I'm at a point in my life where things feel particularly challenging, new, and terrifying. A lot of my anxiety and depression have been tied in to my gender identity for virtually all my life. I've started my transition not too long ago, and even though it feels a lot of my issues have to do with how I'm not accepting the process and the fact that I'm basically having my puberty at 30 because of hormonal therapy (aka getting shots of testosterone once a week), it's also about rage issues, general cynicism, and loneliness.
For 2-3 years I'd been giving myself that chance to get into this sport I'm really passionate about. I invested my entire self into it; my money, my time, my energy. I had plans to move to the US from Canada to pursue that passion, and move to the US with my fiancé. We were both going after this same goal. However, I've been swept up into the business aspect of the sport with people that were thoroughly bat
>-bleeped-< and that used me and this passion I have for it, in ways that literally messed with my mental health while I was in that particular sports team. I still tried to join another team a little while after, only to realize that I was dealing with self-worth issues, continued alienation, and the impression that I couldn't let anyone in after what happened (let alone trust them - so I left). I'd been the rock everybody leaned on for too long, pressuring myself to always be available for others, almost forgetting myself and my transition and letting others guilt me when my personal obligations took up too much of my energy for me to be present for the sport or the business I was helping those guys rebuild (it had fallen apart thanks to a huge feud between two men, that the business owner was trying to get over; I'd be on the phone listening to his stories and letting him vent on me every night; out of passion for the business, and because I once thought this man was my friend; actually almost a father figure to me).
That second team I'd joined were also building their business from the ground up at the time I was there. They listened to some of my ideas but executed them without me - when I'd ask them if they needed help, I'd be tossed aside and told it wasn't needed. They wanted me to focus on the sport, and not on being a manager; however I'd gotten so used to that role, I felt belittled. They started increasing the pricings for me to continue training with them and I couldn't afford to stay.
Once I discovered how much anger and distrust I was starting to feel just being around memories of the sport, I abruptly decided to quit. Before each practice I wanted to tear people's heads off, I'd get so aggressive I'd physically feel it build inside of me. Being away from that world has made me sort of a loner, someone that's not only transitioning and becoming themselves for the first time in their lives but also having to reinvent themselves. This sport was my every thought, my every investment, the reason I ever planned anything. Now that it's gone, I'm working on other passions, but struggling to let anyone else help me push them. Out of a fear of being backstabbed, a fear of rejection, of judgement, or maybe not trusting myself to remember my own needs past the pressures I put on myself to succeed. I got really passionate about racing, and I know ways I could pursue it and get properly coached, but my anxieties are holding me back.
I'm at a point in my life where I feel like the depression is choking me. This whole situation has made me feel sick when it comes to people in general. I've been staying in a lot. Working out only at home, avoiding the gym because it reminds me of my old sport and the whole locker room vibe is killing me at the moment. Noticing ''friends'' I had in the business are not talking to me anymore because I decided to quit (people that meant a LOT to me). Writing emails to the school I wanted to go to asking them for advice, getting ignored and feeling like they're probably thinking I'm a freak that needs to be locked up in a mental ward. I work from home so I schedule as many shifts as possible so I don't get too lost in thought. I feel like I'm on standby waiting for some sort of general revelation about what to do next, yet the harder I think, the less I know what to do.
Anyone else relating to a situation like this one, where you feel like you're starting from zero and you're so scared you can't breathe? I want to allow myself to discover the new passions I have and that I'd neglected from sacrificing anything for that other sport. It's just so hard letting people in with all the dysphoria and the self-doubt creeping in. On some days I manage to ''turn the switch off'' but on others it feels like everything is at a standstill. I'd appreciate advice for those scarier moments. Thank you
