How to cope with non transitioning?

[lostone92]

Hello everybody

I am in second half of my twenties, from EU and I am dealing with gender dysphoria ever since I was 11. I want to be a girl and have pretty harsh physical dysphoria but much milder social one. I am engaged and I date my fiancé for four years now. She don't know that I struggle with gender and is pretty conservative and would probably dump me if she knew. I am also in my opinion pretty manly looking so it will be unlikely for that I could ever pass without ffs which I probably wouldn't be able to afford.

Reasons above are the reason I am choosing non transitioning approach for dealing with my gender issues, but I am having trouble with finding working solutions. I am on two different psychiatric meds - anti depressant and anti psychotic, which in a way just make my dysphoria clearer. I don't find much relief in crossdressing because it just highlight my male figure and how clothes don't fit Well. Coming out to my fiancé for support isn't an option either, because she would dump
my therapist isn't very helpful outside prescribing meds either.

So for those of you who didn't transition; how do you cope? How can you functional human being while.living with this pain? And I want to also ask, how did marriage and children affected your dysphoria did it get better or worse?

[Autrement]

Hello Lostone,

This is a quite typical situation and a difficult question. When I was your age, I was not aware of what a gender dysphoria is, although I felt it clearly. I thought it would go away, and I decided to marry and have 4 children. I am still married with the same wife and my children are grown up and they doing very well. I had a good career. I have been happy in my life so far, but I have always suffered from the dysphoria. In 2015, when the children left home, I got a severe dysphoria crisis. Therefore, since 3 years, I started HRT, it helps mentally without so visible physical so that I can still present as a male. But I do not know if I will need a full transition, and in such a case, if I would be able to keep our marriage together.

You have a difficult choice to make. It is true that dysphoria never goes away. I would tend to believe telling the truth to the one you love is better.

Pascale

[V M]

Hi Lostone 

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V M

[Rayna]

I hope you've found a lot of good information from elsewhere on the site. Many/most of us have gone through similar questions.

I am on a non-transitioning path because I want to keep my long term marriage. If I had discovered my true nature while I was in my 20's my life might have been very different. I manage my dysphoria through cross dressing, and am still discovering my true needs. So I am a work in progress.

As to your therapist -- in the US there are "psychiatrists" (medical MD) who mainly prescribe medications and don't really do therapy. That might be the kind of person you've found? Then there are "psychologists", "therapists" or "counselors" who do not have a medical degree, and who do real therapy. Maybe you need to find an additional therapist to help you?

Many people find that long term, you cannot hide this from your significant others, family and friends. It won't go away. So despite the risk to your relationship, you should be cautious about hiding it and plunging ahead into a deeper relationship and even parenthood. It just gets harder and harder to unwind all your relationships if they are based on hiding your truth.  Good luck, and we're here to help however we can.

[HappyMoni]

Welcome Lostone,
   I know you are looking for ways to cope with dysphoria with your post. I struggled with it for over 50 years and never found a way. My cure was transition. Your road is yours and I won't try to tell you whether it is right or wrong. One thing that I realize was the smartest thing I ever did was to tell my partner I had gender questions before we married. If you two do get married, don't you think it is fair to let her know beforehand. Your solution may not always be the same. My dysphoria got worse as I got older. I'm just saying think about telling her. If she loves you and you love her, do you want this secret between you? Anyway, good luck!
Monica

[Virginia]

Tai Chi, Yoga, Meditation; the change must come from within.

[ChrissyRyan]

I am not sure there is any long lasting solution to non-transitioning except through counseling to help gain clarity, peace of mind, suppress any guilt, to understand how you think and feel about gender, and why you are ready or not ready to take the next positive steps.  I suppose there is also the possibility of getting comfortable with not taking any more steps or even detransitioning.

As a straight male who used to simply crossdress 15-20 years ago but now I am beyond that, I realize that I am both male and female.  At this point, I am genderfluid.  I have noticed that I have been leaning more and more feminine, but still liking my male aspects and life.  So will I just be perhaps a more feminine man, or a future sometimes masculine woman in my mind and life?  I do not know.  We will see.

I love the feminine hairstyle I finally had the courage to have.  I can still brush it to present as a man though, but if I do not pay close attention to how it grows and is trimmed, I will have trouble being able to have a possible male hair look going forward without much more fussing with it.

My therapist noticed my hair and we talked about that and further transitioning and my feelings.
I told her that I want to take things slow still and see if my female feelings grow but for now being both male and female is fine.  Somedays I wished that I was fulltime though or much further along and the feelings are so intense that it interferes with my getting things done well that need to get done on those days.  This I know is hard for many normative people to understand.  It just happens. 

Chrissy

[Alice V]

Do you really need it? I just wanna make it clear - you going to sacrifice yourself for your marriage, and if you will decide to undo it later you will be tied with wife and probably children. I mean, you live one life, why should you live it like that? You probably can find another job, make yourself more stable in financial matter and do what you need to become yourself.

If you still wanna do it, then, I suppose, therapist is your best bet because you'll probably will be in constant depression when not busy with something.

[BeckyCNJ]

Hi Lostone,

I'm in my early 60s and haven't transitioned so I'll offer my experience as one perspective.

As my girlfriend and I started getting serious and it looked as if marriage was in the future, I told her I was transgender. This was 1980 and I didn't use that word since I didn't know it yet, but I made clear to her that from my earliest memories I wanted to be a girl and knew I probably always would. I also told her that I didn't expect to transition. Looking back 38 years later, it was both the most difficult and best conversation I ever had. I knew I risked losing her, but I felt she had the right to know. I also knew I couldn't hide this from her if we did marry.

As for coping, that's an ongoing process. Therapy helps. I also allow myself small feminine treats such as shaving my legs and chest and growing my nails a bit longer than most males. One recent way I've found some joy is by lending my support to organizations which support transgender people such as GLAAD and the Human Rights Campaign.

Finding others who share being transgender also has helped me. It's a wonderful feeling being accepted as female from someone who is non-judgemental. Just being called "she" or "her" boosts my spirits.

I wish you the best.

Becky

[Maid Marion]

I also told my partner about my gender issues before we got married.  Trust is a huge part of a relationship.

Cross dressing was enough for me. I'd wear Victoria's Secret PJs to bed and womens' shirts to work.  I let my hair grow for a couple months before having it cut.  I found a barber who didn't mind me doing that.  She suggested things like underdressing with panties, but I just didn't feel the need to.  And she made it clear that we needed to have another talk if I were to decide that I needed to go on HRT.

Oh yeah, I have a ton of clothes.  Retail therapy.  I also spend a ton of time in the yard growing flowering plants for exercise and peace of mind.

[CandyFreedom]

I feel that not being completely open with your partner, whether it's about being transgender or any other major aspect of your life, will in the short or very long run end the marriage.  My mistake was keeping it inside and hidden, feeling like I had to, and my 27 year marriage is now ending, the trust on both sides irreparably damaged.  I met someone new, and 100% honesty is our motto.  I'm in a discovery phase, dressing in private and around my family and support group.  My new love is having terrible difficulty accepting me dressing/expressing as a woman, she's simply not attracted to women.  I've made it clear, and she agrees, that I have to be myself even if it means losing the intimate part of our relationship.  I've never met anyone like her, she's magic and loves me so much, so this is very very difficult.  But I'm tired of not being myself, and I haven't come this far to hide myself ever again.  I've lived the repercussions of repression, including addiction to alcohol (I'm sober 9 months). I think my advice is to simply be completely honest with yourself and your loved ones. It's hard and I struggle with it every day. I'm hoping that my integrity and peace of mind will help get me through the mess I'm creating to a fulfilling place in the future.

[JoanneB]

I found there is no good way to "Cope" with it. Bury and drown in the adult beverage of your choice. Add in plenty of Diversions, Distractions, and a touch of Denial, what I call the 3D's. Wish for a quick painless death.

If you "Indulge" yourself occasionally, your partner is bound to find out. A combination of being sloppy over time and perhaps a latent wish that if they "Discover" the deep dark secret everything will be cool. Maybe even better then cool. That fairy tale generally does not have a happy ending Add in your assessment  of your partner telling her up front is not going to work either.

Only you can answer... Which Pain is Worse?

[Athenajacob]

Do you really need it? I just wanna make it clear - you going to sacrifice yourself for your marriage, and if you will decide to undo it later you will be tied with wife and probably children. I mean, you live one life, why should you live it like that? You probably can find another job, make yourself more stable in financial matter and do what you need to become yourself.

If you still wanna do it, then, I suppose, therapist is your best bet because you'll probably will be in constant depression when not busy with something.

My advice, having married a cisgender woman and having fathered a child with her without fully disclosing it prior to the marriage. Do it. If she dumps you so be it, even if you never transition you should seek out a relationship with someone who will accept you whether you do or do not transition. They are actually apparently out there!

If you cannot tell her think about why; I know you are probably lonely and afraid of rejection--well let me tell you, if you end up later deciding you want to transition or even that you just want to discuss transitioning with her and she is your wife--you will likely suffer from her unique realization process that could range from anger, to rejection, to mourning the death or potential death of her husband.

Feel free to PM me if you are still in this situation--I may be able to offer some insight, not about whether to transition or not, but how to start talking to therapists about your situation--I highly recommend you do that and that you try and find a therapist who understands gender issues but who will not try and push you to transition or not transition.

Hope you are well, and Godspeed to you.

[Chloe]

. . .
my therapist isn't very helpful outside prescribing meds either.

So for those of you who didn't transition; how do you cope?

*sigh* lostone born in '92 hasn't logged in since original 1st posting . . . For the record am very against any form of prescribed *psycho-drugs* feel HRT, despite all the scare tactics, is one of the most innocuous, least harmful things that one could do.

[Athenajacob]

I can only hope she is viewing as a guest... or will someday login...