Robby's Journey

[Robbyv213]

I did not care for or could not find any wigs I liked... Or I guess I should say I didn't like any wigs due to my masculine facial features. So no wig for now.

Had labs done and Endo appointment today. Currently testosterone is at 81, estradiol is at 191. My endocrinologist wants to add in progesterone to help lower my t levels since I'm not on Spiro or any other form or anti androgen. Not sure if I will take him up on his suggestion yet alone continue hrt all together. I'm still having many days where I am finding myself doubting and second guessing every thing. Therapy is not really helping me figure it out either.

[Lori Dee]

Hey Robby!

How have you been? I was thinking about you the other day.

Why use progesterone to lower T when there are meds available specifically for that purpose? I did the Spiro route and it did nothing. I did the Finasteride route and it did nothing. I did both together, and still no luck. Now, I get a leuprolide (Eligard) injection once every 90 days. That suppresses T production at the source. Then I take a daily tab of Bicalutamide (Casodex) which blocks androgen receptors. Both were prescribed by a VA Endocrinologist and are filled by the VA Pharmacy. The leuprolide injection is done by a nurse in the Specialty Clinic, but the Casodex tabs are mailed to me along with my other meds.

Your estradiol level is fine right where it is, but I would try lowering your T level to 50 or lower. Progesterone is a good thing for breast development, but only mildly affects T levels.

If the therapy is not helping you figure things out, then maybe you are on the wrong path. What I mean is that therapy helps you figure out what questions you need answered so you can discover those answers for yourself. If the wrong questions are being asked, then you won't get the right answers. Does that make sense?

My depression and anxiety kept getting worse. We (my therapist, medical doctors, and I) were certain it was because my hormone levels were too low. Then we got my levels where they need to be but my symptoms did not get better. I was talking to a neighbor who confided some things that rang true to me. I asked my psychologist about it and it was not my gender dysphoria acting up, it was PTSD from when I was assaulted in the service.

My point is that if you go into therapy thinking you are trans, or an alien, or a zebra, your therapy will become shaped around helping you figure that out, whatever it means. But if none of those things are what is causing your distress, then maybe it is time to look in another direction for answers.

If your questioning is more about personal safety in this environment, plus saving relationships with spouse and family, those are good questions to examine. The therapist should be able to help you focus on handling that situation.

Something that might help you to think in the right direction is what I told my clients was the "Magic Question". If I were to snap my fingers and your problem would be instantly resolved, how would your life change? Would it be better and how would it be better? Would it become worse and how would it become worse? How would YOU be different?

I hope this helps. Hang in there, Sister. You got this!

[Robbyv213]

My Endo wants to use progesterone since I am trying to not use anything that would affect my libido or cause any further e.d. than I already have. He said progesterone would help lower t to an extent but not be as harsh on my libido and ability to function downstairs as much as Spiro or Bica etc. and that progesterone would also help with breast shape development.

If I had no concerns about losing my function and libido I'm sure he would go a different route with medication.

From what everyone I have talked to about how they determined what the best past for themselves was, that they all did some sort of inner self reflecting, some used journals, some therapy, some both or other forms of doing inner self work.

Does anyone know of any trans specific workbooks that may help with this. Something that might off journaling questions that would give the individual something to think and reflect upon?

I had a 15 min consult with Dr Z, since the VA therapist isn't really helping much, and my therapist that I used before raised their prices again. But Dr z is more than double my old therapist price for just one session.
So I'm not sure if I will ever try to have a session with her.

As for me there have def been more bad days than good ones. So much so that I had been thinking about how nice it would be to not exist anymore so I would t have to make this choice or deal with any of it anymore.

apart of me is definitely wondering if life before all this is something I could live with and tolerate.

[Lori Dee]

I hear you. The progesterone would be better in that case.

I don't know of any workbooks, but check out the Gender Analysis website:
https://genderanalysis.net/

They have some good articles explaining different things and maybe they have something that will help.

As for a therapist, check out our Support Groups page. I posted there a bunch of hotlines to various organizations that cater to different circumstances, like legal, medical, etc.
That post is here:
https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,249512.msg2286371.html#msg2286371

The hotline may not be able to help you directly, but they might know of a resource you can connect to, maybe even in your area. It never hurts to just call and tell them what you are looking for.

Hang in there. It is always darkest before the dawn.

[Robbyv213]

Thanks @Lori Dee

[Robbyv213]

So this past Saturday I went to a wig fitting (the same one I went to before since that's the place the VA uses) and when I got there they were super busy, and of course I'm the only guy there.


That's when I became extremely self aware being in a wig shop full of women. It wasn't the best time. I canceled and said I would re-schedule another time. But I don't think I will or can.

It was extremely eye opening for me, and emotional. It made me see that Im not able to overcome being in public and transitioning socially. I wasn't even presenting as a woman, but I couldn't shop or get fitted for a wig surrounded by a bunch of women. All I know is that I had to leave. My flight or flight kicked in and left. Once I got in my car the flood gates opened and i have been an emotional wreck since. Drove the entire way home barely able to see from all the tears.

I am in awe of all you awesome women, living your life and not letting your fears over power you. Unfortunately that's something I will never be able to do. After today I don't think I'll ever be able to take off my mask and let go of the armour I build to protect myself, which is again a thought that makes me extremely sad. In time the sorrow will fade, when all of this is stuffed back into Pandora's box and tossed into the deepest oceans never to be seen again.

I had different plans for my weekend alone... Got to love how life always finds a way to screw everything up.


I think I'm not at the point of being ready to walk this path, which saddens me, since I know if I stop this path I'll for sure retrograde back and lose any and all progress I made.


Like I'm not sure if this is a situation where I need to have faith and just keep pushing forward or if this is a time where I need to heed what I'm feeling and stop for the time being until I figure my ->-bleeped-<- out.


I know it will never be too late to transition, but I also don't want to stop and retrogress to only start from scratch a year or two or three from now when like you said there is no way around the elephant in the room anymore


I am by no means in any rush. What ever happens as it happens is how I live my life for the most part. But I'd hate to stop something if it truly is my path, but at the same time I'd hate to not stop and continue down their path and find out it's not my path.


I know, sometimes I feel like something is so right or obvious as to how I feel and why and then other times it's like I'm gaslighting myself


All I want is peace, what ever that looks like is what I want.


Unfortunately I feel more and more that I'll only find peace in death, which is also very saddening and depressive.

[Lori Dee]

Hi Robby!

When I made my first appointment with the VA wig supplier over the phone, I told her I was transgender and would like an appointment at a time when she wasn't busy. She said she understood and made an appointment for me on a Saturday when she would have been closed for a holiday. I had the whole place to myself. I understand that you live in a bigger city than I do, but it doesn't hurt to ask.

At the following appointment, there was a woman in a chair getting her hair washed and cut. I just reminded myself that I don't know that person and may never see them again, so what do I care what she thinks? I could be getting a wig for a costume party, Halloween, drag show, or whatever. Most people do not care. They live in their own little world and you do not matter.

I think you need to push onward because I know how strongly you feel this is right. You also don't want to start over. Just take your time and do little things to make you happy. As you successfully overcome one obstacle you gain the motivation to tackle the next.

Remember the obstacle courses during training? It was only partly a test of physical endurance. The other part was mental. It is looking at this huge wall in front of you, knowing you must get over it, and then knowing that you can. You have the strength and ability to get over it. And you did. Every time. This is no different.

Sure, you could give up and just be miserable. But you and I both know that it will get worse. "Slow and steady wins the race" but there must be a "steady" instead of a stop. I believe that a big part of your frustration is your desire to please others and you are willing to set your own needs aside to do that. But then, the inner you starts screaming for attention.

It is that conflict, that dysphoria, that is stressing you out because you haven't found a way to have it both ways... yet. Just take some time to decide what is most important to you. Many times, we don't like the answer because on the surface it appears that we are being selfish. But you cannot give fully to others without giving to yourself first, otherwise you will end up with nothing to give. It is so much better to address your own priorities first and become the best person you can be. Then when you give to others you give them so much more. Not a role you have been playing, but the real you.

It is normal to second guess ourselves and rethink our decisions. Just remember how you arrived at that decision in the first place. You weren't wrong. You didn't make a mistake. Your reasons are just as valid now as they were then. Humans resist change. It is in our nature. But we can accept small changes over time. Baby steps. Eventually, you can look back and realize that you have baby-stepped for miles.

You can do this. Just hang in there.

Hugs!

[Robbyv213]

Thanks @Lori Dee once again you always seem to know what to say.

I will give the wig fitting another try at some point. Not sure when as I don't really need a wig just yet, since I'm still presenting male all most all of the time still.

I just feel that with my armour of muscle and bodybuilding I could do anything be anything. Now if all that was a mask and me compensating I feel like I don't know who or what I am and what I am capable of doing. I'm not sure what changed mentally for me from being unstoppable in the Marines to now feeling like I am weak and not able to be confident enough to do anything yet alone transition.

[Lori Dee]

I just feel that with my armour of muscle and bodybuilding I could do anything be anything. Now if all that was a mask and me compensating I feel like I don't know who or what I am and what I am capable of doing. I'm not sure what changed mentally for me from being unstoppable in the Marines to now feeling like I am weak and not able to be confident enough to do anything yet alone transition.

I think it is just fear of the unknown. You are venturing into uncharted waters and that can be scary. That's why we are here, to share our maps and let others know that the "denizens of the deep" are not as scary as we thought. And paradise lies ahead for those who make the journey.

The question you need to ask yourself is the same one I had to ask myself: Why did I need all that armor to feel sure of myself? Is that the real me? In my case, it turned out to be just camouflage to fit in and be accepted. It wasn't me, it was a role I was playing. That became clear when I saw how it affected my relationships and marriages. I wasn't being honest with myself, or others, so they failed.

You will get there. I wish your therapist was more helpful. There are good ones out there. Keep looking.

[Robbyv213]

Speaking of therapist, has anyone had a session with Dr z? I did a free consultation call. But when I got the price for one actual session it was more than double the price of one session with my old therapist that I used to pay for before I went to the VA's specialist.

[Lori Dee]

Can you request a different therapist through the VA, maybe at a different clinic? Or do TeleHealth with one in Minneapolis VA, but the wait time might be long. Why pay if you can get it for free and the VA already has your records.

[Robbyv213]

I'm sure I can request another therapist, but I got the feeling that I'll be given to another therapist that is out of the o
Phoenix VA system.

I'm not sure I can use an out of state therapist if there are open slots with ones that are here local to Phoenix area. Unless I get the patient advocate involved and say my needs aren't being met, which they were in some ways and not so much in other ways.

[Robbyv213]

Had a therapist appointment today, one I didn't cancel. Lol

Today we mainly focused on the idea of how I can show up as my true self without necessarily having to show it externally or socially by my presentation or outward appearance.

I feel I am still struggling with figuring out who I am at my core, where as she thinks I know who i am, but I don't have ways of showing up or allowing myself to show up.
I'm not even sure who I am when I'm just trying to live day to day yet alone how to be a woman, or what my womanhood/femininity looks like. Basically she's wanting me to figure out how I can show up as her without her necessarily being visible to the outside world. Being her in plain sight without anyone knowing.

Honestly I'm not sure. I already do a bunch of things that no one can see. And I'm not sure if they're helping at this point. And from my experience with the wig shop, and I uncomfortable in that situation bc that's normal for anyone who hasn't been a regular at a wig shop or was it because I felt I was not valid being there bc I don't see myself as a woman yet without being able to externally present that way....
All I can think about is if I am to be myself and not care what other think, I would probably try stoping all feminine hormones getting back on steroids and becoming as big as possible and then just dress and present outwardly as a woman. I seriously doubt many people would be daring enough to say anything to my face or be willing to start any drama or conflict by themselves... Lol

Is there any way to be who I was before I starting HRT and also be a woman without having insane amounts of money to pay out of pocket for feminizing surgeries, since most surgeons won't do any procedures without the individual being on hormone therapy for a year min as well as living full time as their gender, unfortunately I doubt it.

I just feel that I will never truly ever be able to become her...

[Lori Dee]

All I can think about is if I am to be myself and not care what other think, I would probably try stoping all feminine hormones getting back on steroids and becoming as big as possible and then just dress and present outwardly as a woman. I seriously doubt many people would be daring enough to say anything to my face or be willing to start any drama or conflict by themselves... Lol

I just feel that I will never truly ever be able to become her...

The point that I think you are missing is that YOU ARE ALREADY HER. You always have been. You see her in your mind. It's when the dysphoria kicks in because what you see in the mirror is not what your mind sees. I know this from experience.

if I am to be myself and not care what other think, I would probably try stoping all feminine hormones getting back on steroids and becoming as big as possible and then just dress and present outwardly as a woman. I seriously doubt many people would be daring enough to say anything to my face or be willing to start any drama or conflict by themselves... Lol

This tells me that the masculine bodybuilder image was camouflage. It was a way to hide her away so "nobody would say anything to your face or be willing to start any drama". But camouflage is a false representation of what lies behind it. It is designed to fool the observer, and when you look in the mirror, you are the observer.

She is in there and she knows the truth. You can let her out without going for the super-femme Instagram Super Model look. Women come in many shapes and sizes and many of them are not dainty, girly types. How feminine you want to look is up to you. Just because you wear guy jeans, like many women do, does not mean you are not a woman.

One thing I did when I was just getting comfortable with being publicly out, is I would remind myself constantly that the people who see me do not know the real me. They think I am ______ but that is not me. I know the truth and what they think doesn't matter.

[Robbyv213]

@Lori Dee

I see what you're saying. I guess that's the biggest battle for me is self acceptance and knowing I'm already her regardless of my presentation... Being able to let go of the camouflage.

[Robbyv213]

Happy Easter everyone if you celebrate it and if not I hope you had a great weekend

I seem to struggle with weekends the most and I'm not sure why. During the week and as the week progresses I feel that I only become more affirmed in who I believe myself to be and what my path is moving forward and feeling okay and good about it and myself.

And then the weekend comes and I don't know what about it causes me to feel like all that I was so sure about and felt good about during the week is now gone and that I was mistaken.

Like typically on weekends since I usually have to deal with being out in public more or more family members I'm usually being who everyone expects me to be whereas on the weekend I'm usually able to do at least one thing maybe multiple things to help me be her and feel affirmed. Usually by the end of the weekend of having to wear whatever mask I have to put on around whoever I end up being around usually is enough to make me think that I can sustain how I live on the weekends versus how I live during the week if that makes sense (because it doesn't make sense to me lol)