Who am I? What am I?

[In-Sain]

Hi all, This is my first time on a forum that deals with gender issues, but as I'm getting older, I'm 55, I just don't really know, and I suppose I've never really known, who or what I am. I'll start with the fact that I'm a guy and I've spent my whole life hiding behind my male wall, but I also know I'm not 'normal' in a world that still tends to have definate guidelines for normality, and although it appears that things are slowly changing, I really don't know where the hell I fit in. I'm married and have two amazing daughters in thier 20's, and I love my wife, although she has suffered severe depression and bipolar disorder since the birth of our first child, (not the whole time), and basically, we haven't had sex for at least 20 years. I've never cheated on her as I believe in my marriage vows. I know many guys would think I'm crazy for sticking around, but as you'll see in a bit, I have my reasons, and I still love her after just over 30 year of marriage. As I was saying, I'm not sure where I fit in and I've probably known this forever, but I've just pushed it aside and lived my life as a typical guy, doing all your typical guy things and having all your typical guy feelings, yet underneath all that blokiness, I also have a definate feminine side. Not the sort where I want to look more like a woman than I do now, at least as far as my body goes, but I suppose it's more about my emotions, I honestly don't really know, but for a guy I'm a very emotional person and I've always related better to women on an emotional level, which I know isn't strange, and I also have no problems relating to guys, and really I don't know quite how to get this across in a way that makes alot of sense. Maybe a little bit of history might help. When I was a young boy, and I'm going back to 5yrs old and on, I always knew I had really wide hips, I remember looking at them when I was in the bath and as I got a little older I put it down to 'big bones' lol. So at age 8 or 9 I then had to have an operation for un descended testis, and I really don't know why, but when I think back now, to maybe before I was 5, I can almost swear that I may have had some sort of vaginal opening along with a penis, I just don't know, but I could swear I remember feeling something there when I was really young and to tell you the truth, it almost looks as if there's a kind of scar tissue that runs from the underneath of my penis to close to my anus. I still, after all these years, feel like I'm missing something there. I don't know, it's probably just my imagination running wild. Suppose I'll never know and I'm certainly too embarrassed to ask mum. So anyway, to puberty. As I was going through that I developed very sore lumps that felt like cauliflower under my nipples, and before I knew it i had large puffy nipples that to my horror, showed through the tight muscle shirts we wore on the mid to late 70's. I also continued to grow very feminine and quite wide hips and never developed the muscule definition that normal guys do. Needless to say, to this day I have never gotten around topless through sheer embarrassment. On top of all that, it's almost like my penis and testis forgot that they were supposed to grow during puberty and basically, they didn't, so for my whole life I've been stuck with basically pre pubescent sized genitals and just for a bit of icing on the cake, as I got older, I started developing breasts and I must admit, even though I'm terribly ashamed and embarrassed by my body, I've learned to hide it very well and without trying to sound kinky, I really like my man boobs because they have a really nice feminine shape, and my nipples are really, really sensitive to the touch, luckily once they'd developed all those years ago the pain went away. So basically, that's my story, that's me, and I still don't know what I am. I bought my first 3 pack of black lacy G-string underwear the other day and as I'm quite small down there when not erect, although even erect I suppose I'm only 5 1/2- 6 inches, I thought they looked really quite sexy. (I think my wife would be horrified if she found out about this). But now that raises questions in my mind such as am I gay? I don't think so, I've fantasised about that but I don't know if I could actually do it, and I just love the female form and everything about girls. As much as my body has female aspects, my face is anything but, you know, thickish male neck and just a regular mug. So where does that leave me? Am I totally stuffed in the head? And although I'm just really admitting it to myself now, I think I've known for a long, long time that either I should have been born a girl, and at the very least I know now that I wish I was a woman. Nobody else has any idea whatsoever that I feel this way, and I have no idea how to go forward tackling these feelings knowing that there's no way I can act on them without possibly destroying my life. I guess since puberty I've become so good at hiding my feelings, apart from tear jerking movies when nothing I can do will stop me turning into a blithering idiot, that I have no choice but to continue living my life as a lie. It does get me down sometimes, but like so many others, at one end there's a rock and the other there's a hard place. Hard place has become my friend and I'm stuck there. I'm so sorry if I've bored the crap out of anyone that has bothered to read my story all the way through, but apart from here, I really don't know where else to turn to talk to people in similar life situations. Love to you all and thanks for reading my story.

[V M]

Hi In-Sain 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

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Hugs

V M

[Alice V]

Hey!

It sound like you was born and grew up intersexed. Since your question is "who am I", I guess, it's up to you to decide. You came to place where people perform transitions from males to females, from females to males, or remains somewhere in middle, or whatever else can exist. So, just imagine your possibilities - you can be whoever you want, you just need to find out what do you want.

It might be very helpful to talk with gender therapist, they are trained specialists who used to deal with such problems. Though I believe it mostly about exploring yourself, your feelings. You also can check forums, perhaps you'll find something useful here welcome and have fun

[Emma1017]

Hey In-Sain:

I am very new here as well.  I'm 62 and my history parallels a lot of what you have gone through.

The good news is that we are not alone.  I have learned from the experiences on this website that we are part of an incredible group of people who understand what you are going through and are there for you.

I have been trying to process what I am going through and I came up with my top 10 gender dysphoria facts.  I have also added the "11th" based on the support I have gotten here.  I hope it helps:

Ten GD Facts Plus One

1.   It is a biological condition not a mental disorder.
2.   It is not a choice.  It is hardwired before birth and is then buried under layers of male hormones, male socialization, gender programming and personal denial.
3.   The problem is that gender dysphoria does not go away as you get older.  It just gets stronger as those layers begin to wear away and the mental anguish it causes becomes unbearable.
4.   The irony with gender dysphoria is that it appears to worsen in direct proportion to the effort to fight it.
5.   Gender dysphoria makes the individual a social outcast.  Family and friends generally lack the capacity to support, help or understand.  In most instances they do the complete opposite.   
6.   Without an adequate outlet, gender dysphoria is a corrosive, emotional force with limited options.
7.   You spend years not understanding what's wrong with you but you always have a sense shame, discomfort and distress.
8.   On top of everything else, gender dysphoria places the entire weigh of guilt on your shoulders for something you didn't choose.
9.   You spend a lifetime in denial, making it impossible to explain it to your spouse when you finally understand.  If you don't tell you wife, you're a sneak and possibly a liar.  If you do tell you may have selfishly destroyed her life unless her love is stronger and she has the heart of a warrior.
10.   When you finally understand your gender dysphoria, it comes at a time when transitioning will have the greatest personal cost and destroy all that you have accomplished in a lifetime.
11.   Do not give up hope.  Find allies and be patient as you find your own answer.

[Alice V]

I'd say some of this points are quite subjective, but most are true, and most important is last one
You're not alone here. There's a lot of us, spreading across all world, struggling similar battles and provide support we can.

[Northern Star Girl]

@In-Sain
Hello In-Sain:
I see that you were just welcomed here by our lovely member @V M ....
... but please allow me to also give your a warm WELCOME TO SUSAN'S PLACE,

I am glad that you have become a member of Susan's Place and that you have shared your posting with other members here on the Forums.
I am thinking that you may have lots more questions and concerns, this is the right place for you to be to find out what others have done that may have been in your circumstances.
Be aware that there are a lot of members here that can identify with your situation..
 
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others  and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here on the Forums if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....

***It's a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new friends here. 
Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace. 

In her Welcome Message  V M  included Important LINKS that will tell you about Susan's Place.  Included there is information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.   
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.   

Please don't be a stranger, we want to share postings and thoughts with you.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle

[In-Sain]

Hey guys, thank you so, so much for the lovely and understanding replies. I didn't post my story to garner pity, but moreso in the hope that I may find a community with love and understanding rather than hatred or ridicule. Without meaning to sound awful in any way, a transgender group /slash forum is the very last place I ever imagined I would be turning to for help or support. And that's not because I have anything against transgender people, but moreso I feel it's probably because I was bought up in the era when, gay bashing, (of course back then it was P bashing), was considered almost acceptable and police, believe it or not, quite happily went along with it, and God forbid if you were a guy and you didn't act the way you were expected to. I'm sure many of the people here, who like me, were born in the 60's, will know what I'm talking about. But now as the years have gone by and my barriers are being torn down, I have found this wonderful place full of people with the same or similar issues, and I won't say suddenly, more like slowly, I've come to a realisation that it makes total sense for me to search out a transgender group, because like it or not, if I'm going to be honest with myself, I'm transgender. As much as I've probably known it for longer than I think, I really never thought there would come a day where I'd actually admit it. So thanks for the welcome folks. It's late and I had a long day at work, but I'll have more time to explore a I now have four days off. Thanks again. Love to all.

[Emma1017]

Thanks for your input Alice.  I am very new to all this so this list is still very much a work in motion.

I'd say some of this points are quite subjective, but most are true, and most important is last one
You're not alone here. There's a lot of us, spreading across all world, struggling similar battles and provide support we can.

[KathyLauren]

Hi, In-Sain.  A couple of years ago, I could have been the one writing your first post.  I am 63 years old, and, aside from having no kids, my story is very much like yours.

You definitely came to the right place to investigate what is going on and to start to figure out what you want to do about it.  Not everyone needs to transition.  But if you do, know that age is not a barrier to a successful transition.