Hello! I'm Susan R🌷

[Susan R]

I've been a member for a month or so now and I'm finally getting around to introduce myself.  I was raised in a strict Catholic family and so I had to come to terms with my gender identity. I knew I was female from a very young age but I was told not to express myself in that way early in life (age 4). I did as I was asked until puberty. I didn't know why but my yearning to be female increased and I started crossdressing underneath my man clothes. I was caught with clothing by my parents a few times but nothing came of it. After the incidents, they were buried and forgotten.  I was fine with that at the time as I didn't really understand what was happening to me inside. There was no internet back then and library's had nothing on the subject at the time (I'm 56).
To confuse things more, I was groomed and seduced by a man who was much older when I was still a teenager. I stayed secretly in that relationship for years and was only found out by my brother who kept it a secret his entire life. After ending this relationship in my 20's, I moved in with another man who was like myself...transgendered. We both attended an LBGTQ group in our city (Seattle) for years and enjoyed all the great people who we met and gained many great friends. Although, I didn't feel like I was growing much spiritually during this time which bothered me coming from a Christian upbringing.  My lifestyle conflicted.  My room mate and I lived as females together part time (dusk to dawn) for many years.  He began transitioning to full time and eventually completed SRS and legally became a woman. She then moved away and I got my own place in a nearby city and continued to crossdress part time right after I got home from work. I enjoyed my freedom and femininity but felt something was missing.
I felt I needed relationships so I started attending a Baptist Church nearby.  I soon became very involved in the church yet still lived like a recluse, never inviting church members to my home and continued to hide my crossdressing. There were several close calls as some people came over unannounced.  Eventually, It became too much of a burden and I did the unimaginable. I purged over a decade of women's clothing, makeup, jewelry, and everything female.  I decided I wanted to "get straight" and a have a "normal" life.  I soon started dating my current wife of 21 years. She had 3 young children who grew up to call me "Dad".  As wonderful as my life seemed on the outside, I began to feel I needed something more.  I did what was expected for years and continued to play Dad until my kids moved on to start their lives. They are all in their 30's now and my wife and I are now empty nesters.
This previous year (2017), after much thought and deliberation, I decided to get help through therapy.  I made a decision after getting this help and after much thought to transition into a woman. Something I should have done years earlier although I would have missed many blessings that I received during those "straight" years with my wife. I have only come out to my wife this year (2018) and she is somewhat accepting but reluctant about certain aspects of transitioning. I am now into my 3rd month of female hormone replacement therapy (HRT) and know for sure that I'm on the right path for my life. I'm hoping to find support here with my transition as my journey is really just beginning. I am looking for understanding and non-judgmental friends and relationships.

Susan R🌷

[dee82]

Hi Susan,

Thanks for sharing your story. I am sure you will find understanding here. I am new here myself and have have nothing but good experiences so far.

I can relate to your blessings with your wife. I too have children and suspect I may not have if I had figured it out when I was younger.

But having said that, I am in my 50's and live with major regrets about not coming out earlier. I can't change the past, which was wonderful in many ways, but was also me living only half-alive, if that makes sense.

Welcome. (I am sure someone official will come back with the rules etc...)

~Dee

[Susan R]

Thanks Dee for the support and welcome.  I hope to become more active as time permits.

[Jessica_Rose]

Susan, Welcome to Susan's Place. You have come to the right spot for information, support, and friendship. No one here will judge you.

I am also 56. My wife and I have been married over 34 years and we have two daughters (ages 21 and 24). I realized something wasn't right when I started puberty, but those were different times. As you mentioned, no internet back then to help us figure out who we are. Congrats on starting your new journey! It takes a while to get rolling, but it is well worth the cost. For me, finding peace after decades of anger and rage saved my life.

Many people on these forums have long-running threads we use as a journal of our transition, mine is here:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,233104.msg2076844.html#msg2076844

We are all here to help, and to learn. I wish you the best of luck on your journey.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

[dee82]

No worries. If you are like me you will do a few posts and then find life gets in the way, but later think one day, hey I should check out Susan's Place again.

That's the great thing, once you have an account you can pop in any time you like, or need to!

[Mariah]

Hi Susan R and welcome to Susan's. So many here have tried like you to go a particular way and even purge only yet later finding out that no they need to do something including myself. Yet in the end it becomes clear they and I all needed to transition. I do wish you the best of luck during your during. Please keep in mind and read the following links as they will anwser many questions. Thanks and Hugs
Mariah

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)	Cautionary Note
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy	Membership Agreement

[ChrissyRyan]

Susan R,

Welcome!  Have a great week!

Chrissy

[Susan R]

Thank you Mariah, Jessica and ChrissyRyan.  It's very nice to meet you both. Also, thank you Mariah for that very helpful links to read insert.  I've been on Discord asking around about adding an avatar.  Jessica, you look so content in your profile pic. I think you and I have a lot in common.  It's nice to meet others that have similar journeys.
I look forward to getting to know some of you and hearing about your journeys too.

Susan R🌷

[Mariah]

As I shared with you in Discord and IRC, you will need 15 posts to many things and that info is found within the links.  Hugs
Mariah

Thank you Mariah and ChrissyRyan.  It's very nice to meet you both. Also, thank you Mariah for that very helpful links to read insert.  I've been on Discord asking around about adding an avatar.
I look forward to getting to know some of you and hearing about your journeys too.

Susan R🌷

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Susan, nice to meet you.

There are quite a few of us late bloomers on the forum.  I am 64.  We have a lot in common, including a history of dressing at home and periodic clothing purges. 

Most of us were married when we started this journey in earnest, and you will read about the full range of spousal reactions from outright rejection to cautious acceptance to loving support.  I hope that your wife's reaction develops more towards the latter end of that spectrum.

[Northern Star Girl]

@Susan R
Dear Susan:
    I am very happy to notice that you decided to join the Susan's Place site.

    I see that our lovely member  @Mariah   has already welcomed you to Susan's Place.     

    Thank you for telling us a little about yourself... and as you get more involved in exchanging comments on various posts other members will be along to offer their thoughts and comments in response to any of your specific questions and concerns..

    This is the right place for you to be to find out what others may have to say that may have been in your circumstances and with your questions and concerns.
    There are a lot of members here that will be able to identify with your situation as you continue to feel free to share it.

    I also want to warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place. 
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.

    As you are certainly aware you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
     ***It's a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new friends here. 

    Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.
   
    There is information and important LINKS that  Mariah  included in her welcome message.  You will find information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.   
    Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle

[V M]

Hi Susan R 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

[Susan R]

KathyLauren, Alaskan Danielle, and V M, Thank you so much for the kind words and support.  I will need support like most newcomers into their journey.  It's great to meet people that can truly understand my daily struggles and want to help selflessly.  And your all here in one place.  Who would've thought this would've ever been possible 30 years ago. I am anxious to read more of your stories.  It really inspires me and helps carry me forward.

With much appreciation,
Susan R🌷

[CynthiaAnn]

Hi Susan, I wanted to wish you the best with your transition and family situation.

Hope you have a wonderful day.

Cynthia -

[Janes Groove]

Welcome to Susans Susan.  My story is very similar to yours (including the Catholic part).
Also, I came out and started to transition at 57.  Don't beat yourself up about not starting earlier.  We walk the path when we find an opening.

[MarshaJoy825]

Hello Susan R,

    I enjoyed reading your intro. I am glad that you have finally settled on your future goal. You mentioned that you went to a Baptist Church. Are you still going? I am also from an Evangelical background. This has been the cause of my struggles all these years. I wish I could accept Marsha once for all. Anyway, I am glad that you are here! Can I PM you once I have enough posts to write a PM? Thanks for being here.  Marsha.

[Susan R]

I came here today to update or edit my original intro regarding my journey and noticed a few replies since I last responded.  Sorry Cynthia, Janes Groove, & Marsha for this late reply and thank you for your comments regarding my journey.

Too much has happened over the last several months to post every detail but right now I'm at a pretty good place.  I've had many ups and a few downs but overall I have not wavered from my original destination.  My wife has been my guiding light.  She is helping me become the woman I've always hoped to be.  She is my biggest ally and she has fallen in love with me all over again. 

I am currently full time at home and do many things in the real world as myself now.  There are still a few neighbors I still need to open up about this but that will happen sometime this month. I've come out to all of my siblings now and their spouses and each has accepted and supported my decision to be myself.  My pastor and his wife are accepting which is something my wife & I did not expect but are very happy about.  We are now in the process of coming out to our three 30+ year old daughters, their spouses and possibly our many grandchildren but that will be a decision that their parents can decide.  These revelations may start as early as this week when they come back from their vacation.  My wife & I are preparing today for this "important chat"😬.

Health-wise there have been ups and downs too. Back in Dec. 2018 I had to be taken off Spiro due to Kidney issues but my new gender health doctor said my previous endo had put me on an extremely high dose too soon.  I was instead put on a very high dose of E and it appears to be working very well for me.  After a 3 month break from all anti-androgens and high dose of E, my kidney function returned to normal.  On April 16, my new doc is going to try a very low dose of anti-androgen for a long period of time with close monthly monitoring of my levels.  I'm a little worried about going back on them but trust my new doctor completely.

Socially, life is great.  Being out as myself is the best thing I've experienced since my youth.  My wife and I have been going to parks in our area and talking very long walks together.  It's just like two girls in love walking, talking and enjoying each others company.  We go out to eat together this way too.  It's a little more difficult because even though I can pass visually most of the time, my voice is not as convincing.  I've been working on it but I have a ways to go.  It's very hard work and requires so much effort.  It's become my Achilles' heel in my current transition phase.

A few months ago, I did some research and located and started attending some local support groups.  One meets weekly and the other meets monthly.  There are so many great people there that even if I wasn't transgendered, I think I'd attend just to spend time with them.  It's not often I sit down next to someone and think to myself, "I want to get to be good friends with this person".  I just love it.  I can't wait to really get more involved in each group to really make more of a difference.  I'm making each of these meetings an integral part of my schedule now...and my wife enjoys these meetings too which makes it all the better.

You mentioned that you went to a Baptist Church. Are you still going? I am also from an Evangelical background.

Yes, I do attend a evangelical church every now and then though I'll admit, I'm not a regular weekly attendee like my wife.  My wife & I do host our own weekly share group at home that is a mix of bible discussion and current events.  It's different than a strict bible study.  The focus is current events and includes things like discussion, prayer, videos, biblical material and studies.  Two of the people in the group I still need to come out to but I'm only concerned about one of them.  We may soon lose that member when I share my journey.

Can I PM you once I have enough posts to write a PM? Thanks for being here.  Marsha.

Yes, by all means.  I'd love to hear from you.

That's all I have for now.

Susan R🌷

[Ricki Wright]

 

Hugs!