@Dietlind
You're welcome! Being confused about gender is kind of my area of expertise these days xD.
I also envy those who just know pretty much right away and there's that! Alas, that's not what life had in store for me. I've been questioning my gender since I was... well somewhere between 5 and 10 years old, and I'm almost 30 now, and still questioning it. That's a life of questioning, pretty much!
I totally understand your discomfort with "unclear roles" like genderfluid, they/them pronouns or just feeling like you don't clearly fit into male or female but want to. I may be younger than you, but I also have that same thinking/feeling. I don't have any issue with others going with an androgynous way of life, but for myself... it just rubs me the wrong way somehow. It's complicated and confusing and I wish gender/sex made more sense to me. It doesn't work with my logical side either, cause it's so abstract.
As a trans man I felt I couldn't fit clearly into the male role cause there were things I couldn't change about my body to look more male the way I wanted to (ftm srs is not as good as the mtf version, and leaves a lot to desire, to my dismay at that time, also my naturally wide hips constantly bothered me) and thus I felt stuck not fitting either the male or female genders.
And now in my detransition my body is much the same but I just present it differently, which takes a lot of work and even when I do manage to prep it in a way that I like and feel comfortable with, I still feel I don't quite fit the female gender box, and it nags at me. Being female feels genuine and natural to me now, but also like a performance. And I hate that part about it feeling like a performance. I can pass as male, effortlessly, but I do not want to. And I can pass as female (at least occasionally) with lots of effort, and I do want that but it doesn't feel like it's worth the effort. Or maybe I'm just tired of trying but still getting misgendered. Then like what's the point. And trying remind myself I'm still a woman even when I look like a man.
I am also torn about what to do with my body physically. I know for sure I want breast reconstruction even though it's quite a commitment cause I'll probably never be able to look flat-chested again then, even temporarily. Cause I don't think I could wear a binder safely with breast implants, and also wouldn't wanna risk them getting saggy much sooner than they would just naturally over time. I'll want to take good care of them, not squish and torture them. I feel that's worth it to have breasts again, but it's still quite a commitment to take into consideration.
Mostly I'm torn what to do with my facial hair. Cause I feel it does give me a lot of freedom to express myself in various male and female ways depending on how I feel, and I really enjoy that as a style thing, on days I don't feel dysphoric about it. But it's more often that I am dysphoric about it and don't want for it to be seen or known about at all that I even can grow hair there, but I'm unable to completely hide it no matter how close I shave and cake makeup on it. Lately I've been just playing with the thought of what if I might wanna get it removed some day? The thought makes me both feel relieved and scared I'd miss it at the same time. I got so good beard genes and such lushously great growth... which many men would be envious of. And I wanted that ever since I was around 12 years old but worried I'd never be able to get such a good result from just taking testosterone. How could I just toss that away now? I don't think I can. But I'm still unhappy with having to deal with it. That's a dilemma! I wonder if I can embrace it as a woman, or if I'll decide it's best to get it removed, or just always be torn about it.
I do battle a lot with that my body isn't strictly either clearly male or female now, and having an androgynous personality, but not wanting to be "stuck inbetween" as my feelings would describe it. I don't wanna be a butch type female either! Or appear as a femme man, for that matter. But makeup and feminine clothes can be so frustrating at times. Wouldn't it be nice if we could just snap our fingers and be all styled and done in a split second? Or just magically wake up with rosy cheeks and dashing eyes? Well, one can dream...
I used to take such things for granted, and complain about them, pre-transition: being able to pass as female effortlessly, always being seen as a girl no matter what I wore or did, not struggle with male traits on my body because I didn't have them yet and didn't know how much I could like them on myself, never be told I wasn't "woman enough" cause of something randomly masculine I did or looked like. And now I miss those things, sad at myself for having tossed them away, and torn about if I even actually want that back or not. I'm scared of making sacrifices and decisions I'd have to commit to, I think. And that fear I might regret it always nagging at me.
Now I keep feeling like I'm not transgender but also not "cis enough", like I'm stuck somewhere between male and female, and wondering how I ended up here! I think I can understand being intersex can really stink. Detransitioning really stinks too!