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Dealing with acquaintances

Started by AoifeB, October 04, 2018, 11:37:39 PM

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AoifeB

So I'm a month in to HRT, and it's gone more or less as expected for still being early. I'm not quite full-time, and one social circle I haven't told. It's my gaming/RPG friends, mostly. Which hasn't been great hiding things, but I'm just not looking forward to it. We all hang out at a local store, and I know all the regulars, and have for almost a decade. Biggest thing is a number of them are fairly conservative politically, and I'm just getting worried about fallout. This has been a big part of my social life for a long time. I'm pretty anxious about it, and while there's never been any trouble with the few gay or lesbian people that have been around, I have noticed a few comments that make me raise my eyebrows.

I dunno, I'm probably over thinking things, but like I said, this has been a major social outlet for me.
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Northern Star Girl

Quote from: AoifeB on October 04, 2018, 11:37:39 PM
So I'm a month in to HRT, and it's gone more or less as expected for still being early. I'm not quite full-time, and one social circle I haven't told. It's my gaming/RPG friends, mostly. Which hasn't been great hiding things, but I'm just not looking forward to it. We all hang out at a local store, and I know all the regulars, and have for almost a decade. Biggest thing is a number of them are fairly conservative politically, and I'm just getting worried about fallout. This has been a big part of my social life for a long time. I'm pretty anxious about it, and while there's never been any trouble with the few gay or lesbian people that have been around, I have noticed a few comments that make me raise my eyebrows.

I dunno, I'm probably over thinking things, but like I said, this has been a major social outlet for me.

@AoifeB
What you have described is something that all transitioners have had to deal with.   As hard as you try there witl be some that will never accept you and your decision to transition... but there will be some that will accept you. 
You will be going though a big life changing event as you continue your transition journey, it is inevitable that there will be some acquaintances, friends, and even family members that will be left behind...  again, do your best to bring them along but there are some that you can never change their mind and gain their acceptance.

Personally, in my case I have developed a completely new set of acquaintances, friends, and even some romantic interests.   This can be new and exciting for sure.   You can not dwell on the ones that are left behind, it is your life and it is their decision.   It is indeed painful and disappointing to lose old social contacts but look at this as an opportunity to find new like-minded friends and acquaintances....   definitely a positive!!!

Wishing you well with your new decisions that you alone will have to make.  You can not control what others think and do.
Danielle
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I started HRT March 2015 and
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Michelle_P

You may be surprised by your gamer friends.

I was active in, and at the time i came out was the president of an amateur radio club.  These clubs are mostly older men, often tied into law enforcement or community emergency services, and tend to be somewhat conservative. 

When i came out to them, there was very little fuss or misgendering. I continued as president of the club.  It turns out they valued the skills, not the gender.

The gamers may turn out the same way.
Earth my body, water my blood, air my breath and fire my spirit.

My personal transition path included medical changes.  The path others take may require no medical intervention, or different care.  We each find our own path. I provide these dates for the curious.
Electrolysis - Hours in The Chair: 238 (8.5 were preparing for GCS, five clearings); On estradiol patch June 2016; Full-time Oct 22, 2016; GCS Oct 20, 2017; FFS Aug 28, 2018; Stage 2 labiaplasty revision and BA Feb 26, 2019
Michelle's personal blog and biography
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KathyLauren

I had several groups of acquaintances to come out to.  I was nervous at first, but it had to be done.  A couple of groups I came out to by email, and got a lot of suportive replies. 

With one group, a Scottish country dance group, I told the head teacher by email, just out of politeness, then showed up en femme at the annual general meeting.  I was a bit nervous with that group, but I had some people as enthusiastic supporters by the end of the meeting.

Coming out is something that has to be done.  Your friends and acquaintances will sort themselves out.  The ones that are worth keeping will support you.  If there are any that aren't worth the time of day, they will identify themselves.

Good luck!
2015-07-04 Awakening; 2015-11-15 Out to self; 2016-06-22 Out to wife; 2016-10-27 First time presenting in public; 2017-01-20 Started HRT!!; 2017-04-20 Out publicly; 2017-07-10 Legal name change; 2019-02-15 Approval for GRS; 2019-08-02 Official gender change; 2020-03-11 GRS; 2020-09-17 New birth certificate
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EllenJ2003

#4
Quote from: Michelle_P on October 05, 2018, 01:33:45 AM
You may be surprised by your gamer friends.

I was active in, and at the time i came out was the president of an amateur radio club.  These clubs are mostly older men, often tied into law enforcement or community emergency services, and tend to be somewhat conservative. 

When i came out to them, there was very little fuss or misgendering. I continued as president of the club.  It turns out they valued the skills, not the gender.

The gamers may turn out the same way.

My experience has some similarities to Michelle's.  I've had an Amateur Radio license for 40 years (been licensed since early 1978 [when I was 14], was a certified examiner until 2001, and have held an Extra Class License since 1994).  I used to be the secretary for the Ham Radio Club in my hometown, and also supplied the special antennas that Ham Radio club used to operate a special event station from a WW2 era submarine (they were special kind of dipole was draped from the sub's conning tower).  In 2001, I told the club president that I'd help out with submarine radio operating event, but that they would have to deal with the fact that it would be Ellen providing the antennas, and helping out with the radio operating, not the deadname person (who legally quit existing in late 2000).  The club president, said he had no problem with it (and even said that he'd dealt with transsexuals, when he was a police radio dispatcher in California), and I went ahead with participating with the submarine ham radio operating event.  It went pretty well (other than it being kind of cold and cramped in the sub [we operated below the water line from the crewman's mess, and WW2 subs aren't very good at keeping cold water temps from seeping in]).  I did a ton of radio operating (I've always had a good female voice, and a lot of people wanted to chat with the YL [young lady - me], who was operating the radio).  The other submarine special event ham radio station participants didn't seem to have many issues with me (I wasn't misgendered, and nobody got my name wrong), so other than it making for a long weekend (when I could have been relaxing), I had a lot of fun.

Still as Danielle alluded to, the success rate was not 100%.  Several years ago (after I moved out of my hometown to the Milwaukee metro area, for my present job), I ran into some of the members of my hometown Ham Radio club, at a local Ham Radio flea market/swapfest.  One of the members didn't seem to be too comfortable being in my presence, and the other one (who was the same club president I dealt with for the Ham Radio operating event from the WW2 submarine), accidentally called me by the deadname (which I wasn't too happy with - especially since I'd been post-op for a number of years), which elicited some strange looks from the people around us.  I quietly bid the two members of my old radio club adieu, and made myself scarce from them. 

In short, it will be a mixed bag, but Aiofe, if you like gaming, and like interacting with the gaming community, don't give it up, just realize that there will be some people who have issues with you transitioning.  I certainly didn't give up Amateur/Ham Radio (though I admit that from about August 2001 to late 2004, I was inactive, due to deciding to concentrate on my transition, and lacking Ham Radio gear [I'd sold off most of it to help scrape up money from covering transitioning costs]) because some people had issues with me transitioning (I still occasionally encounter over the radio, some Ham Radio operators who know I've transitioned [questions were asked, when they noticed that I kept my old ham radio callsign, so I ended up telling them what happened], and by and large, the response [typically, "I don't understand why you did what you did, but I respect your decision to do so"] has been positive).  I'm still active in Ham Radio (mainly Ham Radio contesting - I belong to a major Ham Radio contesting club [I suspect that another member of this club may be a post-op MTF, because her name and callsign seem similar to the name and callsign of a post-op MTF I briefly chatted with back in 2000], and some vintage radio operating [I have a few vintage ham radios I've restored, that I operate from time to time]), and despite living in a second story apartment, still manage to do Ham Radio operating. 

73 (best of luck and regards),
Ellen
HRT Since 1999
Legal Name Change and Full Time in Dec. 2000
Orchiectomy in July 2001
SRS (Yaay!! :)) Nov. 25, 2003 by Suporn
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Jin

If they will not accept the real me, then they are not really friends and can go fly a kite, leaving the air purer.
I yam what I yam, and that's all what I yam.
-- Popeye

A wise person can learn more from fools than a fool can learn from a wise person.
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EllenJ2003

Quote from: Jin on October 05, 2018, 01:50:19 PM
If they will not accept the real me, then they are not really friends and can go fly a kite, leaving the air purer.

Truth!!
HRT Since 1999
Legal Name Change and Full Time in Dec. 2000
Orchiectomy in July 2001
SRS (Yaay!! :)) Nov. 25, 2003 by Suporn
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AoifeB

Yeah, I went in to this knowing that it wouldn't be easy, and that I might very well need to cut some ties. Getting closer to that point has me anxious. A lot is easier said than done.

Thanks for the advice, I'll just have to do what I have to and screw the haters.
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Harley Quinn

Well, they may surprise you. I wouldn't fret too much. I found its best to let them know as if it's a matter of fact in passing. Don't let the conversation "build up" to it. Just tell them like it's not a big deal, because it isn't... it's just a clarification on who you have always been.
At what point did my life go Looney Tunes? How did it happen? Who's to blame?... Batman, that's who. Batman! It's always been Batman! Ruining my life, spoiling my fun! >:-)
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Northern Star Girl

Quote from: AoifeB on October 05, 2018, 04:17:21 PM
Yeah, I went in to this knowing that it wouldn't be easy, and that I might very well need to cut some ties. Getting closer to that point has me anxious. A lot is easier said than done.

Thanks for the advice, I'll just have to do what I have to and screw the haters.

@AoifeB
In my experience I make an exception to "screw the haters" I am when dealing with old life-long best friends and immediate family members.   I don't give up as easily with those as I do with just acquaintances as you were mentioning at the start of your thread.   
After 4+ years my parents still do not accept me and some of my life-long best friends....   they flat out reject me and my transition but I will continue, especially with my parents to be pleasant and to respect them for being my parents....  They will always be my parents and family.... never give up, never surrender.   I don't want any regrets when they are "gone" ......
Danielle
****Help support this website by:
Subscribing !     and/or by    Donating !

❤️❤️❤️  Check out my Personal Blog Threads below
to read more details about me and my life.
  ❤️❤️❤️
             (Click Links below):  [Oldest first]
  Aspiringperson is now Alaskan Danielle    
           I am the Hunted Prey : Danielle's Chronicles    
                  A New Chapter: Alaskan Danielle's Chronicles    
                             Danielle's Continuing Life Adventures
I started HRT March 2015 and
I've been Full-Time since December 2016.
I love living in a small town in Alaska
I am 45 years old and Single

        Email:  --->  alaskandanielle@
                             yahoo.com
  •  

EllenJ2003

Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on October 05, 2018, 04:32:27 PM
@AoifeB
In my experience I make an exception to "screw the haters" I am when dealing with old life-long best friends and immediate family members.   I don't give up as easily with those as I do with just acquaintances as you were mentioning at the start of your thread.   
After 4+ years my parents still do not accept me and some of my life-long best friends....   they flat out reject me and my transition but I will continue, especially with my parents to be pleasant and to respect them for being my parents....  They will always be my parents and family.... never give up, never surrender.   I don't want any regrets when they are "gone" ......
Danielle

Good Luck Danielle.

While I reconciled with my parents (who had fought with me about my desire to transition since late 1978 [when I was 15]) a few weeks before my SRS in Nov. 2003 (my relationship with them [especially mom] became very close), my brother and sister still refuse to really deal with me, despite me telling them back in 2000, that I was transitioning.  Family members and close friends (such as some former friends I played with in rock bands, who also said "see ya later" to me), can be very hard to get to accept your transition.
HRT Since 1999
Legal Name Change and Full Time in Dec. 2000
Orchiectomy in July 2001
SRS (Yaay!! :)) Nov. 25, 2003 by Suporn
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AoifeB

Luckily my immediate family has been ok.  My youngest sister is fine and happy I'm moving forward with what I need, my mom is adjusting pronouns as I go, my other sister seems neutral but hasn't said much, and I haven't said anything to my brother yet. My mom and sister found out because my girlfriend's evil family decided to out me. My family lives in a different state, while my girlfriend's aunt works at the same place as me. So that was fun.

I suppose not making a big deal of it might be best. Enough people who've found out haven't been surprised that I wondered for a moment if everyone had figured it out before me and was waiting for me to catch up.
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IAmM

As has been said, some will accept and some will not, there is no way to know. Some will say that they accept but do not and some will say that they don't and they end up being okay. It is a step, possibly painful, possibly amazing, you will never know until the step is taken. It is a step that we all must take at some point.

Give them a chance they may surprise you. One thing we will never know is where we stand really to the people that know, not after years and years of transition. We have to take what is and move forward. It is easy to talk hard about someone and something that we do not know, confronted with the real deal in front of us is another thing, they could be supportive with it. We build demons in our mind and most of the time the demons are our own fears projecting. Sometimes they are not but everyone should know going into transition that a serious shift in our social life may be required. Don't you want to know now?
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