I would like to tell my story, if only for some catharsis. I am sitting in my office, in midtown manhattan, wearing 4 inch pumps. I am 48 years old, a professional, married with one child. It may seem sad, but I very happy just to be able to be in my office, lock the door and fantasize about what I might become, one day.
I have always loved girls. Even in nursery school, I developed a crush so deep I asked her to marry me. (She came back the next day and told me her parents said she was too young :-). I remember throughout my childhood having crushes so deep that they hurt. My friends of course liked girls too. But I also felt like the beauty of a girl made me crazy in a way that was not the same as my other friends. To this day, when I see a beautiful woman, or a woman with tremendous sex appeal, I yearn for them in a way that almost seems extreme. The only difference is that now, as I have aged and my "dysphoria" (for lack of a better term) increases seemingly with each passing day, I see women and part of me wants to have sex with them, and another part wishes I could look like them.
The dysphoria started early for me. My first recollection was from about 5 years old. Hiding in my mother's closet, I rose up from a crouching position and found myself in one of her dresses. It is hard to describe, but I felt a sense of euphoria. When I was about 8 or 10, I would tuck my penis between my legs in the bathroom and stare at the reflection in the bathroom. Euphoric, again, but I had a sense my feelings were wrong somehow. I recall one time a counselor at summer camp, I think I was about 12, remarked that I would make a very pretty girl. Inwardly I was elated, but I put pretended I didn't appreciate the comment.
As I hit adolescence and started to masturbate, it was always about being a girl. My family was fairly well-off and we were fortunate to have a pool in our backyard. I recall going in to the pool and letting the jets hit my penis and fantasize that I didn't have one until I had an orgasm. It felt really good. As I got older, the only way I could masturbate to climax was to imagine myself as a girl. The old Victoria's Secret catalogues with the beautiful girls in their basques and corsets was my number 1 fantasy. These days, my best masturbation sessions, (I try to get in about 2 a day on weekdays), is with a pair of heels on reading a fictionmania story about a man who becomes a post-op woman.
From childhood into adulthood, however, I have always wanted to fit in and be popular. I never acted effeminate or ever let on to my trans feelings. I suppose I am a good actor, because I was relatively popular and have always had many, many good friends, none of whom have an inkling about my secret. I fit in well as a man. I like fantasy football and sports in general. I like to hang out with the boys.
I have been fortunate to have had many long term relationships with intelligent, beautiful women, even though I am vertically challenged and not the best looking guy by any stretch. Thrice engaged. My last girlfriend became my wife after she became pregnant. I always wanted to have children, and it seemed like the right think to do even though, in my heart of hearts, I knew I didn't love her as I should.
It has been a bumpy ride. It got even bumpier when, about 6 months ago, she started looking at my internet search history and confronted me. I came clean, telling her about the dysphoria since I was a child (but not about the heels in my office). It has been hard on her, and now, when we argue, which is all too frequent, she will go low and call me a ->-bleeped-<- and say all kinds of terrible things. As I am not very attracted to her anymore and can't stand the arguing, I consider getting separated all the time, but 2 things stop me- economics (I really can't afford 2 households) and my daughter who I love and cherish so much that I would hate to only be with her 50% of the time.
Transitioning. I fantasize about it constantly. I have seen therapists about it off and on for years. I just don't have the strength or courage to do anything about it. First, I come from a very old school, traditional nuclear and extended family. My parents, god bless them, are getting on in their years. If I transitioned it would be devastating to them. Also, in my day to day life, I am a gregarious fellow with many dear friends, colleagues and acquaintances. It would be shocking to them and (sorry to say, but it's how I feel) terribly embarrassing for me. And perhaps more than anything, I am terribly afraid that I will never pass. Every one is different, and I give great credit to those with the courage, but often I feel as though as much as I want to give in to my desire to transition, I would rather stick it out as a man than be a transwoman that does not pass, let alone one that is not attractive.
Of course, in my day dreams about transitioning, I think that sometime after my folks pass I will get the balls to go on hormones and stay as a man for about 2 years until hopefully with a bit of FFS and some body work I can not only pass but look half decent. Maybe I will move to Portland, Oregon, or some progressive place like it where no one will know me. IDK. It all seems right there but so unattainable given my current situation.
As someone who masturbates constantly about being a women, I have read and given a lot of thought to ->-bleeped-<-, a taboo subject I know. At first, I the theory resonated with me. But after some soul searching I realized that ->-bleeped-<- does not explain how or why I have had these feelings since childhood.
Another theory I have, although admittedly it is not well thought out and has plenty of holes, is that for the married straight guys like me that Blanchard was talking about, our desires to transition come from being so incredibly attracted to women that the idea of being one becomes erotic itself. If you put the sexual orientation of men on a line with gay men on the left, bi to the right of them and hetero to the right of bi, I feel like I am way further to the right of hetero as my insatiable love and fixation with women makes me want to be one. Or maybe I just should have been born a girl and my obsession comes from not being what I was supposed to be. I don't know.
I once went to a psychic who came highly recommended from a friend I consider to be very smart. Even though I didn't believe in such things I went at his insistence. This was at the dawn of the internet age, before you could find everything about someone online. The psychic took some horoscope type of information from me and told me she was going to do some kind of seance thingy and to come back in a few days.
When I came back to see her she had a look of fear. She said to me, earnestly, that I had a feminine soul. Since I definitely do not present the least bit feminine, I was shocked she knew, but I played it off that she must be crazy. Her statement has often made me think of the eternity of the soul and that perhaps I was and always was, a woman in past lives, if there are such things.
My wife thinks it is bizarre that I would would be a lesbian if I were a woman. While I try to explain that gender and orientation are not the same, I can see how to someone on the outside it might seem crazy. My biggest erotic fantasy is being screwed by a woman with a strap-on as a post-op. Weird, but true.
Well that's about it. I perhaps should go back, review and edit, but I am tired, and have a masturbation date with myself before I go out and meet one of my buddies and ogle the beautiful girls...
(Would love to hear feedback although not obligatory. I have been thinking of writing this mea culpa for some time. And if I offended anyone, please forgive me. No offense intended at all. I think you are all incredibly courageous.)
Cheers,
S
