Which hurts less

[KimOct]

Emma it is obvious you have a wonderful marriage.  I don't know your wife but from how you have described her I like your chances. 

As I type this I hope you are having a wonderful anniversary. 

[Stepheewt]

Stephee, I share your same fear, that the whole truth will destroy my wife but I am working on strengthening my resolution and conviction.

I believe/hope that when I have the "talk' with my wife that she sees and feels my resolved conviction combined with my absolute commitment to her.  Instead of me against her or Emma against her I pray with all my heart that all she sees is "us/we"!

Over the last few months I have been ripping myself apart, 24/7, trying every way possible to deny that I am transgender.  I have fought every way possible to absolutely not transition.  I am even fighting it now but I am running out of the strength to deny who I am as I arrive at my truth at the same time. 

I married a smart, strong, loving adult and we have shared a lifetime together.  We have solved many things with and for each other.  I want/know/hope that she wants to be there for me and for us and that she wants to be with me. 

I know I can also bring joy to her life if she stays.  Today is our 38th anniversary.


Massive hug and a few tears,

Emma

We and us is how you hope it goes down. That's the dream. And I have been denying myself for years now. The more I think of my past the more I see it has always been there. It's scary.
I was thinking earlier today. I should write out a shorten version of my story just for therapeutic reasons. Also I have had a few ask. I just may, just to see if it's similar to others. Maybe just so I can get it all out. I truly hope you and your wife can work through it all. btw ...cute picture

[Emma1017]

Stephee I strongly recommend starting your own thread, if for no other reason then to just vent.  Look how ridiculously long my selfish thread has become.  Thank God everyone here is to warm, patient and willing to share otherwise both my therapist and numerous bartenders would be millionaires!


Kim and Moni thank you for your warm anniversary wishes.  We had a nice evening.  We have been married for 38 years and together for 43, hence my brutally long and painful battle with transitioning.   

Yes, yes, yes I know Kim I have to talk with her but I am so afraid of that pain I will see in her eyes...I need that strength and conviction I keep talking about but that is easier said than done.

I keep looking for a way out...and there is none...sigh

[Faith]

Stephee, I share your same fear, that the whole truth will destroy my wife but I am working on strengthening my resolution and conviction.

I believe/hope that when I have the "talk' with my wife that she sees and feels my resolved conviction combined with my absolute commitment to her.  Instead of me against her or Emma against her I pray with all my heart that all she sees is "us/we"!

Over the last few months I have been ripping myself apart, 24/7, trying every way possible to deny that I am transgender.  I have fought every way possible to absolutely not transition.  I am even fighting it now but I am running out of the strength to deny who I am as I arrive at my truth at the same time. 

I married a smart, strong, loving adult and we have shared a lifetime together.  We have solved many things with and for each other.  I want/know/hope that she wants to be there for me and for us and that she wants to be with me. 

I know I can also bring joy to her life if she stays.  Today is our 38th anniversary.


Massive hug and a few tears,

Emma

Oh, I missed this yesterday, congratulations. Next month will be 37 for my wife and I. Yes we are having our struggles, currently most of them centered on transition (imagine that!!). Even with that our conversations and plans center on growing old together.

For better or for worse? For some, they see what I am going through/putting her through as worse for her. For others it's better. For my wife it's both. To put in context, before I came out to myself, and subsequently to her, she was getting ready to leave me - now she is staying. That says a lot for who I was and who I am now and it says a lot about who she is.


I hope that you find out the same. A strong supportive wife who loves you, not the shell.

[KimOct]

Yes, yes, yes I know Kim I have to talk with her but I am so afraid of that pain I will see in her eyes...I need that strength and conviction I keep talking about but that is easier said than done.

I keep looking for a way out...and there is none...sigh

It is far easier said than done.  That is true with any form of courage.  Based on the love you have for her you know she is owed the truth.  Sorry for speaking the painful truth but I think that is what you want and it is what she deserves.

Huge hugs Emma.

My suggestion.  You had a nice evening last night.  Enjoy this weekend, do not drive yourself crazy.  Putting this to the side for a couple of days is not going to change anything.  Enjoy your weekend as much as you can and start facing this next week.  You deserve a mental break.  Just a thought.

[Emma1017]

God this is just so painful.  She deserves better.

Thanks Kim for your thoughts and Faith best wishes for you and your wife.

[KimOct]

We and us is how you hope it goes down. That's the dream. And I have been denying myself for years now. The more I think of my past the more I see it has always been there. It's scary.
I was thinking earlier today. I should write out a shorten version of my story just for therapeutic reasons. Also I have had a few ask. I just may, just to see if it's similar to others. Maybe just so I can get it all out. I truly hope you and your wife can work through it all. btw ...cute picture

Stephee I agree with Emma, start a thread. There are several benefits. 
1. A place to vent.
2. Advice from others for you
3. As I remind Emma often there are so many people reading that don't post. Your story and our opinions give them things to consider. 

Emma feels that her thread has been selfish, I always disagree.  The reason it has so many views is because it prompts discussions that are helpful to others. 

( well of course it is also because Emma is just so darn fascinating  )  Sorry Emma I have to tease you occasionally or you wouldn't know I like you ,

[Emma1017]

Kim don't make me tell Mom...

[KimOct]

Better Mom than Moni the mean sister 

[Stepheewt]

Stephee I strongly recommend starting your own thread, if for no other reason then to just vent.  Look how ridiculously long my selfish thread has become.  Thank God everyone here is to warm, patient and willing to share otherwise both my therapist and numerous bartenders would be millionaires

I understand that. Yeah I have thought about doing it. I guess I just need to find a place to start.
The more I think about it the more I now see just how long I have felt this way.
Major Denial.

Stephee I agree with Emma, start a thread. There are several benefits. 
1. A place to vent.
2. Advice from others for you
3. As I remind Emma often there are so many people reading that don't post. Your story and our opinions give them things to consider. 

Emma feels that her thread has been selfish, I always disagree.  The reason it has so many views is because it prompts discussions that are helpful to others. 

( well of course it is also because Emma is just so darn fascinating  )  Sorry Emma I have to tease you occasionally or you wouldn't know I like you ,

I guess that is what has held me back(who the hell wants to hear her story)...But you might be right, I have come here before looking for like minded people situations thoughts. At worst it will let me know Im on the right track. (Hey who knows maybe I'm not really Trans, I'm just a confused idiot, who is torturing himself with hormones to get a kick) Again DENIAL....

I guess that would be easier to just be that. I know in my heart the truth.

[Emma1017]

Wow this was a flash back. I have to start reading this from the beginning to see how much I have changed.

[REM.1126]

LOL, it's good to see you posting again. I am sure as you start reading it, you'll be held in suspense waiting to see how it ends.  Which begs the question, how are you doing in 2024?

[Emma1017]

This is like going back to high school and trying to recognize everyone, even yourself.

Like REM.1126, who are you?

[Alice]

Hi Emma,

It is great to see your old posts. So sorry I have not been posting much lately, I have been really busy with work.

I hope you are still going well.

Alice

[REM.1126]

This is like going back to high school and trying to recognize everyone, even yourself.

Like REM.1126, who are you?

Rachel Elizabeth Montgomery. 

[Northern Star Girl]

@Emma1017
Dear Emma:
I am aware that you are having difficulty posting your Avatar/Profile photo.

Send me a Private Forum message with your avatar/profile photo, 
I will try to get it posted on your profile ASAP.
HUGS, Danielle

[Emma1017]

Hi Danielle.  Not to be difficult but I could find where to do a Private Forum message.

In other news...I got green-lighted by my insurance company for the orchiectomy scheduled Feb.23.  Finally the moon, sun and stars are aligned!!!

[davina61]

You click on your profile. Good news dear, moving forward XX

[Northern Star Girl]

@Emma1017
Dear Emma:
Clear at the top of any page you will see "My Messages"  Click it an it will take you to your InBox.
I am sending you a Forum Private Message now so that you can check it out.

I am still eager to assist you with your desire to post an Avatar/Profile photo on your profile.
HUGS,
Danielle

Hi Danielle.  Not to be difficult but I could find where to do a Private Forum message.
- - - - -

[Emma1017]

Thanks Danielle and Davina for the help.  I finally got a photo on my profile. YAY!