I think I'm transgender.

[Nichole Kunis]

Hello, I'm 35 MTF. Been crossdressing in secret since around 10 yo. It became what I called a fetish that I hide. Ive been able to somewhat keep myself balanced through the years, until recently. The thing is, and I am not complaining, but I met my wonderfully amazing SO 7 years ago, and we are to be wedd in 3 weeks, and now,  jus now...I've confided in her that hrt is something I do what to pursue. Why did I jus tell her, well because somehow I jus came to this conclusion myself, I told her that I am still discovering myself. She is ok with the crossdressing, but hrt not so much...and that has to do with the fact that we have Several kids, for one thing. She seems to see the kids as being the biggest problem, and I guess she is right...she asked me if I was going to want the kids to call me mom ? I said no, that would be too confusing...    So, anyway she is not real happy with me wanting to do hrt, but she said I am her best friend and that she loved me and that she would stand by me, and so I was Super relieved, cause at first, it sounded like she was going to possibly call off the wedding, and I surely don't want that. It's the craziest thing to tell her right before the wedding, but I am jus all the sudden seeing things a lil different. I suspect that, part of it is that, now I have the security of a wedding with a beautiful woman, I feel free to be myself more, and the other part is,.... regret. I fear that I will regret not doing this when I'm too old. I was saying, I can wait till after the kids are all grown up and I'm retired and all that, but dam, I'll be almost 50 yo by then ! I'll surely be bald by then. I jus realized that I can't wait that long. I have registration papers for an informed consent doc. Office, that I am filling out tomorrow, and I'm setting up an appointment for hrt. I don't know what I'm going to do, as far as parenting and work and jus life in general, but I can't wait any longer...I now believe the stress, anger, anxiety and depression I've been dealing with is from being trans. Everything points to hrt now, I have to at least try it for three months and see how it feels. I really feel like it is the answer. Any advice would be appreciated. Guess I'm jus interested in hearing from someone whom had a similar experience..
Anxiously Excited Nichole.

[Northern Star Girl]

@Nichole Kunis
Dear Nichole:
I am most pleased that you had decided to join the site.
Thank you for writing your first posting.... other members will be along to offer their thoughts and comments in response to your specific questions and concerns..

Thank you for posting your thoughts here on this thread. 

This is the right place for you to be to find out what others have done regarding your transition journey that may have been in your circumstances and with your questions and concerns.
    There are a lot of members here that will be able to identify with your situation as you continue to feel free to share it.

    Please allow me to warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place. 
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.

    As you are certainly aware you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
     ***It's a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new friends here. 

    Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.
I have included information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.   
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle

Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)	Cautionary Note
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy	Membership Agreement

[Northern Star Girl]

 
@Nichole Kunis
Oh, and another thing Nichole:
Please find your way to the  Introductions Forum and write a much more brief introduction post and summary about yourself and your needs so that more members here on the Susan's Place forums will be aware of your arrival and therefore you may obtain more responses and information that you might be looking for.

Enjoy your time here on the Forums, I trust that you will find this an enjoyable and informative experience.
Best wishes to you.... and again, Welcome to Susan's Place
Danielle

[Sonja]

@Nichole Kunis

Hi Nichole,

Well I think its safe to say you're definitely transgender because cis people don't contemplate this for as long as you have and take measures like you did.
I'm 42 and just about to start on hrt having come out to my wife a few months ago.

If you believe you have what it takes to keep your wife and kids together then I can't see why you wouldn't start on hrt now rather than later, after all there are ways to blend in over time while everyone around you gets used to the small changes, and there are ways to stealth some of the changes if needs be too. There are actually many options open to you along the hrt route. Plus you already have children so you don't need to worry about becoming infertile.

Wedding in 3 weeks! Exciting!!

Take care,

Sonja.

[Kirsteneklund7]

Hello, I'm 35 MTF. Been crossdressing in secret since around 10 yo. It became what I called a fetish that I hide. Ive been able to somewhat keep myself balanced through the years, until recently. The thing is, and I am not complaining, but I met my wonderfully amazing SO 7 years ago, and we are to be wedd in 3 weeks, and now,  jus now...I've confided in her that hrt is something I do what to pursue. Why did I jus tell her, well because somehow I jus came to this conclusion myself, I told her that I am still discovering myself. She is ok with the crossdressing, but hrt not so much...and that has to do with the fact that we have Several kids, for one thing. She seems to see the kids as being the biggest problem, and I guess she is right...she asked me if I was going to want the kids to call me mom ? I said no, that would be too confusing...    So, anyway she is not real happy with me wanting to do hrt, but she said I am her best friend and that she loved me and that she would stand by me, and so I was Super relieved, cause at first, it sounded like she was going to possibly call off the wedding, and I surely don't want that. It's the craziest thing to tell her right before the wedding, but I am jus all the sudden seeing things a lil different. I suspect that, part of it is that, now I have the security of a wedding with a beautiful woman, I feel free to be myself more, and the other part is,.... regret. I fear that I will regret not doing this when I'm too old. I was saying, I can wait till after the kids are all grown up and I'm retired and all that, but dam, I'll be almost 50 yo by then ! I'll surely be bald by then. I jus realized that I can't wait that long. I have registration papers for an informed consent doc. Office, that I am filling out tomorrow, and I'm setting up an appointment for hrt. I don't know what I'm going to do, as far as parenting and work and jus life in general, but I can't wait any longer...I now believe the stress, anger, anxiety and depression I've been dealing with is from being trans. Everything points to hrt now, I have to at least try it for three months and see how it feels. I really feel like it is the answer. Any advice would be appreciated. Guess I'm jus interested in hearing from someone whom had a similar experience..
Anxiously Excited Nichole.

Hi Nichole,
               Yes HRT will feminize you but it won't make you do anything you dont want to. There is no reason why you can't still be dad. Getting on HRT before balding is probably a good idea. HRT will also take away fear and trepidation of living on estrogen for both of you. It will definitely remove the regret of,"why didn't I do this before I was 50 and bald.

HRT also doesn't equal transition but it can if you want it to.

I am a father to 2 boys 10 and 8 and my hormone profile is that of a young woman. I'm so glad I started HRT it allows me to get on with my life, be a good parent/husband & deal with my transgender issues. I first trialled HRT when I was 46 - now I'm 49 - and I have a very full head of hair! I also have b-cup breasts which I hide at work but love them as well.
    HRT can be easily be trialed under medical supervision(of course ) and it can be stopped if necessary- there isnt a lot of downside if you are trans!

      Check out my posts if you want to view my experience,
                                                                                      Kindest regards, Kirsten.

[pamelatransuk]

Hello Nichole

I agree with you and Kirsten. There is no point in waiting. HRT should provide the "proof" you may need for yourself but I agree with Sonja that you are likely to be transgender.

I wish you every happiness for your wedding and starting HRT and I hope your wife to be understands your need for HRT soon.

Hugs

Pamela

[Nichole Kunis]

Thanks for the kind responses, I do really think I'm ready for hrt,  Ive been dressing up more and more over the last few years as my SO has become more and more open to it. Ive always had deep regret, and shame hit me hard right after I would cum, which confused me for sure, cause I thought, that was my true feeling, I thought if I can jus keep from getting aroused, I could keep these crazy thoughts at Bay, I usually cum once every morning first thing (twice lately) then at least once in the afternoon. Strangely I've noticed that after I cum now, I don't feel so ashamed, and I actually keep the girls clothes on.. sometimes if I can.....which is weird for me, and new. It's like my subconscious is now more ok with it....jus like the other day my SO asked something about if I cared about other people knowing, and I told her that, only her opinion matters, and if she is ok, then I'm good. Another thing I jus realized is that, right now I'm into crossdressing and girls sexually ( not gay, as I keep repeating to my SO) and so, what will happen when I'm on hrt ? Will crossdressing alone still get me ...off ? If not what will ? I used to tell my SO that this was jus a fantasy, and that," the thing with a fantasy is that, once it becomes real, it's no longer desirable"....so when she would ask if I wanted to become a woman , I would say confidently, " no I don't want to be a woman full time, this is jus a fantasy or fetish" and I honestly believed that untill recently......

[Sonja]

Thanks for the kind responses, I do really think I'm ready for hrt,  Ive been dressing up more and more over the last few years as my SO has become more and more open to it. Ive always had deep regret, and shame hit me hard right after I would cum, which confused me for sure, cause I thought, that was my true feeling, I thought if I can jus keep from getting aroused, I could keep these crazy thoughts at Bay, I usually cum once every morning first thing (twice lately) then at least once in the afternoon. Strangely I've noticed that after I cum now, I don't feel so ashamed, and I actually keep the girls clothes on.. sometimes if I can.....which is weird for me, and new. It's like my subconscious is now more ok with it....jus like the other day my SO asked something about if I cared about other people knowing, and I told her that, only her opinion matters, and if she is ok, then I'm good. Another thing I jus realized is that, right now I'm into crossdressing and girls sexually ( not gay, as I keep repeating to my SO) and so, what will happen when I'm on hrt ? Will crossdressing alone still get me ...off ? If not what will ? I used to tell my SO that this was jus a fantasy, and that," the thing with a fantasy is that, once it becomes real, it's no longer desirable"....so when she would ask if I wanted to become a woman , I would say confidently, " no I don't want to be a woman full time, this is jus a fantasy or fetish" and I honestly believed that untill recently......

@Nichole Kunis

Hi Nichole,

Its very important to think carefully about your life as it would be as a woman - without the clothes and makeup, and without sexual gratification. I say this because your second post is quite focused on these aspects, but now I'm curious and I'd like to ask you, What do you consider all the facets of being a woman to be?
How do you identify with woman? I'm not trying to analyze or anything just wanting to get to know you more.

For example, I have many more girl friends than guys, I'm always more comfortable and more interested in talking in the groups of girls at parties or gatherings, I have a fairly feminine outlook and a number of characteristics and mannerisms that are labelled feminine and have been with me naturally since I was a child. I haven't tried to coerce myself into being more feminine by adopting character changes before I feel them naturally appearing - and some of them were definitely suppressed and are coming back out. Dressing, makeup and all those other things are really just embellishment on top of the real woman that is me without them.

Food for thought,

Sonja.

[Nichole Kunis]

@Nichole Kunis

Hi Nichole,

Its very important to think carefully about your life as it would be as a woman - without the clothes and makeup, and without sexual gratification. I say this because your second post is quite focused on these aspects, but now I'm curious and I'd like to ask you, What do you consider all the facets of being a woman to be?
How do you identify with woman? I'm not trying to analyze or anything just wanting to get to know you more.

For example, I have many more girl friends than guys, I'm always more comfortable and more interested in talking in the groups of girls at parties or gatherings, I have a fairly feminine outlook and a number of characteristics and mannerisms that are labelled feminine and have been with me naturally since I was a child. I haven't tried to coerce myself into being more feminine by adopting character changes before I feel them naturally appearing - and some of them were definitely suppressed and are coming back out. Dressing, makeup and all those other things are really just embellishment on top of the real woman that is me without them.

Food for thought,

Sonja.

Ok, well, thanks again for you're response and thanks for taking interest enough to ask me questions. Well, facets of a woman to me are mainly the body, that I don't have, and feminism, which I've suppressed so much for so  long that I'm not sure how fem I really am. How do I identity with women ? Again I'm not sure, cause I've spent my life trying to Not see such things..I guess I thought ignorance was bliss...and I can't relate to ur example very much unfortunately......I am socially awkward, or I have social anxiety, and so, I get Super nervous around girls, so I have mostly guy friends. I am not into alot of typical guy things like sports or football....but most things I'm into are mostly guy things, I grew up in construction, and so I'm a carpenter, it's my job and a hobby...so I usually build stuff with power tools in my spare time.i feel like I do have a feminine outlook, but I don't outwardly display feminine characteristics, but again I believe that I've been suppressing any feminine attributes that I may have once displayed....does that make sense ? Anybody in this boat ? Thanks again ....oh also I should add that, even though I spend most of my time with guys, doing guy things. I do feel and believe that I don't think like a guy, I'm the odd one, I've always been Different. I'm OCD about certain things, I'm what could be called "anal" about how and where I do thing's....I'm also a perfectionist, who can never find a middle ground, I'm always reaching for an unrealistic level of perfection. I have anger issues, (alot of issues, I know lol) and a  lack of patience. When I get mad, it takes some time for it to pass, I get frustrated easily sometimes, I used to think it was my diet cause I'm  vegetarian and I get hungry and with it comes being irrationaly irritated...I now think it is the testeosterone that does this to me, I think I have too much testosterone, I get frustrated so easily sometimes. Feel like subconsciously I am unhappy presenting as male, and it's adding up, and getting to me... I thought dressing up occasionaly would satisfy my urges and make me happy, but I need more and more as time passes it seems... please tell me what u think

[Maid Marion]

I'd suggest counseling to help sort things out.  Social anxiety issues certainly complicate matters.  Transitioning makes it harder to socialize, as it adds a whole layer of issues on top of everything.  You may want to get that sorted out before adding hormones into the mix.

[Nichole Kunis]

I should also add that in my pursuit of happiness, when in fem mode I would sometimes smoke girly cigarettes (and never been a smoker in guy mode) and do other cringe worthy things that are ...well jus crazy ...I do it because they seem to be feminine to me. Last month I got a P.A. piercing so my SO can put me in permanent chastity ( don't regret that one though). This is also why I want to try hrt I feel like a slave to testosterone...I told my SO that I waste way too much time dressing up, undressing, hiding.... doing chores to feel feminine. I mean doing everything feminine that I can think of, I play with anal toys, not because it feels good, but because it's erotic and perceived by me as being a feminine thing to do....crazy huh ...I take things to extremes, I know no bounds, when I do something, I do it all the way to the max...lol

[AnneK]

Ive always had deep regret, and shame hit me hard right after I would cum

That's a very common feeling and one I had too, until I accepted I was trans.  Once you get past that point, your life will improve and hormones may help.  Also, there are therapists who help couples get over these issues, without trying to "cure" you.

[Sonja]

@Nichole Kunis

Hey Nichole,

Thank you for sharing and being so open. I think if you read up on a lot of peoples introductions ( look through peoples posts and go right to the first or there abouts ) you will find various similarities to some of the things you've been feeling and going through.  However I really should point out as you might already know that HRT comes with a few risks, like possible erectile dysfunction and a possible lack of sex drive (girls on susans have also said it comes and goes through different cycles) - some of the girls here can no longer and that might not be an issue unless your in a relationship with a women who still wants that to continue. DVT, deep vein thrombosis, breast cancer and various other heightened health risks also come with hrt as you have no doubt been told. I can understand your character is the type of person to take things to the extreme to really feel the full effect of something but there are permanent side effects to hrt that you really want to be sure of before you start - that you are transgender and that your going to change from male to female or something in between   - IE non-binary etc)  Chastity and stuff like that has generally come from a fetish background - I should point out the health risks of hrt are not worth it if this is where you think you might be coming from.

I think what Maid Marion said above is really worth considering also - hrt can help with physical and physiological side of things but there is also a social stigma for transgender people that can impact your social anxiety - I really think it is worth having some professional support setup to help you deal with it because sometimes If a relationship doesn't work out and you've placed all your trust and hope in one person - your world might coming crashing down spectacularly...

I understand fully your desire to start getting things done now while your younger so, have you considered taking finasteride for your hair while your still coming to terms with being transgender and exploring if you want to transition?   There are lots of things on the menu but we don't have to order them all, my voice for example - I have no intention at this point of changing it, its not deep, it not high but I've decided I'm keeping it, no doubt this will out me but I don't care if it does.

Hope this helps, take care,

Sonja.

[gracefulhat]

Hello, I'm 35 MTF. Been crossdressing in secret since around 10 yo. It became what I called a fetish that I hide. Ive been able to somewhat keep myself balanced through the years, until recently. The thing is, and I am not complaining, but I met my wonderfully amazing SO 7 years ago, and we are to be wedd in 3 weeks, and now,  jus now...I've confided in her that hrt is something I do what to pursue. Why did I jus tell her, well because somehow I jus came to this conclusion myself, I told her that I am still discovering myself. She is ok with the crossdressing, but hrt not so much...and that has to do with the fact that we have Several kids, for one thing. She seems to see the kids as being the biggest problem, and I guess she is right...she asked me if I was going to want the kids to call me mom ? I said no, that would be too confusing...    So, anyway she is not real happy with me wanting to do hrt, but she said I am her best friend and that she loved me and that she would stand by me, and so I was Super relieved, cause at first, it sounded like she was going to possibly call off the wedding, and I surely don't want that. It's the craziest thing to tell her right before the wedding, but I am jus all the sudden seeing things a lil different. I suspect that, part of it is that, now I have the security of a wedding with a beautiful woman, I feel free to be myself more, and the other part is,.... regret. I fear that I will regret not doing this when I'm too old. I was saying, I can wait till after the kids are all grown up and I'm retired and all that, but dam, I'll be almost 50 yo by then ! I'll surely be bald by then. I jus realized that I can't wait that long. I have registration papers for an informed consent doc. Office, that I am filling out tomorrow, and I'm setting up an appointment for hrt. I don't know what I'm going to do, as far as parenting and work and jus life in general, but I can't wait any longer...I now believe the stress, anger, anxiety and depression I've been dealing with is from being trans. Everything points to hrt now, I have to at least try it for three months and see how it feels. I really feel like it is the answer. Any advice would be appreciated. Guess I'm jus interested in hearing from someone whom had a similar experience..
Anxiously Excited Nichole.

Nichole! Thanks for posting. I too am 35 years old (one week shy of 36 years old) and everything you wrote I can relate to. Our only differences seem that I have been married without children for 14 years. I have been on HRT for 10 weeks and can tell you that for me the psychological changes have been phenomenal. You mentioned you are getting married which is a stressful event. I went through alot of stress this year too, which exasperated my dysphoria. Until now I have always been able to control it, but maybe it's our age that now makes it harder to keep in the closet.

[Kirsteneklund7]

Hi again Nichole

It is always interesting to break the mental feedback loop we all experience as males running on full androgens.
I don't know the correct medical term but descriptions include mojo, your fantasy, essence ect.
This psychosexual feedback loop creates desire, that creates physical response, that feeds mental response that feeds desire.
Most people running on full male androgens spend a lot of time throughout their life thinking about sex & associated relationships.
Beginning HRT with androgen blocker and estrogen will shut down this feedback loop. It really is a different frame of mind. I believe it is the frame of mind most natal females experience.
The change in mindset provides a golden opportunity for reassessment of one's life in general and a more objective way of figuring out the way forward.
The way forward could involve eliminating androgen blocker and enjoying a higher libido while running on estrogen.
The prescription and adjustments need to be managed via a qualified MD otherwise more harm than good can result.
I have personally tried this and my life is very good on a typical female hormone profile. (including androgen blocker)
  Wishing you the best with whatever path you decide,
                    Kirsten

[Nichole Kunis]

Well I now have an appointment at an informed consent doc, that my insurance covers. , so here goes....

[Sonja]

@Nichole Kunis

Hi Nichole,

Good luck with your appointment, let us know how you get on so we can share in your excitement!

Best wishes,

Sonja.

[Nichole Kunis]

Thanks for the kind comments again, it's so nice to find that I'm not the only one going through this. My appointment was rescheduled for the 31 of this month ! Halloween......so very excited ! I will keep u ladies updated, I guess when I do I should make a new post....? In what department of this forum Should I use for that I wonder....and how do I upload a selfie on here ? Also I've got one more good question, I am preparing for an eventual coming out & transition, and now I'm seeing my current job as being a very difficult place to be in transition.....I am really hoping I can find a job where I can work at home, telemarketing or internet commerce related, I've done a lot of work with eBay, but I need something more secure and dependable... Please share if u have any ideas.. thanks again, really appreciate it.

[Sonja]

Thanks for the kind comments again, it's so nice to find that I'm not the only one going through this. My appointment was rescheduled for the 31 of this month ! Halloween......so very excited ! I will keep u ladies updated, I guess when I do I should make a new post....? In what department of this forum Should I use for that I wonder....and how do I upload a selfie on here ? Also I've got one more good question, I am preparing for an eventual coming out & transition, and now I'm seeing my current job as being a very difficult place to be in transition.....I am really hoping I can find a job where I can work at home, telemarketing or internet commerce related, I've done a lot of work with eBay, but I need something more secure and dependable... Please share if u have any ideas.. thanks again, really appreciate it.

@Nichole Kunis

Hey Nichole,  you need to upload images to some other site like imgur  - and when you do it can give you various link code, you need the bb code which you then paste into posts on Susans. Susans does have a gallery but it doesn't get used much. Also you'll be able upload an avatar pic after 10? posts or 15 or something like that.
Some ppl start a thread blog of sorts and keep that going, I personally find they can be detrimental as it seems to trap people when they post to it but don't get the visitors they hope for to share in their new news (and they get upset or depressed from it) so on that note I find it best to post to the main well used threads which you'll notice keep popping up. For your hrt and other updates - just post to the fabulous thread - itll be fine. For transitioning pics find the before and after thread, and if you're interested there is a 'do you think I pass' thread - which is really more about getting positive feedback on things you could do to look more like where you're heading etc.

Jobs wise, you could do -
counseling work for youth or transgender people etc ( very open minded working at those sorts of places).
retail - I went to a large 4 level store the other day, 95% womens clothing and 90% of the staff were all male and transgender female.
computer - coding, design, graphics, modelling etc there are heaps of websites setup with jobs that you simply bid on for that type of stuff.
website support.
something creative you could do at home to sell online or elsewhere.

Hope this helps,

Sonja.

[Nichole Kunis]

Well, first appointment went great, they were super friendly. The doctor said if my blood work comes back good, then I may get a prescription on the second appointment, scheduled in 29 days...Soo very excited.