Hello, I'm Anita ... or, at least that is what I'm currently thinking my name will be.
Several months ago, my dog and I went on a hiking vacation alone, traveling around Lake Superior and just spending time philosophizing, meditating, hiking, chatting with new people, etc... Yes, I'm one of those that really considers her life's values and spirituality and all that. Well, there was one hike in particular that something life changing happened. No, I wasn't expecting it. It wasn't until towards the end of my trip that I met a man on the hiking trail, and after having a good 15 or 20 minute conversation with him, he told me that I was on a spirit quest (he was a young man from Toronto ... and, by the way, I'm a budding woman of 43). I had no idea, I thought I was just out enjoying the forests of Canada. Anyhow, that was later. On this particular day I woke up very early to get to the hiking spot, Jasmine (my weimaraner) and I set out at between 7 and 8 am on the hiking trail. The forest was covered in dew, absolutely awe inspiring... I could write about that hike and the trail for a long time, but this isn't that story... so, anyhow, while hiking along I was really thinking about life and its meaning and how to live a better life. After hiking for about 3 hours, I came over a little hill and there were 4 people standing there, the first people I had seen all day on the trail. They were standing in front of a bridge, which was my final destination on this hike. The wonderfully happy and conversational canadians, after listening about their travels to get to our destination via boat, they insisted I cross the bridge as they already had from the other side. The walking suspension bridge was high about waterfalls and began bouncing as Jasmine and I got to the center of it. I stopped in the middle to turn and smile and wave at my new canadian friends, and seriously, this may sound corny, but I was just filled with this overwhelming, warm, most peaceful feeling in the world. I had this realization that to live my best life, I need to just be me. I knew that if I was just myself and dropped all of my walls, that everything would be okay.... everything will be okay. Now, no, I was not thinking at this moment of transitioning, it was just the concept that I realized and fully accepted that I am myself and I should live whatever that is.
Of course, like I'm guessing all transgender women (I haven't actually met another one..yet), thoughts, desires, truths of how/who I am, of being a woman had come to me always, I've always like superficial things like perfumes, painting my toenails, womens clothing, etc... However, the above story really kicked into overdrive after I returned home from vacation. I don't know the exact timeline, that first week or two is a blur of extremely rapid thoughts and changes within.. and without. Next thing I knew I had a small wardrobe of skirts, female yoga tops, a blouse, makeup galore, and fake boobs. When I first covered myself in makeup (ugh, now that is going to take more practice than I thought! lol), I stood there in my super cute knee-length checkered skirt and lavender yoga shirt, with painted eyes looking in the mirror. Even after I had the realization that I just have to be me without any walls, there I was looking completely like a girl, and still struggled with admitting to myself that I am a woman. This last month has been an absolute whirlwind of emotions: crying at work (noone saw lol), absolute joy at the realization and the excitement of moving forward, moving back 1 step a few times with moments of deep denial. I think the most hilarious memory that came across me was that I realized, on many, many occassions, I had actually said out loud "oh just pretend I'm a girl" in various manners to other people. It was so unbelievably obvious (I suspect to some others as well that know me) once my walls were down about who and what I am.
I am looking for help. I hope I can find help here. Also, next week I'm meeting with a therapist to assist me in .... in all of this. I'm also looking forward to my first support group meeting. What should I wear? Should I wear a skirt outside for the first time when I go? What should I say? I'm nervous a little bit. I don't know what to expect. My plan is to begin hormone therapy within a few months. How this entire process is "supposed" to be done, I don't know. I only know that, if I can continue to keep these walls down and be me instead of the "me" that is trying to be a man, full of that misplaced testosterone, I know that if I can keep out of my mind societies pressures that I have to be a "man", if I can just be me with no walls, I know everything will be okay, because I have only one person in this world that I want to impress anymore, and that is me, Anita. I've already begun just being me and my life is so much better. I'm allowed to be emotional, I'm allowed to feel, I'm allowed to .... ugh, I'm rambling...but I'm a rambling woman.
I have so many questions! lol.... that is my story
-Anita
