Billie's journey

[billieco18]

Hi,

I have seen others start a thread regarding their experiences in the process of coming out as transgender or transitioning.  While I am not sure exactly where I am going with this, I have definitely accepted the fact that I need to move forward and explore this part of me that I have been avoiding for so long.  I posted for the first time in sort of "freak out mode" last week.  Since then, I have come on back down to earth and I am putting one foot in front of the other.  I owe it to myself to explore.  I don't feel I have to make any permanent decisions, and that gives me some relief.  Several women on this site offered some really great advice.  Since my first post, I have made an appt. with a gender therapist and I have confided in a friend that I am exploring the possibility that I am transgender. 

So that leads me to the past week.  During this time, I have spent way too much money on clothes and beauty products...haha.  I also have spent hours in front of the mirror trying to learn how to do my makeup.  I also bought a wig and have been practicing walking.  I have been dressing around the house when my son is with his other parent.  Fast forward to tonight.  I am sitting in Panera (I drove an hour away so as not to see anyone) having some soup and working on my computer as a woman.  I also used the women's bathroom as a woman for the first time tonight. I do think I was misgendered when I was ordering.  How anyone wearing a wig, a woman's pink long sweater, and gorgeous flats can be mistaken as a man is beyond me.  Get it right people!  People look at me a little confused and do a doubletake, but I have a feeling that may happen quite often at first for many of us.  How do you deal with that?  I was so self-conscious walking in.  Anyway, I just wanted to share some baby steps that I am taking.  I hope you all have a wonderful evening.

Warmly,

Billie

[Arianna Valentine]

Hi,

I have seen others start a thread regarding their experiences in the process of coming out as transgender or transitioning.  While I am not sure exactly where I am going with this, I have definitely accepted the fact that I need to move forward and explore this part of me that I have been avoiding for so long.  I posted for the first time in sort of "freak out mode" last week.  Since then, I have come on back down to earth and I am putting one foot in front of the other.  I owe it to myself to explore.  I don't feel I have to make any permanent decisions, and that gives me some relief.  Several women on this site offered some really great advice.  Since my first post, I have made an appt. with a gender therapist and I have confided in a friend that I am exploring the possibility that I am transgender. 

So that leads me to the past week.  During this time, I have spent way too much money on clothes and beauty products...haha.  I also have spent hours in front of the mirror trying to learn how to do my makeup.  I also bought a wig and have been practicing walking.  I have been dressing around the house when my son is with his other parent.  Fast forward to tonight.  I am sitting in Panera (I drove an hour away so as not to see anyone) having some soup and working on my computer as a woman.  I also used the women's bathroom as a woman for the first time tonight. I do think I was misgendered when I was ordering.  How anyone wearing a wig, a woman's pink long sweater, and gorgeous flats can be mistaken as a man is beyond me.  Get it right people!  People look at me a little confused and do a doubletake, but I have a feeling that may happen quite often at first for many of us.  How do you deal with that?  I was so self-conscious walking in.  Anyway, I just wanted to share some baby steps that I am taking.  I hope you all have a wonderful evening.

Warmly,

Billie

Unfortunately it does happen at times that people missgender you when they see you even if you are wearing a dress and I heels they will still call you sir I even still get that and I've been on hormones for like almost 7 months now it can get quite frustrating but once the estradiol really gets in your system the further along you get you do tend to take on a more feminine appearance rounding of the face softening of the skin and hair the best thing to do in these situations is just keep pushing forward if that is what makes you happy just keep going or because I like animated movies as Dory said and Finding Nemo just keep swimming

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[Northern Star Girl]

@billieco18
Dear Billie:
I am very glad to see that you have started your very own personal thread that will allow you to chronicle your journey, the ups, the downs, the successes, the failures, the happy moments and also your frustrations. 
Do know that we are here to rejoice with you in the good news and we are here to support you and lend you our ear and a shoulder in the not so good news.

Keeping a personal thread where you can write down what you are feeling and what you are dealing with is very good therapy.   It gives you an opportunity to mentally process your feelings and to try to formulate positive solutions to any issues that you are experiencing. 

In addition to my personal thread, I also keep a more private pen and paper journal (complete with colorful doodling) where I can write down more personal stuff that is for my eyes only....   again, very good personal therapy.  There are times that I will just sit down and read over my past writings... it gives me a chance to review my mistakes, my successful actions, and what I did to achieve positive results.

So, Billie, I and others will certainly be looking forward to following your thread.

Wishing you well,
Danielle

[billieco18]

Adrianna,

Yes, it was very frustrating and I think the fact that some misgender on purpose is really unfortunate.  To me, it just shows me how small-minded and cruel people can be.  However, I do thank people for showing me their true self, it allows me to keep myself safe and avoid people that aren't going to bring good energy or be supportive.  However, I also can understand that sometimes it is simply an honest mistake.  It's hard to tell the difference sometimes I imagine.

Billie

[Arianna Valentine]

Adrianna,

Yes, it was very frustrating and I think the fact that some misgender on purpose is really unfortunate.  To me, it just shows me how small-minded and cruel people can be.  However, I do thank people for showing me their true self, it allows me to keep myself safe and avoid people that aren't going to bring good energy or be supportive.  However, I also can understand that sometimes it is simply an honest mistake.  It's hard to tell the difference sometimes I imagine.

Billie

You are right it is actually very hard to tell if somebody doesn't on purpose or on accident I've had a few I could tell by the look in their eyes that they do it on accident and I've had a few that I could see do it on purpose but the one thing I do to help me myself I don't care what other people think I mean yes I'm open to hearing opinions and getting feedback but when it comes down to it I'm going to be me and if somebody don't like it then they don't need to talk to me they don't need to look at me they can just go on their way cuz I don't care what I do care about is how I feel about myself and I care about how I look how I present myself and I try to always present myself as a nice kind smart independent woman and smiling helps a lot Smiles are contagious if someone sees you smiling and they will smile back at you

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[Jessica_Rose]

The best solution is having complete confidence in yourself. Don't act nervous or afraid. Don't look around wondering if others are staring at you -- most people are in their own little world and will completely ignore you. Don't just act like you are supposed to be there, know you are supposed to be there.

The only times I can remember being misgendered were when I was wearing a winter coat and my body shape was hidden. I always try to wear clothes that make it rather obvious what my gender is, but keep it tasteful. If you push clothing or makeup too far you will draw attention to yourself and possibly unwanted scrutiny.

I was on HRT for nearly a year before I ever went outside as Jessica, and that includes about 100 hours of electrolysis and several laser sessions. Even then I was frightened. I applaud your courage going out into the world so early in your test drive!

We all wish you the best of luck Billie. There is no greater joy in life than living as the person you were meant to be.

[billieco18]

Danielle,

Thanks for responding.  It means a lot that you are here to support me and I like your advice about keeping a personal journal as well.

Billie

[billieco18]

Jessica,

I like when you said "know you are supposed to be there."  I am hoping that in time I will gain the confidence that you shared about.  I think because I am so early on and I don't really have the makeup skills yet, I am self-conscious about my face.  Of course since I have not started HRT, I still have very strong features, and I haven't learned all the tricks to softening lines and shadowing, contouring, etc.  I have been trying to watch YouTubes and have been getting some good ideas there.  I am finding that presenting as female is like a full-time job lol.  Thanks for your encouragement and for responding to my post.  Have a lovely Sunday.

Billie

[billieco18]

Yay!  I was able to add a picture to my profile, except I'm sideways.  Anyone know how to flip me.  Is that something I can do?

Thanks,

Billie

[Arianna Valentine]

Well I just say you profile pic is rather stunning I don't see how anyone could even pretend to think you were ever male you look more feminine than I do LOL

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[billieco18]

Arianna,

That is so sweet.  That totally makes my day since not many people have seen me as a female.    You all are among the first and it really does mean a lot.

Billie

[Arianna Valentine]

Arianna,

That is so sweet.  That totally makes my day since not many people have seen me as a female.    You all are among the first and it really does mean a lot.

Billie

I am so happy that we are able to put a smile on your face and make your day even if it's only for a little bit it's good to know that at least for today you're happy hopefully it continues on further than today though

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[Jessica_K]

So brave of you Billie. Closest I have done is drive home to an empty house in the dark. You are an inspiration to those like me that lack confidence to go out and just do it

Love
Jessica

[billieco18]

Jessica,

Thank you.  Hey, a drive home in the dark is a start.  And I think baby steps are ok, though I am certainly not one to be giving a whole lot of advice being new to this myself.  You called me brave, but I actually drove an hour to Atlanta so that I could be in the gay area and not around people I could potentially know.   I definitely was not the only trans person that I saw that day, so larger cities seem life a good option.  Also, we may find more resources there such as stores and support groups where we could meet other trans people.  So, if you happen to live near a larger city and don't know anyone there, it might be an option to try out...even if you just go see a movie in the dark.  Of course, only when you are ready as it doesn't make sense to force anything.  Keep in touch Jessica, I have only been coming out a couple of weeks and things are already getting better mentally for me.  I have my good days and bad, but somehow I am hopeful for the future. Please take care.

Billie

[Arianna Valentine]

Jessica,

Thank you.  Hey, a drive home in the dark is a start.  And I think baby steps are ok, though I am certainly not one to be giving a whole lot of advice being new to this myself.  You called me brave, but I actually drove an hour to Atlanta so that I could be in the gay area and not around people I could potentially know.   I definitely was not the only trans person that I saw that day, so larger cities seem life a good option.  Also, we may find more resources there such as stores and support groups where we could meet other trans people.  So, if you happen to live near a larger city and don't know anyone there, it might be an option to try out...even if you just go see a movie in the dark.  Of course, only when you are ready as it doesn't make sense to force anything.  Keep in touch Jessica, I have only been coming out a couple of weeks and things are already getting better mentally for me.  I have my good days and bad, but somehow I am hopeful for the future. Please take care.

Billie

Oftentimes as well you can be very shocked at how accepting a small town can be I live in a small town and it's 20 minutes outside of the big city but it's a country town you know the Times Square with the 4-way flashing red lights and all that good stuff and this was the place that I felt comfortable coming out and I've not had one issues one person at a gas station near me did ask my brother what he thought about me transitioning and my brother told him exactly what I told him to say "at least she's happy!" Just like sometimes I get people that believe in the Bible and God and they asked me well what are you going to say when you get to heaven at least I was happy that's all I need to say. but people in a small town can fool you even if they are your friends family and everything it is tough but sometimes they do deserve the benefit of the doubt but at the same time do it on your time so you're comfortable as well

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[Northern Star Girl]

@billieco18
Dear Billie:
Well, small town or large city, as @Arianna Valentine mentioned, in either place you will find people that accept your transition plans and your will find those that do not.

When I went full-time I relocated here to a very small and remote conservative town full of loggers, hunters and outdoorsmen...  came here as a woman up here in the middle on nowhere and it took me about a year of living in stealth as a woman with no-one knowing the secret that I harbored.  When I finally did come-out to the town, I found overwhelming acceptance with very few nay-sayers.   I think that my apparent success was due to the fact that I FIRST established myself here as a responsible business owner, a respectful and friendly person,  and I got involved in the small community civic functions.   
I dressed and acted respectfully and basically flew under the radar and did not shove my "trans" status in anyone's face.... so when I did come-out and reveal my secret, it was a shock to most that knew me.
   
If interested you can look over my personal thread, the LINK is at the bottom of my page... be warned however, it is long....  but if you go back to the month of April or so you will discover what I went through with that coming-out revelation.

I hope that is helps you with your decisions and thought process....   hang in there and continue to explore your new world as you navigate your transition journey.
Please continue to keep your followers updated....

Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle