*WARNING* WALL OF TEXT INCOMING!!!
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away....
JK
Anyways here is the story of my very confusing awakening... <-
I began crossdressing from a very early age, like before my preteens. No one knew except my parents who occasionally stumbled across my secret storage areas. I don't know why I did it; most likely out of curiosity but I can't say for sure. I remember when I was old enough to stay at home by myself and was home alone, I would have a field day in my mothers' closets, makeup stuff, and more; all the while making sure I put everything back where I got it as not to get caught.
Basically, I grew up as a CD whilst my brain was still developing and it definitely turned into a fetish when I hit my teen years but I'll spare you the details of that.
Heres where things get difficult for me to explain. Things continued to escalate and around 20-21, while I was in CIT training, I got brave enough to wear feminine undergarments in public. It was also at this point that I got heavily addicted to feminizing myself, not being brave enough to do anything drastic out of fear of exposure. I started researching and using nonprescription HRT alternatives like Menopause Supplements, researching ways to increase breast size "naturally", corsets/waist cinchers, and etc...
I'm not sure how to explain this but I shall try my best. None of my feminizing attempts worked... obviously... I started getting desperate. At that point, I started to realize that if I was trying to feminize myself, in my mind, I was going to need HRT. I KNEW HRT was going to involve some very public things, like counseling, doctors visits, and, as much as I hate to admit it, at that point in my life I was still under the care of my parents (I was a very broken kid). They would definitely have to know. Believe it or not, after several days/weeks of noticeable depression, a couple of internal mental wars, a lot of desperation and a little bit of encouragement from a forum much like this one, I managed to build up enough courage to come out to one of my parents, my mom... and only through email as I wasn't brave enough to do it face-to-face. Take note that I told her that I wanted to be a female. <-I'm horrible with words.
While it didn't go as bad as I thought it would, it definitely didn't go how I wanted it to. The short answer boils down to "Not in my house", "We thought you were gay not this."(Because I had no interest in dating females; or males for that matter), and "Are you sure/I don't believe you".
At this point, not having the bravery to collaborate with my parents further on the matter, I decided to put it off until I moved out, This was a HORRIFYING mistake! For nearly 2 years I faced constant battles with myself, episodes of serious depression that got so bad that at one point I had thoughts of suicide bordering on attempt... it was SO UNBEARABLY PAINFULL to hide away all my desires to express myself out of fear, fear that lingered even after I moved out, torture, absolute and horrific torture.
Eventually, I snapped, I don't think I was even aware on the day I came out to absolutely everyone, it felt like a dream. I woke up, went to the library, sat down at one of the computers, and messaged my whole family that I was transfemale without even a second thought. I wasn't brave as most people called me, I was weak and desperate, and to this day it still doesn't feel right when people call me brave.
Today I live 100% as female 100% of the time, I've started HRT, Changed my name, and am currently saving up for GRS. Do I regret it, no. Do I wish I did it differently, of course. My perspective has changed greatly on the situation since those events. If I had to do it all again, I wouldn't have come out as trans, I would have come out as myself if that makes any sense.
Soon after I came out and started to "learn" how to be a female, I started to feel like I was acting. The whole reason I was in this situation in the first place. You could only imagine my confusion. At this point, the terms male and female had lost all meaning to me outside of role in reproduction. I eventually gave up on gender altogether, fluff it you know, I'm tired of being something I'm not. I just want to be happy and feel at peace. I'm doing HRT because it makes me happy and fulfills the necessary requirements for future surgeries, I changed my name because the old one represents all the times I lied to myself, I'm getting GRS because it would make expressing myself in my preferred way easier and also, If I had a choice, I wouldn't have anything at all down there, but you know, gotta use the bathroom every once in a while.
Turns out, I'm just a thoroughly confused, genderless Lalese!
Genderless for the win!
Tee Hee
P.S. Hugs for everyone!
