Help me understand

[Loopyem]

Hi everyone I'm loopyem I'll get right into it I'm a straight female and my husband has recently told me he's transgender and I'm not coping please help

[Kirsteneklund7]

Hi Loopyem,
                      I think you will have the official welcome very soon. I would gladly offer any support or life experience that might help. I am married to a straight cis woman and I am trans.
 
So good to see a wife on the forum,
  Kindest regards, Kirsten.

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

[LizK]

Hi everyone I'm loopyem I'll get right into it I'm a straight female and my husband has recently told me he's transgender and I'm not coping please help

Hi Loopyyem

You found a good place of support. Transgender encompasses a wide range of people. Some here choose to crossdress and are happy enough with this expression...some have no real fixed gender and are fluid in their way they may present themselves...as either gender or any number of mixtures of both...there are some who require hormones and surgery in a combination again of one or both..these are a couple of small examples of those who maybe considered Transgender. Much depends for many on whether they have to deal with Gender Dysphoria. This can manifest itself in many different ways and quite often in excessively types of behaviour.

I am not a professional and suggest you seek professional advice for both of you. I have barely scratched the service when talking about being transgender and maybe if there is something more specific you really want to know please ask and if I don't know someone else probably will, I may be able to point you in the direction of some information that will help you cope a bit better and alleviate some of your fears.

Take care
Liz

[Autrement]

Hi Loppyem,

Welcome on this forum.
I am 53, married with 4 children, and I accepted myself having a gender dysphoria in 2015, with an official diagnosis. It is not a choice, it is. A medical condition, as scientific research prove it better now.
I found a balance to stay with my wife: I take hormones since 3 years, this helps me mentally a lot, but I still present as male at home and at work. I sometimes cross-dress but not when my wife is around as she is not ready to it yet.

I wish you courage as it is never easy to go through such an experience, but live scan be stronger.

Pascale

[steph2.0]

Hello Loopyem,

You've come to the right place to look for answers. We have a wonderfully understanding and helpful community here. Being the transgender part of a relationship, I can't know what you're feeling now, but I have read what others in your situation are going through, and know it's painful. I recommend first, as others have, finding a good therapist - one who understands gender issues - who can give you guidance. Second, introduce yourself in the Significant Others forum here:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,26.0.html

That's the place where you'll find others who've come here both seeking help, and to help others.

As an official greeter here, it's my job to introduce you to the guidelines of our site. I know you're not likely to be in a mood to read a bunch of regulations, but they're spelled out pretty clearly, and will answer questions you might have about how to use the forums.

Thank you for being here. We're all ready to help.

Stephanie

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[Sylvia]

Welcome from me too, as another SO. I can honestly say that this is the most difficult thing I've ever had to cope with, so I do understand how you are feeling.
My partner is now 4 months into hormones, but still presents male (more androgynous) and doesn't plan to come out socially.
The only things I can suggest are:
Therapy - if you can find a good therapist and can afford it - for both of you
Communication - talking to each other is essential
Honesty - you both need to be honest about everything. Don't feel guilty if you find it hard to be supportive, if you are angry, in denial or just downright heartbroken. He too needs to be honest with you about what he wants. Lack of trust and secrecy almost ruined our relationship.
Take it slow - that goes mostly for your partner. Rushing into dresses and wigs overnight is not the best way to keep your wife on board. Try and encourage him to take things as slowly as he can, and to go through everything with you before making any decisions.
Compromise - it may be impossible, depending on how bad his dysphoria is, but can he only go as far as you can cope with? At least in the early days. In our case, my partner shaves his body, wears female underwear, a bit of subtle make up, earrings etc but really nothing too drastic. He won't have surgery, and is on low dose estrogen only - no androgen blockers.

It is hard and I cry all the time, grieving for the future I thought I was going to have and the man I thought I loved, but a year down the line, I'm still here, we are closer than we've ever been, and both feel that our relationship and family life are the most important things.

Good luck

Syl xx

[Northern Star Girl]

Hi everyone I'm loopyem I'll get right into it I'm a straight female and my husband has recently told me he's transgender and I'm not coping please help

@Loopyem
Dear Loopeyem:
Thank you for coming and writing your interesting posting.... your are always welcome here.  Many of our members will now be aware of your arrival to the Forums and will be able to share with you and you with them regarding your questions and comments.

I see that you have already been Officially Welcomed to Susan's Place
by our lovely member  @Steph2.0 ...

Please allow me to also give your a warm Welcome to Susan's Place.
I am thinking that you may have lots more questions and concerns, this is the right place for you to be to find out what others have done that may have been in your circumstances.
Be aware that there are a lot of members here that can identify with your situation..
 
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others  and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here on the Forums if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....

***It's a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new friends here. 
Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace. 

In her Welcome Message  Stephanie  included Important LINKS that will tell you about Susan's Place.  Included there is information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.   
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.   

Please don't be a stranger, we want to share postings and thoughts with you.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle

[Carolina]

Oh my dear, dear L.

  How very difficult it is for you.  You have the love and sympathy of all of us here at Susan's.

  I guess it comes down to relationships and what they mean for each of you.  I mean there are All Sorts Of Relationships out there.  And ALL relationships shift and twist over time.  You're just going through a sort of rodeo brahama bull ride which is understandably throwing you all over the place.  When there's a moment of calm, think about whether the relationship is worth finishing out the ride or if you just need to get off with as little broken dreams as possible.  And that's also a question worth being seriously talked about with your husband (who's also getting his separate rodeo brahama bull ride).

  And Sylvia has good advise from experience, including that a good therapist can help both of you.  I think that you'll find other good advise in the "wives" thread of the Forum.

  Then, if you both survive the ride you'll find your relationship stronger than it began.  If not, I believe that it is best to try as hard as you can to part as friends who understand that things have changed over time.  You were friends once upon a time.  Remember?
 
  So love and sympathy.  I do hope things work out good for both of you.

      Carolina

 





 

 
     

[Jacqueline]

Hi and welcome to the site.

It is not easy. I am sorry for your challenge.

My wife have been taking it one day at a time for about three years. She told me she was not lesbian. However, she loves me waving her hands up and down my body. not this. the one thing that seems to help is communication. Keep talking and listening. Ask more questions as they come up.

I plan to move this topic into the SO category.

Warmly,
Jacqui

[Kirsteneklund7]

Hi everyone I'm loopyem I'll get right into it I'm a straight female and my husband has recently told me he's transgender and I'm not coping please help

Hi again Loopyem,

  I know its a big shock. Wives have enough to deal with in the marriage responsibilities without trans issues thrown on top. The fact that your husband is actually bringing up the issue instead of hiding it until breaking point is potentially a good start.

  Traditionally very few couples stayed together after the transgender issue was raised - but now many couples successfully prevail. It isn't always bad at all.

Its natural to feel things like shock, confusion, anger, deceived, let down, what has my marriage been all this time ? Also the concern that the integrity of the family has been compromised. The feeling of what does the future hold is there any hope ?

  I believe there is much hope and the future can be very bright. I can only offer what my wife and I discovered & and I think others on the forum have had marriage/ relationship successes.

After the trans issue has been revealed - its time for wife and husband to just stop. Time to absorb & consider things before doing anything.

  Talking and discussing and unloading emotions and anger. Then working out the way forward can begin.

  My wife and I both visited psychologists together - trans & non trans specialists.

Scenarios can be from full transition to nothing except private discussion & acceptance.

Your husband probably loves you very much and doesn't want to lose you.

  Like many, I personally didn't want to be trans and tried to solve the issues in a non-life upsetting manner. In the end I had to deal with being trans - it became more intense in my 40's. I was lucky I could talk to my wife - I love her & dont want to lose her.

For me this means I had therapy, I regularly cross dress to relieve the angst of being trans, I'm also on full HRT. I haven't transitioned, I look like a normal husband day to day. I go to work, present male, raise 2 boys 8 & 10 years old.  We have an agreement I dont dress in public. My trans issues are essentially private.
My wife and family are the most important things in my life, but I had to deal with being trans- depression, drinking too much and suicidal thoughts are now a couple of years in the past. Doing nothing would have destroyed me.

We are still together as dedicated parents, we talk, go on holiday as a family & both much happier. I respect her limits on how much femininity I put out there.

PS  I truly wish more wives were here on the forum - they hold the biggest significance when one deals with being trans.

With Kindest regards,
                                  Kirsten.

[Carolina]

Wisdom from Experience, Kirsten.  Its good to hear from those who have worked to save a relationship when it is threatened by tremendous change.  Your life provides hope.

    Caroline

[Faith]

I've looked in this thread a bunch of times. Each time I don't post. I don't know where to start. I know that once I start typing it'll end up being a book. There are so many things, some small, some big, some huge, that we deal with as a couple. I went for full unabridged honest communication no matter what it made me look like. I kept at her (my wife) until she did the same (didn't take much really, dam broke ).

You have to say things with potential to hurt feelings, they have to get out into the open. How you say it is everything. Never discuss in anger or get angry at what is shared. The point is to hear it, absorb it, let your mind work on it and try to fine a balance.

I came out to my wife almost a year ago, I didn't even have answers for me at that point. We learned the answers together. My transition was also hers, a shared experience.

Do we still have hurdles and struggles, yes. We are all the better for it at this time. Tomorrow may change, may get worse, may get better. That's true of life in any relationship.

My wife is on here as DiLoris (Lori). She's new to the forum. I finally got her to sign up instead of reading over my shoulder.

I'll leave it at that before my thoughts go all haywire (well, more so)

Faith

[Moonflower]

Hi Loopyem. I, too, am a straight female. My husband told me that he was transgender around 15 years ago. We haven't always coped well with it, but we're being inspired by Susans.org. I hope that you have been reading threads here that might help you cope. Wanting to cope well with a challenge is a necessary step to coping well.

Our most constructive conversations might be about what we believe, why we might believe that, and whether we want to update the belief. I wonder if you and your husband do this.

[Carolina]

Wisdom, Moonflower.  Communication (not just talking) is so very, very important. 

  Carolina

[Lantana]

Hi, LoopyEm.  This is my first post on this site.  My wisdom comes from all of 10 weeks of knowing my husband wants to transition, so in short, I don't know much.  I'm still in the grieving stage and spend a lot of time crying.  The hardest for me is when yet another package of clothing is delivered.  I dread seeing him wearing them, but know that will happen.  I have shared the news with friends who are exclusively *my* friends, not our couple friends.  They have been a great source of support and even know of resources of which I had never heard.  We are lucky to have a great therapist who is very knowledgeable about this "stuff" and is able to help us process the changes and communicate with each other.  If you can find someone like that, I know it would help and is well worth the time and expense.  I think it has been important to learn the vocabulary, e.g., cis, transition, etc., because it makes it easier to communicate.  We have done pretty well with the communication piece.  He seems like a happier person since he came out.  Last week, I learned that he wants the surgeries, and I am having a very hard time imagining him in a different body.  Intellectually, I know it will still be him, but, and god forgive me, it totally grosses me out.  My peeps all want to know what I am going to do, but I have no idea.  It feels like it is an evolving kind of thing and I don't really know where this is going.  And this is not easy for a control freak like me.  I think that I'll be more sure in a year or so.  If this post is disjointed, that's kind of how it is these days.  I truly feel for you and hope you are doing better at keeping it together than me.

[V M]

Hi Lantana 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

How about stopping by our Introductions Forum and introducing yourself so more folks can get to know you a bit better 

Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that we offer to all new members to help them along

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Hugs

V M

[Moonflower]

Hi Lantana! I'm impressed by how much progress you gave made in just 10 weeks! To go from knowing nothing, to talking with friends about it is marvelous! I've known that my husband wants to transition for 15 years, and I never felt inclined to share the news until I discovered Susans.org a few weeks ago.

Your therapist sounds like a really valuable resource. Again, I'm impressed by you because I have been meeting with my therapist for over 10 years, and transgenderism has never come up. I intend to change that at my next visit, in a couple weeks. I wonder if she will be knowledgeable. She should be after being the President of the local psychologist association.

Like your husband, mine is so much happier "out", and talking about how to continue coming out. He lost all of his extra weight, and has been coming out very gradually. At work, he mustered up the courage to wear clothes that we bought in the women's section, but that didn't look obviously girly. At home, when it's just the two of us, she is a full-time and gorgeous woman.

I'm wondering what you're crying about. I don't recall responding like that at all. What are you grieving? What are you dreading? Do you think that you're losing something?

Lantana, I think you're doing great "keeping it together"!

[DawnOday]

Welcome. I am transgender MTF. I did not spring it on my wife all at once as she knew before we married that I was a cross-dresser. I did spring it on my first wife and before you know it she was having an affair. What makes it easier today is that information is more freely available. I have now been married to Joann for 35 years. We have two children and soon two granddaughters. To me family is everything but I was willing to risk my family to address my lifetime knowledge that I was not the sex I was born with. On the boy side I am tall 6'5", but I am lacking in the genital area. I tried to live my life as others had determined it for me. All along I hated it. It was a source of ridicule when I was in the locker room. I also found solace and companionship with the girls. Until I started playing little league I really did not have guy friends. Baseball was the only athletic thing I was half way decent at. I was never able to develop muscles. I was never  aggressive however I did get mad and I did get depressed. It was that anger and depression that led to a breakdown and the subsequent discovery that I am transgender through no fault of my own. That was two and a half years ago. Through the years beginning in 84 I went to therapy but little was known about being transgender I went six different times but could not admit so I told them I was stressed instead.  In fact transgender was not a word until the end of the eighties and not in common use until the 90's. Luckily with the advent of the computer age, information is easier to access. In fact I have attached a report from Dr Ann Vitale called the Gender Variant. http://www.avitale.com/developmentalreview.htm pay particular attention to the G3 description. I don't know how old you all are but there is a possible explanation that we were poisoned in utero with massive doses of female hormones thus the boy parts but our brains were formed on these hormones. Research is hard to come by because of prejudice and it would disprove the common concept that we just one day decided. I promise you, your husband has probably been dealing with it for a very long time. I am lucky my wife fell in love with me and not my boy parts. So when I came out to the family I was told. "You will always be our Dad but you have to do what you feel is right" Joann was confused but has reminded me often how much she loves me.
Since coming out. It took three visits to my Gender Therapist to determine that I have transgender tendencies and I was allowed to start HRT.  I have now been on HRT for two years 3 months. Almost immediately my lifetime depression subsided. I have not had to fill out a depression survey in two years. My anger has subsided. I actually look forward to tomorrow. Yes I have boobs and my face has softened. My fat has redistributed and I look a little femme. But  considering where I was I am worlds away in confidence, caring, desire to contribute to others who have suffered as I have. Yes I dress up but I can't get the nerve to go full time. I attend two support groups every week. We go out to dinner afterwords and generally have a good time. Myself,  I have never had an affinity for men. I can't say I never dreamed of being with a man. If I had transitioned in my teens, who knows. But my wife and family love me for me and that is so satisfying. I hope you can see that you remember why you got married in the first place. Did you love the person or did you do it for sex. If it is for sex, try tantrics. Not the positions but the touching and closeness and self awareness. In many ways it is more satisfying than finishing up in ten minutes. Many support groups welcome significant others as well. You may want to visit a therapist yourself to help you cope. I hope you give it a chance. It is hard enough to live knowing something is not right.

[Lantana]

Thanks, for the encouragement, Moonflower.  Much appreciated.  You ask why I am crying.  Probably because a nuclear bomb was dropped in the middle of my life.  One day, I was just cruising toward retirement and living the life I've been waiting for.  Then the bomb.  My husband is gone and someone else is here in his place.  If I hang in there, I have to totally reconfigure in my mind who he is and what he is and what we are.  And if I don't hang in there, well, we had a very comfortable retirement ahead of us.  Divided by two -- not so much.  I'm at a point in my life where I don't want to waste what time I have left waiting for someone to decide who they are.  That's why I'm crying.

Sylvia, you said you cry, too.  What do you cry about?

[Sylvia]

Same as you, Lantana. Moonflower asks why we are grieving? Well, we are grieving about losing the life we thought we had, the person we thought we loved, the future we are not going to have. Is not something to grieve about? Of COURSE we are losing something, we are losing the MEN we loved, still love. We are crying because our entire relationship and life together has been based on a lie. The person we thought we loved really isn't that person, and never was. Is that enough for starters?