Got clocked on my way home...

[Annaiyah]

... and the person who did it was someone who definitely should've known better. 

I was coming home from a session with my case manager, at my local clinic (for my transition ironically) and after buying a ticket from the train station, I look around for the timetable to try and see what time my train comes; the lady working at the train station (not who sold me my ticket) went and found out for me. They have the entrance to the platform is gated off so that you can only go down there if you have a ticket.
Well, I showed her my ticket and she welcomed me into the train platform. No problem. She then went and got one of the ticket validators to punch my ticket. But this is where the problem is: she told the other woman "he has a ticket to go down into the station" or something of that effect but she addressed me as "he" despite outwardly presenting myself as a woman! 

Suffice it to say, i gave that rude lady an angry, offended glare like I was about to rip her throat out. I can't be entirely certain as i only looked at her for a 3/4 of a second if even that but I think my reaction startled her enough that she had the nerve to give me that "what did i do?" look!

After the other lady (who did NOT clock me) validated my ticket, I smiled at her, thanked her, and told her to have a nice day. I then gave another mean look to the lady who clocked the hell out of me, she didn't see me this time.

I actually like how i handled that situation but actually i wish i would've grunted "you bitch!" and stuck my middle finger up at her. She would've deserved it! 

That's pathetic! That is very unprofessional of her! Like, seriously, though, I would've had more respect toward her if she would've said "they/their/them" etc. Like... if you're questioning as to which gender i "really" am, then call me "they/their/them" if that's not too much like-right. Ugh... People these days... 

[kathb31]

I know how much this hurts. It's especially bad that she did it without regret or any attempt to correct herself. I recently was picking up a prescription at my pharmacy and the woman started  to say "he" when talking to one of her colleagues then quickly changed to "her" but it definitely bothered me. I very much understand the pain this causes you

Kath

[Sarah77]

I iknow it stings badly..but that women probably didn't mean to offend, hust didn't know the right thing to do.
Older people especially aren't clued in

[Devlyn]

Sorry you had a rough go, but people see what they see. Perhaps your outward presentation as a woman wasn't bulletproof enough. Our speech, our movements, our confidence all play a part in how people perceive us. Plus, there are honest mistakes made. I would be lying if I said that I correctly gendered everyone 100% of the time.

Sometimes when we are sending mixed signals, people see we are trans but don't know "which way" we are going.

Give the middle finger to anyone you want, but don't expect it to make your days any easier.

Hugs, Devlyn

[Sienna Grace]

The pain of being addressed by male pro-nouns is, for many of us, very real. Most of the time people will do it without thinking, it is not malicious. For those who are cruel, any reaction simply validates their action in their tiny little Jurassic brains.
For me all I ever wanted was to be seen as a sexy sophisticated woman. The reality is quite different of course. I am a very proud trans woman. When I accepted this fact I found a great deal of my angst also left. Now I simply try to be a stylish presentable woman.
Don't know if this helps but know you are not alone xx

[KathyLauren]

Giving someone the finger or calling them names doesn't help anyone.  What you actually did was more effective.

If I was certain that the misgendering was intentional, I might have responded with "Thank you, SIR."  That way, they know what you are upset about, and they get a chance to experience misgendering themselves, which makes it educational.

[RobynD]

Sorry, that happened to you.

Who knows maybe I'm a bad judge of people being mean but when someone misgenders me, I seem to believe that I have the ability to discern between those that make an honest mistake (90%) and those that are trying to be jerks. For the former, I just correct them, smile and move on. For the latter, I'm more inclined to ignore them, maybe a quick disgusted look once in a while. I feel like you have to pick your battles and if I go around bring offended a lot, negative energy will be the result.

There have been a couple times where I have taken more offense and acted on it, but it has to be pretty blatant. One time a bartender misgendered me when I was clearly in a dress, makeup, hair all was done up etc. and I was about to say to him...dude what the.... ? and before that my girlfriend jumped in and sternly corrected him. That worked too.

[Allison S]

It's just one of those times when the person should and probably can avoid gendering altogether, but doesn't... I get it. It does suck. I think gently correcting them is okay. It could be really helpful for you and maybe even help the other person too in someway. I know it's easier said than done though..

Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk

[ChrissyRyan]

What is the origin of the term "clocking you"?   Why is it called "clocking"?


Chrissy

[Dena]

The original term was (read | red | ). I don't know how the term clocking appeared as my first exposure to the term was when I joined this site.

[Alice (nym)]

I don't think anyone truly knows... the OED seems to think that it has to do with clock face and noticing the face. I think it is more likely a military term referring to an object being picked up on radar. Or possibly more recent as in police capturing speeding motorists with radar guns... they clocked them at 100mph... aka they caught them.

[Annaiyah]

What is the origin of the term "clocking you"?   Why is it called "clocking"?


Chrissy

If someone "clocks" you that means:

• they've noticed you are trans
• they refer to you with pronouns/names that are inconsistent with the gender you identify/present yourself as
• or both the above

It's just one of those times when the person should and probably can avoid gendering altogether, but doesn't... I get it. It does suck. I think gently correcting them is okay. It could be really helpful for you and maybe even help the other person too in someway. I know it's easier said than done though..

Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk

But more times than not, the people misgendering you are doing so out of malice... just to be rude or think they can get away with it.

[ChrissyRyan]

If someone ever confronted me when presenting as a woman, and said something directly to me such as, "You are really a man pretending to be a woman, right?"  I think I might say, "Well, thank you! while smiling.  I used to be a woman and but now I am transitioning to be a man.  That was very kind of you to say that.  You made my day!"

But, that might not be right to say, as mtf I certainly would not want to offend anyone that is ftm!

So, who knows what I would do.  No middle finger will be given and no harsh words.  I might not want to be there very long though.  I will see what happens if that happens, and maybe it never will.  Most people simply do not care, do not notice, or if they did clock you, they might stare but not saying anything to you or obviously discuss it with who they are with loud enough for you to hear what they are saying.  But some might say something to you. 

I am reasonably cool-headed and safety will be paramount of course.  No need to antagonize someone who is thoughtless of your feelings.   Certainly not those who were cruel to you, as they could assault you not only with words but physically.

Chrissy

[KatieP]

While I always notice pronouns, giving up on caring when people misgendered me was the key to me presenting female more. This same thing makes it easy to walk through a mall and not check to see if anyone noticed me in some way.

When friends have occasionally done the misgendering or dead naming, my comment is always, "As long as you are my friend, call me anything. And, if one is going to be stressed by words, this is the wrong business to be in."

OK. Words DO matter. But relationships matter more. With strangers, I smile at everyone who I think is looking at me funny. And, if they misgender me, I just move on. Makes the blood pressure so much more stable...

And I have found, over time, misgendering has occurred less often. I don't think I look any different. Maybe the attitude does make a difference... 

Kate

[ChrissyRyan]

While I always notice pronouns, giving up on caring when people misgendered me was the key to me presenting female more. This same thing makes it easy to walk through a mall and not check to see if anyone noticed me in some way.

When friends have occasionally done the misgendering or dead naming, my comment is always, "As long as you are my friend, call me anything. And, if one is going to be stressed by words, this is the wrong business to be in."

OK. Words DO matter. But relationships matter more. With strangers, I smile at everyone who I think is looking at me funny. And, if they misgender me, I just move on. Makes the blood pressure so much more stable...

And I have found, over time, misgendering has occurred less often. I don't think I look any different. Maybe the attitude does make a difference... 

Kate

Yes!  Relationships are very important.

Yes!  Attitude almost always makes a difference!  Keep positive, smile.
Kindness goes a long way.

You sound like you have a great attitude and have it altogether!   

Chrissy

[yayo]

Now, now—I'm not saying being misgendered is fun, but ripping throats out is an excessive reaction. I'm sure she didn't MEAN offense even if she was ill informed/socially unaware.

[inenidok]

I ignore ignorance, its my life it does not affect theirs

[Annaiyah]

While I always notice pronouns, giving up on caring when people misgendered me was the key to me presenting female more. This same thing makes it easy to walk through a mall and not check to see if anyone noticed me in some way.

When friends have occasionally done the misgendering or dead naming, my comment is always, "As long as you are my friend, call me anything. And, if one is going to be stressed by words, this is the wrong business to be in."

OK. Words DO matter. But relationships matter more. With strangers, I smile at everyone who I think is looking at me funny. And, if they misgender me, I just move on. Makes the blood pressure so much more stable...

And I have found, over time, misgendering has occurred less often. I don't think I look any different. Maybe the attitude does make a difference... 

Kate

Well... I can't tell you what to do with your friends but personally, I would think any real friend or at least a half-decent friend would respect your gender identity and choice of pronouns, regardless if you're pre-op or post-op.

I have a "friend" who addresses me as my male name and pronouns, no matter how feminine I look and present myself, unless i jump down her throat about it. Other people could be involved and she will still intentionally misgender me!  The last straw was when she was showing her other friend something in her bra and had me exit the room, which now bothers the absolute hell out of me. It's not that I wanted to see her undressed but merely that i'm still a man to her and refuses to acknowledge me as anything but. Well... in that case... i refuse to acknowledge her as any friend of mine. I will do a separate thread discussing this in greater detail, but the thing about it is, i didn't think she was doing it out of malice, but now I'm starting to see otherwise. I want nothing further to do with her.

Yes!  Relationships are very important.

Yes!  Attitude almost always makes a difference!  Keep positive, smile.
Kindness goes a long way.

You sound like you have a great attitude and have it altogether!   

Chrissy

Now, now—I'm not saying being misgendered is fun, but ripping throats out is an excessive reaction. I'm sure she didn't MEAN offense even if she was ill informed/socially unaware.

All three of these responses I've quoted—especially Yayo's response—though very agreeable goes back to what I said way at the beginning which is vitally important: when in doubt, use gender neutral pronouns like they, them, their, they're, theirself, etc.

While, using gender neutral pronouns on a trans person or a person who doesn't appear all that much like the gender they're presenting themself as isn't addressing them as their preferred gender, it is being considerate enough not to flat-out misgender the individual, and it will save a whole lot of arguments, hostility, and confrontations in the long run, assuming of course that's the goal of the other person who genuinely has no malicious or ill intent against the trans person. Also, use of gender neutral pronouns could also dare i say, acknowledge the fact that the person may be agender and not identify with either particular gender at all!

That said, there really is no excuse for misgendering someone or not respecting someone's gender identity.