Quote from: gracefulhat on May 01, 2019, 12:14:35 PM
Intimacy:
So we haven't been intimate for nearly one year. I haven't had a big sex drive and so the famine hasn't been difficult...until now. Not that I'm wanting to have sex necessarily, but I want someone physically closer. Maybe I'm advertising this to others unknowingly because I am receiving signals from others and it scares me. I am married and I don't want to be polyamorous because I know it would ruine my marriage (because of her spiritual beliefs), and I don't want that. I love her but it's getting more difficult because my mind and emotions sometimes stray.
I'm hesitant to make a follow up about this post, but in order to keep this thread real I believe it's necessary. I am also posting about this because I know I made the right choice for everyone involved (personal details have been excluded for protection, purposely being vague)
In the previous post I had mentioned receiving and sending signals. I also mentioned "others" when infact it was just one person. I had just met them last week and it was like a magnet, not really sexually but personality and interests wise. After leaving them I found myself thinking about them for a few days. They had told me things that made me feel good about myself, and they were things that I have alot of insecurities about. They also told me they were polyamorous which I had to educate myself on. After knowing what it meant I found my mind wandering and thinking about certain possibilities. This is all new for me, at least for the last 15 years and it gave me excitement that someone wanted to be with me and found me beautiful. We met again yesterday (both times in a group) and the feelings/magnetism was not a fluke, but had elevated. I now found myself physically drawn to them and more possibilities were popping up. Was it just me? Was it all in my imagination?
After departing and driving home my mind was going bonkers. I am not someone who enjoys duality in my life. I love to be open and honest as possible (as evidence by this public thread) and guilt began to creep in. I hadn't done anything physically to feel guilty about, but mentally... And I know that thoughts give birth to action. There's also a thrill about secrets and I know that if the secret is opened then the excitement will often evaporate.
So I decided to call.
I told them that I was attracted them, that it felt like a magnet. To my surprise, they reciprocated the same feelings and was going to text me something similar when they arrived home. With my body screaming one thing and my mind screaming another my mind was grey.
My spouse and I had spoken about not restricting the other sexually, but I know that it was just talk. The reality of our expectations I intuitively know are that we will be faithful to each other and somehow in the end be one again as a couple (even sexually).
So I told them that they are an amazing person (which they also said about me and it felt good), but that I couldn't further the relationship. They were very kind, gentle and understanding. They assured me that our relationship could be whatever was comfortable for me, but that whenever I wanted we could take things further.
After the call I sat in my car and there was still a nervous feeling in my stomach, like I haven't fully addressed the issue. There still remained that temptation that things could go further, and I am a very simple person. I am not able to keep a relationship like that. So I called them back and told them it's not fair for them because they shouldn't wait for me. That they have needs and need to be with someone that will meet them. That I am already mentally on edge and that I can't mentally take this right now (there were many explicits that I used). They asked me if I needed space and I said yes, that I'm sorry but I cannot do this relationship. They apologized multiple times and I ended it by saying I have to go. Afterwards I deleted and blocked their phone number and Facebook. Not because of them but because of me. I don't trust myself around them.
I then called my T-mom, an amazing woman who has been there for me through out my transition. She answered and I with great emotion described what had happened. She listened and in the end told me that she thought I made the most responsible decision. That time will help decrease feelings.
So here I am the next morning and I am relieved by my decision. My body has calmed down and my mind is back in control. I thought I wasn't a very sexual person, but this last week has thrown me for a loop.
