Quote from: Dena on November 10, 2018, 08:40:49 PM
I have seen the many threads you have started and a good deal of the problem is the approach your taking to solve your issues. When I solve problems in programming, I attempt to eliminate as many issues as possible leaving me with a simplified problem to solve. Once the problem becomes simple, coming up with an answer becomes much less difficult.
Many of the threads are smoke screens that obscure the real problem. You ask can I have a relationship. Am I to tall. I won't ever pass so I shouldn't transition. People are going to attack me if I attempt to transition and many other things you have posted. To simplify it, forget every question but one. Are you uncomfortable enough with your male identity that you need to transition? Most of the other issues can be dealt with. Passing isn't as important as many think Many of us don't pass and we can live normal lives with few or no issues.
It is a matter of your state of mind. If your unable to see this with your self examination or by our example, you need to consider a therapist as soon as possible. A therapist will help you cut through all the smoke and discover what the correct answer is for you. If your unable to afford it, possibly you will be able to find a therapist that charges on a sliding scale where you pay what you can afford.
It's not so simple. Also programming is not simple either lol.
I guess in programming terms I could quantify it as this. I spent years being unhappy as a male. If I could quantify it in numbers I would say it made me unproductive. Unstable, and wasting time fighting thoughts in my mind.
My psychology is not so simple either. For instance, I will get racing thoughts looping that noone loves me and that I will die unloved and alone. And it loops how I'm such a great person, why doesn't anyone appreciate me, why are people so cold and unloving and it feels like I'm fighting a zombie infestation of evil. During these time I feel angst, hatred, and despair. And I feel full of anger and desperation, like a caged animal. During these times I don't feel dysphoria in the mirror...with my clothes on and face shaved. However if my clothes are off, my hatred and rage builds to the extreme and I hyper ventilate and dissociate from my male body...if my mustache is not shaved I do not hyper ventilate, but only dissacioate. So I am never really happy as a male in the classical sense...its just there I are times I do not feel dysphoria, as long as my clothes are on and I am shaved. And during these times I am filled with hate, anger and despair, with feelings of avarice, feelings like the only way I can get a woman to love me is if I have money. And that it is a tough cold world without love or compassion and just a world of evil. My mind is further complicated by the fact that is better explained by cartoons. For instance there is a 90's cartoon with Joker and Harlequinn. When Joker is flirted with by Harlequinn he gets angry and does not know how to process the situation. I do not know if I am as extreme as he is. But when I try to flirt with girls I clam up, I do not know how to process the situation. When people call me by my male name or male pronouns I grow red with anger. I try to fight it and say "Nothing wrong with it, just be cool with it and be male." But every time I hear it I feel like a pain through my skull and grow red with anger. Now to further elaborate the solution is not so simple. It is unknown if I can actually escape my male identity, I consider not passing as still being trapped within the vines of my male identity.
