Mansplaining

[Coffeedrew]

I am constantly working on my self development, and I found a critical flaw. Mansplaining, enough said.
I cannot believe how stupid I feel, and how many people probably hated speaking to me.
It's such a bad habit, and I have no idea where I picked it up from.
It was  trade school.
Any one have advice on bad habits I need to break other than this one?

[Northern Star Girl]

I am constantly working on my self development, and I found a critical flaw. Mansplaining, enough said.
I cannot believe how stupid I feel, and how many people probably hated speaking to me.
It's such a bad habit, and I have no idea where I picked it up from.
It was I'm sure trade school.

@Coffeedrew
Dear Drew:
Mansplaining, in my opinion, is not just a man talking "down" to a woman, but it is important to know that men talk down to men often, and women can do the same thing when talking to other women or even to a man.

When talking to someone that is not well-versed regarding the subject of discussion it can be completely unintentional to "over-explain" things... and that can be inaccurately labeled as mansplaining...
...even if it a woman talking to a less knowledgeable man as can happen in my own small business.

Danielle

[Dena]

I never had a problem with this because I tend to follow a different method of dealing with people one on one. The first thing I do is listen. Let them fully explain what they want or what they know. After that, I decide if I know enough to answer their question. if I don't, I ask questions to learn more about what they are after. Once I know enough, I answer what they want to know.

This has the advantage that your not talking down to somebody and you answer the right question faster. It save everybody time and makes you look more intelligent.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt.

[dee82]

Any one have advice on bad habits I need to break other than this one?

That's a difficult question Drew. I don't know you.

But here is one of my bad (old?) habits.

I used to play a terrible game with myself of trying to anticipate/guess the next sentence coming from a person I was having a conversation with. The other person would only need to say a word or two and in my mind I would be completing their sentence for them. Now I wouldn't actually cut them off or anything, but because I was so "smart", (yeah, right! haha) I would reply immediately they finished talking. Okay, may I would sometimes cut people off with my clever reply sometimes.

Anyways, it is super rude and unhelpful, all because I wanted to be so clever and perceptive, or something.

I still do it sometimes, but am trying hard not too. It must be really annoying being on the receiving end.

~Dee.

[Alice (nym)]

Two things I learned in the last 10 years... 1) Don't ask unfair questions (questions that put someone on the spot or lead to them disproving their own argument in front of everyone - great for the political chamber, not so great at friendly gatherings) and there is no need to attack everything critically - aka no need to pull people apart... and 2) Sometimes it is best to just not say anything even when you know they're wrong. Of course the latter is very much dependent on what is said. I will not allow hate speech to go unchallenged but if it is something trivial, does it really matter if you correct them or not? Save some energy and just let them talk away... you can always educate them indirectly at a later date or time in a passive manner.

SO how do you do that when you're itching to correct them... just smile inwardly at their folly. Turn it into an internalised joke. That way instead of being 'aggressive' you smile outwardly which looks polite and that you are interested, meanwhile internally you are having a private joke at their expense. The one thing that most of us here are experts at, is hiding the truth with a facade. As the Japanese say, tatemae to honne.

[Coffeedrew]

I learned this bad, bad habit, that I thought was cool when I was in tade school. Your responses have helped me think about it.The teacher said, if someone is talking  about a subject you dislike, then ask them about a different topic related to that.It makes people forget what they had said.I have learned a defense to that,  after foolishly teaching it to my family. Kind of like a  system a queue where I say hold on let me finish this then we will get to that.
I enjoy every one's advice, I look forward to hearing from you all.

[Jessica]

I was a working Forman/Super on large commercial construction sites.  I was the one that explained by doing the task with my crew.  Hands on and open to suggestions.  Often I could be swayed, but with the experience I had I usually won out.  I only insisted that perfection was primary from the get go.  The tasks that no one had ever done was always my chore and I taught my crew how to do it.  Luckily they respected not my status as their boss so much, but my knowledge of the trade. 
Dena is correct that listening to others first is the best move, that way things are accomplished quicker.  Time is big money and was not a luxury that was wasted. 
So not so much 'mansplaining' but explaining and teaching.

[Northern Star Girl]

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So not so much 'mansplaining' but explaining and teaching.

@Jessica
Dear Jess:
Yes, I agree, what you described is an EXACTLY CORRECT way to look at it.

In my little business I am more or less  womansplaining  to both my men and women clients.

It is my certainly my job to be knowledgeable about how to address the concerns of those that come to me for advice. 
So far I have not had any issues because I do make a point of listening well before I start explaining the solutions to the issues that they are concerned about.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Hugs,
Danielle

[Michelle_P]

Explaining and teaching is rather different than mansplaining.

My experiences of mansplaining have been fairly distinctive.  I define it as having a male person explaining some task or concept to a person with less privilege, who also has more expertise in that task or concept than the explainer.

For example, I regularly lecture on the physics behind principles of radio communication.  Many users of radio systems, from civil service through amateur radio operators, have some ideas as to how things work, often based on lore passed along in licensing classes or from senior operators, or 'rules of thumb' from manuals and texts.  Sometimes the information passed along is incorrect, incomplete, or accompanied by pretty goofy explanations.

After one of these lectures, I had an older male explain parts of my own presentation back to me, as he sought to teach me how things really work,with the information I had provided 30 minutes before.  This wasn't just him rehearsing the explanation to make sure HE understood.  He was assuming that I misunderstood the basic physics of electromagnetic radiation, and was instructing me on how it really works.

This was mansplaining!

It was oddly affirmative, as it told me that he definitely saw me as a woman!

[KathyLauren]

Very timely.  My neighbour just posted a link to an article about mansplaining.  <article at boredpanda.com>

The flowchart is valuable in illustrating what is or isn't mansplaining:

[Denice]

What would it be like to mansplain to a woman why I like to cross dress?

[dee82]

Very timely.  My neighbour just posted a link to an article about mansplaining.

Kathy, while not quite mansplaining, that chart reminded me of a true story I read on the web. I wish I could remember where it was and the full details, but it went something like this.

An author and her friend are at a dinner party. They are both women. The author's non-fiction book has recently been reviewed in the New York Times.

They meet an older man at the party and he starts chatting about the topic of the book, as though he is an expert on the subject. (It is clear he probably only read the review in the newspaper, and has no idea what he is talking about.)

The author nods politely and just listens.

The friend can't take it any longer, and says words to the effect of "Excuse me, but my modest friend here has actually written the definitive book on this subject, and you have got some of the facts wrong."

The man looks puzzled for a moment, can't actually believe that a WOMAN could have written the book he read the review of, and them calmly proceeds to continue with sharing his half baked understanding of the subject area to these poor confused women.

When I read it, I thought it was a pretty funny (but oh so sad) story.

[dee82]

What would it be like to mansplain to a woman why I like to cross dress?

Denice, make sure she first asks you to explain it.

[Maid Marion]

If someone asks a lot of questions and doesn't give me time to answer them I'll listen and then answer them sequentially. 

[Denice]

If someone asks a lot of questions and doesn't give me time to answer them I'll listen and then answer them sequentially.

I'll wager you're good with very young children.

[GingerVicki]

Very timely.  My neighbour just posted a link to an article about mansplaining.  <article at boredpanda.com>

The flowchart is valuable in illustrating what is or isn't mansplaining:

I love it!

[Michelle_P]

I'm wondering how much of 'mansplaining' is really just people of privilege assuming that only they truely understand something, and people of lesser privilege simply NEED them to explain matters to them.

I've seen the 'mansplaining' behavior not just across genders, but across races and ethnicities, between people with the same gender. 

Worst case ever that I saw was a US tech trainer explaining a printer mechanism to a very senior Japanese engineer who had designed the mechanism and was responsible for the engineering of the entire printer product line.  The engineer had a strong accent, and the trainer spoke slowly and with an offensive 'Hollywood Chinese' accent to him. 

I have to confess that I have been guilty of 'mansplaining' in the past.  I'm making a conscious effort to listen more, and behave better in conversation with others.

[Kylo]

It really is the epitome of a first-world problem.

Someone talking to you about something you already know. Crime of crimes.

All you have to do is say, "yes, I already know".

[Coffeedrew]

I read the chart and when it comes to work. I think that's pretty correct just ask them, do you understand what I'm saying?If they say yes move on if not provide clarification.

[Jessica]

I read the chart and when it comes to work. I think that's pretty correct just ask them, do you understand what I'm saying?If they say yes move on if not provide clarification.

Unfortunately, in my experience, all to often I had gotten that response from those I sought to explain the situation, only to return later to find the task entirely wrong.  Often, with some I would instruct, then observe to make sure they understood.