Opening the cage

[Moonflower]

I'm preparing for when my SO begins HRT, and greatly appreciate all of the leaders whom I have met here at Susan's. You all make this challenging experience so much easier as she and I discuss which teensy steps to take, and in what sequence.

I'm still the only one she has told, and I have told no one except you all here, at her request, but she asked me to talk with my therapist at my next appointment, and ask if she has any suggestions for trans resources. I'm wondering how our primary care physician will respond at the end of the month when my SO asks for her help, too.

Around 15 years ago, after we watched The Birdcage (my suggestion after I heard how much fun it was), my husband told me that he was a MTF Trans. I don't recall being surprised or appalled or anything of the sort. I was only curious what he meant, and continue to be curious about how she will proceed on her journey. I must admit that I felt a little off balance for around a year, as I wondered if there was more to the iceberg: did he have any other secrets that would surface from the depths?

I am looking forward to seeing what she decides to do as she looks to take steps to express herself more honestly. I love who she is, and that includes all of her expressions of herself. I believe that she will be healthier and happier when she is more at ease with being her honest self in public and around family and friends.

I'm looking forward to more people being able to get to know more about the beautiful person whom I fell in love with 20 years ago, and grew to love even more.

Thanks again for being here and sharing your perspective. I'm eager to reciprocate with support and enthusiasm.

[DawnOday]

I am totally blessed. After the failure of my first marriage 43 years ago because I crossdressed and my wife found out and started an affair with one of the doctors she worked with. It was really horrible to me because Wen was my Alpha and Omega. I just could not control my urge to be the person I always knew myself to be. So when she left I had free reign to dress as I wished while I was at home. I started a relationship with Jo because being with her was better than being alone. I have only had sex with three different women in my lifetime. I was a late bloomer as my testes did not drop until my final year of highschool and my penis was always the source of ridicule in the shower room. We didn't really know what dysphoria was I just knew I hated the damn thing.
Before we married Jo found my stash of makeup and clothes and I explained to her I liked to dress as a woman because it makes me feel good and normal. She never mentioned it again and I went about my business of hiding in the closet and dressing when I could. By 1986 our son was born, how he came about is still one of the greatest mysteries known to man. But lo and behold three years later my daughter was born. Now I know how immaculate conception may have come about. I got sick and discovered my aortic valve was defective. In fact most of my heart was defective with myopathy, CHF, coronary artery disease. I had a TIA that stole enough brain cells that I could no longer do the job I had done for twenty years. It took three years to recover sufficiently to return to work. The irony is all are symptoms of DES poisoning in utero.
We moved to Seattle and I worked for Boeing about ten years before I decided I just couldn't take it any more. At the time I was approaching 300 lbs and had just too many problems. When we moved to Seattle I tried very hard to ignore my desires and I concentrated on raising the kids. About four years ago the my desire to crossdress came back with a vengeance. I spent large sums of money in cosmetics and clothes and hid them away for when I was alone. All this time I had be seeing therapists but none of them were gender therapists. It all came to a head about three years ago now when I went to my sisters and had a breakdown. I had learned my ex lived down the road and I felt I owed her an apology and let her know I had never stopped loving her. I understood why she had the affair and how I wish I could have controlled my urge. Anyway I didn't go and instead had a breakdown in sisters living room where I became a total donkey.  I told my sister there was something bothering me and it had always bothered me. I promised when I got home I would go the a therapist. So I did and within three visits to Christy we came to the conclusion I was transgender. I began HRT about three weeks later.
After reviewing resources on Susan's Place I came to the realization that it was always part of my life and that it was not something I could overcome even if I wanted to. I had hidden all these years because I allowed other peoples opinions overrule mine. There was no such thing as a transgender person until the late eighties when it was defined. I had been born with a boy body but a massively influenced hormone  provoked female brain.
I finally came out to my wife and explained everything to her. Then my kids. The response was overwhelmingly positive and has remained such. I attend support groups in the area which help me to realize I am not alone. I see a psychologist twice a month. I have taken voice lessons. I am just about clear of facial hair. But here is the but. They don't want to see me dressed up. I can sympathize because they have always known me as the Dudeman. It's a tough adjustment for them and I will not destroy a 35 year relationship over it but I also will not forgo my destiny that took so long to acknowledge. So I do my thing two three times a week. Go out to dinner with the support group girls. Dress for medical appointments etc. and wish I could have done it 50 years earlier. I guess the decision one has to make is did you marry your spouse for sex or for love I know I said earlier she was someone to talk to but eventually I realize that every tragic event, or joyous event she was at my side. She keeps me stable and protects me. I'm lucky because my wife loves me in spite of it all. She understands it is not something that came over me overnight. That I have been dealing with it a lifetime and I tried not to scribble outside the lines. I have a penis. I wish I didn't. I hope you can find it in your heart to be there for your mate and remember why you married in the first place. Was it sex or love?
XXOO
Dawn

[Moonflower]

What a story! You have accomplished so much!

You got me thinking about how odd it is that the first transgender person I was ever aware of was my spouse, except a celebrity or two. I grew up in uber-liberal communities that loved their LGB members, but the T concept was never mentioned. Feminine men were considered gay, never trans. Masculine women were lesbians. Any of us could be bisexual.

But now, I live in a very conservative community, and some of the most liberal members say that transgenderism is so common in the schools, it's just a fad and should be discouraged. I maintain my liberal principles, and argue that we all must be supportive as they explore who they are. I'm delighted that even here, everyone knows something about trans now.

[Moonflower]

The cage door has opened a bit farther. Now, several people know, besides me 

My lovely one's brother responded to her coming-out letter with a positive attitude, which was a relief, but he didn't say what I was hoping for. I was hoping that he'd recall clues, and share inspiring stories of trans people whom he knows, and cheer her on.

My therapist lit up with more enthusiasm than I've ever seen in her, and gave us suggestions for who to go to for trans counseling. She kept saying, "That's Wonderful!" I asked her what she meant, and she said that my spouse's story is tragic, but expressing her true self is wonderful.

Our primary care physician had to think. She knows female-to-male professionals, and will get back to my sweetie with suggestions for male-to-female transitioning.

I called one of my therapist's suggestions: the Director of a nearby LGBT group. She put us in touch with the Board Chair of a related LGBT group (for older people), who is the one who collected a list of recommended resources for transitioning. He's in a conference this week, and then we look forward to talking with him.

These responses moved my honey to call another resource that my therapist recommended: a counseling group that my therapist said  has many transitioning clients. She's waiting for a callback for the Intake. We're reluctant to use their service: the counselors are students. We'd rather use a more experienced counselor. What do you think?

And she continues to be read as a woman, though she has made very little effort to earn such compliments. Twice last month, she came with me to doctor's appointments, and they had trouble perceiving her as my husband.

Then, inspired by @Shambles , we went purse shopping. My dearest was dressed in men's clothes, but the sales clerk called her and me, "ladies". This happens so often! I love it. I love others' confirmation of who she is.

While we were out shopping, she followed me as I explored what's currently available at the jumbo cosmetic stores nearby. I didn't realize that she had no idea what we were looking at, like what any of the products were for. I will have such fun explaining it all!

Tonight, I spent a couple hours researching nontoxic makeup products. Decades ago, I studied theater makeup for several months, but my skin was too sensitive for it, and I didn't have a willing model for experimenting. Over the years, I considered making cosmetics from kitchen ingredients. When my sweetie came out to me, I bought a top quality makeup set, but I didn't get the results I wanted. How terrific to find websites now that explain how to feminize a face, and which brands are healthiest for her very sensitive skin. https://www.ewg.org/skindeep/ is amazing!

I'm enjoying this so much! She is renewing my interest in being a woman as she relies on me to guide her.

I hope that you find my stories uplifting and inspiring. Being the SO of a trans person has become one of my greatest joys.

[AnneK]

I was going to ask what area you live in, but I see you've already found a local support group.  It's great to see SOs that are prepared to help their partner with this sort of thing and to share it with them.  Back when I was married, my wife liked to see me in stockings or pantyhose, but that was as far as she was prepared to go.  It was only after we split that I got into full cross dressing.  I plan to start on hormones shortly.  How far are the two of you planning on taking this?

[Moonflower]

My SO has my full support for whatever she chooses to do, and not do. I greatly appreciate all that people shared here about orchiectomies, and urge her to read about it. For now, she is content anticipating HRT, laser, electrolysis,  more and prettier clothes, cosmetics and feminization grooming, a little voice training, and continuing to work toward presenting as a woman full time...wow! What a list! Life is exciting!

[AnneK]

wow! What a list! Life is exciting!

More like wow! You're a great SO.  Many of use here wish we had someone like you.  I assume from what you say, she could wind up with full GCS.  You certainly have my support.

[Moonflower]

@AnneK, thanks for all YOUR support here, as you help keep Susan's alive for all of us. For my part, I hope to support people like you as you reach for a supportive social network. I hope that my stories reassure you that people like me exist, and you deserve someone like me. Plenty of people have overcome being stifled, and are delighted to help others speak their truth.

My SO insists that she will not have any surgery, but as she becomes better acquainted with the stories here and with what Medicare covers, she might change her mind. Surgery terrifies me, but that's not an issue right now.

[Moonflower]

Fun day yesterday. My SO got more involved in looking at makeup,  and even chose a lipstick and 2 nail polishes. We used both nail polishes last night, one on each hand. How marvelous for her to gaze at her colored fingers, and remark how right it felt. So funny when she kissed my forehead after I put the lipstick on her, and she left a red mark.

We chose to start with the Mineral Fusion brand because it is highly rated by the Environmental Working Group, and Amazon customers, and is available for a good price at our favorite grocery store. They even have testers there, but she's not ready to use them in public, even though she noticed a young boy squirming nearby whose mother was holding color samples up to his face. We look forward to when she can embrace such opportunities to support others.

While we were at the grocery store, someone had trouble passing us in the aisle, and said, "Excuse me, ladies." Amazing how often people read her as a woman before she has implemented many of her feminization plans. Did you hear me mention that she's afraid of presenting as a woman, and being read as a man?

Today she got two suggestions from our doctor for counselors. She emailed one, and heard back. Next step: call the counselor to set up an appointment.

I hope that you are enjoying your adventures today.

[AnneK]

My SO insists that she will not have any surgery, but as she becomes better acquainted with the stories here and with what Medicare covers, she might change her mind.

Well, let's hope so, assuming that's also what you want.  I would have loved to have someone like you to help me, but my ex wasn't into that, beyond my wearing nylons.

[Moonflower]

Anne, as soon as I figure out how to clone myself, I'll send a copy of me right over to you.

I am so happy to discover how perfect I am for my spouse who is so perfect for me. It's not that I'm transamorous; I  don't find trans people more appealing than others. It's not that I'm a lesbian or bisexual or asexual; I bonded to my sweetheart, regardless of sex. We were struck by Cupid's bow at first glance, and are continuously amazed by how deep our love is for each other, and how it only gets deeper. We went through really painful relationships before we met.

I guess that the pain put us in touch with what is important to us

.

[LizK]

..... It's not that I'm a lesbian or bisexual or asexual; I bonded to my sweetheart, regardless of sex. We were struck by Cupid's bow at first glance, and are continuously amazed by how deep our love is for each other, and how it only gets deeper. We went through really painful relationships before we met. .

Moonflower I have just found this thread and could not stop smiling as I read. I think you and you partner are what I would call "soul mates"

I tell a story about my wife and I and it goes like this....We met on the Monday, I Moved in on the Thursday, we got engaged 11 months later, Married 12 months later and still married 33 years later...Love at first sight...we are "soul mates" she loves me for who I am. I loved her the moment I set eyes on her and have never loved anyone like since or before.


Love will triumph and I am happy to be able to read about such an awesome relationship.


Take Care

Liz

[Moonflower]

Liz, I'm glad that you found me here. I love considering that being soul mates could be one key to happy transitioning. So many people here are hurting because they or their SOs are opposed to trans concepts. Surely love flattens all obstacles to growth and self expression and self actualization. For people our age, transgender and transitioning are so loaded with a history of shame and misunderstanding and fear; a supportive SO of one sort or another (a spouse, relative, therapist...) must be essential. I have the impression that the current generation has it easier, but still has the same excruciating pain when an SO drifts away or stomps off.

By the way, I always enjoy seeing your avatar. I'm fascinated by M. C. Escher and trompe l'oeil.

And, what does "571H 25M BWCA?" mean in your signature? I just discovered your GCS Story thread, and anticipate that it likely explains the meaning. See you there...

[LizK]

Hi Moonflower

It started as a joke countdown to my Surgery in three weeks and it is read the following way

571 hours and 25 minutes till surgery But Who Is Counting Anyway...

It was in weeks days hours but has got so close.

I think you make some great observations. There are many here who are suffering due to spousal breakups. You are right when we were growing up we did not have the resources and it was a tabu subject. Yes the younger ones do have an "advantage" due to greater knowledge but I really think that is a double edged sword and the younger ones have their fill of issues that we did not.

I change my Avatar frequently and this time I loved the drawing  and used it but alas it will go very soon as my knew pic is just about ready to go up. [emoji3]

Take care

Liz


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[Moonflower]

@LizK
Thanks for the explanation. No wonder I thought I had deciphered the first part, but suddenly couldn't figure it out. Congratulations on getting so close to your due date! I'm working on getting over to your GCS Story thread.

You got me thinking: the idea resonates with me that when we are too stressed, we lose our flexibility and ability to embrace any change. So I consider my ability to embrace change to be a good sign. So-o-o-o, I look forward to seeing your new avatar even though I'll miss your current one. Any sneak previews or hints of what's coming?

[KathyLauren]

It's not that I'm a lesbian or bisexual or asexual; I bonded to my sweetheart, regardless of sex.

OMG, that is beautiful!  My wife is the same way towards me.  I wish others were so fortunate.

[Moonflower]

@KathyLauren you are so dear here, I'm especially glad that your wife and you are continuing to value and enjoy each other. That's good to know, especially for the people who think that such stories only happen in fairy tale lands. I'm sure that you do terrific things to support and appreciate your wife.

[Moonflower]

My baby is wearing running shoes! In other words, more big steps today.

We go almost everywhere together, so we took the car for a routine visit to our car mechanic. Before we went, we discussed what to do about the polish on her nails. She decided to leave it on, and to keep her gloves on in the waiting room. A week or two ago, she would never have considered such a thing! Too risky! But as a woman, she is Bold! I love seeing her become more alive!

When we got home, she became antsy about making an appointment with a counselor who will tell her dr that it's OK to refer her to an endocrinologist for hormone replacement therapy. We read about one whom our dr suggested, but he wasn't appealing. Too much of a condescending, pastoral attitude, maybe. My sweetie got a hold of the other one whom our dr suggested, but they didn't click. Her antsyness escalated.

We worked together to find another option. We found one who is transgender, supervises students at the first trans counseling place that we looked into, and has been in practice for (lots) more than a few months. His website is all about working with trans clients. A year ago, a professional therapists' journal published his article about how to interact with trans counselors and trans clients. My sweetie left a message asking for an appointment. Yes! We will move mountains to grab his first available appointment.

AND then she asked me to re-paint her nails so they'll be fresh for our trip into the city tomorrow. And she chose the bold red instead of the soft pink. She said something unbelievable, that she doesn't care how people respond tomorrow. I'm stunned, and I love seeing her come out of her shell. I hope that you are likewise enjoying coming out of your shell.

[HappyMoni]

Hi Moonflower

It started as a joke countdown to my Surgery in three weeks and it is read the following way

571 hours and 25 minutes till surgery But Who Is Counting Anyway...

It was in weeks days hours but has got so close.


Liz


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Liz, what no countdown seconds? Come on Girl!

Moonflower, your support for your partner reminds me of my partner. You are really exceptional, as is she. This being your thread and it being in the significant other section, I tend to tread lightly with my input. I would like to recognize though how difficult it is for some partners and say that when an SO can't make the transition with their transitioning partner, it doesn't mean they are bad people by any means. I always root for friendship and emotional co-support when partners do split. I have a friend who is coming out now and I am hoping it works for both of them. It is sometimes difficult to watch the emotions of both partners during this time. I do love your positivity, and I think you are in for a lot of wonderful moments as you watch your partner slowly shed her fears. I will tell you, when I was first transitioning, I was very tentative like your partner is now. It wasn't long before my desire to do this little thing or that (transition wise), soon became a freight train of needing more progress. YMMV. What is out of the question now may be more fluid than she thinks. Thank you for contributing so much here and tell your partner that we don't bite. We are friendly and look forward to hearing from her when she is ready.
Moni

[Moonflower]

This being your thread and it being in the significant other section, I tend to tread lightly with my input.

Moni it's great to see you here. I welcome all of your input. I appreciate your perspective. I love your compassion and empathy and words of wisdom. Thank you for making me feel so welcomed at Susan's.