Came out to mom...didn't go well :-(

[sarahc]

For context, see this thread (I'm 46 MtF):

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,241480.msg2185169.html#msg2185169

So I came out to my mom today. I left a letter at her house while she was away last night, and we had lunch today to discuss it. The letter approach was definitely the right way to go because if I came out to her live in person, she would have panicked.

While it wasn't a complete meltdown, it did not go well. Although she said she loves me, she clearly is not going to be supportive of me transitioning, and she is going to have a very difficult time emotionally accepting me as a woman. As she said, "I'm pretty old, and I really don't like change at this point in my life." She is definitely damaged from me coming out.

In addition, as I suspected, she is very afraid of the gossiping that will happen in her social circle, and she is concerned people will think poorly of her.

None of this is surprising - in fact, I proactively addressed all these concerns in my letter. Nonetheless, I am very saddened by this. It means that if I transition I'm going to have to eliminate most contact from my mother, because I know being around her is just going to make her upset.

This reaction isn't what I wanted, but I guess it's what I expected, so I'm not so much in shock as I am resigned to this situation. I really wish I didn't have to completely cut off ties and move away, but it looks like this is how it's going to have to be.

Would appreciate some support and hugs....

[Lynne]

  Hugs Sarah,

I'm really sorry that her first reaction was not the best, I know it hurts now but she may come around. She didn't have as much time to process this as you had, it is surely not easy for her either. Keep communication open and honest with her, be ready to answer any questions she may have later, she may surprise you.

I was not great at discussing my feelings with my mother and in the end she never understood me completely and while she still loved me she just couldn't really think of me as her daughter.

I really hope you can save your relationship with your mother and you won't have to pack up and leave. If not, I wish you all the strength to build a life where you can surround yourself with supportive people.

[sarahc]

Thanks. I think my mom is going to be the same way...will never be able to accept me as her daughter. Bummer.

I'm having a really hard time being completely honest with her on what my thought process about transition is because the more I talk about it in detail, the more upset she is likely to get. I really don't think she is yet open to wanting to know more at this point - in fact, I kinda think she just wishes I didn't come out to her. Maybe she'll change later, or maybe not...we'll have to see.

[Devlyn]

Big hug!

She's guilting you, which is disappointing coming from someone with more life experience. She basically has two choices, to think that your life is all about you, or to think that your life is all about her. She chose the latter. Give her time, maybe she'll grow up.

Hugs, Devlyn

[sarahc]

Big hug!

She's guilting you, which is disappointing coming from someone with more life experience. She basically has two choices, to think that your life is all about you, or to think that your life is all about her. She chose the latter. Give her time, maybe she'll grow up.

Hugs, Devlyn

Devlyn,

Unfortunately, I have to agree with everything you said. I don't think it's a matter of growing up...it's just that she has always been very status-conscious in everything she does and she views my transitioning as a threat to status.

I think she could change over time...I certainly hope so.

[Kendra]

Sarah you absolutely did the right thing and are moving forward with your life.  It is yours to enjoy and live the best way possible. 

I am sorry to hear about the way your mother responded.  Now that she knows, based on her reaction I don't think you need to do more - just proceed with transition and your life.  I don't think you owe her additional details unless or until she realizes you are more important than her perceived social status or feeling inconvenienced. 

Some things are given and some things are earned.

[sarahc]

Reviving this thread to update the story....tl;dr, it was another round of, "It didn't go well, and this part of transition sucks."

Anyway, so since the initial discussion with my mother where I told her I was transgender and was considering transitioning, we had had ZERO follow-up conversations about my identity and transitioning. She had zero interest in talking about these topics. And I was quite reluctant to proactively bring them up because inevitably they were just going to make her sad again.

Of course, I DID in fact start to transition starting in October of last year with hair removal, and in January of this year I started HRT.

And now we've gotten to the point in transition where transition is a reality that can't be ignored. My hair is getting a little long, and I have to move to a new town to start a new life. So today was the day where I had to tell her that I was in fact transitioning.

And her reaction was...the same. Very sad, very upset. She had likely spent the last six months hoping that I was going to give up this silly transition idea and really hadn't come to terms with the possibility that I would transition.

The reality is that my transitioning is not a good thing for my mom...it's going to result in me being unable to provide as much support as I have provided in the past months. And in a way she has to choose between supporting me and getting used to of the idea of me being a woman vs. not being supportive of me to fit in with her friends but also not getting the same level of support from me.

All of this sucks...I'm really trying to make an effort to minimize the collateral damage from my decision to transition, but unfortunately, my mother is going to be impacted and there's nothing I can do about it. Yes, she could be more supportive, but the reality is that this is going to be very bad for her in the context of her social network.

Honestly, this is the part of my transition that I'm going to hate the most...once I get past this stage, it's going to be easier, but the next couple of months as I move out of town and feel like I'm abandoning my mother are going to be awful. I'm happy for the steps I'm taking for myself, but I feel terrible for how my mom is going to be impacted, so basically I'm feeling somewhere in the intersection of and  and 

Bleh!

Sarah