For those that know me they know I want a relationship really bad. I am an artist, being of pleasure, and I need emotional support. I am the kind of person who needs beautiful art and organic foods. And to have sex and pleasure. And to have emotional support. And to not live in a concrete jungle. I am an aesthete. A higher being, yet forced to live in the lower, realms of misery. I am nearly 30 and never got the blessing of a real relationship with anyone. So I turned angry and demonic. Because it doesn't feel fair. And it feels like people are making the conscious choice to send me to hell and deny heaven, aka cloud 9, to me.

I think my brain being female has made me unable to feel comfortable as a male. But I googled how to date women. Because I don't want the bathhouse lifestyle. I want a kind and loving woman. Not to screw with random dudes. So I google how to date women. And they tell me how to act like a man and confident. So I try. But no luck. I feel fake and frustrated. No success. No love.

And the years go by. I've been trying to be the successful man so long I feel numb. Like that I lost my trans feelings and went numb. Like clockwork orange. And I feel dissassociated. Like I see in a man in the mirror. But no motivation to do anything. Like no feelings just numb. Not knowing what the point of anything is. Feeling nihilism. Like lost of the joy of living. Trying to fit the role of a man so long. Not noticing I was losing my will to live also.

So the other day I indulged myself the first time in ages. Imagined I had big boobs. And that a girl was behind me playing with my imaginary boobs. And I felt alive again. It was like the end of clockwork orange, when they finally debrainwashed him and made him feel his old self again. And I once again felt the joy of life and that life was worth living again and that I was alive.

I have seen the many threads you have started and a good deal of the problem is the approach your taking to solve your issues. When I solve problems in programming, I attempt to eliminate as many issues as possible leaving me with a simplified problem to solve. Once the problem becomes simple, coming up with an answer becomes much less difficult.

Many of the threads are smoke screens that obscure the real problem. You ask can I have a relationship. Am I to tall. I won't ever pass so I shouldn't transition. People are going to attack me if I attempt to transition and many other things you have posted. To simplify it, forget every question but one. Are you uncomfortable enough with your male identity that you need to transition? Most of the other issues can be dealt with. Passing isn't as important as many think Many of us don't pass and we can live normal lives with few or no issues.

It is a matter of your state of mind. If your unable to see this with your self examination or by our example, you need to consider a therapist as soon as possible. A therapist will help you cut through all the smoke and discover what the correct answer is for you. If your unable to afford it, possibly you will be able to find a therapist that charges on a sliding scale where you pay what you can afford.

Quote from: Dena on November 10, 2018, 08:40:49 PM
I have seen the many threads you have started and a good deal of the problem is the approach your taking to solve your issues. When I solve problems in programming, I attempt to eliminate as many issues as possible leaving me with a simplified problem to solve. Once the problem becomes simple, coming up with an answer becomes much less difficult.

Many of the threads are smoke screens that obscure the real problem. You ask can I have a relationship. Am I to tall. I won't ever pass so I shouldn't transition. People are going to attack me if I attempt to transition and many other things you have posted. To simplify it, forget every question but one. Are you uncomfortable enough with your male identity that you need to transition? Most of the other issues can be dealt with. Passing isn't as important as many think Many of us don't pass and we can live normal lives with few or no issues.

It is a matter of your state of mind. If your unable to see this with your self examination or by our example, you need to consider a therapist as soon as possible. A therapist will help you cut through all the smoke and discover what the correct answer is for you. If your unable to afford it, possibly you will be able to find a therapist that charges on a sliding scale where you pay what you can afford.

It's not so simple. Also programming is not simple either lol.

I guess in programming terms I could quantify it as this. I spent years being unhappy as a male. If I could quantify it in numbers I would say it made me unproductive. Unstable, and wasting time fighting thoughts in my mind.
My psychology is not so simple either. For instance, I will get racing thoughts looping that noone loves me and that I will die unloved and alone. And it loops how I'm such a great person, why doesn't anyone appreciate me, why are people so cold and unloving and it feels like I'm fighting a zombie infestation of evil. During these time I feel angst, hatred, and despair. And I feel full of anger and desperation, like a caged animal. During these times I don't feel dysphoria in the mirror...with my clothes on and face shaved. However if my clothes are off, my hatred and rage builds to the extreme and I hyper ventilate and dissociate from my male body...if my mustache is not shaved I do not hyper ventilate, but only dissacioate. So I am never really happy as a male in the classical sense...its just there I are times I do not feel dysphoria, as long as my clothes are on and I am shaved. And during these times I am filled with hate, anger and despair, with feelings of avarice, feelings like the only way I can get a woman to love me is if I have money. And that it is a tough cold world without love or compassion and just a world of evil. My mind is further complicated by the fact that is better explained by cartoons. For instance there is a 90's cartoon with Joker and Harlequinn. When Joker is flirted with by Harlequinn he gets angry and does not know how to process the situation. I do not know if I am as extreme as he is. But when I try to flirt with girls I clam up, I do not know how to process the situation. When people call me by my male name or male pronouns I grow red with anger. I try to fight it and say "Nothing wrong with it, just be cool with it and be male." But every time I hear it I feel like a pain through my skull and grow red with anger. Now to further elaborate the solution is not so simple. It is unknown if I can actually escape my male identity, I consider not passing as still being trapped within the vines of my male identity.

Some people need little therapy when they transition. Much of it is because they fit easily into the new role or they have learned the lesson that other people's opinion isn't as important as yours. It's clear that the best way for you to break out of this type of thinking will be to have help putting your issues into perspective. There is nothing wrong with needing seeing a therapist as it helps you see your issues from the viewpoint of another person. Make a promise to start looking for a therapist next week. I am sure after a few appointments you will start to see what I am talking about.

Please please Angelic take Dana's advice and seek a therapist as soon as you can. You need to break this cycle you are in and professional help can really help you do this

Already been in therapy my whole life. I was always more comfortable with female therapists. One time I had a female therapist who misgendered me so I got angry and quit. Got a new female therapist who I knew from 5 years ago. Told her I had feelings for her. She wanted nothing to do with me and I broke down crying. Of course she'd date the rich white guy instead of me. Then I was banned from having a female therapist for 4 years, just for telling her I had feelings for her. I didn't even physically touch her. So yeah therapy is just so great isn't it. America is a cold cruel place that enjoys seeing you suffer. Now I'm finally unbanned and seeing another female therapist. She seems a lot nicer. But still I wish they'd legalize witches again so they could lift the evil curse thats on me. They banned witches and replaced them with therapists.

As for my dysphoria, my face is androgenous and female looking but not enough that I pass. So I'm just stuck in a realm of mediocrity where I don't feel extreme discomfort but not enough to put me over the edge. What puts me over the edge is my facial hair and the fact that noone loves me or gives me attention on sites like facebook or fetlife. I dont use okcupid because everyone there is judgey and it feels likes noone there I can relate to, it seems elitist and people on there seem stuck up.

And the worst is I keep having these dreams where I am a beautiful, sexy woman and being chased and dating the people I love. Then I wake up in the morning and its not real. And it feels like this pain in my chest like my heart is poisoned and probably black with decay. And that it makes me feel like an evil pirate like Davey Jones. Last night I had a dream I was a transsexual getting laid with another transsexual, and then a plane flew over and it was about Donald Trump banning transsexuals, then I woke up. Before that I had a dream I was a transsexual at school looking for the woman I love and found one of my old best friends who was no longer mean to me but still his mean usual self, making fun of me for being trans.

Whatever is the cause(s) of your uncomfortable feelings and significant problems (We ALL have problems!) I sure hope that they can go away or be mitigated so you can live in peace.  Do not try to solve this alone, be as open as you can with a professional helping you, and try one sensible thing after another that might help you out.  Do not ever give up.

Chrissy

Quote from: ChrissyRyan on November 11, 2018, 10:43:19 AM
Whatever is the cause(s) of your uncomfortable feelings and significant problems (We ALL have problems!) I sure hope that they can go away or be mitigated so you can live in peace.  Do not try to solve this alone, be as open as you can with a professional helping you, and try one sensible thing after another that might help you out.  Do not ever give up.

Chrissy

Thanks Chrissy. And yes I believe all transsexuals have rough lives even the ones who pass. But the ones who pass do not have it as rough as mine. But more rough than most cis though.