A Bad Dream (Maybe?)

[FaithlessTheologian]

So I have a history of strange dreams, particularly very lucid nightmares. Frequently these end up involving my dysphoria in some manifestation and I bring this up because I had one such dream last night.

I had a dream that I was confronted by a rather headstrong young woman. I distinctly remember her wearing a red sweater and jeans (dunno why that stood out but okay). I engaged with her in a relatively normal way as if she were a stranger, but then some sort of odd feeling crept in. I began to notice features on her face, sharp dark brown eyes, an animated manner of speaking and gesturing. They felt familiar.

Finally, I asked, "Are you me?"
She replied simply "No, are you me?"

I then felt an exceptional degree of anger towards the woman. I felt antagonized by her very presence and sullenly I looked her over. This rancor was then joined by a pervading sense of envy. The kind that made my brain feel as if in a vice, and my chest smoldered with a certain uncanny flutter.

"I admire you" I said to her. I do not know if she ever replied and I shortly woke up after.

Simple as the dream is, these encounters in my dreams pervert my day with an ever-present sense of nervousness. They bring to the forefront my dysphoria, and i become confused. I obsess over it until I burn out eventually over hours or days.

What is more confusing is for the past week or so I have been in a rather neutral position regarding my identity, showcasing just how erratic my sense of self is.

In truth I do not know what is going on in my head anymore, I seem caught between two worlds, between two souls. I cant seem to please either.

[Katy]

FT, I don't have a clue as to whether this dream has significance or not.  Personally I tend to be dismissive of one-off dreams.  Reoccurring or persistent dreams probably deserve a greater degree of thought.  However, a trained clinician might disagree with that conclusion.  I really don't know. 

When you speak about an "erratic sense of self" I am on more familiar ground.  This is a common occurrence in my life.  I wish I could pass along to you the pink pill that would put an end to this indecisiveness regarding self-identity, but as far as I have been able to discover there simply isn't a quick fix for this.  The ancients commended the notion to "Know thyself" but it is far easier to say the words than to actually do it, or perhaps more accurately to not only know who you are but also to be convinced that one has it right.  Sometimes all we can do is just muddle along as best we can.

All the best,

Katy (A Muddler)

[KathyLauren]

I am useless at interpreting dreams.  I seldom remember mine, and none of them make a lot of sense.

The confused sense of self, I can relate to.  I imagine most of us can.  We all have to face the question of which is more real, the fully-functional but ultimately false identity that we project to the public, or the dormant identity that we long for but have never used. 

Perhaps even asking which one is real is the wrong question.  A better question might be which one will make us happy?

[Alice (nym)]

I was talking about dreams not so long ago. I have very vivid dreams. I never thought about them too much until I was making a joke about having a mermaid dream... I used to have them a lot as a child but not had any since puberty and the person I was talking to mentioned that those dreams are common among trans people.

It got me thinking about the types of dream I have. A lot of the time I am viewing as an invisible outsider events, spiders are a re-occurring feature of my dreams... either thousands of house spiders or huge giant spiders. But almost all of my first person dreams I am female... and I never realised until I thought more about it, nearly all the themes involve a hidden identity. I am a female spy, a female serial killer, a female revolutionary... something that involves keeping my true identity a secret. I was actually really shocked when the dots joined together because I had never realised and it was so obvious. I had just enjoyed the dreams because I was female, the hidden identity bit never occurred to me.

So I didn't have the mermaid dream, instead I had a wonderful dream... I was very similar to your own. I was in a hotel room, two beds. One bed had two young ladies who were clearly a couple. They argued and one stormed out of the room. The other climbed into bed with me and started getting all frisky with me. I couldn't respond to her admiration and I was trying to tell her why but couldn't speak and she couldn't speak either. So I got up and went to the computer and I had an urge to show her something about a trip to Disneyland but as I switched the computer on, I saw in the reflection of the screen that I was that woman. She was me. The surprise woke me up laughing. I was gutted that I didn't get to explore that dream more.

So now I am paying a lot more attention to my dreams. I think there is something in them. They are expressing our inner selves. Perhaps it is a coping mechanism in that we struggle to reflect ourselves in the real world and hence our mind seeks relief through our dreams. Assuming that this kind of dream or similar is had by most of us, it would be interesting to hear if anyone who is now openly living as a woman still has this kind of dream.

For my own dream, the other woman leaving probably represents my wife. The rest is because this is something I've been dealing with here recently. Acceptance of who I am. Why Disney, I have no idea. The reason I couldn't speak is because I am still dealing with the inability to talk to people openly about who I am and how I feel. Don't focus on the details but the over-arching themes of the dream and connecting the dots to what is happening in your life becomes a lot clearer.