6 yrs HRT 2 yrs postop and i question ability to pass more than ever b4 (MTF)

[Kayla9639]

so i am going to preface my post with i feel more than a bit of distress, not looking for the feel good emotional support, looking for strategies. 

So yesterday marked year six on HRT:) i started on thanksgiving for reasons not going to share here and also b/c it was going to be easy to remember.

the only FFS i had was 2 rhino's.  i had breast aug and GRS.  all surgeries out of pocket and still paying on GRS:(   i thought i was passing fairly well since surgery, i had plenty of hookups and most of the guys had no clue until they saw surgical scars which is also on my list of things to address.  over last year we experienced a huge shortage of injectable E so i was using oral, i think i lost some femininity in my face b/c of this.  just got my new script of EV this week:)  so now i'm super distressed about my ability to pass, i dont have cash to FFS or even enough to go to thailand,since i want all the surgeries no clue what to do if i can only afford one procedure. i know some of my ability to pass has to do with way i'm dressed.   i have nobody i can count on to give me truly honest feedback, my psychiatrist, gender therapist, ADHD therapist and many other professionals think i'm super passable. a few days ago i started using oral progesterone& E as vaginal suppository as i felt it might be more effective.  also wondering if progesterone is worth considering

this morning i treated like any other morning, after a few hours at work i looked in the mirror and saw very masculine image staring back:(  i had to leave work, and this was ok today b/c i was told i didnt even need to come in today, i just want to stay home and never go out again.  found another top that seems to work better and put my crappy hair in a ponytail. 

i am super sensitive about passing. 

if anyone is willing to talk to me, what clothing/hair styles seem to work better?  my hair is currently red, thinking about going brown but fear my hairline will be more obvious, and next FFS, none of my features are horrible by themselves just add them all up it and its not working, considering more feminine chin or nose.   thoughts? 




*No Dosages Please*

[V M]

Sure, progesterone is worth considering - Discuss it with your Dr.

[gracefulhat]

Kayla, would you be willing to post some pictures of the clothes you're wearing and maybe face too? I will give honest yet gentle feedback.

[Colleen_definitely]

Are people misgendering you?  I've learned that you really can't trust your own eye when it comes to passing.

[Rachel]

I am 5.5 years on HRT and 2 years post op too.

I do know we continue to change in time and on HRT. I am very self conscious about passing. I am 6'2" so it is tough. I do know as I lose fat and gain muscle in certain areas I look better. I spin and ruck so I am losing fat from my middle and other areas. When I look at other woman in spinning I think I look about in the middle of the pack.

I look at what other woman wear at work and I am developing my own style. I get my hair colored and next time I will get a light trim to even out my hair. I am pretty happy with my hair and it is a huge help.

I wear light makeup to work. On the weekends I may wear light makeup or not, never when I exercise.

At some point I pretty much gave up on caring so much. it still is on my mind and I think I look pretty good but no matter what I am not 100%, I think. My therapist thinks I am 100% and thinks I am not seeing how I look in the mirror.

When I spin I look at the other woman. There are all kinds in the class. There are about 60 bikes and only one or two guys sometimes. Anyhow, there are two competition type woman there. Very muscular and super heavy spinners. I was thinking that they modified their bodies to feel better about themselves and how is that different than what I did. Anyhow, just some light spinning thoughts.

I had FFS, I really looked bad before FFS, in my opinion. I had my work ID taken the night before I came out and I need to get a pic at a photographer or someplace. I do not look anything like I do in the pic. My old passport had my old name and pic on it. I had trouble reentering into the country one time. Now If I still had it I think I would have a very difficult time explaining. My new passport is about 1.5 years old and I wish I could update the pic.

If I were to do FFS over I would do it in phases and not all at once. The most important thing for me was the brows and brow bossing. Dr. Spiegel said woman would pay good money for my nose so no nose job needed. Actually my nose is really nice. I had a far head lowering which was a help. The scar on my scalp was so embarrassing until I had hair transplants. Hair transplants were a huge help. I think I would have gone to another doctor for my jaw and chin. Then the lower and mid face lift a year later. The blethoplasty Dr. Spiegel did is awesome and I get complements form other plastic surgeons. It looks fantastic.

Anyhow I understand how you feel. I hope at some point you can see your true self. In the mean time I hope you are kind to yourself.

Rachel

[PurplePelican]

Are people misgendering you?  I've learned that you really can't trust your own eye when it comes to passing.

If the medical professionals in your life are telling you that you pass and we all know we are THE WORST judges of our own appearance, isn't it possible you may on the wrong track?

[KatieP]

Another strategy, perhaps, especially for "those days:" Find a professional makeup artist, and learn the colors, contouring, and shading that gives you FFS-for-a-day...

I haven't actually done this, but have always thought I should do that.

Kate