To continue my herstory...so I can finally get to the current happenings, I will pick up where I left off.
This may not be of much interest to everyone, but I do what to have my experience written down and let it escape from the tips of my fingers. Maybe there will be some people that read this and relate and it will help them! I Hope that is the case.
So My first appointment with my psychologist was amazing! I finally was able to come out as my true self to someone who understood what this whole transgender thing was! My psychologist was partners with someone years back who after several years in their relationship transitioned FTM. This allowed her a first hand experience of everything, as well as encouraged me that she would be able to understand some of the issues my wife was going through. As we have continued our sessions, I do feel like she challenges me to think outside of just myself during different steps. At the same time, she has also been able to identify some issues that I should address if I want to keep my marriage together. That is not a guarantee of course, but it is the hope!
After finally being able to accept that I was a woman, the decades of suicidal thoughts that had weighed me down literally flew of my shoulders! I could feel it physically. I had never been that free! I knew after we finished the meeting, that I was going to pursue transitioning and she said she would support me in getting to the point of starting HRT.
I was ecstatic! I had to dampen it significantly around my wife, but she noticed my mood was better than it had ever been, and the anger I had felt and expressed since we were married was gone. I gave her a summary of my first meeting, and she cried. She cried for the rest of the day, and most of the next few weeks. I unfortunately was called a great many things during that time. Her sadness was poured out on me without restraint. Although I had lived my entire life trying to make sure everyone around me was comfortable and living a happy life, I was accused of being selfish, a threat to our marriage, the potential cause for my children to be ridiculed, my wife to be judged, family to abandon us and all because I was selfish enough to want to pursue a happy life like those around me.
It was hard. If it hadn't of been for the huge burden that was lifted off me, I probably would have cracked and gave up. However, that was not the case. Everything she had said to me, I had subconsciously prepared for it seemed. I struggled with the feeling of me being selfish for a couple months, but I was genuinely not worried about the other things she had thrown at me. Our marriage was something I knew would be threatened. I found that one of the hardest things to do is tell the person you love, the person you chose to spend your life with, that you still loved them, but understand if they needed to leave you.
Thankfully my wife told me she wouldn't leave me. She has said in the past that no matter what I did she would never leave me. Even with that, I don't kid myself that she could potentially leave.
The past several months we have had several conversations about our future. She has continued to say that she feels is in a lose/lose situation. She doesn't want to be divorced, but she doesn't want to be married to a woman. The part that really bothers me is that she is very open minded and has no problem supporting transgender people, or gay rights. She hates the way society has gendered toys and colors, and has no issue with letting our children express themselves however they want. She has even told me if we had a trans child, we support them through everything. And I know she would. But it is different with me being her husband. With me transitioning, she is also being forced to transition. Her identity will change.
Eventually after hearing I was giving her a lose/lose situation, I decided to call her out on it. I told her that I was sorry I hadn't been honest with myself or her about these feelings, but I refused to be someone's lose/lose. If she couldn't continue living with me, then we would figure out a way to make things work for the kids. Whether it was coparenting or some other arrangement. I gave her some time to decide, and she has decided to work through this with me.
By no means is she fully supportive. She knows this is what I need to do, and she is willing to continue walking down this path with me. I am on HRT, and about to begin removal of my facial hair. She is still here and is actively working with me to budget out the costs for the laser removal.
I am overall happy with how things have gone, and know there are plenty of people that don't have the support I have. Before starting regular posts of current happenings, I want to go over my experiences coming out to family, work and friends.
