Hello fellow sufferers (heh). I'd like to thank beforehand anybody who has the courage to read through this essay and hopefully reply.
Writing again after some time in the forum, but not for the reasons you might think. I've been battling with the TG beast for a long time. I've tried to continue my PhD but it seems I'm going to be the only one to drop out after 5+ years struggling (stupid I know).Due to stress and bad conditions in the lab I've made numerous mistakes. Every few months I've had this urge to drop everything and say "eff it I quit*. Still, for various reasons I didn't. It's not to say I hate my PhD or my science, rather I hate the situation I've gotten trapped myself in. So now I'm almost 40 and have never worked (outside of academia). To top it of, the PhD I enrolled myself in is unfunded.
Now, let's go to a more serious issue. As I've written before, my aging parents are unsupportive on the TG matter and their health condition has worsened a lot presumably due to worrying about me.
Due to constant stress (balding, not having any money, unable to transition, the gender psychiatrist I went 2 years ago not really helping me etc) I've unfortunately developed health problems myself (I would never have thought things could go downhill so fast). The past two years I've had skin problems (constant now) breaking and brittle nails and most important of all, rapid muscle loss and fat gain. Also, I'm tired all day and wake up early and tired despite sleeping. I'm literary getting worse every day. I've gone to my regular doctor who found " nothing wrong ", another doctor who still didn't know what to do and to a endocrinologist who said I'm " fine " and just need to rest and eat well. The endo tested morning serum cortisol (not 24h saliva test), t4, tsh, TG & TPO antibodies, fsh, lh, prl, morning atch, testosterone and he found them " normal and within limits ".Ofcouse this made me even more depressed. I asked him if I should do a saliva 24h cortisol test but he denied saying I don't need it. I'm very weak now. I must have lost 8 kg of muscle and replaced some of it with fat. A week ago I had a shin splint on my right leg after trying to walk briskly for 1 km. Right now I can't even walk.
Sorry for painting such a bleak picture but I feel like I'm going to die (I don't want to but I'm afraid of it). I haven't been able to laugh or cry (especially the later) for years despite feeling like it and wanting to.
In hindsight I know I should have quit my PhD long ago but I couldn't bring myself to. Now it seems I will have to after wasting the best years of my life. Half my 20s and all my 30s down the drain.
Today I'm going to a psychiatrist (not gender related ) to see if he can help me. I don't know what to do about my health issues. My parents, who are paying for all this (facepalm) say things (actually my mother does) like since I know more than doctors I don't need them or that if should study medicine.... (Hah ha ha).
I feel I need to go to another endo. Somehow I doubt that just by taking antidepressants (maybe I'll start today after I go to the psychiatrist) will fix my health problems
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Any suggestions wholeheartedly welcome!!