Looking for advice

[Shennae]

Good evening all,

In my last post, about a month ago, I reported that my therapist told me that I was definitely trans. And I have accepted that. You may recall that the following Monday I shared this news with my wife. She didn't understand being trans and she admitted that. Since that time I have asked her to go to a therapist session with me so she could ask her own questions to hopefully better understand what it is all about. Since that time we have gone to a marriage counselor and my wife asked a couple of questions stating that she didn't understand how I could be trans.

Fast forward to now. She is at the point where she believes that I am not trans. There's no way that is me she continually says. I try to talk to her about it but she still insists that by going on sites like this and talking with others I am becoming more and more confused.

She asked me what I really wanted to do. Work on our marriage or become a woman and lose her. Deep down I would like her to come to realize that this is who I am and I can't change that. And not right at the moment but I do want to transition. My therapist will write me the referral to get HRT. The thing is, we just bought a house back in June. And if we separated say the first of the year, I don't know what to do with the house. I would also have to quit my job because in my job, they are not very trans friendly and won't be anytime soon. That being said, I would lose my income. If I had the income to retire now I would and begin transitioning. But I do not have the resources so I gotta be careful.

My questions are these. What would be the best thing to do with the house? It is in both of our names. Also, what kinds of jobs can a person do while transitioning to earn money to continue down the transition path? I am 60 yo, 6 1/2 years from full retirement. I realize that I would need to move to a new community and I'm ok with that. As far as my marriage of over 30 years, if my wife won't accept me as trans and wanting to transition into a female am I better off divorcing her and moving on with my life as a woman?

Please feel free to chime in on this. Your advice is greatly appreciated!

Hugs
Shennae

[CindyLouFromCO]

I don't think anyone can answer your question about your house.  That is something you will need to figure out after you figure out if you want to transition or not and if your wife is staying with you or not.  Ask a lawyer.

Your job should not stop you from transitioning.  Women work in all industries so I don't understand why being your self is a problem with your job.

I don't know why you would need to move to a new community?

If you are a female then she already knows you as one.  Transgender people transition to match their outside with their inside.

I would recommend seeing another therapist for the both of you if you want to stay married.  It sounds like marriage consoling is needed. 

Either way you and her should probably see a therapist that is not your transgender therapist.  I would make sure the therapist does have gender therapy qualifications though along with relational therapy qualifications.  Most therapist do these days.  Not "Transgender" but "gender."

Remember you normally don't transition to become female.  If you are transitioning you probably already are female.

[Linde]

If I could do it over again, I would have done everything to save my marriage, even forgetting about anything trans!
Work with your wife on this if you love her, and go as slow in your transition as you possibly can to make sure that you can safe your marriage!

[Jessica]

Shennae, I'm 63, retired and have been married for 37 years to the love of my life.  I struggle with the balance between genders with my wife.  She has her needs and I try to be her spouse and love so that we are happy.  She is still sorting it all out, and I see that likely our marriage will survive.  Being on HRT now for nearly 16 months have made physical changes that are real, and she notices, which has her concerned.  I address that concern by wearing androgynous clothing that makes it not so noticeable.  My wife has gone through menopause so sex hasn't been on her mind, which makes things a bit easier.

I also find merit in Cindy Lou's comment that if you are transitioning, you probably are female.

Good luck hon, keep us updated.
Hugs and smiles from a California girl

[warlockmaker]

I am now 70. I remain married to my wife who is 45,  but we are companions only and care for each other,  but we lead seperate lives and live in different places that are owned by the family. We have a 17 year old daughter, who lives with her and  we talk almost daily and visit each other often. I also run a foundation to help Asian Tgs. I must be a honest, few mtf marriages from my experience, survive this change.

There are many levels of acceptable transition, and not having GRS increases your odds or having GRS but staying in the closet increases the odds.  But will you be able to accept this level of transition? There are many cases in this forum that have maintained their relationship with full transition,  so hopefully you could be one of them. I am sure many others will give you the best advise, if you feel your love is strong enough. Good luck.

[Devlyn]

Good evening all,

In my last post, about a month ago, I reported that my therapist told me that I was definitely trans. And I have accepted that. You may recall that the following Monday I shared this news with my wife. She didn't understand being trans and she admitted that. Since that time I have asked her to go to a therapist session with me so she could ask her own questions to hopefully better understand what it is all about. Since that time we have gone to a marriage counselor and my wife asked a couple of questions stating that she didn't understand how I could be trans.

Fast forward to now. She is at the point where she believes that I am not trans. There's no way that is me she continually says. I try to talk to her about it but she still insists that by going on sites like this and talking with others I am becoming more and more confused.

She asked me what I really wanted to do. Work on our marriage or become a woman and lose her. Deep down I would like her to come to realize that this is who I am and I can't change that. And not right at the moment but I do want to transition. My therapist will write me the referral to get HRT. The thing is, we just bought a house back in June. And if we separated say the first of the year, I don't know what to do with the house. I would also have to quit my job because in my job, they are not very trans friendly and won't be anytime soon. That being said, I would lose my income. If I had the income to retire now I would and begin transitioning. But I do not have the resources so I gotta be careful.

My questions are these. What would be the best thing to do with the house? It is in both of our names. Also, what kinds of jobs can a person do while transitioning to earn money to continue down the transition path? I am 60 yo, 6 1/2 years from full retirement. I realize that I would need to move to a new community and I'm ok with that. As far as my marriage of over 30 years, if my wife won't accept me as trans and wanting to transition into a female am I better off divorcing her and moving on with my life as a woman?

Please feel free to chime in on this. Your advice is greatly appreciated!

Hugs
Shennae

The five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. It seems clear your wife has started the process. Work with her, give her time to process it. We frequently spend decades coming to terms with ourselves, yet expect others to "get it" immediately. Be honest and open with her.

As for the rest, I worked in weapons production, it's pretty male oriented. I transitioned on the job and had minimal issues. You never know until you try. Good luck!

Hugs, Devlyn

[KathyLauren]

What to do with the house depends on what happens with your marriage.  Make that your first priority.  The house will work itself out.  It might be painful, but the real estate details are pretty straightforward.

In an ideal world, I suspect that you would want to transition and keep your marriage.  But if she will not have that, then you have a choice to make.  It is a damned hard choice that all of us who have approached transition while married have had to make.

I got lucky.  I was 61 when I came out to my wife, and she decided to stick with me, making my life so much easier.  But I had already decided that, if she had decided to leave me, I would have accepted that, and whatever painful financial consequences that might have.  I just had to be me.  The dysphoria insisted.

Obviously YMMV.

But I think you have to give her the freedom to make her choice if you want the freedom to make yours.  And whatever happens after that happens.

Don't pre-judge your workplace or your community.  Many of us have been pleasantly surprised at favourable reactions where we didn't expect them.

In terms of what happens to the house, details may vary depending on what jurisdiction you live in, but the normal thing is that you each own half a share in the equity of the house.  So, if you split up, the house is normally sold and the proceeds split between you.  In some cases, if one partner has the resources, they may buy out the other partner's share and keep the house.  All of that may be affected by any prenuptial agreement that may exist.  If that happens, don't sweat the details: lawyers and real-estate agents deal with it all the time.

[Breeze 57]

Well Shennae:  To put it simply, it sounds like you are in the classic no-win scenerio.  I was also in a very similar position.  Just know, it is very easy to prioritize transitioning before you start, and this is understandable as your dysphoria is driving you. I know I was desperate before I started HRT and didn't place the emphasis on my marriage I should have.  That was 10 months ago and since then, my head has cleared.  The dysphoria "fog" lifted and it was just amazing.  I also realized then what a joy my wife was; unfortunately, the damage had already been done and she honestly told me she didn't envision living the rest of her life with a trans-woman.  We are still best of friends and she supports me entirely with my transition, but 2 weeks ago we separated and I moved from my hometown to a city about an hour away.  Honestly, I moved away to save my wife, kids, and brothers the "embarrassment" of having me around.  I know this is just who I am and have tried to stop the feelings of shame and disgust I used to feel: however, I also know the people in my small hometown and I have doubts as to their acceptance of me.  Anyway, I didn't want to take the chance.  Don't get me wrong, I feel so much better mentally, but the emotions are stronger now too and that amplifies the feelings of loss over my marriage, and the fact one of my kids doesn't talk to me now isn't helping.  Add into the mix I am having FFS tomorrow and the internal feeling of diving off a cliff into the unknown is looming large.  Anyway, not sure if this helps you, but know I understand what you are experiencing.

[Sarah77]

Its amazing the commonality of experience you find in topics.

My wife has often tried to tell me I'm not really trans..that I have mental health issues or I am an exhibitionist, or I do it for the danger...though she can't really believe any of those reasons as my dream is to be anonymous...the woman who is just ordinary and one of the crowd.

[Sarah77]

Well Shennae:  To put it simply, it sounds like you are in the classic no-win scenerio.  I was also in a very similar position.  Just know, it is very easy to prioritize transitioning before you start, and this is understandable as your dysphoria is driving you. I know I was desperate before I started HRT and didn't place the emphasis on my marriage I should have.  That was 10 months ago and since then, my head has cleared.  The dysphoria "fog" lifted and it was just amazing.  I also realized then what a joy my wife was; unfortunately, the damage had already been done and she honestly told me she didn't envision living the rest of her life with a trans-woman.  We are still best of friends and she supports me entirely with my transition, but 2 weeks ago we separated and I moved from my hometown to a city about an hour away.  Honestly, I moved away to save my wife, kids, and brothers the "embarrassment" of having me around.  I know this is just who I am and have tried to stop the feelings of shame and disgust I used to feel: however, I also know the people in my small hometown and I have doubts as to their acceptance of me.  Anyway, I didn't want to take the chance.  Don't get me wrong, I feel so much better mentally, but the emotions are stronger now too and that amplifies the feelings of loss over my marriage, and the fact one of my kids doesn't talk to me now isn't helping.  Add into the mix I am having FFS tomorrow and the internal feeling of diving off a cliff into the unknown is looming large.  Anyway, not sure if this helps you, but know I understand what you are experiencing.

I'm sorry to hear about tge situation with your child not speaking to you
I hope that heals

[Breeze 57]

Thanks Sarah77.  I was hoping to hear from her tonight before the surgery, maybe a good luck wish or something, but it's after 9:00PM now so odds are I won't.  I think I'll send her a text and tell her I love her.

Oh, and I forgot to mention it Shennae, I'm 58.

[Coffeedrew]

Remember you normally don't transition to become female.  If you are transitioning you probably already are female.

I feel like a woman on the inside, and I want to transition to match it on the outside. I also want to be socially accepted as a woman even if I can/cannot transition the way I want to. I will always be a woman at heart even if I look different on the outside, and nobody can take that away from me. I am a woman and I accept myself even if my family/friends reject me. I am fully aware of the consequences and risks associated with this.I accept I was born this way and I cannot be changed. I am a woman and that is who I am, but most importantly, I am human.

Love, Coffeedrew.

[Shennae]

Thank you all for the many responses. Sorry I haven't responded earlier. Had a lot going on. Better late than never I guess. Anyhow, CindyLou, I should have said I want to transition to be the woman I am, not to become the woman I want to be. Like you said, if I am going to transition it means that I am already a female. And I strongly believe that for sure. Thanks for clarifying that.

I truly am a woman on the inside and want to match that on the outside. Hope I said that correctly. As my therapist said, I identify my gender as female. That's her assessment and my feeling too.

Right now I am going to take things one day at a time and continue to work toward solutions about our house, our marriage, and the financial end of things. Hopefully I can begin transitioning sometime early next year. I'll keep you all informed how things are progressing.

Thanks for listening and responding.

Hugs!!!
Shennae

[Alice (nym)]

It is very tough. I am fortunate enough that I told my wife before we married. So she knew who I was and as such it wasn't a big surprise for her. However, she didn't take it well.

We've had about 3 big talks... there was anger, depression, and now a kind of acceptance. It is not perfect but right now we are closer than we have ever been since the last 8 years. We are at least hugging a lot now. How much this is genuine and how much this is her being calculating and trying to convince me not to transition... I don't know. But we had the bargaining stage on Friday.

Can I transition and remain dressed as male and present as male?  Do I love her enough not to transition?  etc.

And she blames the first meeting I had at the local trans group. She thinks if I hadn't gone then I would not want to be a woman anymore. She doesn't like me attending but she doesn't stop me. I think she is divided because she can see I come back happy and in a good mood... even better than after a long hike in the hills. So she is reaping the benefits of me going.

You need to ask yourself if you want to make your marriage work or not. If you do, then you need to make sure that she sees the benefits of you transitioning. She needs to see you more happy and more helpful around the house. And lots of hugs... LOTS OF HUGS... you need to give her reassurance that things are going to be better if you can be your true self.

I tried to explain that my wife had married a woman and the person who she doesn't like is when I am trying to be a man. But she didn't understand that, so I never pushed it.

As for the house... work on the marriage first... you don't need to worry about that unless the marriage fails.

As for work... don't quit. Wait until they do something to try and make you quit and then do them for constructive dismissal. If you are going to leave anyway... might as well leave with a bonus. You will find it difficult to get a new job at the age of 60 unless you've got some sort of trade that you can start your own business. So I wouldn't quit.

Good luck

love
Alice

[CarlyMcx]

I didn't think I was trans.  I spent ten years fighting high blood pressure and panic attacks with everything my doctor and I had before I learned almost by accident that wearing women's clothing would stop a panic attack and reset everything to normal, including my blood pressure.

It took another year to convince my wife and myself that I needed therapy and hormones or I was  facing a choice between being tranquilizer addicted and housebound, or dying in middle age from something stress related.

I don't know how able you are to continue to function as male.  I just reached a point where I couldn't any more.

My wife and I are still together because she knows I need this to be healthy and happy.  And now she takes pride in telling others that I am healthy and happy and that she and I have a much better relationship.

So I think the big question at 60 is (bear in mind I got diagnosed at 53 and I am now 56) will transitioning give you a positive health outcome and a better outlook on life?

[Shennae]

Carly, thanks for the response. I feel you are correct in me trying to figure out if transitioning with bring about a positive health outcome as well as my outlook on life. Right now I would say yes to both. But like you, my wife and I would need to figure out if I really need to transition and when to start hormones. However, if I do start transitioning, I'm 99.9 % sure our marriage of 30 + years will come to an end and then I would need to ask if that is worth it in the long run. Is that what you are saying?

Thanks hun,
Shennae

[Linde]

My marriage of 30 plus years collapsed because of my condition.  I was able to build up a decent friendship wit my ex, and she supports me pretty well.  But if I could do it over again, I would try to do everything to keep my marriage going, even if it would have been to stay a guy for the rest of my life!
But everybody has to decide this on his own!

[CarlyMcx]

Carly, thanks for the response. I feel you are correct in me trying to figure out if transitioning with bring about a positive health outcome as well as my outlook on life. Right now I would say yes to both. But like you, my wife and I would need to figure out if I really need to transition and when to start hormones. However, if I do start transitioning, I'm 99.9 % sure our marriage of 30 + years will come to an end and then I would need to ask if that is worth it in the long run. Is that what you are saying?

Thanks hun,
Shennae

I was afraid of losing my marriage too.  My wife told me she married a man, and still teases me about it sometimes.  She kept setting limits on my transition, and then relaxing them as she saw how it would benefit me and that no harm would come.  At the end of the day she put my health and happiness first.  She now enjoys each positive step in my transition — and she thinks it's ugly and weird when I try to wear my old male clothes.  She says she actually enjoyed seeing my true self emerge from the shell of what used to be. 

I understand that when we are of a certain age, the security of marriage has a lot of appeal, and practical advantages.  Everyone needs companionship in their golden years.  And that may be worth stopping or compromising a transition.

But if you compromise your health, there may be a lot fewer golden years to enjoy.

Lastly, remember Caitlyn Jenner's coming out interview — where she said, "I didn't want to be on my deathbed saying, 'Wow you just blew your whole life.'"

A year or two before starting transition, a guy I had known since law school unintentionally offed himself by missing a bend in the road while driving a Lamborghini at over 100 mph.

Those two things were all it took for me.

I wish you peace and happiness with whatever you decide.

Hugs, Carly