Hey, we're humans, it's ok for us to making mistakes. What you need to learn is how to forgive yourself for all that
>-bleeped-< and keep moving. You know, I like determinism theory, which shortly means some kind of destiny. You really have no choice, every your desire dictated by your state, state of your system. So you just have to forgive yourself and think how to move forth withouth this mistakes. I mean, you still have no choice but you gained experience and it shapes your next move
I'm bad advisor, honestly, put aside I'm not well awared about your situation. And I won't stop you from anything. Just one thing: if you can survive this, you may change something drastically or something may change even without your involvement; kill yourself and you'll just die. You have to decide if you can bear this life or not. I mean, try to be rational. Objectively, can you fulfill your physical need such hunger or thirst or roof above your head? In same way, objectively, can you cope mental pressure with something? What can you do to fix things you can't sustain? Try to keep your emotions at bay for some time and make a strategy. If you'll see that you won't win anything - well, it sucks. But If you'll find your way to survive, you can overcome this.
For me, defensive mechanism was anger and indifference. I learned how to ignor annoying factors or how to stand against it if I'll fail to ignore. For you it can be something completely different. Try to find your ground. Think about what can give you strength. Be smart.
