For those of you further into transition: do you ever worry less?

[blackcat]

I feel like transitioning has given me so much to WORRY about, it's ridiculous. (I ended my five week long panic attack marathon when I started magnesium supplementation and am doing somewhat better, btw. I am no longer afraid to go to sleep at night, that's a big win.)

Counting my blessings, the one thing I don't have to worry about is my job. I know I'm so lucky in that department.

Transition changes everything. I think uncertainty is inherently worrying?

E.g. My relationship is over. My lease is up. I have one friend who lives 4.5 hours away. I have to switch doctors, I don't know if the one I'm seeing next week will be helpful or not. I have to get back on HRT, but I don't know if I'll start having panic attacks again. I don't know if my dose will be right. Even though everything is set with my legal transition, it's still nerve-wracking to think about getting up in front of a judge and making the announcement that my brain doesn't match my body. I don't know if it will be awkward settling into my new name at work. I have NO IDEA where I am going to find a place to live. I have no idea how I'm going to move all of my old stuff out of my current apartment. I have no idea when to book my surgery, in light of the panic attack debacle. I don't have anyone I can ask to take pictures of me topless because I'm not allowed to hold the camera myself per surgeon's requirements. Healthcare is so expensive. I need to make friends and I feel so fragile. Etc.

I know most of this has to do with the immediate restructuring of my life. I can imagine myself post-transition, living somewhere chill and (hopefully UGH) with friends, looking and feeling good. To get through my transition safely, I just need to find the right doctor, which could be a matter of kissing frogs. I have a couple of appointments booked in different places in case one doesn't work out, so I don't have to wait 3-6 months to try again.

It's just. All. So. Worrisome.

I want to be done with it and be normal, doing dumb things and being worried about dumb things, like what video game to play next. I want that to be at the top of my list of problems.

I'd love to hear from anyone who made it through transition tell me that life went back to boring normal, but this time in the right body instead of the wrong one.

<3 <3 <3

[stephaniec]

one thing that's annoying is that it takes time , but you get there.

[KathyLauren]

Yes, the early stages of transition are worrying.  I remember: "Will my wife leave me?", "Will my neighbours come after me with pitchforks and torches?", "Will my wife leave me?", "Will I be safe?", "Will my wife leave me?", "Will people laugh at me?", "Will my wife leave me?".  Etc., etc., etc..

I am not completely done with my transition - still waiting on GRS - but the biggest, scariest part is done.  I am out, and have been full-time for over a year and a half.  And yes, the worry is gone.  All of it.

My wife didn't leave me; my neighbours didn't attack me; no one laughts at me.  Life is good.  I get to be me all day, every day.  I don't have to pretend.  I can like what I like.  I can look pretty.  (With clothes, anyway.  Face, not so much, but I am not complaining.)

I have some remaining irritations.  They are not worries as such.  I am still waiting on a letter that will allow me to wait to get onto the waiting list for surgery.  I am still waiting for my official gender change so that I can get all my ID changed to the proper gender.  But I know that that stuff will happen eventually, and it doesn't affect my day-to-day existence.

I think you are asking whether this journey is going to be worth it.  Everyone is different, of course, but from my point of view, the answer is a big YES!!

[blackcat]

I don't even know what I'm afraid of, I just feel so afraid. Maybe it's because I've never wanted to live so badly before.

I was soooo deathly terrified of coming out at work, and that went exceptionally well. Even that doctor's visit today I was worried about... everything was fine. Most of my worries I logically know will work themselves out eventually.

I've done so much in a short amount of time, which is part of the problem - I'm overdoing it and just need to chill.

It does help to look back at previous worries that I have overcome. The unknown is scary.

I'm still a little scared about restarting HRT (which I did today), just because the last time I was on it coincided with those panic attacks, even though HRT was definitively ruled out as a cause. Time will make it better, along with going slow and taking it easy on myself.

I feel like going through so much intense change in a short amount of time has all of my defenses up and I'm bracing for the worst, having reflexive freakouts about nothing. I'm also gritting my teeth to blast through transition as quickly as possible, and that might not be the smartest approach. I'm realizing I can't even think about attempting to put myself through surgery until I feel calm and normal again. (I can at least save money in the meantime.)

I found one support group not too far away I can go to IRL, though it's only once a month. It's LGBT, and I'll probably be the only trans person there, but it's something. I need to go away to a retreat somewhere that is like a giant hugfest with 80,000 people, just hugging, until I can REALLY calm my mind and body down.

I am so stressed out that I'm afraid I'm going to be at work one day and I'm just going to start vomiting blood and screaming and have to get taken away in an ambulance and I'll end up locked away in the psych ward forever but there is literally absolutely no reason that would happen. It sounds ridiculous even to type. HRT doesn't do that and I've been given an immaculate bill of health from three clinics and the ER in the past couple of months. I'm just on the edge of freakout central, because, I don't even know. Transitioning is so exhausting. I need more people in my life.

[krobinson103]

After a year of living full time and a bit more than a year of transition I have to say my worries around passing etc... don't exist. I'm me, I look good (well I think so and thats all that matters :p), feel good, and most importantly am still alive! I still have to get orchi/srs out of the way but I have a plan for that.

Short answer, yes the further you go, the easier it gets.

[Kylo]

Yeah. I didn't worry that much to begin with because I've got almost nothing to lose I cared about and am generally chill anyway unless someone is threatening me, but obviously I thought about a few things like, would I get harassed, beat up, etc. would someone make my life hell, would the HRT be hard to get, worst case scenarios basically.

Ironically my relationship which was on the rocks is now better than it was. How the hell that happened I don't know but I think it had something to do with letting go. Not freaking out about trying to save it make the living arrangement a lot better. Relaxing and treating the other person as a person instead of a quantity to be accounted for. I'd advise letting go of all the things you can't control and knowing what you can control and focusing on that.

I don't care about anything any more. I mean that in a positive sense. There's a ton I can't affect and there's no point even wasting time thinking about it. I chucked a bunch of superficial stuff away, simplified my living space, simplified and tidied up my life. I'm working on my health, my work goals, my education goals. I'm listening to stimulating discussions on politics, current events, self improvement and self-actualization on YT every day while I work, and advice about getting your life in order from other independently-living men. Instead of thinking I know it all I'm approaching it all like a child, ready to learn. I'm not trying to be something I'm not any more or clinging to the few things that I relied on psychologically before. I'm ready to take responsibility for my own future and life, but whatever beyond that happens, happens. What other people think of me ain't none of my business. It's pretty liberating. 

[krobinson103]

Yes, the early stages of transition are worrying.  I remember: "Will my wife leave me?", "Will my neighbours come after me with pitchforks and torches?", "Will my wife leave me?", "Will I be safe?", "Will my wife leave me?", "Will people laugh at me?", "Will my wife leave me?".  Etc., etc., etc..

I am not completely done with my transition - still waiting on GRS - but the biggest, scariest part is done.  I am out, and have been full-time for over a year and a half.  And yes, the worry is gone.  All of it.

My wife didn't leave me; my neighbours didn't attack me; no one laughts at me.  Life is good.  I get to be me all day, every day.  I don't have to pretend.  I can like what I like.  I can look pretty.  (With clothes, anyway.  Face, not so much, but I am not complaining.)

I have some remaining irritations.  They are not worries as such.  I am still waiting on a letter that will allow me to wait to get onto the waiting list for surgery.  I am still waiting for my official gender change so that I can get all my ID changed to the proper gender.  But I know that that stuff will happen eventually, and it doesn't affect my day-to-day existence.

I think you are asking whether this journey is going to be worth it.  Everyone is different, of course, but from my point of view, the answer is a big YES!!

I agree the WAITING part is really hard. I got to WAIT to see the endo who made me WAIT to see the pysch who made me WAIT to go on a list to WAIT to consult about surgery. When I finally got the consult (4 months wait) he is making me WAIT another four months for surgery...

You surely get good at waiting!