Hi All

[cassiebythesea]

Hi everyone.

My name is Cassandra, or Cassie for short. The short story is I'm in my late 20's, and after almost two decades of fighting it, I'm finally able to accept that I'm transgender.

The long story is that my whole life I've never been comfortable as a male. I can remember as far back as eight years old, and not understanding why I was being treated differently than the rest of the girls at school. I was born into a fairly religious and conservative family, so as I grew older I came to see all these feelings and thoughts I couldn't understand as being wrong, as a sin. It quickly became something that I'd routinely beat myself up over. In my late teenage years I grew my hair out (as a lifelong metal head I was able to get away with it), and whenever I was home alone I started "experimenting with my femininity," if you will. This continued on for a while, where I'd dress up any time I was alone. Then in my early 20's, I had a pretty bad episode. I convinced myself that if I cut off my hair, I'd free myself from all the thoughts and feelings.

Well, it made it worse. Since then I routinely avoid mirrors and actively avoid having my picture taken. I just couldn't stand to see my face in any way.

Up to last year I was typically able to suppress everything for a while, even though it'd always come back even worse. Then one day I met up with my cousins at Disneyland. One of these cousins was one I hadn't ever spent time with. He's a trans man, and after spending a weekend with him, and seeing him able to live how he wanted so openly, I found myself drowning in all the old self loathing again.

Now I'm currently working with a therapist for all this, and am now finally able to accept myself as transgender. I'm still super early in all this, so only a handful of people even know at the moment. I'm at that point of trying to map the path forward, and after floating around here for a few weeks I figured it was time to actually join in on the discussions.

And as you can tell, I tend to get a little long winded. Gotta make use of that writing degree in some way or another.

-Cassie

[Alice V]

Hey Cassie!

You've made a great first step by accept your true nature. And I think it's actually cool that you have your cousin - it basically means you have somebody supportive in your surroindings. Second great step was finding therapist. I'm sure you'll be fine from that point.

Btw I believe we're at relatively same age and, probably, at same stage of transitioning, though right now I have other priorities and I'm sure you'll be ahead of me I grown my long hair with help of metal too haha ^_^

Welcome here \m/

[V M]

Hi Cassie 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that we offer to all new members to help them along

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)	Cautionary Note
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy	Membership Agreement

Hugs

V M

[Northern Star Girl]

@cassiebythesea
Dear Cassandra: 
Thank you for writing your very interesting and detail introduction posting.
 
I want to also thank you for recently joining Susan's Place earlier today.  Also, please know that you are always welcome here.  Many of our members will now be aware of your arrival to the Forums and will be able to share with you and you with them regarding your questions and comments.

I see that you have already been Officially Welcomed to Susan's Place
by our lovely member  @V M .   
Please also allow me to also give your a warm Welcome to Susan's Place.

I am thinking that you may have lots more questions and concerns, this is the right place for you to be to find out what others have done that may have been in your circumstances.
Be aware that there are a lot of members here that can identify with your concerns and questions.
 
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others  and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here on the Forums if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....

***It's a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new friends here. 
Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace. 

In her Welcome Message  V M  included Important LINKS that will tell you about Susan's Place.  Included there is information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.   
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.   

Please don't be a stranger, we want to share postings and thoughts with you.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle

[cassiebythesea]

Thanks for the warm welcome, everyone.

Hey Cassie!

You've made a great first step by accept your true nature. And I think it's actually cool that you have your cousin - it basically means you have somebody supportive in your surroindings. Second great step was finding therapist. I'm sure you'll be fine from that point.

Btw I believe we're at relatively same age and, probably, at same stage of transitioning, though right now I have other priorities and I'm sure you'll be ahead of me I grown my long hair with help of metal too haha ^_^

Welcome here \m/

My cousin and I were laughing at it a little a few days ago. We're complete polar opposites of each other. He's a pansexual trans man that's insanely extroverted and always bouncing and happy and dressed in bright colors. Whereas  I'm an asexual trans woman that's horribly introverted and always dressed in black.

And I can't say that I'll be that much ahead of you, I've got a long ways to go, with my tons of body hair and unfortunate hair line. What's your poison when it comes to metal?

[Athenajacob]

Hi Cassie, I almost wonder if I may have ran across your path at Disneyland--my wife, son and I have annual passes--you never know! I know its a non-sequitur, but I felt as you do for many years. I am very early in my transition and so far my wife is only comfortable with stealthily outing myself just a little (like today we went makeup shopping, but I was testing the shade "for my mom") and we are strongly, and deeply in love. I do not know how much of a transition I can make with her, but we are committed to working through it.

I do not know if you are romantically involved, but I had always felt no one would love me if I were trans. My wife is still terrified of me having breasts, but she has not run screaming into the wilderness (yet at least) and so that's encouraging. We are also even planning on expanding our family, so there's a lot of hope.

The reason I mention this is because I felt like not only would society hate me, but love was impossible and just felt despair for 25 years. I was not able to come out to my wife as early as I wanted--she became pregnant after we wed and it was not appropriate until after our son was born. I started with showing her things I looked at, and two years later I told her I dress and two years after that I told her I am in trans (she asked, and asked for 2 years and I confirmed "no" for her benefit; a cognitive dissonance exercise I believe we both knew was being played since we had a monumental task ahead (to better ourselves) which is just now coming to fruition.

so you can find love as a transwoman! I really, really believe you can!

This really is a supportive place--I just started posting a few weeks ago and feel pretty at home by now.

The warmest and most supportive of regards,

Athena

[Lacy]

Welcome Cassie!

I am 29 and also grew up in a very conservative, religious household (My father is a Pastor). I mastered the self deprecation game at an early age, and figured I was a horrible person for the way I felt.
It is so freeing to accept who you are and choose to follow the path to free that woman inside! I am glad to read that you have managed to break through and look forward to reading more about your journey!

Lacy

[cassiebythesea]

Hi Cassie, I almost wonder if I may have ran across your path at Disneyland--my wife, son and I have annual passes--you never know! I know its a non-sequitur, but I felt as you do for many years. I am very early in my transition and so far my wife is only comfortable with stealthily outing myself just a little (like today we went makeup shopping, but I was testing the shade "for my mom") and we are strongly, and deeply in love. I do not know how much of a transition I can make with her, but we are committed to working through it.

I do not know if you are romantically involved, but I had always felt no one would love me if I were trans. My wife is still terrified of me having breasts, but she has not run screaming into the wilderness (yet at least) and so that's encouraging. We are also even planning on expanding our family, so there's a lot of hope.

The reason I mention this is because I felt like not only would society hate me, but love was impossible and just felt despair for 25 years. I was not able to come out to my wife as early as I wanted--she became pregnant after we wed and it was not appropriate until after our son was born. I started with showing her things I looked at, and two years later I told her I dress and two years after that I told her I am in trans (she asked, and asked for 2 years and I confirmed "no" for her benefit; a cognitive dissonance exercise I believe we both knew was being played since we had a monumental task ahead (to better ourselves) which is just now coming to fruition.

so you can find love as a transwoman! I really, really believe you can!

This really is a supportive place--I just started posting a few weeks ago and feel pretty at home by now.

The warmest and most supportive of regards,

Athena

If you've ever encountered someone at Disney who is dressed in black and is constantly wearing a scowl, then you may have crossed paths with me. I'm a lot friendlier than I appear.

In terms of romance, that's always been a problem for me. Never been particularly good with them, but who knows how much of that is me, how much is the partners, or how much was me being unable to be the real me for so long. The upside to that is that right now, while taking the first steps to transition, I don't have that fear of losing someone special during the process. Once I'm further down the path, who knows how all that will change.