Came out to my partner

[dee82]

Yesterday, she presented an ultimatum. If I would be only my male self, she would love me the rest of her life. I was willing to sacrifice the majority of my transitioning in exchange for the ability to at least dress part time, but even this was too much for her...

So, my heart aches as well...The few transwomen here whose partners accept them are the exception, not the rule. Our price for being our true selves is to be alone the rest of our lives.

Hi Laura,

I want to say something positive and upbeat to balance your conclusion, without ignoring the reality of your situation. It sounds so hard.

I am not in your situation and have a partner who is one of the exceptions, but it it still painful reading your story.

Maybe you will find an exception too.

~Dee.

[krobinson103]

Laura,

I may have lost my wife, but have found another (in fact there were several options) so you don't have to be alone for the rest of your life. Its a hard decision to accept that a wife of 15 years can't go the rest of the way with me but the reality is I had to get on with life. Fight for what you have, but if the reality of what you have to do means things change its not the end, its a new beginning!

[Jessica_K]

This morning she was in tears again, saying "she wants it back how it was, would she be willing to stay with me in the future?, where would she go?, she was in shock".

I love her so much I am now thinking I cannot go on with it. I have suppressed my true gender all of my near 66 years. Can I continue suppressing it for the rest of my life?

I do not want to be with anyone else and although I could live alone, I know she could not, she would have nowhere to go and not enough income to live independent and I would lose her family that I have grown to love. I know this is the typical separation scenario, but I cannot do this to her. If she cannot come to terms with us living together in some way over time and it comes to that I will do everything in my power to keep her even suppression.


Our friends are coming this afternoon, maybe things will get at a little bit of prospective.

[Devlyn]

"The five stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one we lost. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling. But they are not stops on some linear timeline in grief."

It's going to take awhile. There's no magic wand to wave here, honey.

[BrianaJ]

Hi Jessica,  your situation sounds really difficult.  Have you two considered going to couples therapy or something similar?  An objective 3rd party may really help to sort things out.  It's not easy and it takes some time but I think it would be beneficial. 

When we decide to come out and possibly seek to transition full time, and we have a committed partner, we ask a lot of them.  It's a whole lot for them to digest, think about, or consider.  Reverse it and think how it would affect you.  If we are honest with ourselves, most of us  would have a similar reaction to our partners as they generally have with us. 

It's going to take time for sure.  And I seriously think an objective trained 3rd party would really help both of you out in moving forward.  Regardless, you take care. 

[randim]

Jessica,

I feel your pain.  I am so sorry for what you are struggling with.  Much of it matches what I am going through in my life, as my wife of 35 years is grappling with the complete me rather than the partial me she has been (relatively) content with for so many years.  I sometimes feel all trans women should have Sophie as part of their name, because the choices seem so  agonizing. Unfortunately, our spouses cannot understand we are going through internally  All they see is a wrecking ball sweeping through their life.  Being trans places you to at least some extent in the LGBT community, and that has to be  difficult for a straight, conventional spouse (like mine).  I don't know what is going to happen with me.  I don't know that I could stuff this female genie back in the bottle no matter how hard I tried. As you wrestle with this, please listen to your heart and remember that your needs are as important as hers.  It sounds like she hasn't had long to digest it.  Maybe time is your ally here. I hope so.

[Jessica_K]

I am so very sad but I can not show it
After a long talk I have decided that I need to save my partnership. It was obvious she could never accept me as a woman and was such a mess I just could not put her through it anymore.
But now I have to contend with the fact that I can never be openly me and finding that difficult

On the plus side she has accepted that I am transgender but have to stay male, I do have my long nails as a open show of my femininity along with no body hair so maybe overtime I can make subtle changes but no HRT

[dee82]

Oh Jessica. That is terrible news. I want to say some magic advice, but I don't know that is.

It has been 10 days since you posted about coming out. That is not a very long amount of time for your partner to come to terms with you as transgender.

You have planted a seed. Maybe she will have a conversation with someone in the months to come, or meet a person that changes her thinking.

You have spent years living as a male, maybe you need to do that for a little longer. Maybe months, maybe years.

My wife was once transphobic. She thought trans women have a mental illness and are men dressing up etc, you get the idea, but events happened (not my doing) which changed her thinking.

Maybe, just maybe, a miracle will happen for you too.

Take care and don't give up on being who you are.

~Dee.

[Jessica_K]

She is not transphobic and that is good. She understands and accepts that people are transgender and that I am one of them but she could never, ever, live as a lesbian as she sees it, loving a woman even if a transwoman, and that is how she thinks the relationship would be if I transitioned.

Yes only been out for a week or so but it might as well been a lifetime she will never think different.

[dee82]

It is most likely that you are right. If that means you choose not to transition because you are committed to her and the relationship, then that is what you have to do.

It is just who I am, to never say never and always keep the door open for changes. But I appreciate right now that possibility is remote, and realistically not going to happen. To be honest, my relationship is one of the rare exceptions, and so my view is rose-tinted.

Regardless of what's next, for your own health some counselling will be a helpful. The stress of what you are going through is off the charts, and external support will help.

~Dee.

[zbrooks]

Congratulations sweetie! Hope you guys live a long life together [emoji3590]


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[Lacy]

I am so very sad but I can not show it
After a long talk I have decided that I need to save my partnership. It was obvious she could never accept me as a woman and was such a mess I just could not put her through it anymore.
But now I have to contend with the fact that I can never be openly me and finding that difficult

On the plus side she has accepted that I am transgender but have to stay male, I do have my long nails as a open show of my femininity along with no body hair so maybe overtime I can make subtle changes but no HRT

I am sorry to read that Jessica. The amount of pain, depression anxiety and general disdain for myself that I had before accepting who I am and coming out to my wife was so heavy.
I am sorry to hear that you are still carrying the burden of keeping your inner self hidden.

It is possible that she may one day come around to things, but in the case of my wife and I, I told her several years ago that I would stop "Feeling and Being" trans. As ridiculous as that is, she accepted it and was extremely hurt to find out that I had lied to her and that I was never going to stop feeling the way I do. She is very open minded as well, but the issue of her identity changing to lesbian was very hard.
In the end, no relationship will last without honest and open communication. Make sure you don't sacrifice too much of yourself, as that rarely ends well.

I wish you luck and hope things get better!
Lacy