I seem to waffle again

[Linde]

Here I thought that am deeply into transition, and felt for some time now like a woman for close to 100%.
I must have pulled a muscle yesterday, because I woke up with a lot of pain, and m living more or less on Tylenol.

I needed to go out and buy some stuff, and decided to put guys stuff on, because that is so much easier and faster.

When I did that, it did not bother me at all to comb my hair like a guy, or do all the male rituals one does to go out of the house.  It seems that I still feel as comfy in male clothing as I do in female.  It was kind of fun to watch the checkout person.  Here I was, the funny looking guy with earrings, and a semi female hair do, who had a rather high voice, and who bought female products only.  I don't think that she gendered me male!

Anyway, male clothing or presenting as a male did not bother me at all.  I tried to think about If and what kind of dysphoria I have, I could not think about anything.  Now that I know I can find female shoes for my feet, and my hands look pretty decent, those reasons for dysphoria have gone away.
The only parts of me which I dislike, are my genitals.  But not that I hate them, I just dislike them for comfort reasons.

My testes hurt when I touch them only very gently, and they are always in the way when i want to sit down.  I would not mind if they would leave me tomorrow.  I have a "take it or leave it" relation to my penis.  it is handy for peeing if I am in male mode, but always in the way in female mode.
There is nothing that forces me to be female, or male, except my wish to be female, because I seem to like the female life better than the male life.

I did not like my previous gender fluid life much, because it confused me and the people around me.  I did not think it was fun laying in bed each morning not to know if I would end the day as a girl or a guy!
It might sound exciting for some, to be like a super hero and be able to switch gender like nothing!  Well it is not fun for me, I like a certain amount of stability! 
I thought that I was pretty well set on my final steps to be a woman, but now my brain seems to ask questions again.

Is that the life storry of an intersex person, never really to know what gender one is?  I thought I had it finally figured out.  The male thing failed, and because of that the female thing should work.  And now this!  The body is half and half anyway, and now the brain starts to waffle again!

I think I need a very big shoulder to lean on and to cry a little while leaning!

Any shoulder to lean on out there?

[Jessica]

You can use my shoulder, and I do understand.
When I went to Pismo to camp on the beach, I needed to rely on my guy mode to do it.  Well ok I only did it because of an unknowing friend with us, but I did not have an emotional break from it.  I recognize that my 'self' is my 'self'.  Who I am hasn't changed, it's the way I feel that matters.

Big Hugs, Jess

[HappyMoni]

I'm sorry Dietlind, confusion is the worst. When I was young I was like a ping pong ball with emotion going from male attitude to female attitude. I hated it. I only found true happiness picking female and have never looked back. My thought is pick something and stick with it for period of time, see how it makes you feel. Is it that you find yourself cramped by, say, always in female mode or does it seem comfortable? That  will give you feedback.

[ChrissyRyan]

Dietlind,


I am not sure what to say to be of help to you.  But I can see this is bothering you a lot.
I am hoping some clarity and resolution comes your way soon.  Keep your spirits up.

Chrissy

[Linde]

I'm sorry Dietlind, confusion is the worst. When I was young I was like a ping pong ball with emotion going from male attitude to female attitude. I hated it. I only found true happiness picking female and have never looked back. My thought is pick something and stick with it for period of time, see how it makes you feel. Is it that you find yourself cramped by, say, always in female mode or does it seem comfortable? That  will give you feedback.

Moni
For thee last two decades I feel like a character of Werner Heisenbergs "A traveler between two worlds".    Before that I tried very hard to be a male, it worked out OK for me,  After that I started to be very confused about what I actually was, and lived a semi gender fluid life.
And a few month ago I thought I had it figured out, and I wanted to be a woman, because my body went head already and converted into that of a woman!  I lived full time as a woman for the last month or so, and felt great doing it. I am on HRT now for three weeks, to speed my transition up a little, and now come these doubts again.  I know that I don't want to be a man anymore, tired that for many years, and failed, but I also don't want to travel between the gender worlds anymore, I want a gender home, and I still feel it is that of a woman!  But wait a minute says my rational brain, is that really the right decission, life as a guy is way easier!

[SeptagonScars]

@Dietlind I kinda get that living as a male is easier, to a certain extent. My perspective on it is different as a transitioned afab... mess of a woman, but I feel that style and general looks-maintanence is/was easier as a guy. I kind of hate that to look like a woman I have to prep myself up with complicated clothes and undergarments to accommodate for breast forms, and a time consuming shaving and makeup routine. All of that takes around 2-3 hours for me, and it gets frustrating sometimes. But alas, that's just reality when you look a little like both/neither/inbetween male and female and can more easily pass as male or androgynous.

I'm in the kind of place that although I'm tired of all the fixing up just to go grocery shopping or anything I need to leave the house for that's further away than the laundry house, it's still better than facing my dysphoria. My family and my neighbours sometimes see me in "casaul/guy mode", but not really anyone else.

However... here's a thought: You can be a woman even on days you don't clearly present as one. Your clothes don't really make your gender. If you feel more comfortable as a woman, then you're still one even when you're in guy-mode, right? It's just clothes and hair.

Like when I just slouch around at home in a baggy tracksuit, have a several days stubble going on, no makeup, and my bald head may have a short stubble too, wearing a very masculine military jacket and combat boots for going out smoking or taking out garbage... and probably look like a very lazy skinhead dude who dropped out of the army... I still think of myself as a woman. Cause it's not really about how I look on the outside, and no one can be expected to have the energy to bother with well thought out feminine outfits and makeup every single day for the slightest little thing you need to do. I mean come on, we're only human.

Although I understand that the lack of or fluctuating dysphoria is confusing. It is for me too. It was because of me no longer being dysphoric about my bio female parts that I essentially just came to the conclusion that "okay so this means I'm a woman then" although there's a bit more to it than that, that was how it started. Most of why I really think I'm a woman is... it just kinda resonates with me, it feels empowering, warming, comforting, and I feel proud to refer to myself as female. I don't really feel much of any directly negative feelings towards thinking of myself as a man, or nb for that matter. But I do feel some degree of disconnect to those. Like just nah, meh or any other kind of shrug. But what that actually means? Heck would I know! I'm just rolling with it.

I got dysphoric about my male traits instead when my body dysmorphia lifted, soon before I chose to detransition. But that dysphoria is kinda weird for me, and fluctuating a lot. Even when I feel dysphoric about them I still quite like them. Although my genitals are female and my general body shape is very curvy, the rest is pretty male in appearance... meaning when I haven't caked my face like in my profile pics. I always feel bad about my chest being flat, but the rest I have a much more complicated relationship with. But even on days when I totally love my beard, body hair, deep voice, masculine face shape, etc, I still can't think of myself as a man at all. On those days I'm just not bothered by being mistaken for a man.

I'm not sure exactly what that means for my gender, but maybe it just means I have a lot more left to figure out, and maybe you do too. I know what it's like to wanna have the answer right away, but these kind of things often need some time to fully reveal themselves. For me it's taken over 2 decades so far so I'm a little bit tired of it, but yeah. Try not to stress it, if you can... and I should give the same advice to myself as well. Life is weird, alright!

[DawnOday]

I am finding as my facial hair disappears. So far a very long process. The more feminine I feel. It's weird in that I worry that stubble is going to reveal my transition. Regardless of being 6'4" or my size 14 feet. I am finally nearing the end of getting it eliminated. My therapist wants to talk to my wife but she isn't having it. She says she knows I was born this way and that is why she does not comment when I go to meetings etc. She just does not want to share it with me at home. My therapist thinks I am not being true to myself. I think I am honoring my vows to love, honor and cherish 'til death. My cross-dressing cost me my first wife. If the same resources were around 43 years ago. I would not have married her and would be living the life of a woman sans the ability to reproduce. On the other hand I would not have had the opportunity to be a father to two outstanding individuals.  I too wish someone would "let go my eggo"

[Linde]

@ SeptagonScars
Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me!
I envy the transgender people who know as kids already what their real gender should be.  I was made to be a boy, and was taught to be a boy, but I never was able to fill this role assigned to me by who knows who it was.  I always struggled to meet this role, and I never developed any clear gender identity for that role, and I never developed the physical identifiers for that role either.
These days I would have been called androgynous, but that term did not exist when I was growing up and had to live as a man.

I lived for many years like this, but I was not happy with this kind of life.  As a scientist I am used to think rational and logical, and a life that had no clear identifying markers feels really uncomfortable to me.  I dislike it very much to be gender fluid, and the thought than some person could get the idea to address me with they/their, is horrifying to me.

I really want to be a she/her, but than that stupid rational brain kicks in and wonders, if that is the right decission, because of the advantages of being a male.  And now, the entire thought process has to start over again!
Because of my rather short hair, and still rather small breasts, I can pass as a male without any problems.  But if I continue this feminizing process, I will rech a point, at which I would have a hard time to pass as a male.  My rational questions is now, do I want to reach this point, and give up all the male advantages?
I think what I really want is to be a woman who retains all the male benefits.  This would not match my desired female role, because I want to be a rather elegant female, and the male thing would not fit to that.  I do not want to be a Butch type female!
And that is the reason that I really don't know what I should be!
I just wish I was either clearly trans gender, or that I was cis, because this intersex thing stinks!

[Linde]

I really do not know what I am. 
Because of runs to DYI stores I was in male mode the entire day yesterday, and I felt absolutely comfy in that mode.  The three days before I was 100% in female mode, and I felt absolutely comfy as a female.  This gender fluid thing is not all that bad, but
I feel that being able to switch modes like this would make life pretty easy, because I seem not to have any dysphoria with it.  Except my hair, it starts to get to long for an older man, but is still on the short side for an older woman.  This hair now is a source of dysphoria in either mode!
What will be once the size of my breasts and probably the length of my hair will not allow it anymore to go in a male mode?  Will I miss that and feel bad that I decided to become a female?
On the other hand, I want to be a female because that is what my body tells me I should be!  It just seems to tell me that my male /2 had all the time he chance to express itself, and now it is time that the female 1/2 should be have a similar chance!

[Kirsteneklund7]

I really do not know what I am. 
Because of runs to DYI stores I was in male mode the entire day yesterday, and I felt absolutely comfy in that mode.  The three days before I was 00% in female mode, and I felt absolutely comfy as a female.  This gender fluid thing is not all that bad, but
I feel that being able to switch modes like this would make life pretty easy, because I seem not to have any dysphoria with it.  Except my hair, it starts to get to long for an older man, but is still on the short side for an older woman.  This hair now is a source of dysphoria in either mode!
What will be once the size of my breasts and probably the length of my hair will not allow it anymore to go in a male mode?  Will I miss that and feel bad that I decided to become a female?
On the other hand, I want to be a female because that is what my body tells me I should be!  It just seems to tell me that my male /2 had all the time he chance to express itself, and now it is time that the female 1/2 should be have a similar chance!

Hi Dietlind,
                   I know how this feels to a large extent. In 2015 I found it was becoming harder to project the masculine image- it was taking more will and energy and I thought maybe I should let the brakes off my feminine self.

Doing that actually felt quite good & really did resolve a raft of anxiety issues.

I have 2 years of HRT behind me - one for 2016 & one for 2018.

2017 was dedicated to family & doing my best as a man. Inner conflict got back on top of me in 2017 and I returned to the peaceful refuge of HRT for new years 2018.

I dont seem to be able to resolve my gender conclusively. I should just force the female life experience to get a yes or no & I did to a large extent in 2016.

I found it to be a mixed experience with gender euphoria running side by side with family disaster.

Now I have a good family life, HRT and an inner woman that wont leave me alone. I spent the day doing domestic chores in a womans top and floaty skirt & hair girl style - I felt good. In the morning I will take my young sons offshore game fishing in man mode and it will feel good.

I often think the only way I can resolve my gender is to express my girl self 24/7 and see where that leads.

HRT is a massive relief for me and I thought I would be well on my way to being female by now- but not really. I have obvious breasts - which I love, Im socially more adept but naturally quite male in appearance.

I will continue HRT.

I would love to know how your full time experience was as a woman Dietlind !

I have been considering my gender since 1974 when I started school- I think I need to sort it out once and for all!

Kindest regards, Kirsten.
Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

[Linde]

@ Kirsten
I am in transition mode for about 15 or 16 years now (after my marriage collapsed because of the gender issue).  Most of the time I was still in the closet, but tried to be as androgynous as possible (I have to mention again that I am an intersex person).  I finally was sick and tired of this hide and seek game (I was absolutely independent at that time), and started to come out to friends and family.  My biggest concern was my only child, my son, but he took it in stride, so did my ex wife, who is now one of my supporters.
Most of my time I am now 100% female, with spurts in between as male for doing typical male things or business interactions with which males are treated better.  I feel totally comfortable presenting as a female.  I get misgendered sometimes, but that does not bother me.  If possible, I correct the person, and all apologize for misgendering me.  I enjoy it very much being a female.  Partly because of the dressing possibilities (I always was a little narcissistic when it came to clothing), and partly because it feels right.
But the problem is, I feel as good in the guys mode, I do not really have any preference.  Neither mode causes me any dysphoria or anxiety.  In female mode I go without hesitation into female bathrooms or changing rooms, and in the male mode I do the same with male facilities.
I just don't care! 
I want to live as a woman, because my body is feminizing itself more and more, and I am on HRT to speed this up more, but I think I could live also as guy without any major problems.
Because I am intersex, I had to be trained to live as a guy (my brain seems not to have any specific gender identity, like it is the case with many intersex people, the reason that some of the want to be addressed as they), and it seems I learned this so well.  Because of the good training, living as a male seems to be easier.  I still have to learn to live as a woman, but I still don't feel any real gender identity.  I feel that i could do either way and could be happy!
But I want to be a woman. 
I don't know if you can interpolate my experiences onto your life, because you seem to have a very clear gender identity, and such a way stronger urgency to match your body with your identity.
My identity tries to catch up with my body, who decides to be a woman.  I don't know what is better? 
Based on my physical appearance, it is way easier for me to be a woman, because most of the features were there all my life, but I am lacking the strong mental desire, which seems to be the driving factor for most trans people.  I wish I would have some of that drive, it for sure would help me to end up on the right side of the gender thing!

[SeptagonScars]

@Dietlind
You're welcome! Being confused about gender is kind of my area of expertise these days xD.
I also envy those who just know pretty much right away and there's that! Alas, that's not what life had in store for me. I've been questioning my gender since I was... well somewhere between 5 and 10 years old, and I'm almost 30 now, and still questioning it. That's a life of questioning, pretty much!

I totally understand your discomfort with "unclear roles" like genderfluid, they/them pronouns or just feeling like you don't clearly fit into male or female but want to. I may be younger than you, but I also have that same thinking/feeling. I don't have any issue with others going with an androgynous way of life, but for myself... it just rubs me the wrong way somehow. It's complicated and confusing and I wish gender/sex made more sense to me. It doesn't work with my logical side either, cause it's so abstract.

As a trans man I felt I couldn't fit clearly into the male role cause there were things I couldn't change about my body to look more male the way I wanted to (ftm srs is not as good as the mtf version, and leaves a lot to desire, to my dismay at that time, also my naturally wide hips constantly bothered me) and thus I felt stuck not fitting either the male or female genders.

And now in my detransition my body is much the same but I just present it differently, which takes a lot of work and even when I do manage to prep it in a way that I like and feel comfortable with, I still feel I don't quite fit the female gender box, and it nags at me. Being female feels genuine and natural to me now, but also like a performance. And I hate that part about it feeling like a performance. I can pass as male, effortlessly, but I do not want to. And I can pass as female (at least occasionally) with lots of effort, and I do want that but it doesn't feel like it's worth the effort. Or maybe I'm just tired of trying but still getting misgendered. Then like what's the point. And trying remind myself I'm still a woman even when I look like a man.

I am also torn about what to do with my body physically. I know for sure I want breast reconstruction even though it's quite a commitment cause I'll probably never be able to look flat-chested again then, even temporarily. Cause I don't think I could wear a binder safely with breast implants, and also wouldn't wanna risk them getting saggy much sooner than they would just naturally over time. I'll want to take good care of them, not squish and torture them. I feel that's worth it to have breasts again, but it's still quite a commitment to take into consideration.

Mostly I'm torn what to do with my facial hair. Cause I feel it does give me a lot of freedom to express myself in various male and female ways depending on how I feel, and I really enjoy that as a style thing, on days I don't feel dysphoric about it. But it's more often that I am dysphoric about it and don't want for it to be seen or known about at all that I even can grow hair there, but I'm unable to completely hide it no matter how close I shave and cake makeup on it. Lately I've been just playing with the thought of what if I might wanna get it removed some day? The thought makes me both feel relieved and scared I'd miss it at the same time. I got so good beard genes and such lushously great growth... which many men would be envious of. And I wanted that ever since I was around 12 years old but worried I'd never be able to get such a good result from just taking testosterone. How could I just toss that away now? I don't think I can. But I'm still unhappy with having to deal with it. That's a dilemma! I wonder if I can embrace it as a woman, or if I'll decide it's best to get it removed, or just always be torn about it.

I do battle a lot with that my body isn't strictly either clearly male or female now, and having an androgynous personality, but not wanting to be "stuck inbetween" as my feelings would describe it. I don't wanna be a butch type female either! Or appear as a femme man, for that matter. But makeup and feminine clothes can be so frustrating at times. Wouldn't it be nice if we could just snap our fingers and be all styled and done in a split second? Or just magically wake up with rosy cheeks and dashing eyes? Well, one can dream...

I used to take such things for granted, and complain about them, pre-transition: being able to pass as female effortlessly, always being seen as a girl no matter what I wore or did, not struggle with male traits on my body because I didn't have them yet and didn't know how much I could like them on myself, never be told I wasn't "woman enough" cause of something randomly masculine I did or looked like. And now I miss those things, sad at myself for having tossed them away, and torn about if I even actually want that back or not. I'm scared of making sacrifices and decisions I'd have to commit to, I think. And that fear I might regret it always nagging at me.

Now I keep feeling like I'm not transgender but also not "cis enough", like I'm stuck somewhere between male and female, and wondering how I ended up here! I think I can understand being intersex can really stink. Detransitioning really stinks too!

[Linde]

Now I keep feeling like I'm not transgender but also not "cis enough", like I'm stuck somewhere between male and female, and wondering how I ended up here! I think I can understand being intersex can really stink. Detransitioning really stinks too!

You are correct!  I never ever was a real cis man, even though everybody,including me, thought so.  But in reality there was always something missing du to the female part of me.  But I also will not be able to be a cis woman, because of that male side in me.
I will have my facial hair removed for good, because I always hated shaving, and never could grow a real masculine beard anyway (I was 28 when I  was able for the first time to grow something resembling a beard).  Being in a world in between gender identification, is pretty handy for the case one wants to be gender fluid, but that is not what I want.  I really want to find a "gender home".  I tried it with the male side, and this failed eventually, I hope that the female side will work better, and that, at some time, I might be able to identify with that gender!

Seeing how you are waffling around in the gender world, I almost get the feeling that you might be some kind of intersex also!  Nobody, in ones free will, will go through the gender modifications as you did/do!  To me it feels as if you don't have a gender home either.  For you, the female side seems to be easier, because you grew up as a female, for me, the male side seems to be easier, because that is what I was trained for, but I don't feel at home on that side, bcause my body wants to be female (and mostly is, except for the male genitals, and the facial hair), or I (and you) can be like the Austrian pop singer Conchita Wurst (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Conchita_Wurst), and go as a woman but with a full beard!
I t really sucks not to know where one really belongs!

[Lisa89125]

It's interesting to ponder whether or not I am some kind of intersex? I have always felt
feminine since I was very young. My personal area is different than most cis males in that
things are short and recessed.When I was last in the hospital years ago. I remember they said my estrogen level was just a slight bit higher than normal. Nothing major just a slight elevation. Never
would tell me what that meant? Seriously! 

Yet my voice dropped very low and facial hair set in during puberty. I am wondering if my hormone levels are wonky because try as I might, I can't get my hair to grow out any further? The length being not much longer than Dietlind's hair.

I have waffled back and forth quite a lot recently. I decided to stop going full time femme for a
couple months this past summer and let hair grow back on my legs, arms and torso. I found
that doing so makes me feel absolutely miserable and unhappy. I feel sooo much better when I feminize myself.

I can't imagine not being a girl at this point. I do worry that after being transitioned
that I might flip and want to go back for some unknown reason. I just don't think after
being fully transitioned and living full time for several years that I would even seriously
consider the alternatives. I think I would rather die a girl than detransition to live as an unhappy male at that point.

I get feeling like Natalie Imbruglia  in "Torn."

Lisa

[Beverly Anne]

What makes you happy? Do that. So what if you wake up some days and guy mode seems easier? Be that. You own it. I feel the same way some days, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm female. There's no gender final exam. No test to pass. Just be you in all your amazing expressions. Who gives a sh*t what some stranger thinks?

[Lisa89125]

What makes you happy? Do that. So what if you wake up some days and guy mode seems easier? Be that. You own it. I feel the same way some days, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm female. There's no gender final exam. No test to pass. Just be you in all your amazing expressions. Who gives a sh*t what some stranger thinks?

That's what's most important after all.

We all started life one way and try as we might, We never can fully remove the male from within.

Lisa

[Linde]

@ Lisa89125
If you are intersex, you seem to be of a different chromosome configuration than I am, but that does not mean anything, because there are so many different ways to be intersex!
I still have a hard time to feel some solid gender identity, and still can switch from male to female or vice verso at any given time!  But I have experienced the life of a man, and failed with it, now I want to be a woman, and I hope that i can succeed in this better.  I feel good as a female, and when I female mode, I now can pass almost all the time without being misgendered.  But I also can pass as a male without any problem.

I am happier to be a female than a male, and I hope this will continue to be the case, and that my body continues to play along!

Just be what you feel like, and you will see the path in front of you!
Good luck for your journey!
Hugs
Linde

[Lisa89125]

Dietlind, Hopefully you find some happiness either way.

Hugs

Lisa

[Linde]

Dietlind, Hopefully you find some happiness either way.

Hugs

Lisa

Thanks Lisa, it seems to me as if I am on the right pass towards it!

[Lisa89125]

Hugs.

Lisa