Does everyone go through the "Maybe I shouldn't do this" phase during hrt/transi

[AnneK]

The first time I wondered if I should be doing this was the first time I tried on my sister's tights and have asked myself that many times since then, including recently about going on HRT.  There were also times, like many others here, where I purged my female clothing collection, convinced I shouldn't be doing this.  It's entirely normal, as it is a very significant change.  Just accept that's who you are and go with it as best you can.

[Lexi Nexi]

The first time I wondered if I should be doing this was the first time I tried on my sister's tights and have asked myself that many times since then, including recently about going on HRT.  There were also times, like many others here, where I purged my female clothing collection, convinced I shouldn't be doing this.  It's entirely normal, as it is a very significant change.  Just accept that's who you are and go with it as best you can.

I know 100% that I'm trans, I was just wondering do I want to transition... but I think I was just feeling bad mentally and I'm getting over it now.

When I would cross dress when I thought I was a cross dresser I threw away my clothes a few times. Luckily the last time I didn't because that's still about 1/4 of my wardrobe. Each time the feeling would come back more and more and I realized that by the time I was in my 50's or 60's the desire would be overwhelming, but I would have lost my window to have the hormones work well. I was obsessed with being passible back then. Luckily I responded really well to the hormones so I think I did it just in time before I started aging with testosterone. But of course I have regrets that it would have worked really well if I was 16 or 18, but I couldn't have handled the social pressures back then unless I went homeschooled or moved to another school. I still have only came out to a few current friends, the rest I just left behind with the old me, I didn't know them well enough to be a part of my life. I also don't live anywhere near where I grew up so that helps. But now I will age gracefully with estrogen. Weird how the estrogen makes your face look younger.

[AnneK]

Well, I'm 65 and plan to start hormones soon.  Last Monday I asked my doctor to refer me for them.  One thing I've noticed is the trans feeling gets stronger with time.  Like you, I would love to have transitioned many years ago but, as with you, I was worried about social issues.  Also, back then, in Ontario, you had to see a psychiatrist in a program that was set up more as an obstacle course, than one to genuinely help trans people.  It was only in 2016 that things changed so much here.  I'm also envious of those who are recognized as trans as children.  They can go through things like puberty blockers, etc., so they get the most benefit from hormones.  When I was that age, I'd never heard the word "trans" and just thought there was something wrong with me.

[Lexi Nexi]

Well, I'm 65 an plan to start hormones soon.  Last Monday I asked my doctor to refer me for them.  One thing I've noticed is the trans feeling gets stronger with time.  Like you, I would love to have transitioned many years ago but, as with you, I was worried about social issues.  Also, back then, in Ontario, you had to see a psychiatrist in a program that was set up more as an obstacle course, than one to genuinely help trans people.  It was only in 2016 that things changed so much here.  I'm also envious of those who are recognized as trans as children.  They can go through things like puberty blockers, etc., so they get the most benefit from hormones.  When I was that age, I'd never heard the word "trans" and just thought there was something wrong with me.

I have a friend that just started hrt at 75 so it's never too late. She says just when she started the test blocker she felt better much better. I started taking the hormones for physical reasons, I was not aware of the mental change which is 50% or more of what the hormones do. I will never go off the estrogen it's the best I have ever felt. Works better then any antidepressant I have ever been on. 

[AnneK]

I have a friend that just started hrt at 75 so it's never too late. She says just when she started the test blocker she felt better much better. I started taking the hormones for physical reasons, I was not aware of the mental change which is 50% or more of what the hormones do. I will never go off the estrogen it's the best I have ever felt. Works better then any antidepressant I have ever been on.

I've been on an anti-androgen, dutasteride, coming up on 2 years.  However, I don't know that I feel better, other than relieving BPH.  I am certainly looking forward to taking estrogen.  I am looking for some physical changes, particularly breast growth, but understand that effects may be limited at my age.

[RobynD]

Your journey sounds like one of both wonderfulness and setbacks, some combination of those is necessary for every life, but I think in trans people the setbacks often seem harder because so few people can relate to exactly what we face.

At 3+ yrs on hormones, much of physical change is complete. Like you, I changed rapidly and early. I have 38D breasts (DD when my weight goes up, my body looks incredibly feminine. I still have privilege and I "should" feel blessed

The price has been huge losses, in family and friends (including my initially accepting marriage). Depression returned after initially losing the GD, have left me at times, with a feeling of loss of momentum and yeah that makes me question why on earth, I ever did this.

In the three years, my presentation has gone from tomgirl/androgynous to quite girlie, now back to more tomgirl. I sometimes believe we gravitate back to what we know in times of stress, even if what we know is not entirely perfect for us. I don't have any guy clothes anymore but I do find some solace in some level of masculinity at times and I won't be ashamed of that. I often remind myself that there is no right way to be a trans woman. I still get correctly gendered 90% of the time.

What I did gain though was a lot. New love, friends that truly understand me and the ability to be my authentic self without passing myself through the filter of other people. I think what you have faced is pretty common and only you can decide how to proceed, but there are many that face exactly what you have.

[NatalieRene]

I don't think I was explaining myself right. I have been full time female from april until late September always using the ladies room never going out in public as a guy until I got into that bad situation and mind set, and there were a few times in late sept and oct where I actually felt I didn't want to be trans. For the first time in months I went out dressed as a guy I was anxious and felt like I all of a sudden didn't have the courage any more.


But yesterday I went out and I felt like I had my courage back and made myself look pretty and was called she and miss all day. I felt better about myself after that.


I think its my really bad anxiety disorder is effecting me. I realized this as I re read this thread over the last few days.


Whats a carry letter? Sounds like something to carry a gun. I signed my state ID with my female name and the picture on it looks female.

It's nothing like that. It's a letter from your therapist that states that you are under their care and undergoing transition and that part of it is to be full time presenenting as a woman. The letter also typically has contact information for the therapist so that if anyone with authority gives you a hard time you can show it to them and avoid legal ramifications.

[Lexi Nexi]

It's nothing like that. It's a letter from your therapist that states that you are under their care and undergoing transition and that part of it is to be full time presenenting as a woman. The letter also typically has contact information for the therapist so that if anyone with authority gives you a hard time you can show it to them and avoid legal ramifications.

Have you ever had to use the letter? Do they just say "what are you doing in there?!" And you say "Here read this." And hope the bathroom isn't looking at you? What's their reaction like? Do they apologize or get hostile ? I go to a LGBT specialist doctors office and see a trans specialist doctor, and a trans specialist therapist, and trans specialist groups but they have never mentioned this letter. Maybe that's because my state is more progressive? I can carry around my medical record as paper copies are about as thick as five phone books, and that's just the ones I could find, less a few that have been lost. I want to turn them into an owners manual on the operation, proper care, service, maintenance and repair of a 1982 MtF Model T.

[Dany]

What do you mean 2 weeks? At two weeks I could feel mental changes but nothing physical that soon. What changed on you in two weeks? Did you just start dressing female and wearing make up and since you already looked female naturally people started calling you she?

Two or three years is quite average, When I started HRT I was expecting 2 years; and not start presenting female until the one year mark, but by chance it went much faster, I got impatient and started presenting female full time after 2 months. As soon as I went out people started saying miss/she which I wasn't expecting and that's what gave me the courage to keep going.


September was a fluke cause by an underlying anxiety disorder I had that popped out because of a trigger like PTSD that I have, from almost dying a few years back.


But seriously what happened at two weeks? For me at two weeks my facial hair was a tiny bit slower to grow but that was it.

I wasn't trying to pass you know, I also thought it'd take years for some reason, but it just didn't. At two weeks I was still wearing male clothes, which would be skinny jeans and a shirt, yet people were already using miss/she.

At 3 weeks I went to a Whitesnake concert and as we all know, there's separate lines for genders at the security check. Thinking that I wasn't passing, I went to the male one, when it was my turn, the security guy stopped in midair and said "Woman",ordering me to go to the other line. Quite awkward.

Since then my passability only improved as I look more and more womanly. You'd think that would help me kooking up with man, huh? Ironic and funnily enough it makes finding a man IMPOSSIBLE. They either wanna be with somebody who doesn't pass or even wants to pass and identifies as a "->-bleeped-<-", I mean, here in Brazil that's how they call themselves. Or they wanna be with a woman, a normal woman who has a vagina, that's the kind of men I end up attracting, dozens and dozens of them while there isn't a single one who says yes when I tell him about my curse. That's making life quite a challenge, you know, living without ever feeling pleasure, excitement, love, affection...let's hope I don't give up.

[Lexi Nexi]

I wasn't trying to pass you know, I also thought it'd take years for some reason, but it just didn't. At two weeks I was still wearing male clothes, which would be skinny jeans and a shirt, yet people were already using miss/she.

At 3 weeks I went to a Whitesnake concert and as we all know, there's separate lines for genders at the security check. Thinking that I wasn't passing, I went to the male one, when it was my turn, the security guy stopped in midair and said "Woman",ordering me to go to the other line. Quite awkward.

Since then my passability only improved as I look more and more womanly. You'd think that would help me kooking up with man, huh? Ironic and funnily enough it makes finding a man IMPOSSIBLE. They either wanna be with somebody who doesn't pass or even wants to pass and identifies as a "->-bleeped-<-", I mean, here in Brazil that's how they call themselves. Or they wanna be with a woman, a normal woman who has a vagina, that's the kind of men I end up attracting, dozens and dozens of them while there isn't a single one who says yes when I tell him about my curse. That's making life quite a challenge, you know, living without ever feeling pleasure, excitement, love, affection...let's hope I don't give up.

That is facinating, what specifically changed after two weeks? My doctor said I was changing at twice the normal rate for my age and I'm not passible after almost a year, while I'm called she its because I look feminine trans person not because they think I'm a woman. The first thing I got from hormones were things that only I would notice, soft skin change in smell reduction in body hair and chest started growing but by the time I took my first dose of estrogen I had low test for 4 or 5 months which jump started it. I only take the blocker to get that last bit of test down to female levels. I didn't have any physical changes until at least a month after they got me up to the full dose of estrogen AND blocker, so really 2 or 3 months into HRT 6 months since stopping test (I was on injections before). Did your doctor not start you off slowly and build it up? I have never heard of this and want to learn more. You must have passed before you started HRT I guess, I have seen some people that can, well never in real life but seen pictures of men that just look like women to start. Are you very young like 16 or 18?

[NatalieRene]

Have you ever had to use the letter? Do they just say "what are you doing in there?!" And you say "Here read this." And hope the bathroom isn't looking at you? What's their reaction like? Do they apologize or get hostile ? I go to a LGBT specialist doctors office and see a trans specialist doctor, and a trans specialist therapist, and trans specialist groups but they have never mentioned this letter. Maybe that's because my state is more progressive? I can carry around my medical record as paper copies are about as thick as five phone books, and that's just the ones I could find, less a few that have been lost. I want to turn them into an owners manual on the operation, proper care, service, maintenance and repair of a 1982 MtF Model T.

I never did but I lucked out in many ways.

The letter is there as evidence that you're not just a pervert off the street that was caught in the laddies room. It's insurance for get out of jail free just in case. My therapist was specialized and experienced. I chalk it up to caution.

[Clementineismine]

Doubts about transitioning?

Before HRT    YES

After HRT       NO

[Devlyn]

@Devlyn
Dear Devlyn:
If you hover your cursor over the blue check mark, the following message is displayed:
      "This user has been verified by staff."

I think it is a good thing that our Forums Administrator is verified by staff !!!!!

Hugs,
Danielle

Holy crap, I have one now, too! 

[NatalieRene]

What is the process for being verified?

[KathyLauren]

Doubts about transitioning?

Before HRT    YES

After HRT       NO

Hi, Clementineismine!

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[Devlyn]

What is the process for being verified?

I'm not sure. I have been here for the better part of a decade though, and held various positions on the Staff. Apparently someone thought I could be trusted. 

[HappyMoni]

I'm not sure. I have been here for the better part of a decade though, and held various positions on the Staff. Apparently someone thought I could be trusted. 

I think it more likely that they are 'checking' on you Devlyn.

[Lexi Nexi]

I'm not sure. I have been here for the better part of a decade though, and held various positions on the Staff. Apparently someone thought I could be trusted. 

Is verified a social thing or is it more like it sees you always use the same ip, or you have had X number of posts without an infraction?


What does it verify? What privileges and responsibilities come with it?


Back on topic:


Dani: What happens at two weeks? to your body? Do you have pictures that you use to track yourself? My doc told me todo this but I can't find the SD card from before the last few months. DOH! Now I'm curious, because in the bathroom today something about my reflection just looked more female then male, more then it normally does. I notice when my weight changes I get more comments When I lose weight no the girly parts like boobs don't shrink like they used to. I wasn't expecting my face to change at all, didn't think it was possible but it does look different. I'm going to try and find the pictures to show you guys maybe you can figure out why everyone says its different. Obviously the fat is redistributing but how does it do that? Once you know that you could use make up to exaggerate it more even if you are not responding as well. I like being called she without the make up though. That makes me feel like I have actually "done" it.

[KathyLauren]

I wasn't expecting my face to change at all, didn't think it was possible but it does look different.

Oh, yes the facial changes are among the most subtle, but the loveliest changes on HRT!  After a few months, I found myself liking the girl in the mirror.  These days, I can't even see a guy there any more.

[NatalieRene]

Is verified a social thing or is it more like it sees you always use the same ip, or you have had X number of posts without an infraction?


What does it verify? What privileges and responsibilities come with it?


Back on topic:


Dani: What happens at two weeks? to your body? Do you have pictures that you use to track yourself? My doc told me todo this but I can't find the SD card from before the last few months. DOH! Now I'm curious, because in the bathroom today something about my reflection just looked more female then male, more then it normally does. I notice when my weight changes I get more comments When I lose weight no the girly parts like boobs don't shrink like they used to. I wasn't expecting my face to change at all, didn't think it was possible but it does look different. I'm going to try and find the pictures to show you guys maybe you can figure out why everyone says its different. Obviously the fat is redistributing but how does it do that? Once you know that you could use make up to exaggerate it more even if you are not responding as well. I like being called she without the make up though. That makes me feel like I have actually "done" it.

Two weeks is fast. You might start to have some changes but for me it wasn't noticeable until around a month.

I don't have a bunch of photos from before but here is one of me before on the left and after about a year later.
https://imgur.com/a/GD9CzwH

These are from 3 months on HRT.
https://imgur.com/a/cKLrEXa