A practice letter to Mom

[Danielle Kristina]

My therapist had me write a coming out letter to my mom in my journal.  Even though I won't send it, the letter served as a great tool to sort out what I want to say to her when I do come out to her.  She is still not very accepting of my transgender sister, so in regards to my coming out, I already know how she'll react.  I know I'll always be loved and I will always be family no matter what, just as my transgender sister is still loved, but I don't come from a family that understands trans people.  Writing the letter did allow me to get some of the pressure of coming out to my parent off my chest.  I told her in my letter that I'm sorry that she is losing another son, but that I'm still me.  I told her that I never wanted to be trans, but I am and that's the way it is; I just can't hide it any longer.

Of course, this letter was just for me.  I have not yet come out to her.  I did however figure at least some of what I want to say for when the time comes.  I know I'll have to come out to her eventually.  I'm planning on starting HRT in September, and while I know HRT is YMMV, there will be noticeable changes that will eventually become obvious to others and the "cat will be out of the bag" whether I've come out or not.  Out or not, I'm going to take HRT soon.  I can't deny who I am anymore, at least not to myself.  Still, sooner or later my secret will be exposed and I'll be out of the closet whether I come out or not.


Danielle

[Faith]

closet doors fall off at the darndest times, best to be prepared.

[Northern Star Girl]

@Danielle Kristina
Dear Danielle:
Coming out is usually a very difficult experience no matter who we come out to, but certainly coming out to your our own parents and immediate family .... and/or to a spouse and offspring....  can be a very, very emotionally difficult experience.

Remember, as in your case as a MTF, your parents raised you as their son....   or in the case of a spouse, they fell in love with and married a man .....   so in those cases it is certainly a gauntlet that is filled with all kinds of emotions.
You don't have to read too many other member's threads and posts on the Forums to know that this is very true.

I am glad that your therapist has you doing things like you described. 
I am wishing your well, and when the time seems right I trust that you will have the right words and your parents will have the right attitude toward your transition decision. 
Of course when you do finally start HRT and the body changes start appearing and eventually may become difficult to hide, then you know for sure that the time is coming for your announcement.

The good news is that when we finally do come out, even if our loved ones do not overwhelmingly accept us, it is like a big and heavy weight has been lifted off of our shoulders.... we no longer have that secret about ourselves that we have kept inside for so long because of the fear of what others may think. 

If you feel so led, please keep your updates coming about this and other important life matters.
Hugs and well wishes as always,
Danielle (the Alaskan one)

[DawnOday]

Danielle...I found this letter when I first came to Susan's. It is from Eric a FTM transitioner but much of the information in the letter applies no matter the sex. I hope it helps. https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,104243.msg780226.html#msg780226

[Danielle Kristina]

Danielle...I found this letter when I first came to Susan's. It is from Eric a FTM transitioner but much of the information in the letter applies no matter the sex. I hope it helps. https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,104243.msg780226.html#msg780226

Dawn,

Thank you so much for the letter!  It has a lot of what I need to say to my mother.  I believe coming out to her will be by far the most difficult.  She won't disown me or anything, but she will be upset.  I don't know when I will come out, but it is going to happen at some point.  I'm well past deciding whether to transition or not, and so I'll have to tell her sooner or later.  I guess I'm just trying to find the right words.


Danielle

[Colleen_definitely]

Well the good news is that she can't react any worse than my parents did.

Working on practice letters is a great idea in my opinion. This whole situation stinks with the way society is nowadays but getting all of this out on paper (or in electronic form) really is helpful. Well it was for me anyway. Don't be afraid to edit the hell out of it and definitely don't try to overload her. My first draft letter to my dad was something like ten pages, the one he got was more like two.

Hopefully your mother is less oblivious and more accepting than my dad  And I wish your luck in coming out. It's going to happen eventually and hopefully it will be one of the smooth ones.

[Danielle Kristina]

Well, I stopped by Mom's yesterday.  We talked about my transgender sister and Mom gave me another ear full about her embarrassment of having a transgender child, how she doesn't understand how my sister is a "girl who looks like a guy."  Mom doesn't know that I'm transgender too, nor does my trans sister for that matter.  Anyway, as much as I want to stop hiding, as much as I want to live as my true self, as much as I know I'll be "out" eventually, yesterday's conversation with her made me that much more hesitant to come out to her.  I can't bear to lose her.

I won't be disowned.  I'll always be her child.  Still, having heard all of her transphobic beliefs and negative remarks regarding my soster's gender identity, I can't help but think I will lose the relationship I have with my mother.  She and I are very close and have a great bond.  I'm her first born and have overcome huge obstacles in my life.  For these things she holds me in high regards.  I'm afraid I'll lose her and her respect.  This is just me jumping another hurdle of fear on my transition path.


Danielle

[Northern Star Girl]

Well, I stopped by Mom's yesterday.  We talked about my transgender sister and Mom gave me another ear full about her embarrassment of having a transgender child, how she doesn't understand how my sister is a "girl who looks like a guy."  Mom doesn't know that I'm transgender too, nor does my trans sister for that matter.  Anyway, as much as I want to stop hiding, as much as I want to live as my true self, as much as I know I'll be "out" eventually, yesterday's conversation with her made me that much more hesitant to come out to her.  I can't bear to lose her.

I won't be disowned.  I'll always be her child.  Still, having heard all of her transphobic beliefs and negative remarks regarding my soster's gender identity, I can't help but think I will lose the relationship I have with my mother.  She and I are very close and have a great bond.  I'm her first born and have overcome huge obstacles in my life.  For these things she holds me in high regards.  I'm afraid I'll lose her and her respect.  This is just me jumping another hurdle of fear on my transition path.

Danielle

@Danielle Kristina
Dear Danielle:
You are not alone with what is going on with your mother.   I have been transitioning for 4 years and have been living Full-time for almost 2 years....   still to this day my mom and my dad will hardly speak to me.   I am a total embarrassment to them.... aside from a business opportunity for myself, most certainly all of that emotional stuff and non-acceptance from my parents and also old friends back home was certainly a catalyst for me relocating so far away and starting anew.   

Now, what is important here, is that as you stated, I am always their child and they will always be my parents and for that I feel that for myself that I must respect them as such....  I have never given up on attempting to contact them and to let them know that I love them....  I am very tenacious about that and I will continue in my efforts with them even if they never so accept me.

I defintiely feel your pain.
Hugs and hugs and more hugs,
Danielle (the Alaskan one)