Hello and Thank you!

[ShannonH]

Hello everyone, My name is Shannon (Yes that is my given name) I am 25 Years young .

Before I continue, Thank you for creating this amazing community space as it has been very helpful for me.

I would consider myself an incredibly lost male who has no Idea what he wants/needs or is/has been going through for most of my life.

I have suffered depression and social anxiety pretty much My whole life and mostly noticeable in my adult years. I would never be able to spend anytime around other males unless I was 100% pretending I was someone else and I would feel very uncomfortable and get extremely defensive. , I would always hang with the girls at school and even My best friend since year 1 is a woman.

I had recently started getting help for my depression and anxiety a few months ago and also have been getting professional help for this, which has also made me think about myself as a person a whole lot more than I ever have before.

I feel my sub-conscience mind has been pushing all the memory's and thoughts I have always had to the back of my head and telling me that there is nothing wrong. lets just say I have had a realisation that I am not happy with my gender as a male and never have been and I am honest to god scared and want to cry and just wish I knew what to do with all these recent memory's coming back and situations in my life that I have now realised meant something bigger than I had thought.

For example, When I was about 5 I would always want to spend time with my older sister and her friends, they would dress me in girls clothes and think it was making me annoyed or angry or trying to annoy me, but in reality I loved it and felt happy and did not want to stop. I would sing along in their pretend spice girl band as well (haha)

Fast forward to my early teenage years, I would constantly fantasise about being a woman and I would dress in woman's clothes all the time when no one was home.

I have extremely long eye-lashes and girl features that people have always complemented me on and in secret I love these features the most and craved these complements.

Fast forward to the last few years, My now girlfriend has said to me a number of times I am not like normal males, I am different, I am caring I have extreme emotions and cry without any type of embarrassment.
I am still incredibly defensive around other males and I do not have any male friends.

During intimacy with my gf I have never enjoyed being the ''dominant'' one or one that takes the lead, when I try to do this, it is very hard to enjoy myself or perform in an ''expectable manner''. I always fantasise about being swept of my feet and handled with care and love. I have tried plenty of times while in the moment to try and convince my gf to do reverse gender role plays.

I have also always felt the need to please her sexually way more than my self which we both have always found odd.

I love women's Hair, I even considered becoming a hair dresser in high school but chose not to because I was worried what people might think.

I love shopping, I could shop for hours with my gf. I absolutely dream of wearing makeup and picking the most beautiful clothes to wear.

But on the outside of all this, I am really not sure what is going on. it just feels like I have been missing something my whole life and have never been able to find who I want/need to be, it has been my biggest question my whole adult life.

Also A big apology for this extra long message, I know it is just a new person board but I am just scared and have just felt recently I have realised something and I am just not sure what to do (just in a difficult place at the moment)

Thank you so much.

<3

[V M]

Hi Shannon 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

How about stopping by our Introductions Forum and introducing yourself so more folks can get to know you a bit better 

Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that we offer to all new members to help them along

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)	Cautionary Note
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy	Membership Agreement

Hugs

V M

[Northern Star Girl]

@ShannonH
Hello Shannon:
I see that you were just welcomed here by our lovely member @V M ....
... but please allow me to also give your a warm WELCOME TO SUSAN'S PLACE,

I am glad that you have become a member of Susan's Place and that you have shared your posting with other members here on the Forums.
I am thinking that you may have lots more questions and concerns, this is the right place for you to be to find out what others have done that may have been in your circumstances.
Be aware that there are a lot of members here that can identify with your situation..
 
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others  and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here on the Forums if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....

***It's a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new friends here. 
Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace. 

In her Welcome Message  V M  included Important LINKS that will tell you about Susan's Place.  Included there is information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.   
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.   

Please don't be a stranger, we want to share postings and thoughts with you.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle

[Virginia]

I feel my sub-conscience mind has been pushing all the memory's and thoughts I have always had to the back of my head and telling me that there is nothing wrong. lets just say I have had a realisation that I am not happy with my gender as a male and never have been and I am honest to god scared and want to cry and just wish I knew what to do with all these recent memory's coming back and situations in my life that I have now realised meant something bigger than I had thought.

You have taken an extremely difficult and important first step by beginning therapy. As time goes on the meaning of the things your subconscious is beginning to reveal will become clear. In my case, I was originally diagnosed as a transsexual with Gender Dysphoria. As my mind began to unpack my childhood in therapy, the time/memory loss, flashbacks and night terrors began. I was diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID)/Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD) resulting from childhood sexual and psychological abuse and referred for trauma recovery therapy. My mind had completely hidden the horrible things that happened to me to a child til I was 51.

[KellyMarieinAZ]

From a recently new member to the site, Welcome and thank you for sharing.

You have taken the huge first step which is to seek out therapy to help you decipher your thoughts and emotions. I just started therapy for anxiety and depression, and realized that my gender dysphoria is at the root of most of my other issues. I was just able to make the affirmation out loud that I am transsexual and have known, but denied, all my life. This affirmation was such a relief for me to finally admit the truth to myself and stop hiding.

Like you, I have always gravitated toward girls/woman for friendships, have always placed my partner's pleasure ahead my own during sex, and have tended to me much more open about my emotions than most men. I have very few friends, and most are women. Friendships with guys tends to feel forced and foreign to me. It's not that I'm attracted to them, but rather I don't have much in common with them.

You mention that your GF has recognized differences in you compared to other guys. You didn't mention how she feels about that. Is that what has attracted you to her? Have you talked about your feelings about your gender?

Although difficult, you need to have the conversation with her sooner than later. Yes, it is a risk that she may not be okay with things, but it's a risk that will be there now or in 25 years if you try to hide things. Your gender identity will not change, no matter how much you try to force it back into the suitcase. You are at an age that many of us older girls wish we would have been able to be as self-aware as you, or lived in a society this much more accepting of us.

You have the world at your feet, and great resources here to tap into as you find the path of your journey. None of know where life will ultimately take us, but having a good vision of where you want to be is crucial to help you navigate the map.

Good luck and welcome aboard.

[ShannonH]

You mention that your GF has recognized differences in you compared to other guys. You didn't mention how she feels about that. Is that what has attracted you to her? Have you talked about your feelings about your gender?

Hi Kelly,

Thank you so much for your advice and wisdom.

Well My partner seems to enjoy the fact I am very different from other men, She just seems to enjoy the that I am caring and love doing things for her , although she does not know the origin or the back story to any of it.
I do notice sometimes she looks at me funny and sometimes she would wish she had some strong man to sweep her off her feet but she undoubtable loves me.

Put it this way, if I could wake up as a women tomorrow I would jump at that chance but I have a partner of 9 years and 2 Kids, (Sorry I did not mention that earlier) Loosing my partner and putting the kids in the middle of all of this just makes me feel like I am selfish and will cause them distress if I ever decided to begin on any sort of journey or "transition'' if that is what I must/choose I would need to do to help myself.

Also just to clarify, I have not had any childhood trauma, I had a awesome upbringing kind of a bit rough at times but I can thankfully look back and see good memory's, even the ones about telling my friend when I was 12-13 years of age that I wanted to get a sex change. (sorry did not specify that either before).

Thanks,
Shannon