Okay,
So I left off with me getting my OCD and Anxiety under control. In doing this, my depression was diminished a good deal, most of the time, but still very much there all of the time.
I have never been the kind of person to stay on the surface, especially once I have addressed an issue. My goal was to get my mental health in check and then start looking into the root of the issue...my Gender Dysphoria.
One thing to mention, was that before I started medicine I told my wife that if I still felt that I had transgender feelings after reaching a good place with my medicine, that I would want to start talking, to somebody beside the therapist I had been seeing. Someone who was a specialist in the LGBTQ lifestyle. She had agreed to that. I believe one of the main reasons she agreed, was because she read several articles (can't remember by who or where) that transgender feelings can be attributed to OCD. As if the person is obsessively stuck on some idea of femininity and gets confused about their true feelings/identity. Who knows what was smoked before those articles were written!
With my anxiety in check, the only thing that really kept beating me down was depression. My wife was pregnant with our third child. Since she was so small, her belly would stop growing after about 6 to 7 months. Because of this, she had to get multiple ultrasounds with each baby. For our first and second baby we found out the sex before she delivered. Since we had one child of each sex, my wife thought it would be fun to be surprised for the third. If you gave me a scale of 1 - 10 and asked me how much I like surprises I would take the sliding counterpoise and throw that sucker as far past 1 as I could! Nevertheless I agreed to stay in the dark until the baby came.
I was 27 years old as the due date rolled closer. My daughter was due the 10th of August and my Birthday is the 15th. My wife went past her first 2 due dates, so I expected the same to happen. The depression grew stronger and stronger. I couldn't talk to my wife about my feelings, because she was stressed enough as it was, and I was stuck in the sticky mires of depression and self loathing.
I had heard of the 27 Club as I grew up. The members being celebrities like Jimi Hendricks, Janis Joplin, Kurt Cobain and Amy Winehouse who all died mainly by their own hand when they were 27. Sometime after getting married in 2010, I had decided that if I wasn't in a better place by 27, that I would join that club. The month of August began and I decided that if my wife didn't have the baby by my 28th birthday, then I would exit this would on the 14th.
This was the worst and deepest low I had ever been in. Even worse than the day locked in my bedroom. Worse, because I had a plan, a place and a note written to every member of my family.
I know everyone says that it is wrong to have favorites when it comes to children. I always say that I have a favorite oldest daughter, a favorite son, and a favorite youngest daughter. But since I am well past the stage in my life where I lie to myself, I will say without hesitation, that my youngest is my favorite. I say this, because she was born on August 3rd! She is my Angel of Life! She saved my life. After she was born, I just kept staring at her face, knowing I would never be able to do anything to hurt her. When she was a few days old and would look into my eyes, I was entranced by her innocence. She is now over a year old and and is stuck to me like velcro! She is Lacy's girl!
After this horribly close call, and the decision to find a way to banish suicide from attacking me, I talked to my psychiatrist about my need to talk to somebody about the root of my anxiety and depression. She said they had a specialist who works with the LGBTQ community and she was in the same building! She worked for the same company. However, they said she had a full patient load and wasn't taking on new patients. My psychiatrist said that since I had been going to the clinic for over a year, that she would personally talk to the psychologist about taking me on. She was more than happy to take me on, as she has a personal connection with the transgender community. She is a lesbian who had a wife transition some time ago.
I set up my first meeting. I told my wife that I was going to be talking to a psychologist about the feelings of gender dysphoria that continued. After my first meeting, the burden I had been carrying for my entire life was lifted! All dark thoughts were gone, and I haven't even had an thought contemplating suicide! To express that feeling to someone who hasn't had to fight it for decades is pretty much impossible! Even those closest to me who knew I was dealing with those ideas, still never seemed to fully grasp how releasing it is to live free from that horrible chain.
That is my history up to Januaryish of this year. I will take a break and then transcribe the more recent activity and everything that led up to me beginning HRT!
If you are still reading by this point I appreciate it!
Living Free,
Lacy
