feeling conflicted.

[invisiblemonsters]

has anyone who lives stealth, ever felt conflicted about when to tell someone they are trans? lately, this has been my issue. a part of me feels i'm "lying" and i won't be considered a "real man" when i'm talking to women. i don't know if this comes from how trans people are shamed by cis people that think we are "tricking" them or not.

i usually wait until i meet someone (online dating, dating apps, you know, the usual) and if it seems we hit it off and it could go further, i'll tell them. this seems to work for me. however, this time, i'm feeling super conflicted. i have met a woman who is incredible and as of now, everything i want in a partner. i haven't told her i am trans yet and we have a date coming up. there was such a gap though between when we met and this date, that i got to know her more, and i know she wants to have sex with me, etc.

i have this worry she won't like me once she finds out i'm trans but being trans isn't all i am, and i like living stealth, so i want them to know me for me before i tell them. i can't put that i'm trans on dating apps because people who don't know i'm trans also uses those apps. i also wouldn't want to because i feel like my safety could also become an issue.

i just don't know where to go from here and looking for some insight, i guess.

[Dani]

It is always best to be completely honest with those you care about and want to form a personal relationship with.

For all others, it is none of their business.

I am out to family and close friends, but for everyone else, the topic has just never came up. So, why bother advertising my medical history?

[Kylo]

To approach the topic from a 'numbers' perspective, you risk more rejection, despondency and time-wasting with this approach not knowing. I guess you could get lucky but the deck's well stacked against us to begin with - I'd not leave things to chance and get attached only to get rejected shortly after. 

I'm not typical of most people in dating habits but I pick people's brains before I'd even touch em with a ten foot pole. I've kept people on the hook for more than a year before now quietly watching them and getting a full picture of who they are  - people can be deceptive, but years of consistent deceit isn't in most people's stamina. I never jump into anything even if they seem perfect. Nobody's perfect anyway, truth be told.

Then there's your obligation. Not telling someone but leading them on for a while on a topic like this or withholding the info is only gonna look bad on you in the long run. Personally I'd just get it over with, it's not something most people can "warm" to, it seems. They're either cool with it/up for a try or they're definitely not.

[invisiblemonsters]

thank you all for your responses, it has helped a lot. with online dating, etc. i always try to meet within a few days so there is no "attachment" more like, okay, so i meet them and see how it is. and with that, i never get physical with anyone before they know. i guess it's more like, not even rejection, it's just that i don't want them to meet me etc and just think "trans" and treat me differently.

[smithers 70]

As far as dating sites,  I put it out there on my profile to begin with.

If I meet someone offline, in my regular day to day, who shows interest in dating / hooking up, I disclose as soon as they express that interest.

Otherwise, I don't tell anyone.

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