Why can’t my crossdressing fiancé be more like a woman?

[Grad0507]

The challenges we are having in our relationship have more to do with gender differences in that he can't multitask (and gets easily overwhelmed with 1/100th of what I can do on a daily basis) and rarely ever sends me emails. I guess when he fantasizes about being female I fantasize about it too, but I doubt a name change and hormones will fix that. If it could then our marriage would be smooth sailing.


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[Grad0507]

I mean what's the point of going from a woman trapped in a man's body to a man trapped in a woman's body? What does that solve? What does that really change? How is doing the same thing on a different side of the pendulum going to fix anything?


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[Devlyn]

This sounds like a classic case of "The Pink Fog" where we become caught up in the things we weren't allowed to do for so many years. Have you communicated how you feel about this? Honesty and truly caring about each others needs is frankly the only way for a marriage to survive this.

Best wishes to both of you. 

Hugs, Devlyn

[GingerVicki]

I believe that it is important to appreciate what your partner has to offer and if that isn't enough then maybe it is time to move on.

Someone told me that it is important to find someone whose issues I can deal with. Very true words. Everyone has issues and some have subscriptions.

[Gertrude]

Are you looking for someone just like you?


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[HappyMoni]

With a couple, with one person transitioning, communication is really critical. It is important that your partner respects your feelings, really important. I will relate two things that happened early on in my transition. One, once I decided to transition, I spent a lot of time and mental energy on it. It was quite consuming and I had to watch myself to be considerate of my partner. This part does not last forever thankfully. Another thing is the hormones did change things. I became finally more hopeful, cheerier on the whole, and definitely more emotional. I became a nicer person even though I was a bit needy for a while. I can't speak to multitasking. I am not sure I understand what it is that your partner is doing / not doing that is causing you distress. It definitely is a stressful thing, so it is not surprising that you would feel unsure about the future. I don't think anyone with dysphoria really gets what transitioning is until they do it. It is not a cure for all problems, that's for sure. Your partner might have some fantasy thoughts on what transition is like until reality hits. It is hard work, is damn inconvenient, and requires sacrifices. Unfortunately, for some folks like me, there is no other option that allows the keeping of sanity. I would wish you both the best of luck though.
Moni

[DawnOday]

I have cross dressed for sixty years. Some weeks I would dress everyday for a whole week and pray I would wake up a woman. Never happened. I don't have a female bone in my body in fact there is an extra piece of bone I would like to get rid of.  But the brain that grows separately from the body was affected in some way while in uteri. In my case it was bad medical practice that my mother ended up being prescribed huge amounts of synthetic hormones at very important junction in my development. After the gonads started producing testosterone and weeks before my brain formed with all these hormones. As a result I don't do things like a female but I do like to do female things. I love to talk about home life and kids. I hate talking cars and sports. I have no muscles. Never had muscles. I am tall and skinny. I like doing crafts. I like watching romantic stories on lifetime. I cry all the time. When I played baseball I would cry if I struck out or made a bad play. I didn't like talking to boys. As time wore on I didn't even want to be around them. The last time I made a guy friend was back in the 1990's. I know it is hard to understand and I just began getting clues a couple years ago. I always knew I was different but could not allow my secret to get out. My first wife was the love of my life and even she could not induce me to quit cross dressing. Now 42 years later I still lament our divorce. I mean I had every mans dream girl. On our anniversary date in 2015 I had a breakdown because I wanted to explain to her why we were not still together. It was a real ugly scene and I was just 100 miles down the road from her. When I came home I started therapy and by the third visit I had my authorization letter. Two years and three months later I am sane, happy, look forward to what life brings. I was just so, so tired of looking back. I am very lucky my wife of 35 years, while she doesn't understand, she accepts that I am transgender. I attend all my support groups and are doing more and more projects with them, I have taken voice lessons and I still see a therapist because this brain needs a lot of rewinding. I have so many blessings. Even here Moni, Gertrude, Lauren, and so many others help me daily. I'm really in a happy place. By the way, since I started HRT I don't mind doing the wash, or dishes or vacuuming. I'm still not good at shopping yet but I did spend three hours the other day looking for a Halloween costume. One of the pillars of our marriage foundation is to not go to bed angry, So nothing gets left over to tomorrow.

[Maid Marion]

Some people just aren't "wired properly" multitask.  Hence the laws against texting and driving.

[GingerVicki]

Some people just aren't "wired properly" multitask.  Hence the laws against texting and driving.

Great point.

[Sylvia]

I mean what's the point of going from a woman trapped in a man's body to a man trapped in a woman's body? What does that solve? What does that really change? How is doing the same thing on a different side of the pendulum going to fix anything?

I kind of like that quote! I sometimes feel the same and think I'm either going to end up with a guy with tits or a woman with a penis (surgery is out of the question). I don't think he acts or thinks female at all, although he's always had a 'feminine side'. I don't think he understands women either. However, I think learning to act like a woman doesn't happen overnight. He has years of male socialization which is hard to shake off. Also, not all women act like women, and not all guys act like guys! There is a wealth of spectrums/aspects/levels etc. I actually am not great at multitasking. I loathe clothes shopping. Not interested in make up (I wear a little but it's the same every day) and I have no real interest in experimenting, trying different things. I hate 'girl talk'. Even when young I never understood how my friends loved spending hours getting ready for a night out. I never wear dresses or skirts. Hate pink and glitter and frills. Hell, maybe I'm a fella really...

[Devlyn]

I kind of like that quote! I sometimes feel the same and think I'm either going to end up with a guy with tits or a woman with a penis (surgery is out of the question). I don't think he acts or thinks female at all, although he's always had a 'feminine side'. I don't think he understands women either. However, I think learning to act like a woman doesn't happen overnight. He has years of male socialization which is hard to shake off. Also, not all women act like women, and not all guys act like guys! There is a wealth of spectrums/aspects/levels etc. I actually am not great at multitasking. I loathe clothes shopping. Not interested in make up (I wear a little but it's the same every day) and I have no real interest in experimenting, trying different things. I hate 'girl talk'. Even when young I never understood how my friends loved spending hours getting ready for a night out. I never wear dresses or skirts. Hate pink and glitter and frills. Hell, maybe I'm a fella really...

Oh noes! You hung out with us so long that you caught "the transgender"! 

Hugs, Devlyn

[HappyMoni]

I kind of like that quote! I sometimes feel the same and think I'm either going to end up with a guy with tits or a woman with a penis (surgery is out of the question). I don't think he acts or thinks female at all, although he's always had a 'feminine side'. I don't think he understands women either. However, I think learning to act like a woman doesn't happen overnight. He has years of male socialization which is hard to shake off. Also, not all women act like women, and not all guys act like guys! There is a wealth of spectrums/aspects/levels etc. I actually am not great at multitasking. I loathe clothes shopping. Not interested in make up (I wear a little but it's the same every day) and I have no real interest in experimenting, trying different things. I hate 'girl talk'. Even when young I never understood how my friends loved spending hours getting ready for a night out. I never wear dresses or skirts. Hate pink and glitter and frills. Hell, maybe I'm a fella really...

I think it important that you pointed this out. I might modify this really good point and say, "Learning to act like yourself doesn't happen overnight." I had to wade through the male socialization, learn what to accept, what to discard of both stereotypical gender aspects of "me." I guess as a trans person offering a perspective to a significant other, I would urge the SO not to judge the importance of how things look at the start without considering two things. First, your partner's motivation. They may seem to be doing something pointless in your eyes, but in their eyes, they may be very driven to be female, however awkward they start. Second, even though driven, they may be lost about how to proceed, what it means to proceed, and how it will affect others. ( I hope in no way did I veer from the intent of the original poster, but I might have. I don't know you or your partner. I am just pointing out that transitioners early on can be pretty lost.)

[Gertrude]

Some people just aren't "wired properly" multitask.  Hence the laws against texting and driving.

And humans can't truly multitask. Not preemptively. It's cooperative at best.


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[gallinarosa]

Maybe I am wrong here, but I assumed the original post was a mix of frustration and light-heartedness. For a CIS wife to hear her spouse feels like they are a woman inside and wishes they were a woman, one thing that might go through our heads is thinking of all the positive things (in our perspective) about women (and "male" traits we hate) and hope that at least this rollercoaster ride means getting the good "female" traits and getting rid of the bad "male" traits in our spouse. But it doesn't work like that and so there might be a little frustration, even if we know it is unwarranted, that we have to deal with the struggle of suddenly realizing we are married to a woman, but not getting what we hoped the "benefits" would be.

And yeah, there aren't 100% male and female traits and everyone is an individual and everyone has to just be themself, but when you're having a bad day, your brain oversimplifies.

Either way, hang in there Grad...

[HappyMoni]

Maybe I am wrong here, but I assumed the original post was a mix of frustration and light-heartedness. For a CIS wife to hear her spouse feels like they are a woman inside and wishes they were a woman, one thing that might go through our heads is thinking of all the positive things (in our perspective) about women (and "male" traits we hate) and hope that at least this rollercoaster ride means getting the good "female" traits and getting rid of the bad "male" traits in our spouse. But it doesn't work like that and so there might be a little frustration, even if we know it is unwarranted, that we have to deal with the struggle of suddenly realizing we are married to a woman, but not getting what we hoped the "benefits" would be.

This makes a lot of sense. My SO told me that who I am now is the true personality she fell in love with. I lost a lot of negative qualities like anger and emotional distance through transition. I could see if I transitioned and kept those bad qualities, that would be pretty difficult to deal with as an SO. Guess I was trying to be optimistic that maybe those desirable qualities might still come about for the OP and her partner.

[Dena]

I mean what's the point of going from a woman trapped in a man's body to a man trapped in a woman's body? What does that solve? What does that really change? How is doing the same thing on a different side of the pendulum going to fix anything?

This sounds a little like the non binary, more specifically gender fluid/bi gender. It would be something you might want to look into because somebody who is in the non binary may find it a bit more difficult getting a correct diagnosis. Not all doctors are trained in or understand the non binary so you have to find the answers that the doctor may not be aware of.

[Grad0507]

I want to clarify that my fiancé is not in transition, but I would look forward to it.


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[AnneK]

I want to clarify that my fiancé is not in transition, but I would look forward to it.

Most of us here would love to have a partner like you, who not only accepts us, but encourages us.  Do you do anything to help her with this?

[Lady Sarah]

The challenges we are having in our relationship have more to do with gender differences in that he can't multitask (and gets easily overwhelmed with 1/100th of what I can do on a daily basis) and rarely ever sends me emails. I guess when he fantasizes about being female I fantasize about it too, but I doubt a name change and hormones will fix that. If it could then our marriage would be smooth sailing.


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If your fiancee is a crossdresser, and not transgender, he will remain male. I would not expect him to act like a woman, except when he dresses like one, and even then, not completely feminine. Some people like the fetish for what it is, with no intention of going further with it. Ru Paul is one example.

Maybe you need to talk with him to figure out what he wants. It is his life. Try to respect him for his choices.

[Alexa Ares]

Hi everyone just read through this and I feel my Wife would say alot of what Grad0507 says she would have related to a year or two back.

If I can recommend one book, My husband Betty by Helen Crow. It's good and helpful.

Lady Sarah makes a very good point. Some people are cross dressers and have no desire to transition.
As such they won't change behaviors or feel a reason to do so.   For what it's worth, see if your husband has adult ADHD as bits of what you describe sound similar to me, and it's not unusual for cross dressers or trans women to have other psychological differences to others.
My best advice is he finds a good therapist and is honest. This may take time as it's not easy to find one you get on with.

About male female behaviors it's fascinating to think of where the line between conformity to social roles and biological thought patterns and behaviours come in.
For example, I have 4 kids. 2 of them exhibit behaviour that some more Conservative parents would say is typical of the opposite gender. My Wife and I would just see it as part of who they are and no indication of any discomfort with their gender.
I do feel that Men and Women can be anything they want, however to get by in society at some point we have to find a group or some way to survive and so adapt and conform a little or alot.

My take on this is, some people are happy to be cross dressers and that's great. Some want more. Also people can change. Humans are complex... What we feel now can change.
I struggled with gender for years and now come to a point where I identity as Transgender Female. Not everyone will.
For example I do not want HRT or much done beyond a little face work and continued electrolysis , so in expression of trans identity there's variance. We live in enlightened times in regards to what It means to be trans or a cross dresser.

I think it's great that there are Wives out there who are supportive, and it shows society is moving forwards.
I also hope the needs of these Wives are acknowledged and that as much as possible couples try to work together and stay together.

Take Care
Alexa.