Hello all,
My husband of 9 years just came out to me in mid-September. I am feeling a thousand different emotions. He was very much a man's man, so it was quite a surprise. When he started crossdressing, we agreed that he would do it every Saturday and we'd have a 'girl's day.' I wasn't completely comfortable with this, but I could live with it and I figured I would adjust. Shortly after he came out to me as transgender and told me he wants to transition from mtf.
My response was that I would not stand in his way. Every time he becomes her (after changing work clothes, etc), he's the happiest I've ever seen him. No stress, so anger (he used to be so so angry), just total peace and happiness. I want him to be happy and to be his real self. I can't imagine feeling the way he does and not being able to speak openly until now. Despite my roller coaster of emotions, I have helped him to buy clothes, offered tips for shaving, skin care, and have taught him how to do make-up.
All anger, confusion, and everything else aside, I don't know what to do about our relationship. I'm a straight cis female. He wants to stay together and has been trying to convince me of how good we are together and how wonderful it would be to stay together. While I understand his stance, I'm not a lesbian. I am attracted to men only. After all the surgeries, even the voice surgery in Korea, he will look and sound so different from the man I've loved. It would change my entire identity and I like my identity the way it is, I like who I am now.
I told him that I would be there for him as he transitions (he has not started HRT yet, he's just in the beginning stage), and that I would be a shoulder and a sounding board as he goes through HRT, the surgeries, and finishes the full transition. Our friendship is important to me, after all I love him.
BUT. I feel I need to put myself first too. I can't just be suppressing all my feelings and put my life on the back burner. We've spent almost 10 years together and I put off having kids for him and now I find myself 35, childless, and facing what I believe will be a divorce. I am devastated, feel depressed, and am overwhelmed at the idea of starting my life over.
What the heck do I do now?