Dealing with silent dysphoira?? Bedtime and racing thoughts

[SailorMars1994]

This may not have been the best headline but from where I have been it's the only one I can come up with. I have had bad experiences with insomnia. I recall sleepless nights or hard to sleep nights. They were all, or nearly all due to dysphoira. Thankfully with the actions I have took aswell as positive results from hrt I don't deal with this so much. Actually since mid June I have had exactly two sleepless nights, one had little to do with dysphoira (girlfriend was leaving to UK) and thisnoast night, with was exclusive to dysphoira.

The thing is it's mkre annoying noise in the back of mind than the full blown mental meltdowns I used to have all to well. I am only 4 sessions into laser and need to shave still no less then two times a day. I may not "see" the stubble with foundation cakes onto face but I can still feel it after about 10 hours give or take. And thise feels are enough to give me much discomfort. Now working night shifts I sometimes have to do my last shave at 8 pm and give or take won't be able to get robbed from work till 3/300 am. If I had a decent day I am rather centered, if something semi triggered some type of dysphoira and that feeling lingered I will almost be assured to have insecurities creep up at that point. Issue is I don't want to shave at 4 am as that would still make feel very uncomfortable as the act of shaving also makes me feel not good (thankfully I get a smooth face after).

I am laying in bed still feeling decent about the rest of me and I have done tremendous amount of progress in the past 5 months especially which is why I can write this calmly even if annoyed by dysphoira. Back in May or before I would be having extreme meltdown.  Has anyone else had to get past a similar mental block?

[KathyLauren]

I used to get bad insomnia.  It was like mental static.  No fully-formed thoughts, because my mind would jump from one thought to another faster than the thoughts could form.  Mostly, it was from dysphoria, though I didn't know it at the time.

I managed my insomnia by making sure I had minimal worries before bedtime: bills all paid, house repairs all completed, etc.  I made sure to get some down time, off the computer and reading a book, before bedtime.  All of which helped, but didn't make the dysphoria go away.

I hear you on shaving.  I hate it.  A girl shouldn't have to shave.  Still, it's got to be done.  I am closing in on two years of weekly electrolysis, and I am thinking that, in a few months, I can slow down that schedule.  What a long @#$% haul!

I can't give you any advice other than to hang in there.  If slow progress towards your goals is getting you down, remember that you are making progress and be happy about that.

[Jennifer M]

I've had hard insomnia for about eight years now. I have wondered if my dysphoria is related to it, because when the insomnia started I had deep thoughts about whether it was time to take the plunge and start transitioning. (It probably wasn't.) Or it could be that I have insomnia simply because I can't get my brain to shut off when I want it. I don't know.

[Angelic]

This may not have been the best headline but from where I have been it's the only one I can come up with. I have had bad experiences with insomnia. I recall sleepless nights or hard to sleep nights. They were all, or nearly all due to dysphoira. Thankfully with the actions I have took aswell as positive results from hrt I don't deal with this so much. Actually since mid June I have had exactly two sleepless nights, one had little to do with dysphoira (girlfriend was leaving to UK) and thisnoast night, with was exclusive to dysphoira.

The thing is it's mkre annoying noise in the back of mind than the full blown mental meltdowns I used to have all to well. I am only 4 sessions into laser and need to shave still no less then two times a day. I may not "see" the stubble with foundation cakes onto face but I can still feel it after about 10 hours give or take. And thise feels are enough to give me much discomfort. Now working night shifts I sometimes have to do my last shave at 8 pm and give or take won't be able to get robbed from work till 3/300 am. If I had a decent day I am rather centered, if something semi triggered some type of dysphoira and that feeling lingered I will almost be assured to have insecurities creep up at that point. Issue is I don't want to shave at 4 am as that would still make feel very uncomfortable as the act of shaving also makes me feel not good (thankfully I get a smooth face after).

I am laying in bed still feeling decent about the rest of me and I have done tremendous amount of progress in the past 5 months especially which is why I can write this calmly even if annoyed by dysphoira. Back in May or before I would be having extreme meltdown.  Has anyone else had to get past a similar mental block?

I have something similar. I am so insecure as you are. Except it always happens in the morning. The racing thoughts. When I wake up. I think about all the transwomen who were cruel to me. And how I'm afraid the trans community will hate me and give me no support. And that I am in a harsh cruel cold world all alone. And how people are rotten to their core and evil. And that noone will love me. And that I will never pass. And it makes me feel suicidal and want to die. And yet I am afraid to commit suicide. Because I'm afraid I will reincarnate back into this world and have to suffer again. And every morning I feel these horrible oppressive feelings of gloom doom and despair.

[Tara P]

I have a lot of trouble sleeping too because of these racing thoughts that just won't stop or go away.  They range from "there is no way you can transition just kill yourself" to "you are finally on a path to transitioning, stick with it" and anything in between.  I find distracting myself by reading a book or something similar can help some, but I still struggle a lot with this.  It's a bad cycle to get in too because getting poor sleep just tends to make things even worse the next day. 

[Angelic]

I have a lot of trouble sleeping too because of these racing thoughts that just won't stop or go away.  They range from "there is no way you can transition just kill yourself" to "you are finally on a path to transitioning, stick with it" and anything in between.  I find distracting myself by reading a book or something similar can help some, but I still struggle a lot with this.  It's a bad cycle to get in too because getting poor sleep just tends to make things even worse the next day. 

I can relate. Except the racing thoughts happen to me in the morning, instead of at night. What if that is why mornings are called morning. Because its like mourning.

[Lynne]

Yes, dysphoria and trans related thoughts creep up on me by night quite a lot and then comes the insomnia. It usually starts with a feeling that I don't want it to be tomorrow morning when I have to get up and pretend to be a man so I prolong my day by going to bed later than ideal.
Sometimes my mind is racing, I have this anxiety kind of thing going on, can't calm down and get even more nervous as time goes on because I know I should be sleeping, it's a vicious circle.
I usually drink camomile tea, it sometimes helps but most likely it's more of a placebo effect, sometimes watching old episodes of shows I like can help somewhat but there are times when it seems that there is nothing I can do.

[Alice (nym)]

5:30am... will be up again at 8am.

I live on 2-4 hours sleep per night. I have done for 4 years now.

It wouldn't be so bad if the time was productive but it isn't.

Admittedly it is not all dysphoria... other stresses and anxieties of life add to it. But dysphoria plays its part too.
The most annoying thing is that I actually like being asleep because I dream vividly and in those dreams I am either female or a fly on the wall observing. Even my worse nightmares are better than reality most of the time.

[Angelic]

5:30am... will be up again at 8am.

I live on 2-4 hours sleep per night. I have done for 4 years now.

It wouldn't be so bad if the time was productive but it isn't.

Admittedly it is not all dysphoria... other stresses and anxieties of life add to it. But dysphoria plays its part too.
The most annoying thing is that I actually like being asleep because I dream vividly and in those dreams I am either female or a fly on the wall observing. Even my worse nightmares are better than reality most of the time.

Yeah I know what you mean. Like somehow my nightmares are more entertaining and less dreadful/despairish than real life. Like when I am in male mode, normal activities that people enjoy, like shopping at a food store, just make me feel stressed, just feeling angry and male that noone loves me. And when I go to the store as a female I don't pass and people give me hateful looks. So its always nothing but stress. Except when I am playing videogames and I feel like a female. Then I feel comfortable for once. I admit sometimes I play male games with a male character. I play those games when I feel really desperate and angry at being male and noone loves me. And I just feel hatred at being alive and I play those games, like devil may cry 4 for instance as an angst violent male. And the lyrics match how i feel, talking about blades and breathing their very last breathe, and my heart is filled with hateful thoughts of wanting the enemies in the game to suffer.

[SailorMars1994]

Thank you all for the replies! As I said it is funny in a way. I had a bad time tossin and turininf and when I got out of laying down at 7 am yesterday I felt out of it, over tired. However I didn't have one meltdown or nothing or even feel agitation. I went to shopping and even went to work. I told my supervisor when I got on I was up for 32 hours. Later on as the night went he told me" for someone who hasn't slept at all you doing really well" lol. Idk I was jut going with whatever. Slept like log last night tho!