New Here: My husband just came out as transgender to me

[littlefish]

Hello all,

My husband of 9 years just came out to me in mid-September. I am feeling a thousand different emotions. He was very much a man's man, so it was quite a surprise. When he started crossdressing, we agreed that he would do it every Saturday and we'd have a 'girl's day.' I wasn't completely comfortable with this, but I could live with it and I figured I would adjust. Shortly after he came out to me as transgender and told me he wants to transition from mtf.

My response was that I would not stand in his way. Every time he becomes her (after changing work clothes, etc), he's the happiest I've ever seen him. No stress, so anger (he used to be so so angry), just total peace and happiness. I want him to be happy and to be his real self. I can't imagine feeling the way he does and not being able to speak openly until now. Despite my roller coaster of emotions, I have helped him to buy clothes, offered tips for shaving, skin care, and have taught him how to do make-up.

All anger, confusion, and everything else aside, I don't know what to do about our relationship. I'm a straight cis female. He wants to stay together and has been trying to convince me of how good we are together and how wonderful it would be to stay together. While I understand his stance, I'm not a lesbian. I am attracted to men only. After all the surgeries, even the voice surgery in Korea, he will look and sound so different from the man I've loved. It would change my entire identity and I like my identity the way it is, I like who I am now.

I told him that I would be there for him as he transitions (he has not started HRT yet, he's just in the beginning stage), and that I would be a shoulder and a sounding board as he goes through HRT, the surgeries, and finishes the full transition. Our friendship is important to me, after all I love him.

BUT. I feel I need to put myself first too. I can't just be suppressing all my feelings and put my life on the back burner. We've spent almost 10 years together and I put off having kids for him and now I find myself 35, childless, and facing what I believe will be a divorce. I am devastated, feel depressed, and am overwhelmed at the idea of starting my life over.

What the heck do I do now?

[Northern Star Girl]

@littlefish
I am most pleased that you had decided to join the Susan's Place.
Thank you for writing your posting here on this thread.... other members will be along to offer their thoughts and comments in response to your specific questions and concerns..

By now you know that this is the right place for you to be to find out what others may have to say that may have been in your circumstances and with your questions and concerns.
    There are a lot of members here that will be able to identify with your situation as you continue to feel free to share it.

    Please allow me to warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place. 
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.

    As you are certainly aware you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
     ***It's a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new friends here. 

    Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.
I have included information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.   
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle

Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)	Cautionary Note
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[Northern Star Girl]

@littlefish
Oh, and another thing, please find your way to the  Introductions Forum and write a brief introduction post and summary about yourself so that more members here on the Susan's Place forums will be aware of your arrival and therefore you may obtain more responses and information that you might be looking for and you will be able to share with others.

I see that you have already found the Significant Others section of the Forums... I trust that you will find other member's support and sharing of like-minded thoughts of interest to you.

Enjoy your time here on the Forums, I trust that you will find this an enjoyable and informative experience.
Best wishes to you.... and again, Welcome to Susan's Place
Danielle

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. Life has a habit of changing the direction of our life in unexpected ways. When that happens the best thing is to reevaluate what is important in our life and then define a new set of goal. It is possible to remain in your marriage with an emotional relationship but without sex. There are several options where you could have children. It's also possible you might decide to start out a new life by yourself.

Coming to a decision may take weeks or months. You have to remember when we decided to transition, we may have spent years considering it. I hope you can find a new life where you will find happiness.

[Gertrude]

What do you want to do? Some divorce, some have a platonic relationship and some carry on as before. It depends on how you work it out. If being with a mans man is a high priority, then that will probably dictate a path. If you love the person for who they are as your highest value, then there are other possibilities. I think situations like this are defining moments in the lives involved as internal beliefs come out and it's an opportunity to examine them, but many react based on them. It's up to you really, and I would suggest your spouse go to a gender therapist and you should go when she's ready too, to discuss this.


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[Moonflower]

@littlefish, I'm glad that you found your way to this pond. May you find sustenance and clarity here as you face the decisions that come with change.

I love the weekly Girl's Day idea! Like your husband, my SO is so happy and relaxed and alive when she is a woman. She is a woman full-time now when we are home alone. I look forward to when my SO feels ready to be a woman in public. People often "mistake" her for a woman, and she hasn't yet begun feminization hormones or hair removal.

I really like that you wrote, "I want him to be happy and to be his real self. I can't imagine feeling the way he does and not being able to speak openly until now." You are doing great examining what will make you happy,  and remaining true to yourself while testing your limits as you see what it means to be supportive of his revelation. Neither of you need to change to express your true selves. You are who you are.

As my SO expresses her interest in "women's" clothes and activities, I am finding myself more interested in those things. Like you, I am her consultant on all things female.

I understand that you are a heterosexual cis woman, for sure. As you and your husband decide how to deal with the consequences, I hope that you keep in touch and share your thoughts along the way. Lots of wisdom and kindness here as people share their stories about what transitioning is like.

When you are feeling devastated, depressed,  and overwhelmed, remember to take the smallest, easiest baby steps. Keep in touch with your husband so you are clear about his intentions, and expect his timeframes to change as he discovers the power of being able to express himself more honestly. Remember that you don't have to do anything. You can just stop and get accustomed to this moment that is now.

I have your best interests at heart when I say that I hope that you find this detour to be a journey that is as amazing for you as it is for your husband.

[HappyMoni]

Dear Littlefish,

   It is easy to see that you are hurting.  I am very sorry for the pain you are dealing with. It is wonderful that you have been so supportive, but you really must look out for what you need. I hope you can find an outlet to get support. It is a mistake to bundle everything up inside. It sounds like you are such a good person. It would be fantastic if you two could support each other even if it turns out you can't stay as a couple. Try not to panic, give yourself time to soak it in. I have stayed with my SO through my transition. Some things are much better than before. Other things are different, but doable. It is a highly individual thing, being able to stay together, or not. Wishing you both the best! Oh, my name is Moni. I hope you feel free to share more if it helps.

[DawnOday]

Hi Littlefish.  There are solutions and if the two of you really love each other you will look into them.  Speaking for my transwoman self, having children with my wife gave meaning to my life. I had not begun transitioning so we produced naturally as of course I had boy parts. Even if slightly deformed. http://www.lgbtqhealth.ca/docs/FactSheet-ReproductiveOptionsForTransPeople.pdf After they were born I continued to cross-dress at every opportunity. My wife didn't care she just didn't want to see it and that is basically where we are now in our transition. I go to my support groups, doctors appointments etc. as Dawn. I'll go downtown where there is an area that welcomes people of alternative lifestyles and I am free to roam the streets, shops and restaurants at will and feel freedom like I have never felt before. I now have a group of new friends who are going or have gone through some of the things I have. In my first couple months of transition I went to Gender Odyssey in Seattle. One of the best decisions of my transition. Imagine you are all alone all your life and you go into the Convention Center for a four day conference and there are 1700 other people just like you. This was one of the first times outside of therapy that I went public. What really sealed the deal though was when I went to a support meeting at Ingersoll Gender Center and this person I had never met walked up to me and gave me a hug. I had arrived. Evie and I now have an almost three year friendly relationship and she has just recently completed her transition with GRS and FFS. She is so lovely and h er wife is fantastic. Unfortunately she is about twenty years younger than me and likes punk rock so I don't visit as often as I would like to. I am sorry for your struggle as I am sure your husband too never envisioned hurting the one she loves. My first wife who was my everything found out I cross-dressed and started having affairs with the Doc's at work. To this day I still don't know what is worse. Ignoring my need to transition or losing her. Either way it was predetermined in utero and the chain of events that occurred at the junction of my body formation and the formation of my brain. I am attaching a research paper from Dr. Anne Vitale.  Pay particular attention to the G3 designation. http://www.avitale.com/developmentalreview.htm  I hope you can all work things out and both of you get what you want together. Hugs.  PS. Don't be afraid to communicate with Moni as she is the bomb. As are many others here. But Moni holds a special place in my heart as we started here on Susans about the same time and her advice is so spot on.

[gallinarosa]

If being with a mans man is a high priority, then that will probably dictate a path. If you love the person for who they are as your highest value, then there are other possibilities.

I agree with the overall sentiment. And I am not trying to start an argument, but I wanted to point out that for an SO, this language is very triggering. It sounds to many SOs like a poorly hidden insult belittling the importance of attraction in a marriage and making the SO sound like they are being judged for wanting to be sexually attracted to their spouse.

She said her spouse WAS a man's man, not that she needed to be with one. And she said she loves her spouse.

An SO would probably word the same thought like this: "If being attracted to your spouse is a priority, then that will probably dictate a path. If your love for the person married is enough regardless of attraction, OR you find you are able to be attracted to your spouse in spite of your sexual orientation, then there are other possibilities." It's fine to word things however you like on other boards, but this one needs to be particularly sensitive to an SO's perspective. We thank you all for respecting that.

Littlefish, welcome This is not an easy journey no matter what either of you chooses and as others have said, you would benefit a great deal by finding a therapist that you like to help guide and support you. Stay open-minded and kind and honest. Keep communication open. And take care of yourself. Wishing you all the best.

[Gertrude]

I agree with the overall sentiment. And I am not trying to start an argument, but I wanted to point out that for an SO, this language is very triggering. It sounds to many SOs like a poorly hidden insult belittling the importance of attraction in a marriage and making the SO sound like they are being judged for wanting to be sexually attracted to their spouse.

She said her spouse WAS a man's man, not that she needed to be with one. And she said she loves her spouse.

An SO would probably word the same thought like this: "If being attracted to your spouse is a priority, then that will probably dictate a path. If your love for the person married is enough regardless of attraction, OR you find you are able to be attracted to your spouse in spite of your sexual orientation, then there are other possibilities." It's fine to word things however you like on other boards, but this one needs to be particularly sensitive to an SO's perspective. We thank you all for respecting that.

Littlefish, welcome This is not an easy journey no matter what either of you chooses and as others have said, you would benefit a great deal by finding a therapist that you like to help guide and support you. Stay open-minded and kind and honest. Keep communication open. And take care of yourself. Wishing you all the best.

I didn't mean it in a triggering way at all. Just to look at it as an opportunity rather than all negative. Everyone is entitled to be attracted to whomever they desire, but, IMO, the vast majority of people never examine their internal beliefs with regards to anything. Now is an opportunity to do that as no matter what she decides to do, if she does get some counseling, she'll move forward more positively.  Crisis often involves opportunity, it's what we make of it. I wish all involved the best and hope they find their way being true to themselves.


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[Johnni Gyrl]

@littlefish - First up, I'd like to say 'wow' at how understanding and supportive you've been to your husband! That must have taken some 'grinning & bearing it' on some days and been slightly easier on others. Bravo! - for your reaction and continued support on-going...

Secondly, I hope there's a way forward for you both. Perhaps there may be, if he doesn't plan to go for bottom surgery, though it sounds like he does plan at least going on hormones. I don't know if that would make enough of a difference, it's all your decision.

Lastly, when I came out as transgender m2f, a woman told me she only sees people's souls, regardless of gender or body parts. She said I had a good soul and that was unlikely to change, I'd be the 'same soul' as a man or a woman. I hope some or all of this helps and wish you both the very best of luck.

Hugs,
Johnni xoxo

[Sylvia]

Hi from me too, as another SO who fully understands your worries. Agree with gallinarosa.

I too am worried about our relationship. I am not a lesbian either, and I've always found my man very attractive - and no, our relationship is NOT based in this attraction. I love the person, not the gender, but that doesn't mean that changing gender doesn't make any difference.

My partner has no plans for any surgery - he's been on E patches for 5 months now.

Well done for being so supportive. Wishing you luck.

Syl.

[Jin]

Life is a two edged sword. It says a lot that your first wish if for him(her?) to be happy. but now you are faced with having to suppress your feelings. I can tell that you fell in love with the person, and not the body. I also know how important our bodies are to our interactions with each other.
My Eve chose me partly because of my dual sexuality and has always helped me in every way. We have no desire for me to go full time, we like switching roles and we like the physical part of our lovemaking with me keeping all my boy parts.
Another thing that has helped us was to introduce another full male into the mix on occasions. Not for everybody for sure, but it works for us.
You may also want to consider prosthetic male parts for her to play the male role on "Boys Night"
I suggest letting things roll for a few months and see what develops.

[Lacy]

Welcome Littlefish!

I will echo others' responses by applauding how supportive you have been with your husband (and continue to be). You are proving your love through the acceptance you have shown!

Your post reads like some conversations my wife and I have had. One thing that I can say is that for me, doing everything I could to present as a manly man was one of the ways I tried to repress the feelings I had inside. The family members that I have come out to, and even a friend has a very hard time believing I ever felt dysphoria, as they saw no femininity with how I lived. My wife has told me multiple times, that the one thing she misses the most is my long beard (it was long enough to touch my chest). She used to give me crap about it, but now that is the one thing she wishes to see again.
I think it is the huge pivot from super masculine to feminine, that can bring out a lot of hard to process feelings in SO. I am not saying that being told by your husband he needs to transition isn't hard enough!

You are entitled to all the feelings you have. You seem to have seen proof that having "girl time" makes your husband happy, and he isn't as angry when in fem mode. That alone is a big point to reach and accept.

My wife has expressed word for word what you have written regarding your identity. When a SO transitions, the partner and/or family is dragged into the transition as well. They don't choose it and it hurts.
I know very few trans people who would say that they would choose to be transgender. It isn't something we choose! It was something we were born with. It brings so much mental and emotional pain and I personally hate it! I would be much happier if I didn't have to go through all the crap that comes with it! If I got to choose, I would choose to be born with a body that matches my mind. Having to see those you love be effected by it as well, is another level of pain.

You have an identity. Your husband has an identity. Neither one of you should be made or expected to change that identity. I told my wife, that I understand she is not attracted to women. I love her, and don't want us to separate, but I have recognized that she may very well get to the point, where she would be miserable if we stayed together. I want her to be happy in life, and live to her true self.
I realize that leaving the man she married and having to start over with another person, is not anyone's idea of "Happy", but I hope the effort and point is getting across.

When it comes down to it, communication is the most important thing. Making sure your husband knows exactly how you feel, and the needs you have is vital. There are many possible outcomes in these types of situations. Everyone is different.

If you feel comfortable, finding a therapist who works with these time of situations can be extremely helpful. My wife started seeing one, and the apparent anxiety and sadness over everything has gotten better. Having someone outside the situation who can listen to you and be there for you can be very comforting.

I wish you luck in this difficult time,
Lacy

[littlefish]

Thank you every body for your warmth and support! So much to absorb here, but it feels good to get it off my chest. My husband has decided he is not going to tell anyone in his family until after her ffs and breast augmentation. I am trying to wrap my mind around this as it will be a couple months before we move back east (that's when she hopes to start hormones), and then more time before any surgeries. I understand it's her news to share and I respect it, though it has left me feeling ultra isolated and the idea of not saying anything and playing this facade is driving me crazy. I am taking the suggestion for therapy and actively looking today!

I do need to do some introspection for my personal beliefs about my own attraction to her, though I do love her soul. I just can't see myself stroking her hair (even men with long hair are a turn off for me), listening to a female voice, and doing sexual things with a her in girl form (she does want to go the whole way with srs and all). This is overwhelming because I love her so much and have great guilt in not naturally sliding into the idea that I could be attracted to her. While I can appreciate the female form, I have never been attracted to it sexually. I do have a high libido and men just do it for me - the touch, the voice, their bodies, no hesitation on my part. Before his coming out, the farthest I got to being attracted to a male in a skirt was a rugged looking stud in a kilt. Hubba hubba.

I feel pressured as well, since I am creeping to the end of my child bearing years, should I stay for another 2 or so years to find out if it could work or leave and hopefully create the family I have always wanted? Life is so complicated.

I am trying to see the positive in all this and use it as a chance to grow. At the least we'll be friends and I can have an opportunity to help him through this transition and at the most we'll stay together, closer than ever.

[RobynD]

Really supportive and loving. It's hard when our spouses make changes particularly when they are such seemingly big changes. Physical attraction, while perhaps changes a lot over the course of a long marriage, is still a really nice component to have in a relationship.

I also want to reiterate that your spouse changing their identity, changes nothing about your identity, no matter what choices you both make on the future. You do not identify as a lesbian and if you are worried that others will see you as a lesbian, what they really should see you as is a hetero ciswoman that decided to stay with her spouse and continue to identify as a married unit. How that all works varies greatly between marriages.

Therapy can be huge to navigate this, both couples and individual. A marriage does not have to last a lifetime to deem it a success. Your options are many and there likely is no rush, other than that what you've mentioned and that can be a good reason to accelerate things.

[GingerVicki]

My transitioning caused my divorce. I don't hate her for it. I understand why. She loved me as a man and not a woman. So be it. Transitioning certainly changes the relationship variables and is valid reason to split.

It is a shame that we did not split amicably. It was her choice. One that she regrets and probably will continue to do so. Her loss not mine. I refused when she tried to come back.

[HappyMoni]

Littlefish,
   You sound like an amazing person. However it looks like when all is said and done, your partner is lucky to have you in their life. What a messed up thing to throw at two people in a relationship, this transgender thing. It makes for a lot of difficulty for both parties. You sound like you are trying to stay very positive and that is such a good thing. I hope you are able to come to terms with what you need. Glad to hear you are thinking therapy. Hugs!
Moni

[AnneK]

My husband has decided he is not going to tell anyone in his family until after her ffs and breast augmentation. I am trying to wrap my mind around this as it will be a couple months before we move back east (that's when she hopes to start hormones), and then more time before any surgeries.

Waiting for breast augmentation will be a long time.  My understanding is augmentation shouldn't be done, until after the hormones have had time to do their thing.

[littlefish]

Yes, AnneK, I agree. Her plan is to wait for the hormones to do their thing and see how her body develops before any kind of surgeries and I think that's best choice too!!