Becca's FFS with Zukowski 2018

[Becca Kay]

Hi, Becca (Sofia)
Your journey has been brave and I admire your courage as you go through it.  This quote of yours in particular struck me.  I too cannot look in the mirror and feel OK.  I was a really good looking young man, and now I am old, but underneath I know I am still good looking.  In the mirror, all I see is an old man.  My beauty is there but really hidden.

I am having trouble getting the courage to go out as a woman, because I feel in my own mind that I am a parody of womanhood.  From these chats, i know half the people wouldn't care and most of the other half would look weird at me, but not as much as I look at myself and feel I look weird.  (The remainder look weird at everything, man, woman, child, and transgender, so can't worry about them.)

Thank you for bringing this part of your discussion up, since it has allowed me to express my feelings in this area to myself.

Take heart, you look really good, and if you wore your wig and make up, even with today's uneven results you will look great.  Can you post a picture of you now, with your wig and make up?  Sometimes people are their own worst critic and you may be in this case.

Love, EvaB

Don't give up!  Presentation takes time.

To be honest I felt completely comfortable in my presentation prior to FFS.  I got a lot of compliments from friends and cis women, which boosted my confidence.  People didn't even know I wore a wig.  My girlfriend didn't realize I wore a wig until our third date. 

But that underlying feeling, especially when i took off my make up, was too much for me to bear.

I was a pretty good looking guy.  I never had trouble picking up women.  I got hit on all my life by gay men..  LOL.  But I didn't want to be an attractive guy.  This is me a couple of years ago





   

[EvaB]

Hi, Becca,

You were much younger than I plus life has not been good to my body.
Nonetheless, I am not giving up.  I have hope... 
Thanks for the support. 

EvaB

[Sarah1979]

Don't give up!  Presentation takes time.

To be honest I felt completely comfortable in my presentation prior to FFS.  I got a lot of compliments from friends and cis women, which boosted my confidence.  People didn't even know I wore a wig.  My girlfriend didn't realize I wore a wig until our third date. 

But that underlying feeling, especially when i took off my make up, was too much for me to bear.

I was a pretty good looking guy.  I never had trouble picking up women.  I got hit on all my life by gay men..  LOL.  But I didn't want to be an attractive guy.  This is me a couple of years ago





   

You look so sad in that picture.

[Becca Kay]

You look so sad in that picture.

i was always sad.  happiness was an act for me.  a role.  like pretending to be a man. 

I had clinical depression, an anxiety disorder and anorexia for my entire adult life



I am sooo much happier now though

[Sarah1979]

 I'm beginning to think I just need to push my transition to be faster, I would really like to be as happy with mysel as the rest of you are.

[Becca Kay]

FTR I still have an eating disorder and clinical depression.  Transitioning didn't make it go away.  But it has made me happier.

A friend of mine once said that when she transitioned she traded one set of problems for another.  I agree with her completely now.  In many ways my life is harder now.  I have lost male privilege.  I live with a type of fear for my safety that I never experienced before.  Healthcare is more difficult.... etc. etc. 

But at least I am living my true life. 

[Sarah1979]

FTR I still have an eating disorder and clinical depression.  Transitioning didn't make it go away.  But it has made me happier.

A friend of mine once said that when she transitioned she traded one set of problems for another.  I agree with her completely now.  In many ways my life is harder now.  I have lost male privilege.  I live with a type of fear for my safety that I never experienced before.  Healthcare is more difficult.... etc. etc. 

But at least I am living my true life.

I would trade my current inability to look in the mirror without crying for just about anything.

Hugs

Sarah

[Becca Kay]

quick update.  17 days post op

my energy levels are much better than a week ago.  But over the past few days i've noticed that I have "normal" energy levels for about 2 hours and then I'm done for the day. 

Not seeing much difference in the coloration of my skin, bruising, etc. It's improving so slowly that I can't really notice it day to day. 

there a couple of things that worry me, though.

The incision under my nose is ugly.  It didn't just heal together neatly since I had my dressing removed about 2 weeks ago.  IT's very visible and I have little cotton sutures slowly creeping out of it. And the edges of the healing incision are slightly rough.  I worry that I"m going to end up with a very very noticeable scar.

my mouth is crooked.  It looks like the left side of my mouth is limp.   You can see it in the pics I posted a few days ago.  The muscle and nerve functionality is even on both sides of my face.  My upper lip on the left side curls under a bit.  A week ago i was so swollen that I didn't think anything of it.  But it hasn't really improved since I left Chicago.   the pic on the left is from 4 days ago.  the one on the right is from today



My nose it not quite symmetrical.  One side seems more swollen than the other.  Not quite so worried about this yet, as rhinoplasty takes a long time to totally heal.  However, the tissue just inside both of my nostrils is really rough and ugly and very visible to anybody who's face to face with me.

Here's a pic of me on a short trip out of the house today.  tiny bit of concealer on my upper lip and nose.  little bit of mascara and some eyebrow pencil

[Sarah1979]

I'm not an expert, but from what I've read about ffs, even 17 days isn't enough time to judge the swelling.

[Michelle_P]

Hi, Becca!

I'm about 4 weeks ahead of you.  My asymmetric swelling on my nose is almost gone at 6 weeks, and the sutures and rough spots inside the nostrils have mostly faded.  The incision line below the nose spat a couple bits of sutures last week near the corners, but is now settling down and the rough areas are fading.  It is barely visible at this point.  There are still some discolored areas on the cheeks right below the eyes, but between BB cream sunblock and my undereye 'serum' concealer these are barely noticible.

I just lost the last of the 'dissolvable' sutures in my mouth this afternoon. 

Feeling is starting to return on my chin and a little bit on the forehead, and my smile is more even.  Both eyebrows move, although the left one moves more, so I sometimes get that quizzical "Mr. Spock" look.  My nose is crooked, favoring one side slightly, but it is the exact same 'crooked' I had before surgery, just with a cuter little nose with an upturned tip!

From folks who went through this before me with the same doctor, I know things won't be really settling down til at least 3 months postop, and a few changes and bit of healing will happen out past a year post-op.  It is another test of patience.

[Becca Kay]

Hi, Becca!

I'm about 4 weeks ahead of you.  My asymmetric swelling on my nose is almost gone at 6 weeks, and the sutures and rough spots inside the nostrils have mostly faded.  The incision line below the nose spat a couple bits of sutures last week near the corners, but is now settling down and the rough areas are fading.  It is barely visible at this point.  There are still some discolored areas on the cheeks right below the eyes, but between BB cream sunblock and my undereye 'serum' concealer these are barely noticible.

I just lost the last of the 'dissolvable' sutures in my mouth this afternoon. 

Feeling is starting to return on my chin and a little bit on the forehead, and my smile is more even.  Both eyebrows move, although the left one moves more, so I sometimes get that quizzical "Mr. Spock" look.  My nose is crooked, favoring one side slightly, but it is the exact same 'crooked' I had before surgery, just with a cuter little nose with an upturned tip!

From folks who went through this before me with the same doctor, I know things won't be really settling down til at least 3 months postop, and a few changes and bit of healing will happen out past a year post-op.  It is another test of patience.

thanks for these comments!  helps calm my anxiety   

[jkredman]

Even swollen you look great!!!!
Kate


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[JudiBlueEyes]

FTR I still have an eating disorder and clinical depression.  Transitioning didn't make it go away.  But it has made me happier.

A friend of mine once said that when she transitioned she traded one set of problems for another.  I agree with her completely now. In many ways my life is harder now.  I have lost male privilege.  I live with a type of fear for my safety that I never experienced before.  Healthcare is more difficult.... etc. etc. 

But at least I am living my true life.

I have this same understanding.  I do think the problems I face now can be dealt with and that alone has made me happier.  And I now like who I am.   I never really experienced much male privilege but whatever it was is gone and I do have more concerns for safety than I ever did.   Welcome to the world of women. 

I think Michelle's commentary is invaluable.  Healing is a time consuming process and of course we all want you to be settled in and beautiful.  You are certainly moving in that direction.  I can see the changes from your last photo.
Judi   

[Becca Kay]

Went out for brunch today with another "Z Girl" who lives here in the DC metro area.

full make up for the first time

[Sarah1979]

Looking good

Hugs

Sarah

[Donica]

You are looking very good Becca. I love your bandana. As Michelle stated, there will be healing and changes for about a year. It seems to be the norm for GCS full recovery time. Hang in there girl.

Donica.

[EvaB]

You look great!   

[Donica]

You are looking very good Becca. I love your bandana. As Michelle stated, there will be healing and changes for about a year. It seems to be the norm for GCS full recovery time. Hang in there girl.

Donica.

Oops! Sorry!
I mean, "It seems to be the norm for FFS and GCS full recovery time."

[Becca Kay]

Today is exactly 3 weeks post op.  More of the same day to day.

I'm continuing to feel more myself energy wise each day.  Bruising on my face is still very visible, especially on the left side. 

thinking about how recovery has gone I have to say that the worst part of it immediately after and these past two weeks has been the after effects of the jaw bone reduction and the massetter muscle reduction. 

I still can't open my mouth all the way.  I'd guess at this point i can open it somewhere between 50 to 70% of normal. I need to practice throughout the day every day opening my mouth as far as possible. The jaw muscles are very swollen and visibly so when I look at myself.  I'm really really hoping that 6 months from now when the swelling is all gone it has helped make the back line of my jaw look smaller, more narrow

I've been told that the swelling from that part of the surgery, combined with the neck lift is going to persist the longest. 

my nose is looking a little wanky.  my nostrils seem to be morphing into two different shapes.  LOL. And I have a pig nose look right now.  It's likely that swelling from the rhinoplasty will take a until the later part of next year to settle down. 

my adams apple appears to be rather visible, most of that bump is swelling or scaring under the skin. If I force my adams apple up, like when I talk in my current high pitch, the little bump stays there. I'm hoping that it continues to shrink.  The day after the surgery it was swollen to the size of a baseball

There is still an ugly unevenness on the left side of my mouth.  It seems slightly better than last week, but I'm not sure if it's that or i'm used to looking at it.

this is very very unflattering.  But here are three pics.  11 days, 14 days and 21 days post op

[scrambledeggs]

Hi Becca!


Looking great! Thanks so much for sharing your photos and experience!

I have a consult with Dr Z coming up in a few weeks. Do you know how far he was able to advance your scalp? Was there any option to get hair transplants before surgery? And it's hard to tell from the pictures but it looks like they couldn't advance it as far on the sides. Is that true?

Anyway I'm super hyped now because I think we have similar foreheads and your results look amazing! Can't wait to see you when you're all healed!