believe it or not you look great - and yes the smile is the best part.  As for the wig - most middle age transwomen wear wigs ( yours looks great )  I lucked out on the hair thing for my age.  I guess it makes up for my nose 

[Stepheewt]

Stephee I have read your post a bunch of times.  You know I feel for you!

The constant statement on this thread has been that everyone has to find their own answers.  There is no way anyone can know your relationship with your wife the way that you do.  I believe that you will find a way to share with your wife in the best way possible.  You are doing your best!

I have tried in this massively selfish thread to try and convey how I have felt and what I was going through.

My whole fear from the beginning was hurting my wife.  It has taken this long to realize that my own pain was not sustainable and that I must risk my relationship if I am to find any peace in my lifetime.  Over the next week or so I will tell my wife I must transition.  Even now that sounds so alien to me.  Truthfully I have "chickened out" dozens of times for a multitude of reasons.  My evolving transition has reached a point where I know my personal truth, inescapably.

I am glad the Gina and Moni have found a way to preserve their relationships.  I hope with my heart that Kirsten can find a way to be herself and be with her partner.  Frighteningly, I will soon find out my own answer with my wife.

There isn't any other way for me and I hate it.

Hugs,

Emma

It's just so hard, and then there is the later fall out of my kids....I'm glad I have support here. And I know you too are going through the same things. I feel for you.
Thanks for your words

[Stepheewt]

Stephee, it's still a struggle with my wife a year and a half after telling her. Not support-wise, guilt and fear on my side!!. One of the things she told me was that she was glad I hadn't lied to her, I told her within weeks of me figuring myself out. Had I lied or covered it up for a long time, she would have left me over trust issues. This is not true for every spouse, I am simply recounting mine. It's something to consider .. what's harder, her overcoming the news? Or her overcoming the lie?

pardon the interruption Emma Awesome profile photo, btw!!

It will happen.....just when....closest I ever came was this weekend... Almost doesn't count.
I don't want to lie. She knows somethings some truth, but not the whole truth. That I'm afraid will destroy her. Very hard.

On a positive note started my diet on Tuesday. Doing well so far...
Thanks for your kind words. I respect them and thank you for your honesty and caring.

[Emma1017]

Stephee, I share your same fear, that the whole truth will destroy my wife but I am working on strengthening my resolution and conviction.

I believe/hope that when I have the "talk' with my wife that she sees and feels my resolved conviction combined with my absolute commitment to her.  Instead of me against her or Emma against her I pray with all my heart that all she sees is "us/we"!

Over the last few months I have been ripping myself apart, 24/7, trying every way possible to deny that I am transgender.  I have fought every way possible to absolutely not transition.  I am even fighting it now but I am running out of the strength to deny who I am as I arrive at my truth at the same time. 

I married a smart, strong, loving adult and we have shared a lifetime together.  We have solved many things with and for each other.  I want/know/hope that she wants to be there for me and for us and that she wants to be with me. 

I know I can also bring joy to her life if she stays.  Today is our 38th anniversary.


Massive hug and a few tears,

Emma

[HappyMoni]

Happy Anniversary Emma!