Such a dilemma with no real answer.
Can I live in stealth? Yes I can... for most of the world to see, perhaps all. Can it come crashing down if anyone found out? In a heartbeat.
This is such a sketchy area. I absolutely hate that glitch in the matrix when someone finds out that I am trans. That reset pause. Some people step through that curtain and never think twice, some do a double take and if given enough time take hesitant steps and go past it, and some will turn around and never see the me behind the veil of their perceptions. Too many shut me out entirely for me to readily and openly admit that I am trans. More than anything else I despise that blank look before they understand what I am saying because I don't know how it will end. Can we move on as we were a moment ago or are you going to shut me out?
It is not even that simple. If you have enough friends one of them will not keep their mouth shut, guaranteed. I have have had a friend ask a waiter after I left, Hard to believe she was not born a girl huh? It was at a restaurant near my house and I go there often, he is gay and indifferent but told me I should be more careful who I told.
Still not that simple. Just happened this morning so still raw. My group of friends are pretty tight, we get together often. There are nine of us, four couples and my one widowed girlfriend who says that she will never be with a man again. My one friend's husband before we got seated paid more attention to me than I was comfortable with then said, I better sit next to my wife before I get in trouble. She said, Too late. She went to the bathroom with me then later and as we were washing our hands she looked at me in the mirror, close to tears she says, You are not even a girl. I don't know if I feel more guilt for not firmly making him know before now that behavior like that was unacceptable or pain at how someone I thought understood me actually sees me.
What we see as acceptance, what we see as tolerance is not immutable and can disappear.
My life was a lie before now, not as in me pretending to be male, but all of it. I never told the truth about my life. I didn't think that anyone could know the real me and want anything to do with it so I lied about everything. I know you don't understand anymore than someone who is not trans understands how you feel but it is no less real, there are one or two that do understand. I was not bad in any way but I was unwanted and mistreated, and to a child that is always your fault. It is such a problem now that I have transitioned even though I hid from it my whole life, I bring it up all of the time and I am trying to stop that. I will not lie now. As a pathological liar before, I absolutely refuse to lie now. Not for any moral reason, I only have three actual rules I believe in. Take responsibility for myself. Don't hurt anyone else. Help those I can. That is it. I do not owe my family, the world or the trans community anything. I have paid. I will not lie about me because that pain never ends and I will not live it again. Whatever comes I will face it and never be ashamed again of who I am.
It is not about reality this question, reality is anyone can can know at any time so everyone can know at every time. It is about day to day life and how we interact with the world. It is easier if those closest to us know, but if they know everyone can know. It is about knowing the person across from you may despise you but you are okay with that.
It probably is easier for me but I am learning a new way.
Be safe but also be comfortable with what the world is seeing, somewhere in there is where we belong.
