So this thread is not starting pre hrt. I am now 14 weeks since starting hormones and blockers, but maybe starting a little late is ok. I am 36 years old and I am a transgender woman.
I have known, like many of you, about my being different from the normal since 5 or 6 years old. My most vivid memory was of my dad shaving in the bathroom while I was sitting next to him on the sink. I loved to go around acting as cute as I could and smiling really big to try and get others to smile back at me. I did this to my dad and he said, not in a negative way, that I would have made a really good girl. This was the first time that someone had seen "me" and I felt so validated! I never spoke about this to anyone until this year, and I grew up knowing that how I felt was not "acceptable". I have three other brothers and I grew up in a very masculine household. My dad played college football, was always lifting weights, constantly took us to gun shows or target shooting, and had us in martial arts at the age of 4.
I had no sisters and my mom was the only feminine source I had. I can remember in 1st grade, my hand being smacked by the teacher for braiding a girls hair. In middle school my nickname was "switch", because of the way I walked (wide hips). I purposely went as far away from anything feminine for fear of my true self being revealed.
At 17 things became only worse when I had a Christian experience and felt self condemned for my feelings. I became a pharisee among pharisees and judged not only myself but others around me. This dark period continued for 13 more years until I reached a tipping point, relizing how foolish I was, and also begining to understand forgiveness and grace.
I married at the age of 21 and we have now been married for going on 15 years. She has helped me grow in love and understanding so much and thus far we are still together. But everyday is different.
In May of this year I had another tipping point. Thus far I had been able to keep my dysphoria secret, but I had several stressful incidents occur including selling our house, preparing to possibly move across the county, job worries, family difficulties, and giant diet change (changed to vegan). I quickly found my dysphoria out of control.
I could no longer continue to live without life, to be walking dead, not myself.
I didn't know who or where to turn. My mind/emotions/despair was so deep that I was having tunnel vision. I was able to find a local psychologist who was lgbt friendly, but I would have to wait for an appointment. I googled transgender chat and found myself chatting with a live person, whom I told what was happening to me. The person was very patient with me and after all my ranting wrote, "What your writing is that you are 'coming out'". It was like a revalation! Yes, I was coming out! What a perfect saying. I had heard this before, but now the saying was meaningful/personal. For some reason I felt a joy/comfort/peace after this.
This gave me a deep appreciation for people who volunteer to help through these chat lines. I am honestly not sure who I would have turned to or what I would have done because I was in a desperate state.
Thus began a series of events for coming out. I did and am still doing so much self learning about what it means to be transgender, and I have learned sooooooo much through you all here in Susan's Place. I could literally write a book about the last six months since coming out. There have been so many ups and downs, so many moments of joy and grief, of love and fear.
I must say that one of the greatest joys I have received from coming out is finding my voice. Literally. I never used to talk. My own parents tell me this, and I now know that it was a self defense mechanism because when I speak I inevitably will reveal who I am. But I started voice training 5 months ago and through it discovered that I really love to sing! And others tell me that I have a good voice. In order for me to voice train at home, I have found that singing is the best way for me to do so. My pitch has greatly improved through this and it is so much fun, especially through a singing app I use.
Another fun thing I have been doing is taking at least one selfie a week to document my changes. I will try to post a picture, but it is amazing to see how the facial expressions have changed. I could not smile or express joy before coming out but slowly that has changed.
Here's a short video I made of just the changes over the last 6 months ><
On the darker side. My family have basically outcasted me. I have made a thread on this already, but the current climate is that I am an embarrassment to the family. My siblings refuse to not only not communicate with me, but they will not let me see my nephews and neices. My parents still see and speak with me, but it is guarded conversations. My wife is slowly accepting things. I am not sure how things will go when I get my adams apple reduction in 3 months and orchiectomy in 9 months.
I have met wonderful trans friends, especially through Susan's. I have met multiple trans persons in the last 6 months working as a PACU nurse. I don't know if I was just ignorant before, but since coming out I somehow run into our peeps all the time!
For the medical/psychological portion: My mind became almost immediately more calm (2 or 3 days in). My endocrinologist started me on Estradiol patches and spironolactone, and my 4 month appointment is early December, when hopefully she will at least double my doses. Physically I haven't seen too many changes. My chest/buds definately are always tender and there is a little growth. I have had 5 facial hair laser treatments, and have seen 85% reduction. I stopped exercising for a few months because I have alot of lean muscle and veins on my arms. I will resume yoga and cardio in maybe 3 more months. My diet has been vegan since 08/2017.
Measurements:
07/13/2018
Height: 74 in
Weight: 150#
Neck: 14in
Shoulders: 44in
Chest: 37in
Waist: 28.5in
Hips: 36.5in
Labs:
05/02/18 (pre hrt)
Hgba1c: 4.6
Cholesterol: 142
Triglycerides: 33
VLDL Cholesterol: 7
LDL cholesterol: 62
Cholesterol/HDL Ratio: 1.9
HLD: 73
08/01/18 (pre hrt)
Hgb: 15.7
Plt: 185
K+: 4.2
BUN: 9
Creatinine: 0.8
Protein: 6.9
Estradiol, serum: 32.6
Prolactin, serum: 5.1
Testosterone, total: 460
Testosterone, free: 15
T4 free: 0.96
TSH: 1.230
08/30/18 (3 weeks HRT)
K+: 3.8
BUN: 15
Creatinine: 0.7
