feeling scared

[Anita43]

So, I've been "moving quickly" ... meaning, that I am clearly wear girl clothes to work. Yes, reactions from some, avoidance by others, unusual comments by still others, but acceptance by most (I work in a more accepting environment overall). However, I'm not sure that is the problem. Or is it? i don't know, I'm just feeling scared and unsure right now. I'm about 1.5 months away now from starting HRT, saw therapist today... it has just been an emotional day on several fronts and to much crying and I'm just feeeling... well emotional and vulnerable and felt i needed to express that feeeling somewhere that I know I will be accepted. I am completely unsure what else to say atm. thank you for listening.

-Anita

[Laurie]

Hi Anita,

   I am Laurie, the wandering waif of Susan's place. I want to not only say hi but to welcome you to Susan's place. I don't do as much of that as I used to. It does sound as though you are an eager fast starter in making your desires happen. Wow girl clothes at work before starting HRT or therapy? Just WOW!.
  That first therapy session can take a lot of of a person. it can be scary even. If you are honest with your therapist, it can be a very emotional and wrenching time. It can be both a relief and a stressful experience at the same time. I have had well over a year of chats with my therapist. I've covered so many things with him that I think he might know more about me than I do. I've cried ... a lot. We have talked about loss of family, great road trips, thoughts of suicide and finding a girl friend. Good times and not so good.
  Yes therapy can be hard on your soul and opening up can make you feel fragile and vulnerable. tears will flow and laughter will ring out. But it is all necessary to help us discover how to be ourselves.  I had thought I would stop therapy as I thought I had my issues under control.So what did I go and do? I decided I would work toward GCS and gave myself a whole new set of issues to think about. Not only that but I admitted to myself I still need more work on a very difficult issue. I realized I'm not done with the issues that had me wanting to do myself in.
  Anita this path we walk is not an easy one. It is hard. Sometimes very hard. yet to become the person we always felt we should be we can do nothing else. I don't know if I've touched on anything you can relate to, but I hope I've let you see you are not alone on this path. This is a safe place to talk about things you feel the need to talk about. (as long as you comply with our terms of service that uis) Yes I had to throw that qualifier in. After all I am one of the site's moderators. But more than that I am a fellow traveler on this road we trod.
  Be at ease here Anita. You are among friends.

Hugs,
  Laurie

[Alice (nym)]

I wish I could give you a big hug. That's a massively brave thing. You need to be proud of yourself. I am sure people with more experience than me will give you better advice. But I can offer a sympathetic ear if you need one. I've got it all to come and girls like you are a massive inspiration. Thank you for being you.

love
Alice

[Anita43]

thank you Laurie for your response, that does make me feel better. I really just needed something, anything. It was not my first meeting with my therapist, my 3rd or 4th, just that "finally" we started hitting on some tough issues and on a day that I was feeling extremely emotional because of some work and personal issues (both related and unrelated to gender/transitioning). My issues discussed with my therapist aren't related to a gender problem, but more, acceptance of self, and, much more importantly it seems, my learning how to create boundaries and that I am horrible at that and in the end I hurt myself (emotionally, not physically), which I have never done and know I will need to do if I want to make it through all of this with my sanity.

Thank you Alice for responding too! sometimes, I (or we) just need to know someone else is there that understands. Thank you so much for your response. Your responses will help me sleep better tonight. I'm crashing much earlier than usual... and wondering, should I wear the tight long sleeved black top with black jeans tomorrow or my favorite purple tunic/cowl necked sweatshirt.. hmmm   


hugs and thanks again

-Anita

[krobinson103]

The fear is normal. If you didn't feel a little (or a lot!) I'd be worried. Our path is not easy and requires a lot of commitment and the realization that you may lose a lot of what you had. You will find that this journey is much less about gender and much more about self acceptance. Once you accept yourself... whoever that turns out to be life gets easier.